I am in the midst of a change of employment and haven't been working since Christmas. Its actually been very nice. I"ve gotten to spend some great time with my 10 and 8 yo. My mother lives out of state and bas recently been declining in health. I won't go into the situation but what makes the most sense would be for me to move down with her for the moth of july and part of august while she has surgery and recooperates. By the end of August my sister will be in a position to care over for me and mom should be regaining some independence.
I'm not looking for advice on Elder Care, the situation is what it is and to live with myself I know I need to be on the other side of the country for over a month. Husband is fine with it, Mil will help him with the child care, we have camps lined up etc. Hubs is also quite competent in the cooking and cleaning department so that isn't any issue at all.
My son is fine with it but my dd is falling to pieces. We have been discussing the option with both kids for the last month of so. Her behavior has been Atrocious! Arguing, Ingnoring, Screaming, Sulking, you name it. I think she is trying to distance herself, We have talked about skyping and calling daily, about sending packages in the mail that when I get back home we will go to the water park for the day. Can any one suggest anything to help make this easier? I'm extremely stressed about beign down there and trying not to show it, I know the kids will be fine and while they will miss me it isnt' like they are toddlers and it isn't long term. But any advice on how to make it easier on them during july and the months leading up to it would be greatly appreciated.
And why can't she go with you? Any real reason she has to stay at home since schools out? The cost of a ticket? Or riding along in the car with you?
If her school starts before you'll be home just enroll her when you get back.
Let her go too.
Stop discussing it with her. I'm not trying to criticize you, but you are making her more anxious by discussing it interminably and thereby making a bigger deal about it than it really is. She has a competent father, she can live without mommy for a month.
If I had been in your shoes, I would have told the kids two days in advance, "On Thursday, Mommy has to go take care of grandma for a couple of weeks. Daddy will take care of you." And that's all I would have said. And the kids would have thought nothing of it.
They will be fine. Stop discussing it. Here's what you wrote: "We have been discussing the option with both kids for the last month or so." A whole month of discussion! You are making a mountain out of a molehill. No wonder she's anxious.
Give daughter a kiss when she worries, tell her calmly that she will be fine, and then go on with life. When she sees that you don't think it's a big deal then she will be reassured.
And yes, sign her up for camp. And no, do not take her with you. You need to take care of grandma.
Can you take her with you? That might fix the problem. (Unless I'm misunderstanding something here...)
Lilly,
I left for what was supposed to be one week to take care of my mom. She died 6 days later and I was gone a month. My husband didn't have family here to help out. We have neighbors and friends, but really - he was on his own. I trusted him to hold down the fort.
You ARE stressing. Your daughter is picking up on that stress AND playing off of it.
The more you talk with her about it, is only stressing her out more. STOP. Just stop. Please. You aren't helping either one of you. You've gone beyond preparing her, now she's nervous.
Be matter of fact. This is what is happening. This is how we will deal with being apart. This is what is planned while I'm gone to take care of Grandma. Then drop the subject. You've got WEEKS before you go.
If it's summer time, why can't she go with you? Why are you making such a big deal out of this? You are going to take care of your mom. It's like you will be gone for YEARS...you won't be. If she's freaking out - she's picking up on your freaking out and most likely wondering why she can't go too.
I understand perfectly.
We have had decades of caring for older family members. It is hard to have children along if no one else is there to watch your child while you stay with your mom in the hospital for days at a time or on call in case something were to happen to have someone last minute care for your child especially in another city.
A few things to consider.
What is your child going to be doing this summer? Stay at Camp, Day Camps? Make sure she has some fun things to look forward to. Maybe see if any of her friends are going to camp, maybe your child could join them.
Does she have a best friend or a group of good friends. Would those parents be willing to schedule play dates once a week while you are gone? You could pay them back in the fall when school starts. Driving to and from school, play dates, that you host.
Would maybe giving your child an inexpensive cell phone for the summer, so she can call or text you when she wants? Make an agreement, you may not be able to answer right away. Could you all schedule facetime on the home computer. If you do not have laptop or ipad, maybe a good time to get one.
Could you plan to send your children a once a week "Care package" along with an actual letter? Does not have to be fancy. A large envelope with some paperback joke books one week, , week 2 fun work books, another week paddle balls, Gift cards to the local ice cream shop.
I remember our daughter was very understanding that her great grandparents were frail. She had empathy for how poorly they felt. We spoke about the times she had been so ill. The time she had to go to the hospital and how awful she felt and how scared she was if someone was not with her.
When she was 8 her Great grandmother was dying. She knew this, but our daughter was leaving for Stay away camp and was feeling guilty and worried. We assured her, her GGmother would want her to have a good time and stayng home would mean, the adults would not be able to go everywhere and have all of the normal fun so she was going to be stuck at the house while we cared for GG.
We also told her that we would write and of course be sending her some surprises. She said she really just wanted to be called if and when GG died.
She was so sweet. When I called to tell her, she said, "tell everyone I am sorry, and I will give everyone a hug when I get back."
Lily, you need to do what is best for you. I can tell you, being with a loved one when they are ill or they are in the process of dying is very important. You need to follow your heart. Your children are watching and learning from you. We take care of our family members, especialy the last days of their lives.. It is an honor, that we give to the people we love the most in our lives.
In the long run, your children will totally understand. Unless you have been in your shoes, no one can understand.
I would stop talking about it. You are giving them too much time to worry and build the separation up. My dad got sick last year - DS was just turning 7 at the time. I spent the vast majority of his last 3 months with him. DS did fine. DH flew down with him twice and I flew back for a few days in the middle. DH and DS came down for the funeral and I spent another two weeks with my mom and siblings. I spoke with DS by Facetime daily and it really was ok. It is a little over a year later. My son barely registers the time I was gone - but it was tremendously important to me, my parents and siblings. Do what you need to do for your mom. And again - don't keep bringing it up. When it is time you will go and your kids will deal.
ETA - I would NOT take her with you. No matter how well behaved a child she is, in her mind she is still the center of the universe. You need to take care of your mom, NOT your child while your mom is sick. If your husband wants to bring her down for a quick visit that's great but probably not necessary.
Would it be possible to have her there for parts of the time you will be gone. Maybe your husband could bring the kids out to visit? Sign the kids up for some activities for the time your gone. And don't let her get away with awful behavior. In the future don't tell the kids about things that won't be happening for months. I would not have told them about this trip til it was much closer.
oh, sweetie!
what a tough thing.
i'm not sure how to get your daughter to come around other than patience and firmness, so i'll let that be and just give you a huge hug for being willing to do this for your mom. you are awesome, and also big kudos to your dh and MIL for stepping up to the plate.
i sure hope your daughter calms down soon.
khairete
S.
Quit focusing on it. Your daughter is picking up on your stress. She feels like if you're stressed out it, then there is something to worry about so she's worried. Stop talking about it and just go through your days like usual. You and hubby can discuss the details out of the children's presence.
why don't you take your daughter with you?
Wouldn't it be easier to bring your mother to your home to be treated and recoup.
