I Want to Say NO.

Why don't you offer to help her find the help she needs? I can't imagine how desperate she is to ask you to watch her son.

So get to googling, see what you can find, help her! Watching him isn't helping her because you are not equipped to handle a child like him, so help her find someone qualified to watch him.

Has she not already assembled caretakers for such an occasion? Has she never left him in someone's care before?

This child has very specialized needs. It's fair to request that someone who is competent to handle him watch him for the weekend. If you really feel that you are not up to the task, just tell her that you don't feel qualified to take care of him with all of his needs, and you are not comfortable with it.

It's sad that she has such a difficult child, but such is life. If she hasn't already found appropriate babysitters for him, it's time she does it. But tell her you can't do it today, so she has time to set something else up.

Just tell her you can't do it. There are professional respite services for caregivers. This sounds much more like what she needs than a simple babysitter.

I have a child with severe ADHD, ODD, OCD and a host of other conditions. If you don't feel qualified to take care of him, please be honest with her. I would never want someone watching our kids who couldn't see the best in them and handle the bad with the good. Her son has significant issues, so you need to say no if you're dreading it already.

ETA: oh my word!! Julie S has the right idea!! I thought about it but didn't say it - sorry - Care.com - they have people who have the experience to deal with bi-polar kids.

You REALLY need to be honest with her and tell her you are NOT prepared nor do you feel knowledgeable enough to care for your son. I feel like I am NOT equipped. I understand your wanting to get away, but for your son's safety and mine, I can't do it. You need to say this to her face, not over the phone. Yes, that will be VERY hard, but she needs to understand this is WAY outside your purview.

YOU CAN DO THIS!!

Please tell her right away that "no, cousin, I am sorry, but I cannot care for your child over the weekend because it is more than I am up to handling on top of my own child" I do feel for her because when you have kids with special needs there often isn't anyone that is willing or you are willing to ask to take them. In your case, however, your number one responsibility is to your own child. I think your cousin needs to keep searching for some respite care from someone trained in working or caring for kids similar to her own, someone who really "gets" her child's out of range behaviors and has plenty of practice reacting in the most effective and supportive manner.

You must say no. You're not comfortable with this child, although I'm sure you love your cousin and empathize with her struggles. You're not comfortable with his behavior issues or his medication schedules or his outbreaks. This is serious stuff, not just a kid who HAS to have his favorite stuffed toy at bedtime or he'll freak out. Simple - make sure your dog doesn't chew up the toy during the day. This is a completely different issue. Say no, that you aren't able to tend to him the way that he needs to be tended to and cared for.

With a child with mental health issues, consistent behavior standards can be vital. Sounds like your cousin has established a way of talking with her son without raising her voice, but unfortunately it also sounds like sometimes the methods aren't working (breaking the new tablet, for example).

And sometimes, you don't just "give meds". Some must be given with food, or 2 hours after eating, or with water, or with milk, or without milk. There's an awful lot to consider. Some children balk at taking meds, or hide them, or won't cooperate out of defiance or anxiety. Sure, most healthy people can just take an aspirin if they have a headache, but I know from my dd's multiple meds that a multiple med schedule can be very complicated. There's one pill that my dd must take every 24 hours at the exact same minute every day. Not at 7 am one day, 8:30 the next day, 5 am the next day. It can be complicated.

But it also sounds like your cousin needs a break, and a safe place for her son to stay occasionally. What if she needed to stay overnight at a hospital? She needs a respite care plan in place.

http://www.care.com/special-needs-care-options-p1145-q591...

That link has some good ideas for finding a care-giver or respite care for a child with serious medical or mental health diagnoses.

Please tell your cousin that you care about her and her son but that you aren't equipped to give him meds and manage his behavior. It's actually kinder than taking him for the weekend and then stressing him out and possibly having him miss a medication dosage.

If her ex wants to reconnect, and if he's the boy's dad, he needs to know what her home life is like now. It won't be drinks at a swanky bar with oysters. It will be a defiant, mental-health compromised, medicated child on a strict schedule who needs behavior intervention and modification.

I might have changed my answer if your cousin was requesting help because she needs emergency surgery or if her mother was dying or something. But a weekend away for drinks to explore re-connecting doesn't warrant disrupting her child's life to such a degree. I get it. I don't get away. I take care of our daughter. Tomorrow night my husband is going to an event (work-related) where there will be great food and drinks in a beautiful setting, where caterers will walk around with fresh seafood appetizers and then he'll have a wonderful meal. Me? I'm staying home because our daughter is having a brain MRI that afternoon and so my evening will be a glass of wine by myself watching America's Got Talent that I recorded a couple of days ago. And tending to our daughter. Helping her because she's dizzy and exhausted (she had two other tests yesterday). That's life.

Know yourself and know your limits. If he does not fit in, then by all means say no and don't feel guilty about it. If you take him you will resent him the whole weekend and he will feel it as well. So just tell her it is not for you to do with no explanation or she will talk you into it.

The world will not end if she can't go.

the other S.

Her crying is not your problem. You can have sympathy without taking on her burden.

If you went to the doctor today and they X-rayed you, I'll bet they'd find a backbone! You just have to find it yourself!

Write down 4 of the best sentences you find from the posts you receive her, and read them to her over the phone and then hang up. Or, email them to her. Really - write them down!!! You won't remember them. Make a short, to-the-point narrative/script, and stick to it!! It might be something like this: "Cousin, I understand you want to go away with your ex. But I cannot handle Jimmy, his issues and his meds with your discipline instructions. I have my own problems and I am saying 'no' to handling yours. Perhaps you can work with his physician to find a respite care agency that provides the individual attention Jimmy needs while you, his prime caregiver, can have a break. I have thought this through, and my decision is made and it is firm. Good luck. Bye now." There is no argument. Be firm. Do not entertain any arguing, groveling, crying or yelling. Hang up. "Cousin, you are not hearing me. I said 'no', and I have to go now. Bye." Do not continue to argue or to listen to her.

Wasn't it Eleanor Roosevelt who said "No one can make you feel inferior without your permission"? Something like that. Anyway, she cannot make you feel guilty unless you allow it. Do not allow it. Her son's problems are not yours to solve. Her marriage is not yours to solve. Your responsibility is your own depression and your own children. End of story.

This is a hell no!

Aren't there agencies for caregivers that need a break where TRAINED professionals can come in and help out?.

This is a situation where you will be harming your own mental state and messing this kid up even more if you attempt this and fail.

Believe me he won't take kindly to you telling him no...if there is nothing to stomp on you better hope he doesn't find a way to stomp on your kid.

You would not be doing her a favor by accepting you would be causing a whole big mess....so guilt free say...sorry it won't work for you. Have a nice day.....and that is all.

After your SWH: GEEZ! He asks her to go with him, knowing she has to find a babysitter. He has son all week and apparently doesn't help her find one. The son must have a caretaker when father works. And.....she has all week to take care of herself. I suggest she doesn't need a break. I see this as another way to manipulate you. I say there's much more to her story. I wonder if she invited herself. She can see him another time. One weekend a way certainly isn't enough to make him get back together. Her "poor me" is manipulation.
******************

So say no! Having your nephew at your house will be upsetting to him. He has to have structure. If he's suddenly left by his mother in your house, he will be upset. To go to your house without having had time for both of you to build a working relationship will turn him into and angry, acting out kid. More acting out than at home. Sounds like his mother has not left him with a caretaker even for short periods. Expecting you to take care of him for a long weekend is crazy.

I understand her need for an adult weekend. She hasn't been able to leave him with anyone else. And then to change his environment so drastically all at once would turn any child with just one of his issues into a cranky difficult child. Say no!?

Just say no! Do not give reasons for your decision. When we give reasons, we can expect the other person to explain away those reasons.

Empathize with her if that will help. If it will help, say you're not able to take care of him and repeat. Be prepared to hang up or walk away when/if she keeps asking. Mom's have to take care of themselves and their children first. Having him in your house will disrupt your children's routine. From what you describe, no one will feel safe.

I'm blown away just by her asking. She has put you in an untenable spot, backed into a corner. Tell her no quickly so she can try to find someone who can go to her home as well as have training/experience in caring for extremely difficult children. Such a person will be difficult to find.

Say no!

I had difficulty saying no in my younger years. I remember a suggestion to practice saying no to the little things that you think you can handle especially when you have a niggling feeling you'd like to say no. I grew up a people pleaser. I felt selfish when I said no. Once I knew, deep down, that taking care of me was my first priority, saying no gradually became easier.

Viola, I know she wants to have her 'grown up time', but what she's asking of you-- you are obviously not up to it or looking forward to it.

It's hard when people ask us for something we know we are dreading, and we want to help. But think about it this way: who is it helping? What would be the consequences of taking the kid? Chances are, if you tell her "no", she's going to be upset.

The other thing which is likely to happen is that the kid acts out, you do yell at him, and then she gets mad at you for not doing this 'perfectly' and is even more upset.

The long and the short of it, is that she's likely going to be disappointed either way, so I'd say, say "no" firmly to the request. If she presses, just tell her "you know, I appreciate that you want this time with your husband, and I also really have all I can handle here at home. I really hope you can find a caregiver who can do this for you." It sounds like she has an unrealistic expectation about this and is maybe desperate, but sometimes you don't get to go off and play for the weekend.

Less than an hour ago I spoke to an old acquaintance who I haven't seen for years. When I asked about her daughter, who had cerebral palsy, she mentioned that her daughter had died a few years ago. This was a mom who spent 20 good years caring for her two kids (son was homeschooled, too) -- her daughter needed tube feeding, constant care, was not mobile and did not have the capacity to control her body in nearly any way. These parents could never just go on a weekend alone because their daughter needed 24/7 care -- for 20 years.

Sometimes we are dealt a hard hand as parents. It would be good for your cousin to find qualified caregivers -- which may be more expensive-- since he has such serious needs. It's not unkind to say no just because it's not what she wants to hear. You need to take care of yourself and your family as well.

ETA: I love the idea of helping her find care. That would be a kind gesture and show you care.

I like Julie's idea and Wild Woman's suggestion to check with.

One thought - our kids used to go to a special day care for special needs kids. Some parents used to use the educators/staff as sitters - not all the time, but in situations like this. Sometimes more than one if it got to be too much. I wonder if her son is involved with any kind of a specialist/counselor who would know of people who have experience caring for a child with his needs?

NewName2013 has great insight - you aren't able to care for him. Just be honest but offer her help in finding someone who is. I suspect the crying is more not at you, but because she needs a break and some time with her ex.

Don't feel bad. You would like to - you simply are not best equipped.

You say her child deserves to be looked after by someone who can handle him and keep him safe - and that you are not up for that challenge and it is beyond your capabilities.
You go on to say that you sympathize with her situation but you can not babysit her child.
You might go so far as to direct her to SitterCity so she can maybe find a sitter who can look after special needs kids and manage his meds while she is away.

At that point it's up to you whether you listen further and say nothing but "No, I can't help you." or hang up to avoid the temptation to caving into her request/demands/tears.

Think of it this way - the kid is MUCH SAFER not being looked after by you.
You are doing them a favor by refusing even if your cousin doesn't see it that way.
Stand firm - it'll be hard - but afterward you'll feel like you've dodged a bullet - and you will have.

While I believe in helping when and where we can, I also believe in being honest---with myself and others.

Here's what bothers me about this (and I realize I only have part of the story): It seems like she EXPECTS you to watch him. The comment about coming to pick up his meds after you told her you would get back with her seems manipulative to me. Maybe it isn't. Maybe that's just me reading into it, but my radar always goes off when people make presumptuous statements, and her saying that sounds an awful lot like she assumes that you're going to agree to do this.

The next thing is her list of DOs and DON'Ts when it comes to watching her child. If she trusts you enough to ask you to watch him, she should trust that you know how to interact with him. I mean, you're relatives; you've been around him. Does she expect you to handle him with kid gloves and allow him to tantrum and break things if he doesn't get his way? I'd sure want to clarify that part before agreeing to watch anyone who needs this level of care.

Next--- did she just find out about the trip? Did the ex just ask her today? I'm wondering
why she didn't make arrangements or ask you well ahead of time. Did other arrangements fall through? If she didn't have any other arrangements and she knew about this trip ahead of time, then to me, it seems like she just dropped this request in your lap at the last minute and expects you to say "yes." If this is the case, and if you do say yes, then you are setting yourself up to be her last minute babysitter the next time she needs one.

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe the ex just let her know about this trip today. Maybe she does really trust that you can care for her son, and that's why she came to you. So, even giving her the benefit of the doubt, the next issue that comes to mind is the one of being true to yourself.
If you truly believe you are not up to this task, then you must be honest with her.

The title of your post, "I want to say NO," and saying, "It scares me to keep this other young man" and feeling like you don't have the patience, even with your own son---all these things point to you not being up for this at this time. And for those reasons, you must be honest with her.

All you need to say is that you are not up for this level of caregiving at this time. You are drained from dealing with your own son and don't believe you can give her son the additional care and attention he requires.

It is good to help others, but sometimes, we cannot. That's okay. What would not be okay would to be dishonest and let her assume you're up for a task, which by your own words, you are not.

Help her to find other care. Maybe you could arrange for a lunch date with the caregiver and her son while your cousin's away. That way she knows he'll have a little contact with family, but you won't have to be the caregiver for the weekend.

Not no, but HECK NO! If I can't parent a child like they are my own, they can't stay in my house. That's a standing rule for friends even - and parents of kids who come to our house know that.

My older sister and her husband get mad at anyone who "lets" their 2 year old fall. Mind you they don't make their daughter follow any rules, so she doesn't listen. She falls often enough...in June we were at their house swimming. My sister needed to go take the baby for a nap and I offered to watch the 2 year old. She started with the "make sure she doesn't fall" and I told her she needed to take her kid inside with her if that was the rule. Of course safety first, but if your kid is going to run, she might fall. She left her daughter with me, she didn't fall, but if she did, it would have been what it was. But I told her NO to her demands of how I watch her kid. You should do the same.

Be strong, stand firm and say NO.

You owe NO explanations.

Your family is your priority and it's your right to not add any drama or extra stress when you know that will happen with this child.

I think you're being used because she feels she can guilt you into this.

Be strong!!! Use that backbone and you come here and know you are supported.

Good for you. You handled this situation very well. This test will come around again and I hope you apply the skills you just used when the test comes around again.

Julie S is spot on! Help her find an agency with people who are experience at working with these kinds of kids. She needs respite care. I would bet that with his diagnoses, she could get government help. She doesn't have to bear this alone. And YOU should not be trying to do this. You need to tell her point blank that dealing with him is beyond your capabilities and you are not willing to.

Just tell her you are not able to do it. I do feel she does need a break once in a while (special needs kids are exhausting), but you're just not the right fit for a babysitter.

Mamazita said exactly what I was going to say.

Since you have a hard time saying no, just send her a text "sally, i feel bad to say i can't watch johnny, but it's just too much for me to handle. please ask another family member or go to care.com"

My SD is MOMR. I understand it's hard to deal with kids like this, especially when they aren't your own.

I also understanding being the parent (she lived with us full time for over 5 years) and needing a MENTAL break from it.

MY SD has services through the state so we were able to get respite hours and someone would come over and stay with her while we went out. We were blessed with first an older, retired woman who lived with my husband during the week before we got together and then a younger woman who came over every day and some weekends after we were together. I'm sure she can get services for her son if he has these issues. She just needs to check with the state and a medical form for the doctors to sign.

It is VERY difficult to raise these kids. That's why the state allows these services. My husband and I did not expect family to babysit for us knowing that it would be VERY difficult for them to do so. After a few years my mom became familiar with her enough and confident enough that she did allow her to spend the night when my 2 did but that took a lot of time for her to do that.

So although I understand how desperate your cousin is for a break, all you have to say is you don't feel comfortable taking care of him and don't want to be responsible and leave it at that.

And just to mention, we have best friends whose nephew is special needs. Our son likes to play video games with him at their house when he's there. Sometimes he goes to our church so we see him there as well. We have not had any "issues" with him, however, we have heard some crazy things that he's done which even with our experience would make me nervous if I had to deal with it on my own. So he does on occasion ask if he can come play games at our house but we have just frankly told our friends that we don't feel we could handle him if he had a melt down and didn't want to be responsible. They understand of course. Good luck.

ADDED: WELL...obviously my opinion is COMPLETELY different then every single mama on here. Usually I can find at lease ONE person that agrees with me! lol. But I stand by what I said.
Oh man....can you imagine things from her side for a minute?
She obviously has a very difficult child. She probably never gets a break from him....ever. Sounds like she is a single mom (since husband isn't in the picture and they are looking to get back together). She is probably frazzled and at her wits end.
That doesn't mean that you have to watch her child. I just think it's good to sit in someone else's position to understand why she is coming to you. It sounds like you have never watched this child before but understand that he is a handful.
I don't think she is manipulating you...I think she is desperate. I think she is crying because you are her only hope. I think she wants to show you how to use the meds, even though you didn't give a definite yes or no, because she wants to show you how easy it is. (It really is very easy to give a kid meds...I do it every day at my job for multiple kids).
If I were in your position I would watch her boy. Only because my heart would understand her need to get away. (haven't you ever called anyone DESPERATE to get away from your kids?! I sure have. And I love them to bits...but that doesn't mean they are not stressful!) My best friend has a son who has a myriad of mental health issues and as long as he is on time with his meds he is great. So, write down what time to give him his meds, set a timer, and keep up. IT's only a few days, but it may feel amazing to your cousin to have some time to herself.

You can say no, you have every right to say no. If it was me and someone I loved was struggling so badly I would say yes if it was only a night or two, but that is just me. Best of luck with whatever you decide!

Oh my please just say no! I know it's hard and I'm sure your poor cousin really needs a break (not only a break from a very difficult child but also wants to get drunk and laid too, I get it!) but you know that this is not your responsibility.
Poor woman, I seriously doubt the ex is coming back, he probably just wants the same thing, a little party/sex time, what a crappy situation all around, good luck :-(

You need to use your words.

Tell her you have no compassion for a mentally ill person and have no understanding of mental illness and don't understand that a person with these illnesses isn't able to just mind or to just settle down.

It truly sounds like she needs to find a local facility that offers respite care for families with disabled children. You are not an option because you don't understand mental illness, truly you don't. Schizophrenia is a severe lifelong debilitating mental illness that most end up being lifelong residents of mental health hospitals. He's not in control of much of his actions. The Schizophrenia is the game changer, okay? The rest are things that, with meds, kids can work through for the most part.

But Schizophrenia is rock solid hard core mental illness that can't be fixed. Not in any way, shape, nothing. Meds can help the symptoms but it's not curable or fixable or going to ever do anything but be managed. Miss a med and he's off his rocker again.

You can't do this. Tell her you can't do this. Please, for his sake.

i'm not sure how to answer this. i mean, how do you teach someone to say no other than simply say 'just say no'?
your cousin is being pushy, but you are giving her permission by not setting courteous firm boundaries.
'sorry, elmda, i won't be able to help you out. i have as much as i can manage on my own plate. have you tried care.com? good luck.'
repeat as needed.
khairete
S.

Do you know why she asked you? Does she not have the money to hire someone? Is she not linked to resources which would offer her free respite care? Has she hired someone or used respite care in the past and it was awful? Have you cared for her son in the past for shorter periods of time successfully and it worked out and she trusts you, even if you don't trust yourself?

From the little you've said, it sounds as if your cousin is at the breaking point. She is raising a child with significant needs on her own (if there is an ex). She may be trying to reconnect with her ex in hopes that he will help her with their son...and she desperately needs this weekend with him to make this happen.

Or, she could just be a negligent, self-indulgent woman who wants to get blind drunk and dump her kid on you.

Whatever the reason, I think that you need to simply say to her: I can't take care of your son for this long. I'm simply not qualified to care for him for that long, particularly with my own child. If you feel that you aren't qualified, then you shouldn't be caring for him.

And, then, if you want to help her emotionally, you can also say: I can't take care of your son for 3 days, but why don't we talk about ways that I can help you get a break now and then. And, then, perhaps suggest that once a week you take her son to a movie, so she can take a hot bath or not have to worry about a child who has major issues for just an hour or two.

We're all mothers. I think we all know that sometimes no matter how much you love your children, what makes the difference between loving them well and loving them less well, is knowing that once in a while, you can recharge.

My husband and I both have difficulty saying no to things like this, and have been caught miserable due to our own inability to respond quickly. We had to put a list up of wonderful excuses and refer to it until both of us came up with the ability to say no right away. Remember in most cases you can always say no first and change your mind later.