I THOUGHT I Was Glad to Have Just Boys!

I agree that you need to know who will be there and that kind of stuff but who cares who makes the call. That's just silly. If you want answers...pick up the phone and call.

I don't know about the calling issue, just bc I am not there yet, so I really don't know who should call. But I will say that whenever I wanted to go somewhere and did not want the friend/boyfriend at my house or with my family, something was up. The fact you offered to have her over and he doesn't want that is a red flag to me. I think you did the right thing. Also, if you do have this young lady over and the parents allow her to come without talking to you I think I would definitely not let him go over there. I don't get how a parent can not know what to say. I mean it's not too hard to say 'we are home and having dinner'. Sounds like there weren't any parents there to me. Good luck!!

The phones work both ways. Why would you not call her parents? I can't tell you how many times I was the first parent to call, and how relieved the other parent was that I made the first move.

I have a 14-year old son and I can't even imagine letting him do something like that.

Your instincts are entirely correct imho.

Maybe he was embarrassed because he has to look like a "baby" in front of this girl, or his friends, when he says that he cannot go. I would respect his feelings but really draw the boundary lines and make them clear to him ("at this age you are not spending time with anyone, boy or girl, whom we do not know and where we cannot be reasonably assured that you are in a safe and proper environment"). Even very good kids and students can get in way over their heads. It's a parent's job to protect them from themselves sometimes (in a loving way).

Wow.

No, you are NOT asking too much. Your 14 year old son is asking too much. There is NO WAY IN HELL I would EVER allow my teenage child to go to his GF's home when I haven't even met the parents (SEVERAL TIMES). He needs to understand you are doing your duty as a parent. If he wants to be able to visit at her home, you MUST get to KNOW the parents--not even just a quick introduction. It sounds like you are raising your son right, but you have no idea what her family's values are.

What would I do? Invite her family to come join you on a family bowling night, or something like that, where you can all meet in a non-threatening environment, interact with the parents & the girl, see the kids together, and send a STRONG message to your kids that you are invested in them and whatever relationships they get themselves into. Talk to her parents in that kind of environment, as you will put them more at ease.

No meeting? No home visits. JMHO

ETA: Sorry, ladies, but I fear that many of you are failing your kids if you don't insist on meeting the parents of your kids' GF/BF. Do you know how many parents I saw during high school who WOULD let their kids do pretty much anything? One mom HOSTED drinking parties and let the kids go off into bedrooms. Ummmm, SOOOO not ok in my book! I reiterate that it is the parents' job to find out what kind of environment our children will be in. He's 14! Not 17 or 18.

I wouldnt let my 14 yr old son go to a girls house period.
But if you do, you should drive him over and meet the parents.
When you said he went to bed crying, I hope you didnt mean literally crying....
Since he doesnt want her at your house or taking her somewhere, he has something else on his mind. Maybe she has a good vid game system or something else that he wants to check out....?

I probably would have just called the parents and said, hi I'm so and so's mom, he's been invited to your house tomorrow and I just wanted to check in with you about that, will you be around? what will the kids be doing?
Yes, maybe her parents should have been the ones to call you but when it comes to other parents, don't get hung up on etiquette. My 7th grader came home with a girl from school the other day, a girl I had never met. I said, does your mom know where you are? she said yes, so I wait for a few hours expecting this mom to call me and check in, she never does, finally the girl's dad shows up right before dinner and doesn't even come to the door!
My point is that some parents are more lax than others when it comes to knowing who their kids are hanging out with. If your son really likes this girl I suggest YOU be the one to reach out to them.

You do not need advice becuase you are doing the right thing. You should call the girls parents and let them know what your expectations are. That they are supervised by an adult at all times and that you promise that when their daughter visits your house that their expectations will be followed at your house.

Listen, High School brings a whole new set of challenges. We do not have the "control" we had in grade & middle school when we met most of the parents and had a comfort level on where you kids where and where they were going.

You say He's a good boy! Talk to him. Let him know your fears and your expectations. Please keep talking and let him know that you love him. Also, let him know that you want to meet his freinds and be open to them visiting. Offering to take her to church is nice but for a teenager a little over the top for a new girlfriend that you know nothing about.

Listen, I tell my boys 16 & 13. that it is my job to make sure that there health and safety is met. Please keep an open dialog with your son! Good Luck!!

I have a 13 year old son and if he were going over to a girlfriend's house, I would want to know the details too, however, I would be the one calling her parents. If there is information that I want to know, I would be the one calling them, not the other way around. As for asking her to go do a function with your family, I think that's a good idea, in due time. Let them get to know each other first, then he introduces her to you. Maybe he's scared that by bringing her around too early would scare her off....

This is just what I'm going to do when the time arrives with my own sons.

I'm pretty appalled at the people posting who say you should just let him go over there, drop him off, be sure one adult is home, and leave. You have never met these parents or even the girl, and don't know where they live. They are all total strangers to you. It's not a matter of not trusting your son; you trust him. It's a matter of not wanting your trusted son dumped with people you have never laid eyes on before. I think you are right about that. They could be angels; they could be crazy; they could be a great positive influence; they could be a household where liquor bottles sit out for the kids to grab. Who knows? You don't, not yet.

You could be more flexible, however, about the call; it doesn't matter if you call them first, though I would have hoped they'd call you especially as you asked for it --and courtesy would mean they should call since it was their chiild who issued the invitation to yours, right? But I'd call them anyway. It's entirely possible that the girl wasn't really truthful when she texted that her mom "didn't know what to say"; that sounds like maybe the girl didn't know how to ASK her mom to call or how to explain to her mom what was going on.

Consider getting both your families together - the parents as well as the girl with you and your son. Try not to take other siblings along. I'd make it low-key and something where the kids can go off by themselves somewhere that you can see them -- like an outing at a park or a visit together to a local fall festival etc. But yeah, I'm with you overall, and I can't believe folks think that just because kids are teens and trustworthy that you should let them go into total strangers' homes. If that's too overprotective, so be it.

Tell your son that you are not allowing him to go there because you love him and once were a teenager yourself. You know what teenagers want to do and you know that they aren't as good at controlling their actions. Tell him you aren't ready to be a grandmother and he isn't ready to be a father. The world will not end if he doesn't go to her house. If you are going to be home, she is welcome to come to your house, and they can't be behind closed doors. Ask him what plans he has in case she gets pregnant. How he would feel if she had an abortion. (That's your child she would be killing. How would that make you feel?) What are her plans if she gets pregnant? How much money do they have to support a child?

I know a former teenager who was allowed to go to her boyfriend's house two counties away. She is now quite promiscous, has quite a reputation, and posts on her FB account that she loves SEX. Her captialization of the word. : (

Teenagers have hormones surging through their veins that are telling their bodies to have sex. Adults have the responsibility to keep an eye on them so that they don't have sex until they are mature and can handle the finacial and emotional reponsibilites that come with having sex.

Good luck and hugs to you during this trying time. : )

If all you are wanting is to talk to the parents, then just go ahead and give her folks a call. It isn't their responsibility to call if you are the one wanting the information.

My son is 15 and has his first girlfriend. Honestly, I would not let him go over to a girl's house, or any one's house, after school unless I had met the youth and his/her parents. And, adults would have to be present. This has always been my rule, and he knows and understands that. I will also not let another youth come to my house if I am not home. These rules are not negotiable to me.

I always tell my son, since he currently states (to anyone who will listen LOL) that he is not going to have sex until he is married, that in order to keep that goal he must not let himself get into a situation that will compromise that goal. I.e., no alone visits with girls, no dark corners, etc., and to have a chaperone, or hang out with a group a friends.

So with he current, first GF, I have offered to take them to a movie, to play goofy golf, and recently took them to lunch during band practice the other weekend. That way they get to spend time together, but with appropriate boundaries for their age bracket.

So, I don't think you are out of line.

Oh, heck, especially if the other parents "didn't know what to say" -really? How reassuring.

Stick to your guns Mama. To help you, I could tell you about my son's classmate who had a baby at 14. That freaked him out also.

Good Luck
God Bless

Hi S., I've got a gorgeous fantastic 14 yo daughter. I would love for your son to come 'hang' at our house. In fact, before I let her do anything ELSE with your son, I'm gonna need him to hang out here with us a few times first, you know?

I don't really need to talk to you on the phone, or 'know' you in someway. The kids can make plans and check with me that the timing is good. They can play video games, go for a walk, listen to music. They can even hang in her room with the door open. (Just so you know, I can SEE her whole room, and I can HEAR every little thing)

I want you to know that my daughter has a lot of self respect, has excellent grades, but also enjoys life and your son will not be her first boyfriend.

Probably I'll order a pizza or something for dinner. Also I will probably ask him some questions, more to make conversation then anything else.

So yeah, by ALL MEANS let the poor kid go to his gfs house. And next time have her over to YOUR house when your home!

:)

No I think you're totally reasonable. Of course you should speak to the parents to make sure someone is home and find out what they're doing. My oldest are 13 (almost 14) and whenever they ask to go to a friend's house of the opposite sex, they know to tell their "friend" that they won't have an answer until the parents connect. Now I don't care if I have to call the other parent or the parent calls me, but somehow, we're going to touch base before the visit so that I know that they know the kids are going to be there and I expect that a parent will be home. I expect other parents to do the same and am surprised when they don't. I also let other parents know what days I work at home and am able to host friends after school and that if their child says that they're coming to my house on any other day, they're either using my house as cover or my kids are in big trouble for planning on having people over when we're not home (and our neighbors call me at work anyway if they notice other kids there LOL). Even with same gender friends who we've known for years, if I am driving a child over to the house I usually see that parent at drop off (sometimes we chat and say hello, sometimes it's just a wave from the door to the car) or if they're walking or biking, I'll call or text the other parents to confirm that they're expecting a guest.

Also, if I know that either of my big kids are "going out" with someone that the parents of the other child are aware of the status. Because I have a boy and girl, there is a lot opportunity for shenanigans - one boy who was "going out" with my daughter used to tell his parents that he was coming to my house to hang out with my son and never mentioned that there was a girl here, so they had no qualms about him coming over. Slightly different reaction when we filled them in on the "relationship" status - then they started checking in to make sure that the kids were where they said they would be.

Bottom line is that the parents of my children's friends are in constant contact with my husband and me. We don't stalk them, but we'll give a quick call or check in to make sure that everyone says they are where they claim to be going and that other parents are aware that the kids are planning on going to their house.

I would have just called the other parents and then dropped him off.

*Sidenote: Taking a girl he likes to church? At 14? C'mon Mom.
Don't you remember what 14 was like?

I have a son that is also almost 14. He doesn't have a girlfriend, but I can easily see myself in your shoes. You are not asking too much as far as wanting to know the details as to who will be there and what they will be doing, but you need to make the call. I often call the parents of my son's friends, and they seem to appreciate it. It breaks the ice and we get to know each other that way. I want to know what the other families are like, what the boys are doing. I also want them to know that the boys are welcome to hang out at our house. The same is true in this situation. Let the girl's parents know what your expectations are, and find out what they expect as well. Chit-chat. A phone call goes a long way, and you shouldn't wait for them to make the call. Good luck! :)

First of all this in not a "playdate" this is a teenage boy there is no "plan"- this is what you do you get the address the home phone number you drop him off make sure there is a parent there(actually meet them) when you drop him off let him know you will be getting him in an hour or so. Call in an hour or so ( not your son the house) and tell them you are on your way to get him. There needs to be some level of trust of here- trust your son he is a good kid lengthen the leash a bit.

Why don't people trust their kids?

" He is a good boy, does well in school, and rarely gives us any problems." Your words. He's just going over to her house. Here's my advice: get the address. Let him go there for a couple of hours.

The truth is, mom, as your boy gets older, he will have more and more freedom, and you won't know where he is all the time, and if he's going to do bad things, you won't be able to stop him. So you might as well build trust and open lines of communication now.

You need to show your son that it is possible to go to a girl's house for a couple of hours and not get into trouble. How about this: let him go, and then pick him up from the girl's house around 6:00. That way you can see where she lives, maybe meet the mom and get a vibe for the situation.

If she's his girlfriend, you might as well use this opportunity to meet her family.

Call the parents. Period. You're setting him up to lie next time. If YOU have a problem with it, then show your son how you deal with it. Call and talk to them. Then decide. Otherwise, you're showing him that you don't trust him to go hang out at someone's house and watch TV. He's done that a million times. You and I know this is different - so call the parents. I don't mean to sound harsh, but you're the one causing the drama, not him. He has a GF and wants to spend time with her. Let him go this time (after you talk to the parents), and tell him next time, she needs to come over to your house. Who knows, her parents may not be comfortable with that. Just try to relax, and be smart... not controlling. You'll lose if you do that.

No, you are not asking too much. They need to think of what to say NOW, they have a 14 year old daughter that is dating.
I guess if they cant take responsibilty, then you have to. I would call them and break the ice I guess. Just tell them that eventually you would like to meet them, you dont allow your son at their house if a parent isnt home, etc.
I would lay it all out there.

I assume that your son would need someone to drop him off at these her house. If not- maybe you could just go with him for the first time. Introduce yourself and make sure that you know where the place is, what it looks like, and if the parents are in fact going to be home.

You aren't asking too much for the information you want, but you are asking too much that you expect all parents to feel the same way as you. Unfortunately, not all parents are going to care where their kids are or they may think their kid is an angel and so the just assume they are going to do the right things.

My guess is that her parents weren't going to be home so she didn't ask them and that was the only excuse that they could come up with. Go with your son the first time he goes over and get the family's phone number. It is always a parent's business where their kids are and what they are doing.

Maybe I'm too trusting of my 14 year old son... I know he has a girlfriend, even though he hardly will admit it. However, last year he did have one that he actually said was his girlfriend. I never met the parents, but he did go with their family to the zoo. I never met her personally, just saw her pictures and a few times at school functions. He would meet up with her and her friends at the park sometimes. I just remember one time he called and asked if I could pick him up at his girlfriends house and I was like "I don't know where she lives", so her parents brought him home (it was pouring down rain).

I like to think I raised him to be a decent young gentleman. I have talked to him about sex already, and tried to express how important it is to respect girls as well as wait until marriage.

I probably am a little easier with him than his sister and who she's with. I do think it's a good thing that he at least asked if he could go to her house, he wasn't sneaking around. Hopefully he won't either.

Sorry, I think you're asking too much for a girl that he's just started dating.
Does he have a phone to call if you he needs to?

I would want to know where she lives. But to me, expecting a chaperone and detailed explanation of why they would want to hang out? They're kids! And they like each other! They're going to have awkward converastion and watch a movie.
You might relax this a bit.

(Although the other mother not calling becuase "she didn't know what to say" is weak. But I don't think I'd let that steer me away just yet.)

i would let him know and J. call and make sure they're going to be there. They have the girl so they will be more cauteous about alone time more likely. Also its crazy to ask what they'll be doing, teens don't make plans, they J. hang out. I think if you don't let him, he'll start to sneak arnd and then you won't have any control. So make the call confirm they'll be there make sure you talk to him about safety and your views on intimacy, whatever they may be and trust him to live up to your expectations

I am in my late 30s but I still remember there was rarely a plan at that age. Teens hang out by watching TV/movie, playing video games, listening to music etc. Perhaps when the other mom heard she needed to call and tell you about a plan, she felt awkward and really did not know what to say since she did not expect their to be a formal plan. If you wanted to have a conversation with her parents before allowing your son in their home, you could have called them. Or perhaps, invite the girl to your home instead.

I don't see why it matters who made the call, so long as introductions were made and details ironed out. If the other mom was uncomfortable calling, just pick up the phone yourself!
My motto with my teen was trust and verify. I trust her to do what she said and be where she said and I also verified that was actually happening! I had no problem calling the other moms, being sure everyone would be supervided and maiking sure they were on the same page with me so far as my expectations of my daughter.

We have a child in middle school also and we've had to get used to the fact that some parents just don't call when the kids make plans so WE can work out those details. In our school there's not many timid parents so it's not often but when needed and I didn't hear from the other mom/dad, I just went ahead and called myself with my child standing right there. I would introduce myself over the phone and tell the mom/dad that (Child 1) and (Child 2) have been talking about getting together and I wanted to see if that was alright with them. The go in to the other details. No matter which parent should be the 1st to call, if it doesn't happen, I go ahead and call to help reduce in the family drama and then it gets resolved much more quickly and we can move on.

As parent we make a lot of decision for our kids. At 14 I would not let my son go over without talking to a parent or knowing the parents. With how your son is reacting more was planned. When you give him the line of them spending time with you and he got mad, that was your clue. Stand your ground you are the parent. He will thank you later. Both of my children have to me, it is because I didn't give them everything they wanted, but I gave them what they needed.

Good Luck and Prayers,
T.

Then you call and get all the details. I would not let him go until I knew what was going on.

it looks like it was your angery approach to the matter. its very take charge and bossy. at least it comes across like that in your question. i wonder if he thinks you were slightly rude to the girlfriends parents. i too would want to know if the parents were going to be there as teens get a little too frisky. but at the same time i am sure everyone knew it was implyed that frisky business would be going on and it offended some. my advice is to take a deep breath and be very nice about it. explain to the any other parents that you just want to know that someone will be home when they are over. not that your kids cant handle being on there own it just makes you feel better. from what you put in your question i looks like you handled the "hanging out" more like a play date! idk i was not there. talk to your son and find out calmly what is really bothering him.

S.,
I know I am a day late with my answer but I thought I would add my message for you.
I had 4 girls and now am raising 3 of 11 grans, 2 of which are boys, the oldest is now 16, we ALWAYS call the parents if we don't know them & if we don't get the 'great vibe' we actually take him over & meet the parents before he stays either for awhile or for an overnight (not the girlfriend overnight!:) ), so far we have only been around one girl for awhile and a couple who have come to our house (which REALLY blew us away since we would NEVER allow ANY of our girls to go to a boy's house where we had not talked and met the parents).
I worry that the parents wouldn't call and/or that the girl didn't make certain that they did. It may be the girl simply didn't ask the parents for some reason. It could be they are creepy parents who just don't care or that they said, "NO!" and she was too embarressed to tell him.
If he is still wanting to be involved with this girl, you really should call yourself & check out the situation.
Once you make that call you will be better prepared to KNOW how to handle his future requests.
BTW-the oldest boy here doesn't really want to 'show off' his recent girls, but our 12(13 in one month)yr old boy talks about & asks about having his girlfriends of the moment go with us wherever, whenever & will bring them around the moment he decides he likes them. Different personalities dontcha' know.

The more open he is with you the better off you are, try not to alienate him by not making the call, he came to you, be glad of that, you know he is not, 'sneaking around' which would put up about a zillion RED FLAGS.

Hope you get it all worked out! ;)