I Want Another Baby, but My Husband Says No

Hi S.,
no one partner in a relationship should be calling the shots. There should be reasonable discussions, pros and cons and decisions made in the best interest of your family. You need to be respectful of your husbands feelings and limits. He is being clear that having another child on top of his existing responsibilities and educational goals is too much - and that's really not unreasonable. If he was saying no kids ever - than that's a relationship difference that might not be able to be resolved, but since he's saying he needs security first - is really quite admirable. You're 19 and frankly, have another 19 years to possibly be making babies. I know that's not the point, but focus your attention on having a stress free supportive and loving home. Perhaps with that type of security your husband will warm to the idea of your family growing.
We have 2 young children and my husband is in graduate school. Despite the strong relationship we have - his commitments are very stressful on the whole family. I remember imaging getting pregnant when my 1st was very young, but the older she got - the more work she demanded and I realized she needed my attention then - not to be divided between another child. Your daughter will never feel "replaced" b/c you're the mom and will give all your kids the same amount of love and affection (but be warned - to do that means less and less time for you and a greater demand of patience, motivation, hard work , and creativity). 2 kids is NOT the same as 1 kid. MUCH more work. As fun as it is to have a sibling so close in age - the best thing you can do is secure your daughters confidence and self esteem by giving her a strong foundation leading up to an expansion of your family.
Sit back, enjoy your daughter and the many stages she's about to get into, and be a loving supportive wife. You and your husband need to be a solid team first. The fact that divorce would even be suggested demonstrates that you guys aren't there yet - and not surprisingly - I think it takes years to get there. Just love your family and do your best to fill your home with peace and support and joy. Don't go picking fights or waste time feeling hurt for not getting what you want. That's what being a team is. Be proud and grateful that you are married to a man who wants you guys to have a strong foundation and let him know it.
Then you both will know when your home is ready for more kiddos.

Good luck to you.
sorry, if this isn't what you wanted to hear from a stranger! I just had to be honest.

I think your husband would resent that new baby and you. I think that he is right about the money too, if he's just starting college. How can he study if a baby is crying and keeping him up at night? I say love and enjoy the one you have for now. You can still have another baby to love later.

I always thought that I wanted my kids close in age as well. After divorcing my ex, my son and I were on our own for a number of years until I got remarried and became pregnant. My son and daughter have 8 and a half years between them and I thought he would have difficulty sharing Mom, plus being an only child for more than 8 years would be tough for him but I was pleasantly surprised. He was extremely helpful, curious and loving with his little sister and I have absolutely no regrets in waiting. Plus,I was able to give him all my attention for so long and I really got to enjoy him without having to share my attention with another child.
In my experiences being a preschool/PreK and school-age teacher, little girls between the ages of 4-6 loved having a new baby because they pretend she is "my baby" and love to help at that age.
Financially, it sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now with your husband going to college. I know how strong the desire for a baby can be but sometimes the right choice-- for now-- is to wait. It's hard to not get what you want "right now" but I have to agree with your husband to wait so that you can provide for your daughter and your future babies.
Best of luck to you and enjoy all that quality time with your precious little one!

Hi, S.. I struggle with the same thing. I have a certain idea in my head about how I want my children spaced out, and my husband is not on the same page at all. I grew up in a family with 5 children close in age, and it's hard for me to imagine having a family that is different from that.

I've found that being practical has to win out (for me, anyway) in this case. We can't afford to have another baby right now and still provide all of the things that baby needs. Not just the basics like diapers and food, but also gym classes and trips to the aquarium and stimulating toys.

I think that there are a lot of ways to make it work, even if it's not the same as what you had growing up. I always remind myself that the family I've been imagining isn't exactly what's best for the family I have right now, so I am waiting a bit for number 2. That's what my first son needs, and that's what my husband needs, so in the end, that's what I need, too.

Maybe the way to approach this is to agree to talk about this again in 3 months. Give your husband some breathing room, compromise a bit, and don't mention it again until the date you set up with him. Then you can have another realistic conversation about it after you've both had a break from discussing it, and maybe his mind with change!

Good luck.

Adding another child to your family involves two people and support from both. Personally, I think he is making a responsible response. I know it's hard to hear because you want them close in age. But all different kinds of spacing between kids work. There is not just one way that is ideal.

To build a family, both adults need to be on the same page or at least a similar one. If he's talking abortion and divorce, he sounds pretty serious that his education is a major responsibility to him. Having another kid right now would not be wise, unless you plan on going it alone. My niece did that and it's not an easy path. To be so young, with two small ones, is no picnic!

My siblings were 5 kids in 6 years, and then me 5 years later. One set of niece and nephew are 10 or 12 years apart. Many kids are 2 years apart, and many are 4 years apart. The possibilities abound!

It's more about how you couch the situation. I've known plenty of older siblings who are old enough to understand that a new one is joining the family. And they can get very excited and learn to help and grow together.

You are so young. You probably don't want to hear that but in the grand scheme of things, you really are. I was almost twice your age when we had our son. (That has it's own set of challenges like getting tired when your child is raring to go.) But you will have plenty of time to cultivate a warm and loving family, while allowing your family to become financially independent with your husband finishing school. The trick is to see the bigger picture and work toward it.

I can attest to the fact that the job market is brutal out there right now. If your husband is committed to finishing his education, I would fully support that effort if I were you. If fact, if you're not doing it already yourself, I would encourage you to further your education as well. In the long run, you will be more prepared for what life deals you.

Good luck!

S.,
To echo what's already been said... Give yourself and your husband more time. You both have some maturing to do. He's not saying he never wants another child; he's saying not right now. We all want things that aren't necessarily prudent for us. How will another child impact your family financially? More importantly, how will another baby impact your ability to nurture and care for your children emotionally, especially if there is resentment or disagreement about bringing another child into your family right now? Wait until your young family has more stability.

Are you the same S. that left your husband at the end of Oct? If you are you should definately wait. You guys don't have a good enough relationship to be bringing another child into this world.

I think your husband is right! You are so young and to have another child when you are not financially stable and still in college is not very responsible. You would be better off waiting until you are all ready - your kids need a dad. I have 3 kids 9, 7 & 2 and it awesome to see the older ones interacting with their younger brother - they are SO helpful with him too. They will be close no matter what the age difference.

Both members of a couple really need to be on board to make a loving home for children, and a child deserves to be wanted desperately by BOTH parents. If now is not the right time (and your husband's reasons seem quite valid) then you should wait. Very few things are more stressful to a marriage than economic challenges, and it sounds like you husband is trying to ensure that you avoid this by improving his education while working to support the family he's already helped create. Your best bet is to be as supportive of this goal as you can. In the potentially huge, life-changing decisions that couples often have to make, the "no's" should always take precedence. For example, if your man wanted to buy a Porsche for this year's holiday season, your "NO" should win!
I wanted to have our two children closer together, but that's not how it worked out. There are benefits to doing it both ways, check out the huge body of literature on siblings at your library for perspective. In the long run, an intact, happy home with a positive atmosphere for your current child is the most important thing, so don't do anything to jeopardize that!
-L.

Abortion or divorce?? These are very strong statements. You need to listen to your husband's concerns. 2 is a lot of work, and they aren't cheap. I like my 2 close together, but my husband was on board with the idea. Come to this decision together, or you may be alone in your decision with 2 babies.

I have three children. My two oldest are girls and 3 years apart. Then when my youngest was 5 1/2 I had her little brother. So there's 8 1/2 years and 5 1/2 years between the older ones and their little brother. They both absolutely adore their baby brother. They had no problem adjusting to the new one in the house. They are more helpful. The 3 year age difference actually might have been harder for me and my oldest daughter too. I had two in diapers at the same time. They were both very demanding on me. And my oldest started reverting back to being a baby a little more when her sister came along. I do like the 3 year age difference between them. And I'm actually glad they are both girls because I never had a sister growing up. So at least they are close enough in age where they can confide in each other. Although, I must admit there isn't too much confiding going on between them these days (ages 10 and 7). They'll most likely appreciate having a sister more when they are grown and out of the house.

Anyways, my point is you are young. You have time to have your children. The adjustment doesn't have to be difficult. Plus in a year or so your husband might even feel a little different than he does now. He wants to have more children, right? Just not right on top of each other. I think you should respect that. Maybe you can sit down with him and make a plan that will work for both of you. How long until college is done? Is he going to a 4 year college? You need to be open and listen to what he wants and then try to work out some sort of compromise.

M.

Dear S.,

I feel for you. I was twenty with my first two... I want you to know that close together is great!!! AND 5 years apart is GREAT!!! I have 6 kids and include the 5 year spread and the 18 month spread. They both work. They say 5 years apart is like giving your child the gift of 5 years of undivided attention AND a sibling... kinda like getting to be an only AND a sibling- think: best of both worlds. It is all about how you care for and love your child/ren- and recognize that regardless of how you plan, each child and situation is entirely, and I do mean entirely different.
Dearest S., please ask yourself the harder question about what will work for your family to remain together. If your dear husband is suggesting Divorce or Abortion, how will that affect a baby who shows up? I know this can be mere blustering by a young? man who is now very much a family man- God knows many men have gotten over- "I don't want any more kid syndrome". If you make the decision together- you are probably still left with the responsibility... go carefully, take care- C.

Children do much better with a sibling when their parents are relaxed and comfortable. There is no magic age when it is better or worse to introduce a new sibling. One of my stepdaughters has children very close in age, but the other has kids 7 years apart. In the latter case, the older child was much better able to deal with a baby because he had a level of understanding about it. He was thrilled and did not have trouble adapting to change - kids adapt and change a lot through their teen years, and it's a great skill to develop and encourage. There are advantages to spreading them out too - only one in diapers at a time, no competition for toys, and so on. But the key, as others have said, is that your husband is so adamant! You have to take care of your marriage before you do anything else. I'd suggest the advantages to counseling, either for you or together, to get things clearer and calmer.

My advise is do not jepordize your marriage to have children close in age. It doesn't matter how close your children are in age as to whether they will be close an adjust. My sisters are 6 and 9 years older than me and we are the best of frineds. It all depends on how you prpeare #1 for #2's arrival (whenever that may be). My daughter was 3.5 when her little brother was born. She has not been jealous of him one day in her life. She is the best big sister and b/c of her age, she was able to help me a lot caring for him when he was tiny. Just wait for the 2nd, you have 20 years left to have kids.

Maybe come to a comprimise. He wants to wait until when? Having them close is hard. My oldest two are 2 1/2 years apart. They are perfect. My son is only 20 months younger than my second child. My second child had a hard time adjusting to not being the baby. It is hard to carry a toddler when you have a newborn. I understand the wanting them close. I actually would have had my first two two years apart but I lost a baby.Every kid adapts but it is nice to have a sibling. Maybe compromise with him and say next year could we try. It is nice for her to have someone to play with. I noticed you have the economy in your a little about me section. It is tough, I work from home to help pay the mortgage. I used to just be a SAHM but I had to get something to do to help out. Daycare is expensive and I cannot see having someone else raise them.
Good luck to you.
OH yah, tell your hubby good for him going to school, my husband and I decided to go back to school last year after a long time of not going! Tell hime good luck, where is he going? Online is awesome for people with families!

Hello S.,
What about waiting a year or two and then having the discussion again with your husband. Who knows how you and he will feel then. Don't worry. It will all work out in the end. Families come in all different shapes and sizes. Right now, enjoy your baby. Before you know it, she will be a toddler. You are young right now and have lots of time to have more children. Try not to worry and try not to rush things.
Good luck!

I agree with Rachel K. If you're the same person who has been going back and forth with problems with your husband and in-laws, you don't seem to have the stability required to have more children. You should focus on getting your current family stabilized. Having more children won't solve problems or bring your family closer together.

You're so young! You have plenty of time, please support your husand in getting his college degree. It will mean more financial stability for the family, whatever size it ends up being. With the economy the way it is, you can't be a breadwinner with a H.S. diploma anymore, you need a degree. Kudos to him for realizing that he needs a college degree to support his young family. He's thinking of you! Don't worry about spacing the children perfectly, there is no perfect spacing. Our boys are 2 years apart because I wanted to have the 2 children before I turned 35 (and I just made it). But you don't have that problem, you have LOTS of time. My sister and I are 4 years apart and we have a great relationship. We played together well for the most part, and it was nice having a big sister to look up to and go to for advice, etc. Don't stress over this, enjoy that baby, support your husband so he can get his degree, and you will reap the rewards!!!! Good luck.

Hi S.,

I just had another baby this past June and my older one is 5 yrs old. She is a great help and loves her sister so much. Yes, it was a huge adjustment for her to go from being "the only child" to having someone else command attention at home. But I think there are good sides to each argument to have children close together and farther apart. As others have suggested what about waiting a year or two until you are more finanically stable and your husband is out of school.

Best of luck in your decision process!!
M.

Well, I don't like the fact that your husband says that he would divorce you if you got pregnant. That is quite harsh. S., you are so young. You have plenty of time to have more children. Your first priority should be getting financially stable. Financial problems can destroy a marriage. Don't worry too much about your daughter feeling "replaced". As mothers we all worry about that. Every child and family is different. Just because you and your sister got along well doesn't mean your daughter and a future sibling won't just because they are not as close in age. My niece is 4 and my sister-in-law is having another baby and she is so excited. She can't wait till the baby is here so she can help take care of it. From my experiences it seems like older siblings are very attentive to a new baby and want to help out. Good luck with everything!
L.

You're thinking with your heart! Think with your head. Two isn't a big difference at all. Your good experience may not be your childrens. Some children want their own identity from their siblings always having to go places with them. Your husband is your number one. If you two aren't happy your kid won't be either. If you have another baby, sure they'll have siblings to lean on when their in a single parent family. Unfortunately your husband sounds pretty stubborn about this. It sounds awful I know. He does need to finish school so you can be financially stable. It's not your baby's choice if you have kids later in life. I'm sure there's a book out there to help your child cope...