I Think I'm Jealous of My Husband and I Feel like an A$$

When I got to the line, "yeah right, because you're going to be a lawyer or something?" -- the hair started to bristle on my neck.

What the heck is your husband doing, trying to undermine her education? Maybe she WILL become a lawyer. She sure as heck isn't going to become a baseball player. It's bad enough when parents obsess over their boys' unlikely future football stardom, but your daughter has zero chance of becoming a hall of famer, and a baseball college scholarship still requires that she do well in school.

Kids go through phases. I promise you, there will be other times in her future when you will have more in common with her. So try to suppress the jealousy and enjoy her current passion. It already sounds like she feels like she wants something more.

But more importantly, you need to have a talk with your husband about the message that he is sending her about her education. If your husband is the type who can't listen and hear anything, you may need to do it with a counselor, because baseball cannot be the only focus of your daughter's life, and your husband is currently enjoying living vicariously through his daughter.

Good luck.

Please do not let your own misgivings about "I'm just jealous of their time together" blind you to the very real situation where he is pouring all HIS ambitions for sports into her. He is undermining her academics with his comments and he is teaching her that academics is solely in the service of being able to play ball. When he tells her about the minimum GPA to stay on the team, and talks about college softball scholarships but never about academics or majors, he is teaching her that softball comes before her education and that all that junk that goes on in class is just stuff to wade through while her real focus and goal is her sport.

She is not well-rounded, mom, and you know it. Don't let your own fear -- fear that you're only motivated by jealousy -- keep you from helping her. You are absolutely seeing the big picture here and your husband does not. This is also damaging your marriage in a very real way -- your husband and daughter have formed a relationship that does not admit you into it at all, and while it's fine for one parent to be close to a child, the parent should be adult enough to see when the other parent is being excluded to the point that you are.

I second the idea below of you and your husband seeing a counselor, perhaps starting with the two of you talking together with the school counselor who handles academics at her high school. Frankly I might even talk to that counselor privately and alone, in confidence, and express the serious concern that the girl's education is being undermined by the intense sports focus. Then have your husband come in, if you trust the counselor not to break confidentiality and say that you were in earlier to talk. (I don't normally want to say, go behind his back, but in this case you may need to prime things a bit.)

If this doesn't work, your husband needs to hear from someone who is not you. Does he have a male colleague or friend who is a good enough friend of yours that you can get that person to intervene? Because, I hate to say it -- your husband isn't going to listen to you because you aren't part of the softball inner circle. He isn't respecting you as his wife or as a mother.

If the school counselor and an approach by a friend fail -- time for marriage counseling because the larger issue here is that he's self-centered to the point he isn't being an adult parent; he's being an ambitious coach, and another issue is his lack of boundaries (he's overinvolved in her sports life) and his lack of respect for you. Plus, you may have issues you want to discuss about why you've let him do this for so long, and how you can get your child back into a balanced relationship among three of you, not just a relationship with dad and a softball.

If your child gets injured and can't play any more; or loses a scholarship due to injury and has no prospect of college ball; or something happens that she loses interest -- what will he do then? Will he basically dump her as his buddy, or pester her to play injured, or rail that she gave up? Does he know her beyond knowing her as a softball player? I would ask him about these things.

Does he know that she says "I still want a life"? When she says that do you let it slide past or do you halt, look her in the face, stop everything and say, "OK, I'm glad to hear what you want. What else do you want to be trying?" Give her the shock of hearing you ask her that directly and if she stutters, uh, I don't know, I just know softball - have some ideas ready. Will she be strong enough to flout Dad if he says no, you can't do anything else? Will you?

I can relate. Not in all details, but my daughter is a jock. My husband is into it - he was an athlete in high school and college. I was definitely not. She is also smart but athletics interferes with getting the work done. My husband also supports academics though and I would be having a talk with my husband if he didn't. How many professional women athletes are there anyway? What is she going to do when she is 30 and past her softball prime? Has he thought about that?

I have let my husband be the one who supports her athletically. I go to games when I can, and help with tournaments and stuff like that, but he is obsessed with all the details. I can understand your jealousy also. You and she need to bond with something else, though. She does need to be more than a softball player so talk to her about what other things she wants to do, what she in interested in. You can support her in so many ways that are not softball.

Take home message -
1-talk to your husband (about the importance of other things)
2-talk to your daughter (about things you and she can do)

Kids go through phases of being more aligned with one parent than the other. But it stops there.

Your situation is much worse. I think, deep down, it's not so much that you are jealous, but that you feel your daughter is unidimensional! Please ask your husband to make a list of all the professional softball players who have made a great career of this sport! Who are the heroines of sport that he wants your daughter to emulate and surpass? There are NONE! He is setting your daughter up to feel that this is the be-all and end-all of pursuits, but it's really much more about it meeting his need to be valuable and involved. It's not about her at all.

Your daughter, even if she were to be a professional athlete in a field where there is some opportunity for women (tennis, for example), needs an education to manage her finances and contracts, deal with contracts, and withstand the incredible amount of rejection and failure that faces any pro athlete. And what happens when they get to the end of their careers? Even male pro athletes need skills and education and a career after they have made their millions - they have to retire at 35 or 40 (tops) and that's if they don't have career-ending injuries. Then they are DONE. They need money, education, goals and self-esteem. And again, there is no precedent for any female softball player making a career of this.

Your daughter's entire self-image is built on one thing. You live in Colorado so she's not playing year round. She MUST have other interests.

Here's the thing. Your daughter is not going to go to college, and not just because of her grades. Colleges want well-rounded and multifaceted kids who can relate well to a diverse student body and who are worth the tremendous investment the school makes in each student. This is more than just scholarship money - it is expensive to recruit and retain students, and to replace them when they drop out or flunk out. College kids have to do stuff they don't enjoy - they have to take required courses, they have to study, they have to go to bed on time, they have to do laundry, they have to get along with roommates and hall mates who may have very different interests, they have to deal with professors, and they have to live away from home. Your daughter is entirely wrapped up in one person - her dad - and one sport - softball. She has little or no interest in education other than meeting the bare minimums to stay on the team. College admissions officers will see this and feel that she is a high risk candidate for their school.

So your daughter is headed for a massive let down, and your husband is undermining her at every step by telling her she has insufficient intellectual ability to get an education.

I'd step in right now and schedule some meetings with the guidance counselor and the school psychologist. Make your husband attend. Have a serious sit-down about your daughter's future, while she can still have one.

And get some help for your marriage because any husband who belittles his wife and her input/ideas is teaching his daughter that she should endure that kind of treatment from the boys and men in her future. He thinks he's building her up, but he's not. He's handicapping her. This will turn into long-term resentment, and when your husband stops looking at "next season" and starts looking at "next phase of her life", he'll be horrified at what a tunnel vision dad he was.

You're beating yourself up. There's a difference between an involved parent and an "enmeshed" parent. One is healthy and the other is not.

Your husband sounds overly identified with your daughter's softball career, to the point that he's not looking at the big picture as to what is best for her.

There is NOTHING wrong with you speaking up and pointing out other options for her besides softball. And there's nothing wrong with her staying in softball and pursuing it at the college level. But your husband really needs to think about his level of emotional investment. How will your daughter feel if she suddenly can't play anymore (injury God forbid)? She's got alot of pressure on her to keep your husband happy (too much pressure for a kid imho). She has other family relationships which are being neglected (it sounds like).

This is why it's always tricky for a parent to manage a child's career, be it sports or performing arts. If you're not careful you can cross a line. Yes it can be successfully done. But people need to have healthy boundaries.

Maybe instead of resentment you're actually feeling some reasonable concern about the situation. I known I would have some, at least the way you have described it here.

Good luck and hope this works out for the best.

I understand to an extent. My son plays baseball and will - hopefully - make the high school team this year. My husband and him have a connection with this that makes me feel left out at times. I can't help him practice (he throws too hard !) and if anyone stays at home with our younger son it's me. So I miss some games. But - one thing your husband needs to consider - and this is what we have been told by the high school coach - is colleges look at grades just as much as skill. The minimum doesn't cut it any more. If they make the team in college, the coaches get their grades and / or gpa's every week and have a team average they have to have. So they are looking for kids that work hard in high school and keep their grades up.

I'd like to know what your husband says when you privately bring up your point that she needs to do more than the minimum. And that softball is not a long term future plan.

I think that you and your husband should meet with a guidance counselor about sports scholarships, academic requirements, recommended majors, careers, etc. I wonder how your husband has determined the GPA requirements for college admission, team rosters, etc. He may be seriously misled, and therefore misleading your daughter.

You also might contact the admissions department of a school with a well-regarded college women's softball team. I'm assuming your daughter is in high school now, and many future college athletes start planning years ahead. Ask them what they would recommend for a young student who plans to pursue college softball.

Don't force the issue of good grades and other career options on her, just keep encouraging her to do her best, because no matter how good an athlete is, they still have to pass that college admissions board, and she'll want college choices, right? And colleges regard extracurricular activity now as essential to the admissions process. She'll want to appear well-rounded, and have excellent grades, in order to be able to have a choice of colleges and great varsity softball teams.

You might even get a couple of admissions forms from colleges with great softball teams and see what's on them. Just throwing a fast pitch or being able to snag a fly ball won't cut it.

I am a community college teacher and I have several students in my classes who were star athletes who then got scholarships and then either got injured or failed academically because the could not balance the time commitment required for their "free" college education or because they had not prepared for the academic work while still in high school.

I am on your side. I would not try to argue with your husband. I would find a good high school academic counselor to talk to.

I remember you posting about this issue before.
I will say the same thing I said then, go out and get yourself some new hobbies, activities, friends.
Take some classes, start a new workout routine.
High school and softball may be consuming your husband and daughter for NOW, but it's only going to be a few more years. She will go off to college and then your HUSBAND will be the one suffering, looking around and wondering what to do with himself. But you won't be because you will have built interests that don't depend on your daughter's involvement.
I know you want to be closer and spend more time with your daughter, but she will come back around. Teenage girls by nature break away from mom, they grow up, move out and then (hopefully) become one of your dearest friends.
So get out there and have some fun, stop moping about them and try to enjoy your freedom!!!

In this day in age, if your daughter is happy, smart , and engaged in something that has a positive influence on her, just be happy. There are so many bad influences out there, and a lot of kids who don't have the connection with parents as yours has with her father. That should be embraced, and thanked.

For me, I never had a connection to my own father. I do know that it would have been such an awesome thing to have at that age.

It sounds like you really just want to fit into your daughters life right now. if sports isn't your thing, find something enjoyable that you and your daughter can do together. For me, my mother and I would go horseback riding, see sappy movies together, and watch the Oscars very year by ourselves. It's those memories that last, and create a bonding experience. Sure you want her to excel academically, and be able to become a fully functioning independent adult. Just make sure you have some fun time together along the way.

I do think it's normal to have these feelings. Just change your attitude, and set aside time with your daughter.

Your perspective is actually not too far off from a healthy balance, so don't feel bad!

And KUDOS to you for having a kid in an all-consuming sport. It's supposedly great. My kids WILL NOT have that opportunity. I'm a single mom of three, so no way in hell will I be able to revolve our family's affairs around one kid's sports. Much less 3 kid's sports. And I'm with you: "Meh" to sports anyway. My kids all play instruments and do whatever other activities we can fit in, but no sports right now. We took a break from martial arts which they are all good at, and will reassess next year.

So anyway, I don't think you need to feel like you're "failing" at being interested enough in her sport. I played softball as a teen. Ick. Not a practical life skill to say the least. I will be seriously dreading it if my girls beg to play at some point and will do the bare minimum to get them to practice. Even if I let them play. It may not be possible. Who knows.

So. You're already leagues beyond lots of moms in your support, and to be honest, I'd back off! Do less! Don't go to the boring games except for some. She's got her dad there which is PLENTY of attention. She'll appreciate you more if you're not there constantly. Pursue a different activity for yourself so you don't feel left out and inadequate. You're seeing all those mega softball moms, but you're not seeing the ones that are busy working or doing something else. Some of them surely must not be as ecstatic as they seem to be there. If you go less frequently, you can really shine when you do go.

As for your husband's obsession with it. You need to get really serious with him about this. Softball is NOT a college-worthy goal, unless they feel a career in softball after college is definitely what she's striving for..(?!) and he needs to stop belittling things that are not softball. He should see the logic to this if you present it in a positive way and don't attack. Try your best not to let him completely abscond with your daughter's teen years! Tell him it's only fair for you to get to suggest some activities or trips or whatever that entail other things in life. Maybe demand a counselor if he won't listen.

Sorry you're going through this!

This is her life for right now.
About the only thing you can say is - be sure to have a back-up plan.
Injuries happen - and they can destroy sports careers.
And I like to think most athletes have a back up career for when they retire sometime in their mid 30's.
I knew someone whose son was so gungho after a soccer scholarship.
Played it for years, was the best on his team.
One instance of stepping on the ball ended up breaking his foot in 3 places.
They had to use 3 pins to get his foot together and him healed and walking again.
After that - golf was the only sport he could manage.
His soccer life was over.
In the meantime - you go off on your own to pursue your own interests sometimes.

Personally, I think it's the Coolest Thing Ever that your daughter and her father are That Tight. I wish my kids had that.

:)

At this age college scouts are in those stands watching the girls they've tagged in their research for kids they'll be recruiting for the college they work for. They watch them and keep track of their stats so they can recommend them and get the awesome scholarships. The coaches may know some of them but the scouts do try to be incognito. This way the coaches don't change the lineups or how the player is shown.

If she's good at softball she might get to go to college free. Do you get that?

I understand what you're saying though. If she gets hurt where she can't play then dad will have to pick up the pieces. If he's not able to look at her other than his prize softball player he could be in for a life changing crisis.

I suggest you talk to them at dinner some evening and let your anger and rage come out. Let them know you want out of your marriage and out of this family because softball has stolen your life.

You are angry and resentful. I can understand how you feel but you have choices. You can tell your family how you feel and try to get them to work on doing other family activities.

If they have no interest in that or respect for your feelings then why are you staying with them? Her future is important but you are a family right? Not from what you're saying here.

If you want to throw a monkey wrench in the mix why not visit with each of her teachers and find out why her grades are slipping? Find out if it's because she doesn't have time to study or if she's too tired to participate or what's going on. Find reasons to make her do better in school.

I played softball all through jr. high and high school then I played in college. I was playing in the outfield and a hit ball was over my head, there was a fielder behind me and center-field was a show off and trying to catch it. The fielder behind me called it and center-field took a dive, right into my legs. I went down and ended up with torn ligaments and had to have surgery. I had hundreds of stitches inside plus metal and staples and so much damage they weren't sure if I wouldn't have to wear a brace on my knee forever.

I had massive surgery, casts to protect the incision, physical therapy for nearly 6 months then I worked at home with home made things to continue the work to strengthen my knee. I wore a brace for about 2 years.

My life changed in one moment.

I ran several miles per day, I worked out in the college gym doing weight training especially on my legs for running speed. I also played catcher some and stronger legs helped me to hold those uncomfortable stances and react quickly.

Your daughter loves a sport. She is happy. Her father needs to understand that she is going to move away in a few years and he's going to have nothing to do with himself anymore. He won't be coaching anymore, probably won't. He won't be running off to games and he will have to find other things to do. As much as he loves softball you may still have to compete with him going to games or watching it on TV though. I think you have to come to terms with this. If talking to him isn't something he's going to listen to then you have to choose.

I think you should find something you like and get involved with that. By having something to fill your time and that void you may find that you feel better about everything.