*IF* You Use Time Outs with Your Elementary School Age Child(ren) ...

My time outs are in the bathroom (don't really use them anymore since my dd is 10), but when she was younger she had to stay in the bathroom with the door shut. That way she couldn't get out of it by saying she had to go.

If they go to their room for time away then they close the door and don't come out. If they sit in a chair in a main family area then they can talk if they are calm.

Time out is supposed to be time away to calm down and not to be used for punishment. It's supposed to teach the kids to calm down on their own.

ETA: Oh, and I think it's important that you and DH are on the same page. Differing methods will make for a more argumentative child, IMHO.

Original:

Absolutely no talking during timeouts. I don't answer, and it is made known beforehand that talking will earn them more time. As will tantrums.

I use what I call "expanded time outs." I've perfected this over time and it really works.

Before I started using time outs, I sat down with my kids and explained that poor behavior/breaking the rules would earn them a time out. They are to go directly there.

I do not warn them. When they were misbehaving or breaking the rules, I say "T, go to time out." And they go. No discussion.

Time out is a comfortable chair in an unused room. No clock, not facing a window, nothing interesting to fiddle with, not in a trafficked area. Guest rooms are good for this. The chair shouldn't be hard, but also shouldn't be comfortable enough to sleep on.

Once sent, I leave them in the chair for 30 minutes. Some parents say "that's too long! It should be one minute per year of age!" I disagree. Children need enough time to calm down, and then enough time to think about why they're there, and after that, enough time to dislike sitting there being bored. If they're not there long enough to be bored, why would they be deterred in the future? Missing out on what's going on is also a deterrent.

I never tell them how long they'll stay or how long they have left. And if they come and ask, the clock starts over. Make that clear.

Once the time is up, I call them to me from where I am. Do not go to them. YOU are in control of this situation. Few things irritate me more than a child hollering at me across the house like I'm supposed to drop everything I'm doing and come running for something silly. No. They come to me.

When they come to me, I sit them down and ask why they were sent to time out. I say "sit them down" because respectful body language MATTERS. No flopping over, leaning against things in a rude way. They are to look me in the eye and be respectful. The point is that THEY start recognizing the things they aren't supposed to be doing....so don't TELL them why they were sent, make them tell you. And then ask them what they are going to do differently next time. If he says "I don't know, " to why they were in time out, send him back to time out for another 15 minutes or so. An "I don't know" to what to do differently next time may just require coaching/mentoring....unless they're just being obstinate, then send them back. I guarantee, the next time he comes out....he'll know.

Also, stomping, screaming, rudeness, or disrespect of any kind earns another time out. A few times when we started using "expanded time outs," my youngest would tell me why he was in time out, but do so in a rude, disrespectful way. I would respond by saying "Okay, I'm glad you thought about that. Now you need to go back to time out and think about how you're talking to me right now." That tends to nip the eye-rolling, leaning, deep-sighing behaviors in the bud pretty quickly.

Some parents ignore the little disrespectful behaviors. I don't. And today, I have extremely respectful boys. (10 and 12).

Oh, one last part. A lot of parents have trouble with outings to the store, park, etc., because it's hard to put a child into time out there. I stopped this by using my time out method, but explaining to the kids that misbehavior would earn them an extra long time out when they arrived back home.

When I say extra long, I'm talking an hour or longer. It only takes a couple of times enforcing that promise before they realize that they can't get away with things away from home.

Best of luck!
C.

Time out is no talking, no fidgeting, etc.

My daughter is 18 but I've been a regular substitute teacher over 10 yrs and this is a classic for recess time out. I am in k-3 most if the time and I do 4-5 but I prefer younger ages.

They sit in a specific spot away from each other at recess. If they talk to each other.... We add time to the time out. At the appropriate time that was set aside, we call each child one at a time to talk to us and explain why they are in time out. Many of them are there daily!!! Reasons such as talking non stop in class, interrupting class, etc.

That's how we do it at our elementary school. As for home... When's daughter was in time out, she sat in a stationary spot for a limited amount of time.

However... What worked best for us at our house was putting her favorite toys in time out and she earned them back within a reasonable amount of time. During the early teen and teen that was the cell phone, laptop, chi iron, etc.... Whatever was her favorite at the moment.

We use time outs when DD is so angry that she keeps arguing (often, we've told her "no" regarding something). We can't make her stop talking, but we send her to her room so that we won't provide a face for her to argue with. I let DD have the family cat to comfort her, and when she is composed, she can return to us. This lasts as long as it takes for her to compose herself. There is no timer.

One minute per year of age and we round up. So for my 6 3/4 year old- 7 minutes. We set the timer on the stove, and so he knows when it beeps, he's done his time. We always use the same place- in our sunroom on the love seat. After 7 minutes, we then talk about it, he gives us an apology, and all done.
No talking to him. He has to sit there, chill out, and do his time. If he tried to talk to us, we just keep on about our business. I think he hates that most of all.

In our home, time outs started when they were settled and weren't talking. If they spoke, the clock started over.

When I put my daughters in time-out, they are to sit still and quiet for the allotted time (I use the 1 minute per age rule). If they move or talk then we start the timer over again.

The only exception is my 5 year old. When she gets upset she "has to pee" so we do allow that, but only once per session.

We do nose against the wall, no talking.

We use time outs differently. We use them when we need to physically remove them from a situation in order for some kind of resolution to happen. The time really depends on how long they need to be separated for all involved to calm down, stop fighting, whatever. We don't really even call them time outs, we just tell them to go to their room or sit on the chair or where ever we want them to go as the situation dictates.
We don't use them for every minor offence, it really looses it's meaning when you put them in time out for every little outburst, fight, whatever. We leave it for the big stuff. The kids know they really mucked up if we send them to their rooms!
We find other consequences besides making them sit in a corner.

Sure, I use them. My daughters are almost-8 and 10. The older one has learned to put herself in time out (any time I have to give "the look," she quickly says, "Sorry, I'll go to my room now!" or "I'll go start some laundry!" LOL) The younger one is a different sort of kid, and marches to the beat of her own drummer. She tends to get worked up to the point where she just can't focus on anything (what I'm telling her, what she should be doing, etc). She's not trying to be BAD, she's just not really in control of herself and needs to calm down. So she goes to her room and shuts the door for a time out. She comes out when she is under control again, and knows at that point to apologize for her behavior. She is slowly getting to the point where she recognizes when she is getting out of control, and is learning to remove herself from the situation so she can get herself under control, which is ideally what we want her to learn to do.

So, to me, it depends WHY the child is in time out. If a child is being downright bratty, defiant, or otherwise purposely breaking the rules, then a nose to the wall, no talking time-out is appropriate. If you have the sort of kid who just lacks self-control and/or is just being a spaz, then any time out where they can get themselves under control is appropriate (whether that's sitting in a chair, sitting in their room, reading a book, whatever). Whether you are using it as a punishment or as a tool to help the kid re-gain control of themselves makes a big difference in how you would approach time-out. I don't think either way is wrong; it depends on the kid and the situation.

During time out, my son gets no social contact whatsoever... if I'm answering his questions, how OUT is his time? He doesn't have to be quiet, necessarily... because if he's upset he cries... but he does not interact with us.

At the end of the time out we talk about how he got there and clarify the rule and he apologizes.

What questions is you child asking during timeout?

Either in another room silent and alone until they can change their attitude or if that's not possible then face towards the wall. No talking!

They stand quietly with their nose against the wall.

M. is right. Kids should sit in a time-out alone for a minute for each age. No talking during a time-out.

The talking should be done aftewards.

"You were in a time-out because you did not turn off the tv at 5 pm like asked. I told you that if u did not turn off the tv at 5pm, then, I would turn off the tv and u would be in a time out for 7 minutes. You can avoid time-out by turning off the tv when asked."

Then walk away if the child argues.

I put blue painters tape in an "X" in a certain place (where I could see/hear them, but they couldn't see to be entertained or involved). They sit there silently for 3 minutes if 3yrs old, 6 minutes if 6yrs old, etc. I tell them the time starts when they start (they know they start taking the punishment when they are not arguing or fussing). That is a punishment for things that, for us, are more "social" issues (spitting, arguing with brother, throwing a toy, etc): removing them from a social situation for a few minutes. THEN when the time is up, we can discuss things together. Time out is a punishment for continuing in behavior we've previously talked to them about, they know the rules, they're making bad choices.

We also employed "resetting" time. This is when one of them is just getting wound up too much, or is just in a bad mood and can't seem to shake it, or just loses it suddenly without a good reason---we say "Ok, this isn't going in a good direction. Maybe you need to reset?" Often, when this was said my oldest son would reset himself very quickly, if not instantly. My youngest son is not really able to do that as easily/quickly, so he usually goes to step 2 where instead of a suggestion we say "OK, go to your room until you've reset and feel you can be nice in here with the rest of us". They do understand that they need to be nice to be with us, but we're not "punishing" them, and they can come out on their own when they've taken some time to calm down. This is a pre-punishment step and it does seem to work well with my guys. We do this because instead of us "making" them sit in timeout for a specific infraction, sometimes it's just an in general attitude that needs to be worked out. Sometimes, my guys are just tired. They may sit on the bed and realize this and lay down a few minutes. Or they may think "I'm not even mad about anything, chill out, go out and play". Or sometimes they just need a break from all of us and want some quiet alone time (I remember wanting nothing more than to just go hide away and read when I felt aggravated....while my guys aren't "fluent" readers yet, that doesn't mean they don't feel the same way, and this gives them an opportunity to have some time to "reset"). If they don't come out in about 5-10 minutes, my husband or I will go in and check on them, talk to them if that's what they want. I don't want their room to be a place of punishment though, but a place to rest, which is why time out is in a different part of the house, and they are welcome to leave their room once they've reset their attitudes, on their own.

There's plenty of other forms of punishment, it all depends on the time/place/actual infraction/and what we're trying to accomplish. We do tend to go the Love & Logic route nearly all the time though. The kids have a good grasp on the fact that EVERYTHING we do has a consequence: good or bad. We discuss things like "Ok, if you CHOOSE to do this, the consequence is __. So if you choose to do this, you're really choosing __. Is that what you want?" and go from there. In the car or waiting around for something (like a doctor's waiting room, in line to for school drop off/pick up, etc) we'll play a game we named "consequences". We take turns picking out random scenarios and then we guess the consequences, good or bad, and sometimes build on those consequences for what follows them. It may sound dumb, but it helps them with critical thinking and also understanding that everything has a consequence (cause and effect, whatever you want to call it). Those kinds of foundations make it easier for them to understand where I'm going when laying out their choices and helping them make better decisions.

Hi, Luv:

I think there is a better way to teach children about inappropriate behavior.

If the inappropriate behavior is at home with you, your husband another sibling, Aunt, etc.

This approach has been proven to help resolve the difficulty and the child learns a lesson how his/her behavior affects others.

The Offending child is asked these questions:

1. What happened?
2. What were you thinking of at the time?
3. What have you thought about since?
4. Who has been affected by what you have done? In what way?
5. What do you think you need to do to make things right?

The person who has been affected by the offending behavior answers these questions to respond to the behavior.

1. What did you think when you realized what had happened?
2. What impact has this incident had on you and others?
3. What has been the hardest thing for you?
4. What do you think needs to happen to make things right?

Teach the child to apologize.

I apologize for........................................(state the incident)
Do you accept my apology? If yes,

What do you need?.................(Say what is needed)

The agreement is sealed with a handshake or a hug.

This will clean up any difficulty and will teach the child how to resolve problems.

Good luck.
D.