I Pay My MIL to Watch My Son and I'm Not Happy with the Situation. Please Help!

You should stay home, you're really not being fair to your MIL and it would be better for everyone. I don't think you are ever going to be happy with the way anyone else cares for your child. And who would? That's one of the reasons why I stay home.

I don't mean to be too harsh, but it is kind of ridiculous that you are complaining that she eats your food and does things like pay her bills, make phone calls and take a shower. Do you really expect her to be on the mark and at your son's beck and call 24/7? Does your boss expect you to act that way and never make a personal call or email? Let alone never take a break? I was a nanny during graduate school for a wonderful family who bent over backwards to make sure they had food stocked that I liked and that I was able to bring my homework and grading with me and get it done.

So no, I don't think you should continue to have your MIL nanny for you. But it's for her sake that I say this. It will be worse with an unrelated nanny or daycare so I really think you should consider staying home because you will be much more at ease with the way your son is cared for.

Ok, I just read this again and actually I will be a little harsh. You pay her FIVE dollars an hour to drive all the way to your house, stay at your house and watch your son. That is criminal. And you're complaining about her eating your food and getting a few things done? I think you need to consider who's being truly selfish here.

I agree with your husband. Quit your job and stay home. That way you know what your son is doing all day long. You'll be in control and not have these concerns.

Also, what's wrong with your MIL eating healthy food? Do you expect her to eat junk?

I have to agree, that, sometimes grandmas, dads, aunts, etc can have a very different day with a young child than a mom. It always used to bug the heck out of me, when I would finally get a break from the kids - leave them with dad to go do something- come home, and he had gone on with his day, like it was no big deal. I would marvel at how much he could get done, where I struggled to get in my shower, vacuuming, etc. It's because he was dad. The kids didn't hang on his leg, demand attention, etc with him, like they did with me. So, as far as how much she can get done, that doesn't really surprise me all that much.

The food situation- like already mentioned, if she's there for that long, she's gonna eat and snack. The expensive food is ..organic, or stuff from Whole Foods or something like that? I know that stuff gets way more expensive than the regular stuff at the local store. Geez, even that is getting expensive!! You have to provide something for her to eat. You could ask her what some of her favorite foods are and stock the fridge and pantry with that- the odds are that she will eat that, over your $ stuff. Driving 45 minutes, alone, would be almost $40 worth of gas for me! She's not making a lot on this gig, so providing her fave foods is a nice gesture.

The crib- biting. None of my kids really did that. But, we lent our crib out to some friends, who had a very well-loved child whom I doubt VERY much was left to cry. WHen we got it back, it had bite marks on it. It could be that your son isn't going to sleep right away, is teething, and biting on the crib. You may not notice that he's doing it when you are with him, but it may be completely innocent. I would agree, that if you are really worried, set up a camera, but know that if she finds out- or finds the camera- feelings will get hurt. (I'm just guessing, but it's really likely).

I wish you luck!

Well, she can't be too selfish if she is making that round trip drive. With what you're paying her I'm sure much of it goes to gas!
Of course she may not spend as much time with him one on one as you do, YOU'RE the mom. But is she loving towards him? Does he seem happy to be around her? If yes, then I'd let it go.
At 17 months your son should be able to entertain himself for short periods of time so you can do small tasks, like paying bills. What kept my little ones most entertained at this age was not toys, it was pots and pans and spoons and water play. Also they loved to "help" mommy clean using a little spray bottle and rag.
It sounds a bit like maybe you just don't want your MIL there every week. If that's the case, and you don't love/need to work, then maybe you could just quit your job and stay home. Good luck :)

Honestly, if this was my situation, I would just quit my job and stay home with him all day. Sounds like husbands got the right idea. If youre dead set on working, i would get a nanny cam. Theres nothing wrong with seeing what goes on with your son when you are not home. There are many daycares around here that are covered with cameras so that you can log online at work and literally see what your child is doing that moment in daycare. Its not necessarily spying as it is having a right now what goes on with your baby when youre not around.

I hear what you are saying but step back and look at the bigger picture... It sounds like you have a different style of parenting than your MIL. The only reason you can't do those things is b/c you allow your son to occupy ALL of your time. There is a time & place for playpen time, crib time, bouncy seat etc... It would only bother me if he was crying the entire time when in those situations. Both of my kids were good at keeping themselves busy while in the crib or playpen, including biting the side of the crib - which, by the way is part of teething. As well, he shouldn't be occupying ALL of your time - it is not healthy for you or him. Until you teach him to entertain himself you will always have him at your side. I'm not saying you don't have a complaint, but don't shun her b/c she can get stuff done and you are unable to do the same thing. About the whining - you need to nip that in the bud now. I told my kids they weren't allowed to whine, yes even at 17 mos. - I always ignored and walked off when they started that. These kids test boundaries from day 1 and you have to teach them what will be allowed and what will not from day 1. If getting a nanny cam would make you feel better than by all means do it BUT do not ever let her know you did it. Of course you want to make sure of everything so if that is what it takes to ease your mind you should try it. Personally, if my husband told me to quit my job and stay home w/ the kids - I would do that! :)

I would maybe try a sound recorder first before investing in nanny cam. And no you should not feel bad about protecting your baby! He comes first before any MIL or Husband who isnt nuturing like a mother is. Time to stash the food in your car as much as can be. Turn down the hot water temp and leave a note as to what she can or cant have?

Lots of moms do all the same things she is doing and the kids are not neglected. I can do dishes, cook dinner, and take a shower too. It sounds like you are mad that she is eating food during the day.

Perhaps it's not the way you intended it. So what if she eats your food. She is coming to your house and living, giving up her life for 2 days a week, for over a year. She must love your son a great deal to give up so much.

I think you need to stay at home and take care of your own child. You are lucky she is still alive and cares enough to come and spend this time with your family.

I think your husband's answer to your genuine concern was wrong. If he would truly prefer you to be home (and you would like to be, too), then crunch the numbers and see if it would work.

You might consider a nanny cam to see how long he cries in his crib, for example. If you don't want her to eat the food, buy it later in the week when she's not there.

If it's truly not working for you anymore, then look into daycares that might offer you a PT slot (usually shared with another PT kid).

I'd personally be more irritated that she brings all this "work" along when she is supposed to be "working" for you. I get an errand or two but it's like she plans this time to do other things instead of taking her JOB seriously and doing the JOB first. If she has down-time, great. Is she using your house because she doesn't want to pay the bill herself (phone)? I'd expect her to need to eat and need to shower. But the bills and calls?

I guess you'll need to trust her if she's going to continue watching him - although I think it's bs she takes money from you. It's her grandson! Guess I'm just used to something different. Anyway if he's happy and she's watching him and he's not in any danger or anything, you certainly couldn't get cheaper childcare. My guess is she's letting him watch some kind of tv or video in order to get her bills done.

And it might sound petty, but hide your good food!!! I totally would. You're paying her to be there and she's eating all of your good food. I mean I understand her snacking or making herself a sandwich or something but she shouldn't be cleaning you out. I'd be embarrassed if I were her.

Definitely get a Nanny cam... a few if possible. One for the bedroom, one for living room and one for the kitchen/dining. You won't know for sure unless you do this and the possibility of "what if" will really bother you. You do not have to tell her you have them, nor do you have to share everything you found out by them. But you can decide whether to keep her coming by watching what goes on over the course of a month or two.

If you are paying her to watch your child... that should come first - her personal life for 2 days should not. You should also feel free to tell her what she can and cannot eat in your home. If some thing are really eaten so quickly by MIL, hide them.

As an aside... I would LOVE the opportunity to be a SAHM - but my income as a Nurse is the only stable income we have. When I have #2 in July... I can probably stretch out staying home until September before I'd really HAVE to return to work.

I think you need to fallow you intuition. if you feel like something is wrong, you are probably right. I love being a stay at home mom, but i know it isn't right for everyone. my husband and i make a lot of financial sacrifices for me to stay home, but i feel it is worth it especially when they aren't verbal yet. I might try having a baby sitter or friend take your baby for a week or 2 and see what is is like with different care.
you could also find a good daycare for 40-50$ a day and leave your mother in law completely out.
good luck , best wishes

LOL, I knew the moment I read the last sentence you kicked the hornet's nest. I won't bother reading their comments. LOL.

But if you are finding bite marks around the crib, obviously something IS happening. Sorry, but if you're child is a handful, don't expect MIL have the energy, patience, and plan to keep him entertained daily. Put him in school those couple of days, or work part-time. By the way, I think her helping out and spending the night is "selfless. Perhaps you didn't communicate your expectations clearly, and also it would help to bring your concerns to her attention sooner rather than later. Unfortunately your husband is going to be a tough sell where his mother is concerned. Good luck!

Family & business don't mix.

You obviously new she was a selfish person from the get go, so why would you be surprised that this is going on & didn't have a plan B in place.

But to be honest I don't know why you think she is a selfish person with the things you mentioned like; paying her bills, showering, washes & dries her hair....seriously you sound silly.........so what you are saying is that since I have 3 kids, I should never shower or do my hair & let the bill collectors know that I have 3 kids so I'm not suppose to pay my bills

I am absolutely against you getting a nanny cam to spy on your MIL, she will one day find out & this will ruin your relationship with her then your husband will feel like he's in the middle.

Maybe your being the selfish one (not saying that to be mean) since your husband is telling you to quit your 2 day a week job so you don't have to worry or be upset anymore about his own mother!

It sounds kind of like you simply to do not like Mother in law even though you say you do. It also sounds like you are exactly the same way as I was while I was raising my children. I couldn't do my chores because I didn't do my chores not because I really couldn't. My baby was too precious and a little crying or whining might have caused me to go a running. Guilt guilt. Not so sure that was so great twenty something years later-I now no longer exist to them for the most part. Next the bite marks can happen when any child is teething. Finally the nanny cam? if you can't afford food, how do you afford that? And your husband told you you could stay home! ohmygosh, why dont you? Are you in a profession where you need certain hours?
Is your husband still alive? It looks like she must have done a good job with him or you wouldn't have married him. I think you should stay with your baby. And if you don't like MIL acknowledge that to yourself and come to terms with it instead of claiming that you do. Then get along. She really sounds generous. I am not sure I would drive that far away for forty dollars for two days.

Although I totally agree with you about the food thing because that is odd. My mother in law would bring all her own food over(probably salt and pepper too) wash my dishes do my laundry and make dinner! She is wonderful though and one of a kind! I have 3 kids and I can take a shower talk on the phone and do whatever else I need to. My baby is clingy but I manage to shower and get ready for the day when he is awake(thats what pac n plays are for) so when he naps I can do things like exercise or talk on the phone or just relax. I think your son knows he can get what he wants from you and he plays you like a fiddle Mama! He is your first. Maybe you should quit your job or put him in daycare so he can play with other kids. Hide your food if you know your MIL will eat it. Good luck!

.

all ages parent differently I am now 50 and was able do it all talk to her or hire a sitter will cost more

Why does she get things done, because he probably is much better
for her. You know kids, when Mom is around they become wingy whiney
little creatures. Mom leaves and they are a totally different child! She is
doing what you would do during a day, except for her it is easier because
he is easier. If you do not want her eating your good food don't buy it when
she is there.

I have 3 children: 2, 4, and 6. I know how hard it is with one child younger than 2 - especially your first.
I also now know that all of these things are possible to get done even with all 3 of my children at home. It just takes experience.
I think you're doing a great thing by spending every moment you can with your son. I think every first-time mom with one child does this. I also think she's doing a great thing by not spending every minute with him. He's learning a lot by both of these approaches.
Personally, I would just trust her. I've learned in my short 6 years of experience that mothers know a ton more than we do.
Good luck!

She watches your son twice a week only ... right? So why can't she do her bills and other personal things on her own time unless she does it when he is taking a nap. The bite marks on the crib is troubling. Have you asked her about that and/or showed her the bite marks? Does your MIL have a written guideline and/or routine that you have set up for her to follow? If not, perhaps you can set up a routine for her and your son while she is there twice a week. Write it up as a schedule with built in reading time, play time (sensory play, imaginative play, park time, free choice etc.) snack time, lunch time, nap time, etc. put it on a sheet with a comment section if she wants to add anything that happened during the day. Tell her you are trying something new and you'd really like her help. I did that for my lady that used to come in twice a week and it worked out great. I ended up tweaking some things but it worked out great and she had a break when my son was asleep which was usually 2 hours. Good luck!

If you really want to know you are going to have to either get a nanny cam or pop in unexpected and find out. Your other option is to talk to her and request that she not make her calls etc while she is watching your son (she could still bring them this her and do after you come home on Monday night). Maybe he doesn't interact with you the same as he does for her and she could be watching him play while she's paying bills etc. As long as he isn't "crying and upset" or left unsupervised that shouldn't be a problem. You do seem more upset that she is able to get more done while home with him then you can.

As for her eating your food, I would think that it would be expected that she would eat while she is there.

The only way to solve the situation completely is to hire someone else or stay home with your son.

You have it made! If you get the nanny cam, be sure to make note of her great skills of raising her grandson...sounds like you need help managing your time and priorities. As for the food, this is part of her salary. Quit your job, or quit being so petty.

You know when I think about it I am so glad I got this wifi camera thing when I did. You have all this stuff going on in life and putting extra worry on something that you shouldn’t have to is the last thing we need. I can watch my house, kids and property right from my iPhone and that gives me the greatest peace of mind. It will literally send me a text saying something is moving in your house and I can log on right away and see what’s going on- mostly just the kids playing. But you never know especially when you have a stranger watching over your kids. It eases you just seeing the person doing the right- not because they know they are being watched (because they don’t) because it’s the right thing to do. So I seriously suggest checking out this company Spycameras.com. Http:// bit.ly/pvq3oc
P.S. they are very well priced and all the setup and support is free. They literally connect to your computer to set it up.

I think this is the tricky part of paying family to babysit. If this was hired help, you could more than ask and expect that they would not bring their own stuff to do and arrived showered and ready to go. However, something tells me that your MIL is not doing this for the money but keep the child care in the family since that is the safest and best thing for your child. I imagine that she is in reality doing you a very big favor. I don't see that as selfish. She has dedicated this time to your family. She is committed to arrive by a certain time and stay for a certain time. Her style my not me your style. I think its rude you don't think her worthy to eat your "expensive" food when you ask so much her time. About the crib, this is the age where kids cut teeth on the edge of their crib. My crib is full of teeth marks and I didn't leave her in there awake for large periods of time. I think you should change your attitude to one of gratefulness that you get to keep child care in the family because that is in the best interest of your daughter. If i were your MIL and discovered that you got a nanny cam it would seriously destroy the relationship. I'm a big fan of discussing these thing in the open. Get your concerns out there on the table and talk it over with her. I agree with anther womans post that you are not likely to be content with the way another persons takes care of your child and you'd be smart to do it yourself.

oh sweetheart, just confront your husband and get through the process of finding a new sitter. Oh that's just so awful to hear for your baby. Maybe 'losing' your job might do it for the while you find someone new. oh your poor baby!

Check with La Leche League and Attachment Parenting International for papers & research on allowing babies to cry it out and the psychological damage it does, especially if you husband has reservations on backing you up on this.

<shudder> and you PAY her to do this...

good luck, Bless your little one,
M.

PS: and o my goodness I read some of the replies here - girl, you are NOT making a big deal out of nothing, this is your baby, your child, your flesh and blood. I can't making a judging comment about other people here, but girl, you stick to your guns and find someone else or just BE there for your baby.

Its obvious you don't trust or like your mother n law AT ALL. That truly is the bottom line. If you aren't happy with the care she is providing your child with, you need to either stay home or find another caregiver.

I understand where you come from. I had a rough time with my mom. I'll make this short, since we may not want to read an encyclopedia entry. My mom loved my son, but I always wondered how well she was taking care of my child. She didn't really care for herself that well. And, so you know, he also chewed his crib, so I knew she tried to have him "cry it out". She brought stuff to do and her own food to eat, but always sent her home with dinner, since she didn't mind last nights leftovers to heat for herself. But she always had a comment, about what we had/bought/did.'
She did her laundry and took a shower. I didn't mind, but i did mind her not asking/mentioning it AT ALL before doing it - I'm talking the first time she did it. Not every time.

My son is now 6, and my mom passed suddenly and unexpectedly when he was 2.5 yrs old. I am so happy I let her watch him.

I knew that having her spend time with my son was more important. If he wasn't cared for the way I did, I was happy his basic necessities were met and was really out of harms way. They were met, and he's not scarred in any way. I needed to look at the bigger picture. Just my 2 cents. Good luck.

I would talk to her. He is your son. Why not, I would ask her the same things you asked us. They should not be bite marks on the crib. :(

My daughter would chew on her crib when she is perfectly happy - she would wake up early (and silently) and we would come in to find her chewing on the crib. We all get unhappy with our child care providers, but maybe you should just come right out and ask how she manages to get it all done. Maybe one day you can stay home and "work" and keep an eye on the house and she how she handles herself and your son. Also, keep in mind that kids DO act differently around other people. She has had plenty of time to set up a routine for her and your son - maybe it is just different than yours and your son acts differently and expects different things.

Wow!!! I must say, it's nice to have your MIL come and watch him...BUT...Yeah, I don't think she is really watching or taking care of him. Have you ever heard of "Nanny-cam"? Ok, Ok, maybe i'm taking this alittle too far! lol. But I seriously don't blame you! If your at work you need to be assured that your child is getting the proper care! And I also agree with you, how in the heck is she able to get all those things accomplished while watching him??? I would love to know her "secret" without "neglecting" the child? I'm constantly running trying to get things accomplished and yet I find myslef doing laundry around midnight!
I am only going to tell you one thing, If your gut feeling is telling you that your child is not being taken care of then you need to find a new babysitter hands down! And if your worried about your mother in law, tell her that you just signed him up in a daycare where he will be around other kid's and interact with them, I don't like to "lie" but with this exception, I would say it's ok to tell a "white-lie"! The things we sacrifice for the safety and well-being of our children.
How does your husband feel about this? Have you spoken to him about the whole situation? And how does he feel about his mother charging you to take care of her grandson? Hopefully everything works out for the best!

one word:
nannycam
why bother dwelling or being afraid of accusing her of improper care. not improper, but you know what i mean, not up to standard or what you expect from her. don't tell hubby or anyone. get a nannycam. install it. watch it one day then decide. i bet you, you will find your answer.

You could pay an nanny that and probably get better results. I can believe you are paying her. she is grandma. I know she may have to go tout of her way to get there, he is her grandson. My sister just moved up to alaska, she has a one year old. Both sets of grand parents go up there every month or they will make two weekend trips and go alone. I know that my BIL's mom gets up there for at least one weekend a month from utah. So, i just dont get how she would let you pay her. she sounds to like she may not be paying the best attention to him. maybe set up a list of things you want her to do with him during the day. maybe find local mommy (or gma) and me classes. instead of paying her pay for those events. Maybe leave notes about library read alouds. and it can be as simple as explaining to her that you want her to get out and do some gma activities with him. That now is is coming on spring and he needs to get out an socialize. This may help put off any hard feelings or disgust. I would also speak with your hubby see how he feels and what he thinks is a good plan. go into together. you guys are teammates!! even if it is his mama. Its your baby too!!

I think its best something be said to her maybe not a hard blunt conversation but get ball rolling on ideas. have her throw somethings out there too. I went back and saw you did put in that your hub has stuck his foot in the hot water,so to speak. he has to do more. feeling her out is not enough. Its his mom he isnt probing hard enough i think.

good luck...keep us posted

-Libby

Get the nanny cam....set it up in your son's room. Then you'll be able to see what goes on. Better to approach things with knowledge than just try to guess. If she is ignoring your son, then you can show this to your husband (or not) and make other arrangements for child care. It won't be easy unless your husband is strong enough to stand up to his mom. Oh, do your grocery shopping on Wednesday...have only enough to "carry" mom while she is at your home. Prepackage and mark your office meals so that she can't eat those without knowing she is taking your specific food. It won't be easy to try to straighten this out, but your son is worth it. Good Luck, I.

$40 per day? That basically covers her driving expense. Previous generations definitely got things done while their little ones were growing up. It doesn't mean that she is selfish or ignoring your son - it means she has some healthy boundaries. Your son has figured out that if he whines and tugs on you he gets what he wants - your undivided attention. It doesn't follow that he is whining and tugging your MIL and being shunted off to his crib to cry and chew. She has most likely done what she did with her own children - had times for play and times when she let him amuse himself. It is totally reasonable for her to eat what is in the house.

It is a big job learning to be a mom - it is a profession - how to run the home and raise children - training them from egocentrics to thoughtful, patient adults who care about others.

I have three children and it took me time to learn to manage the house (cook, shop, clean), make time for playdates (so I could have coffee with other moms while the kids learned to play together), etc. But it can be done and has been done for millenia.

Instead of thinking the MIL is horrid, try looking at it from the standpoint of learning from her - how does she do that? I think then you will be able to enjoy her more.

The chewing on the crib rail is a biggg sign of Cry It Out. Look, you pay her to watch your son. He should be her 1st priority during that time. It's only two days a week, she shouldn't be bringing anything with her to do except stuff to do WITH her grandson. The eating all your pricey food is just selfish and rude. If she can't treat you and your son with respect, she shouldn't be his part-time caregiver. I'd make new arrangements right now. Look for Mother's Day Out programs in your area or see if day cares nearby do part-time programs (which some do but not all). Tell her and your husband that your son is getting older and he needs peer socialization (which isn't a lie, all children need to spend times with kids their age!) and this is why you're changing things. I wouldn't bring up anything else because you're not trying to make a fuss with the family, just make sure your son is well-cared for.

I think you should just have a talk to her.But make sure it doesn't come across as a personal attack.Tell her you really appreciate her coming to watch him and are so thankful to have her vs. putting him in daycare.But you were wandering how she does it all!Tell her he is so active when in your care and you were curious what their routine is like during the day and what kinds of things they do.Ask her how long of naps he's taking for her.
I wouldn't worry about it too much,unless you think she's putting him in danger (ex:not supervising him well.) I couldn't imagine any loving Grandma just letting their Grandchild scream in their crib!
Do you think she would be willing to take less money? Yes she is doing you a favor but as you said,she is using your food,etc...and I am sure you are considering that she's making the drive.
If the food thing is bothering you that bad,talk to her about it.Maybe let her know when she gets there what she may help herself to and what things you bought for just you.I think the bottom line is you need to make a decision of how bad the situation is.Is it bad enough to get a different sitter or quit or job? Or are the pet peeve things you can move past? IF you get a different sitter you need to be careful how you go about it.Make sure that you make it about your Son and not that she's doing a bad job. I would tell her something like. We decided he was to the age he needed to be around other children and have a daily schedule and activities.It's absolutely nothing personal towards you!And then maybe put him in daycare 2 days a week.

If you think that is going on, buy a Nanny Cam. Just because she is your MIL doesn't mean she's doing what is best for your son.

And just s side note, $40 per day, plus the time and gas it takes to get to you is NOTHING. I understand not wanting someone outside the family to provide child care, but it may be worth the extra expense.

And I am not judging...I am in a similar situation!

Sounds to me like your mother in law has a system that works for her. I have had as many as 8 children in my home at a time and had time to take a shower, do the bills, dry my hair etc. It sounds a little like your son knows that he can whine and hang on you and you will stop everything and pick him up. I am not saying you doing it is wrong. just that it is not the only way to do it. It is not ok for your mother in law to eat your expensive stuff. But have you asked her not to? Maybe she doesn't realize that these are special things. Maybe you need to get a bin to lock them in while she is there? A nanny cam might ease your mind. But wanted to mention that a baby will chew on the crib without screaming. Mine all did it. just like a puppy any and everything is fair game for chewing lol. I think you need to take into account the fact that she is coming a fair distance to work for you for a really small amount of money. If you were taking him to a daycare it would cost you a lot more. and he would be exposed to other kids germs etc. just something to think about.

If you think he's just sitting in his crib crying all day, then by all means, either get rid of her or quit your job and stay home. However if you TRULY felt that was going on, I don't think you would ask her to keep coming back. I am able to get things done around the house with the kids sometimes. Not always, but sometimes. And you have to remember that kids behave differently for other people. My kids behave better for babysitters, yet when I'm around, they nag me and want ALL of my attention. This could be why she's able to get things done...maybe he's entertaining himself a little bit for her.

I think you're really just annoyed with the food thing, which is understandable, but that comes with the territory when you have someone in your home, watching your child. In my personal opinion, I think you should be thankful you've got a family member willing to watch him for you. I don't think she'd ever harm him, and it's rare to find good childcare like that. If you had an actual nanny or put him in daycare, good childcare is not guaranteed.

I know how frustrating it must be to know that she's able to get all of her things done while watching your son and you are not - the BIG difference there is - she has already raised her kids and knows the 'ins and outs' of raising children. If this is your first child - I know that you want to give him all the attention he deserves - however - you do need to get stuff done as well - letting him 'cry it out' is not the worst thing that could happen - him chewing on his crib is not good either.

Just a little background on me - between myself and my 2 siblings - there are 7 kids - I've taken care of each one of them - babysitting and what not - I've learned - they CAN cry - and you CAN get stuff done with them crying - its a matter of wanting to let them cry and you blocking it out for a minute or two while you get done what you have to get done - and this is probably what you MIL is doing as well.

Are you able to suggest to her to bring her OWN lunch instead of 'eating you out of house and home'? I mean its like she's going to work for the day - and wouldn't she need to pack her own lunch if she was going to work?

I highly doubt your MIL would do anything to put your son in harm's way - no matter how selfish you think she is.

and it just puzzles me as to why she is showering at your house - doesn't she have a bathroom at HER house? LOL (sorry just puzzling to me)

As for the nanny cam - do you really want to see the results? would this really put your mind at ease if she's not caring for him in the manner that YOU see fit? I do understand that he is YOUR son and not hers - but you've left her to care for him in your absence. What would you do with the results - confront her?

I hope all works out for you - however I think that you should just sit and talk with your MIL about your feelings and perhaps suggest she bring her own lunch to 'work'.

I would def get a nanny cam to check things out and I don't think your a bad person, even if she is your mil. Hey not all mil's are that great.

If you really don't want to leave your job despite your husband's consent, that's your choice, but if you stayed home, you could discipline him and get him used to the routine. I have to do all of our household stuff and my personal stuff and work PT from home with 3 under 5 and the husband always travels. It took work and discipline to get he kids to comply, but I've been able to do whatever I need to for a couple of years-except super creative things that need silence and concentration of course. For that I get up super early or stay up super late so they're asleep. And yeah, we're on a tight shoestring budget-part of my bill paying challenges every month-but that was my choice.

Your MIL is costing you way over $100/week with groceries! You could have an A+ daycare for that.

I don't think you can turn the tides now in the MIL. It would be one thing for her to eat a lot if you weren't paying her, but you can't exactly stop paying her. She's sort of got the "relative AND caregiver" advantages all rolled up into one, and you're right, she's neglecting your son and doing her own thing. But you cant' make her confess or force her to behave.

Search deep in your heart and figure out what to do. This is a critical formative age for your son if you stayed home it would be great. OR, if you pay a different caregiver it will save you grocery money. We have a great all day daycare that is $36 per day I used to use twice a week when I had one child and worked more hours.

I don't know why people are so mean with their answers! I feel for you. People are so quick to judge and use their personal experiences as THE TRUTH...very annoying to say the least.

Get the nanny cam for peace of mind--just make sure it's hidden. Get your answers, then get rid of it.

Would the nanny cam give you peace of mind? Is it enough peace of mind that it is worth the potential for problems if it is found? It is hard to say if it is a "problem" your MIL is doing things differently since it ti pretty subjective. My mom watches my kids sometimes and while we mostly we agree on parenting issues (she taught parenting classes for years) she does have a different style and my one problem is that she can't seem to get the kids in bed on time. On the other hand my very demanding 5 year old gets great one on one attention from her. Sometimes with family you accept the drawbacks as well as the advantages because it is a package deal. If your MIL as childcare isn't working anymore for you, find other childcare (which will probably have it's own set of pros and cons).

I can totally understand why you might want to keep working and get a break from being mom 24/7. I've been a SAHM for 5 years and sometimes you need a break to keep your sanity. If working gives you a break from parenting and earns a bit of money as well it makes sense.

I think your best long term answer is getting you son ready for preschool with activities like story hour or a mommy and me class. In my area (northern NJ) the best inexpensive activities are the library story hour and playgroup which are free and the YMCA activities that are not very expensive (about $65-75 for a 6 weeks session of weekly classes). Picking one for a day your MIL is there may help. I know a lot of people believe being a full time SAHM is best. But studies show that good quality childcare is helpful in getting kids ready for school. Transitioning you son to a preschool style daycare between ages 2 and 3 is one solution.

First of all, I do not think you're a terrible person! I totally understand your frustration.

I would NOT get the nanny cam! Oh, the family saga that could result!!

Maybe stop keeping the expensive food in the house? Also, keep in mind that you're only paying $40/day to have a someone you trust and who loves your child. I have to pay my sitter a lot more than that.

Do not quit your job, if you like it. I know that, for me, having time outside the home and away from my kids is a lifesaver! Do you have the kind of job where you can pay some bills and make some phone calls there? Maybe at lunch, or before or after your actual hours?

Best wishes to you!

Teach your baby to play even for 15 minutes at a time on his own. Amazing what you can get done in 15 minutes off and on during the day.

I would only do the nanny cam if you were sure your MIL would never figure it out and I would NEVER tell her you did it. That could damage your relationship permanently.

Find a new babysitter that will help you relax, or get work from home and ask your MIL just to come for 3-4 hours while you work. It's obvious you need a new situation because it doesn't matter whether your MIL sounds trustworthy or not to us. Your gut is the one that matters.

I was always amazed at what my MIL could get done when she was watching my twins.she has a different approach and a different relationship with them, and she had a system that worked for her (and them). It is only two days a week -- I would think that, if your son is having more independent time or whatever during those days, that's fine. It is not like this is his every day experience. As for the crib chewing, that is common among teething kids -- doesn't mean he is being neglected.

Try to trust. Good luck!

Questions... how do you know he is left in his crib to cry? Do you expect her to eat? Do you expect her to shower? How do you know she spends large amounts of time on the phone? Why should your son have your attention 100% of the time ( I don't think that is healthy)? How do you know how long he naps for her?

I have had a home daycare for 17 years now, and many parents say their chidlren are so different for me than at home (usually in a good way). I don't give them 100% of my attention, I do have to change other diapers, hold and hug each child for part of the day, get lunch/supper/snacks ready while the kids play. They almost always nap much longer for me than at home, often an hour more here than home, and no, they are not left in a crib to cry themselves to sleep, they just wear themselves our more and naturally sleep longer. As for paying bills, really, how long does it take?? I can go online, log into my bank account and pay a few bills in less than 5 minutes, no big deal. Perhaps she does this while he is playing or napping, or maybe you have a faster computer to do it on. How do you think single moms get stuff done, or moms whose husbands are deployed or work long hours? If you don't want her to eat the expensive food, hide some or buy enough to last until she is back. Have you ever asked her what she would like to eat? After all, she stays there for 2 days and needs to eat something, it would be nice if she had something she likes.

Honestly, I don't think you are doing your son any favors by giving him all your attention. You are teaching him that whining really does work! For most of us, whiny children are very annoying, kids in my daycare know I love them, but won't listen to whining. You need some time for you and hubby, and you need some time to yourself to relax, you will be a better mom and wife if you take care of yourself and your marriage. I wouldn't do a nanny cam, I feel they are an invasion of privacy, especially since you have family watching your son. But by all means, drop in during the day for a surprise visit, I am confident you will be pleasantly surprised with a little boy that can play and be happy doing it wthout total 1 on 1 attention.

Always go with your gut, if you feel something is not right, you're prob right.
If you find something you don't like on the nanny cam, how would you handle it? Could you find a babysitter for one of the days she watches your son? Maybe just have your MIL watch him 1 day a wk? I'm sure she is not hurting your child in any way, but I totally understand the situation. You'd rather her be excited and enjoying the time with her grandson, than being on the phone, or doing busy things.
Good luck!