I Want to Help but How?

T.

I'm sorry - your friend is NOT helping her son - she's enabling him and his behavior. They need SERIOUS help.

First she MUST find a therapist or psychologist to help her and her son. She gave up on "helping" him years ago. Sorry to say. So unless she is ASKING for help?? She will NOT accept help and just go on with her life as is.

Does she want help?
Will she accept help??

She needs to go to an Al-Anon group for support.

What would **I** do if this was MY friend??? Next time we are out with our friends and he starts hitting his mom?? I would state with a SERIOUS tone - "Johnny. It's NOT acceptable to hit your mom. Please stop." Yes. that MIGHT cause problems in your relationship as he MIGHT listen to you. He might not...if he turns around and hits you??? This will be the hard part...will you report it??? This W. needs help. She is enabling her son by NOT saying NO to him and allowing him to hit her.

I would take her out to lunch and say "Joan. I love you to death. I've known you for many years and I am VERY concerned for you and Johnny. I've taken the liberty of finding several Al-Anon support groups in our area for you (then hand her the list). I've taken the liberty of finding therapists for both of you. I truly want you both healthy and happy."

Either way?? She's GOING to get defensive. She doesn't have any other way to cope. And for her?? **THIS** is her life. Maybe she's resigned to it - maybe she is silently screaming for help?? Maybe she cries herself to sleep at night...you NEED to let her know you care. you NEED to let her know she's NOT alone...be prepared...you're stepping up and saying something might put friction in your relationship - it might not... I don't know...but if you do NOTHING - what will that do??? NOTHING...

STEP UP!! SAY SOMETHING!!

i'm sure the folks who recommend that you intervene have their hearts in the right place, but the baseline commandment for intervention to be successful is for the person to recognize they need help and ask for it. the most i think you should do is what you have already apparently done, say something along the lines of 'honey, it hurts me to see you get pummeled regularly for just being a mom.' that opens the door, and allows her the choice to walk through it.
but it has to be her choice.
if you feel so strongly about it that you MUST make her listen to your POV then do it, but understand that you might sacrifice the friendship and still not make any lasting changes in the way they raise their son. you need to come down on one side or the other of 'her friendship means the world to me' or 'i can't stay quiet about it any longer.'
i too 'had' to speak up about a friend's parenting techniques when i was younger and brasher. it almost cost me my best friend. we recovered, but in retrospect i quake at the risk i took, and the hubris on my part. you might not be so lucky.
khairete
S.

If the direct approach Wild Woman has suggested works for you, go for it. Very wise.

But sometimes when I don't know what to say, at first, I say: "Dear friend, I love you and I want to be the very best of friends to you. I don't know what to say about your son's behavior, but I know it concerns me. " Then stop. Repeat as necessary. Show the love. Don't support the behavior. If you do, you are part of the problem. Perhaps you could go to an Al Anon meeting for supporting you throught this.

My daughter has anxiety. We have tried many different things to help her. I have one friend who has had a lot of success treating her son's anxiety. But her son is different than my daughter. Their issues are different, yet I wonder what they are doing that we are not. Because she has had success, she seems to have strong opinions about my daughter's anxiety and how we've addressed it. But she never says anything. I can tell when she has something to say and doesn't. It hurts me more to know (or believe) she has an opinion about me or my family and doesn't say it. It makes her seem more judgmental to me than if she spoke to me out of genuine concern. I know she is a good friend, but it hurts me that she judges me and doesn't speak and try to help.
If you are her good friend, maybe she feels the same toward you.

Ditto what Suz T. said. Sadly, several of my DV cases were women who's abusers were their sons. The best thing you can do for your friend is to let her know you love her and are worried about her. You might also express to her how much you love and are worried about her son. I would gather some resources for her including the name and number of the nearest DV shelter. She would absolutely qualify for admission. Be gentle with her. If you push too hard you will push her away. I know this from both professional and personal experience. You need to also take care of yourself. You can't rescue your friend and if it's just too painful and exhausting for you to handle don't feel bad about taking a step back and taking a break from the friendship. If you need any tips for specifically how to approach your friend and her son, feel free to PM me. You are a good friend. Just don't lose yourself in your effort to help your friend.

No matter how you do it or what you say, she will get defensive. But you still have to say something, if not for her sake, for your own. You need to know that you've done your best to help her, even if she wouldn't accept it. Her son will probably start really beating her up within the next couple of years. He is an angry child, and rightfully so, but he needs to get some help working through that anger.

The next time you are with them, and he goes to hit his mom, grab his hand and TELL HIM that hitting, especially hitting his mom, is unacceptable and if he does that again, you and your son will not be going on any further outings with them. Someone HAS to TELL this child!

If I have been friends with someone a long time, I would just be direct. Heck, I have even said things to people after only knowing them a short time. It takes the stress off of them, when they realize I am not judging, but just wondering and concerned.

I guess since so many kids have quirks, we are just used to being open and honest about it down here.

I would totally talk with her privately and tell I am very concerned about her first of all and tell her I was also concerned about her sons behaviors and what have the doctors suggested for him with his prognosis.

I would just act as though you realize that something must be going on with him. No judgment, just concern.

Well, if I was out with a friend and her kid and her kid hit her, I'd probably say "Billy! You don't hit your mom-EVER! Why would you do that??"

I think you just tell her, You are my friend and I just have to be honest with you. I would expect you to do the same for me. What I'm about to say will probably upset you a bit, because if you said it to me, I would be upset too if I heard this. Please know I'm saying this out of love for our friendship. I care deeply about you. I do think you are a good mother but I feel your son shouldn't be hitting you. This really bothers me, it's really hard for me to see him do this to you, because it's not right. He's becoming a young man and what's he's doing is bullying you. Then asked her if she minds sharing her feelings with you. See if she will open up. If she does get so defensive she may not want too, then just tell her. The door is open, please feel free to talk to me. Please understand, I'm seeing this from an outsider who has known you for years. I value our friendship and it hurts me to watch him do this to you. Hopefully it will open a door. The door may take longer to open up. But she will think about your words, so chose them wisely. Give her encouragement of how great of a person she is. Build her up before giving her the blow, that down deep she knows is wrong. You already know her husband isn't good to her, her self esteem is probably so low she cannot see how toxic the ones she loves are to her.
Praying for her