I NEED Your Help/Advice - PLEASE!!

I subscribe to a daily email newsletter called The Daily Groove and it helps me work on keeping my cool and letting go when I get angry. I highly recommend it.

I don't know the whole situation with you, but for me I got to that point to. I work fulltime M-F. And there is SOOO much work to be done at home. I got to my breaking point and finally went to the doctor, when I couldn't help but yell at them over the slightest thing. I was on the floor physically holding down my daughter to get her shoes on because she didnt want to wear them and I was late for work. I was screaming, she was screaming and my 9 month old started crying (like he was scared). Not my proudest moment. I knew I had to do something. I went the doctor and they ran every blood test they could (to check everything). Come to find out I have Grave's Disease (hyper-thyroid). All of the symtoms I was having (that seemed completely unrelated) we all signed of this disease. I was given an sleep aid (to relaz me, not knock me out) and a medication to slow my thyroid down. It was the best thing that ever happened (since my babies of course). I was me again. Not that I dont get frustrated, but I feel like a normal working mom now, not a crazy one.
I am not saying that just because you feel out of control that there is something medically wrong with you, but start there. Find out for sure that everything medically is fine, then go from there. If you are taking too much time cleaning and cooking, cut back a little. Have peanut butter sandwhichs on the floor once a week if the kitchen is a mess. Ask Dad (if there is one in the picture) to take up a little of the slack once or twice a week so you can spend time with the kids (teaching them to put lip gloss on their lips :)). Also, we hired a cleaning lady once a week. She comes on Friday and cleans so I have my whole weekend with the kids spending quality time. It's not as expensive as you would think. We cancelled our house phone, stopped getting espresso every other day (only once on Sat), changed our cable package, etc...and found the $40.00 a week for it. It was a complete blessing!
I really hope I have offered a few ideas, or at least you know you aren't the only mommy out there that wishes she wouldn't yell as much. I swore I wouldn't yell at my kids like my mom did to us. I try really hard to make that happen, but its not easy and i don't always succeed either.

I was just reading the other posts and it reminded me of something also...I have my daughter an extra "Mommy's calm voice" to keep in her pocket. Its invisable, but she always has it. When I lose my temper, she pulls it out and gives it to me. It is shamfull and embarrasing, but it reminds me to check my temper...this is a spin off of her "good attitude" that mommy keeps in her pocket, for when they are extra grumpy.

I had the same problem. I would go to bed every night so upset with myself because when I looked back over my day, I hated how I had interacted with my kids (not talking physical violence, just short temper and yelling). The littlest thing would frustrate me, and frustration quickly turned to anger. Even something as small as a jerk at the grocery store, or an inconsiderate person in traffic would set me in an angry frustrated mood for the next hour. I was a SAHM, so I didn't have work or too much to do to blame. I went to the dr and told him my anger was getting out of control and I am too hard on my kids. Even in the moment I know I am getting mad over stupid stuff, but can't stop. He said that is one of the signs of depression. I am not "depressed", or sad, don't sleep too much or too little, don't eat too much or too little, etc, so that was not on my radar. I tried the antidepressants though, and they actually made a HUGE difference! I am sane, relaxed, and rational. I no longer lay in bed thinking what a mean mom I am and how I yell way too much. The only time my short temper is a problem now is when I decide that I can go off the meds since I have done so well for so long. I have even had family members (who didn't know I quit taking them) ask me if everything was alright because I had progressively turned short tempered and yell at the kids over every little thing.

Just something to look in to...

You sound burnt-out... and need some respite.
Does your Hubby help you? I mean, with the household, the kids, chores, anything....
it is really imperative.
And well, your kids can do chores too.
Don't expect "perfection" from them when they do it, the main point is, that they "try their best" and help.... per their age set.

Also, just get away... have some "me" time. Schedule it in, literally, into your calendar... and tell your Hubby. Then he can babysit....

I get like that sometimes too... but it is usually, and I know myself pretty well... but it happens at these times:
1) PMS'ing
2) When I feel just burnt-out and have had no 'me' time...
3) When I am getting NO appreciation and am treated like a "maid" and that NOTHING I do... (for everyone), matters.

You are not alone.

Hugs.

Don't take out things on your kids... try your best, too. Just as you'd expect from them. BUT allow for being just human. NOT 'Superwoman."
When I am in a 'bad' mood... I say it, calmly... as a head's up.... to my kids.... and I TELL them, it is NOT their "fault" that Mommy is just irritable... and I even will APOLOGIZE TO THEM.... it is real important. Kids get affected by grumpy Mommy's.
T.R.Y to contain it.... but if you can't, what I do is, I take MYSELF away from the room where everyone is... and I tell them "Mommy needs a breather.... okay? I'm going to the next room for a few minutes." Then I just veg and breathe deep.
Just as "we" expect our kids to be "pleasant" and not have "tantrums"..... we have to try too. It doesn't matter what age we are... but how we cope.
And show respect to our kids, DESPITE our occasional moodiness or cranky moods....

All the best,
Susan

Ditto, S H. Excellent post.

You need a break. You have people making demands of you 24 hours and that's enough to wear anyone down.

Find something you enjoy, and then find the time. It's going to be hard at first, but the benefits will pay off in the long run. It doesn't have to be anything drastic, like just taking a fifteen minute walk in the evening. ALONE!!! Something simple for yourself. When I find myself screeching at the kids for little things, that's usually my cue that I need some time off.

You aren't a mean mom. You are a normal mom!

OMG!! I have these exact same feelings and feel guilt all the time and see other moms being so sweet to their kids and think "wow, I bet they never do that", but they do....you are not alone. I honestly don't have an answer, but I am in a similiar boat with the working full time, taking care of the house, etc and recently I have discovered that I have been working out in the evenings after the kids go to bed and I have not been as stressed out and yelling as much...not sure if it is a correlation but worth a shot if you can find the time. Good luck, and remember, we ALL go through this exact same thing!!

Best advice someone gave me when I had the same feelings was to:
1. Pick your battles... really ask yourself if it's worth getting yourself in a tizzy
2. Remove yourself from the situation.
I have also instituted mommy-time (bathtub, glass of wine, good book, Josh Groban on the CD player, er I mean iPod). The house now understands that if momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy. It was still tough (yes, I have envisioned pushing someone in the wall) but realizing that it wasn't a big deal in the long run helped me let go and not get so worked up.

I wish you peace!

Especially since losing my 5 year old nephew last month in a very sudden, tragic way, my thinking about my own kids has changed. I TRY not to sweat the small stuff. Don't get me wrong, we all have our days, but having such a loss changes things. Today, my 2 year old walked across the carpet to show me that she had spilled her chocolate pudding all over her foot. I about screamed, but it was an accident and she didn't know any better.
I just smiled, cleaned it up, and tickled her and laughed.
Don't feel bad. ALL parents have bad days and sometimes need to recharge.

Everyone feels like that from time to time. Allow yourself 10-15 mins to "shift gears" when you get home from work. Hug your kids close when you feel like you're going to get angry. Don't sweat the small stuff--and it's 99% small stuff! :-)

This is a tough one because your first inclination is to do the wrong thing...to get angry and scream. Don't feel bad...it happens, you are only human and can only handle so much nonsense, but you are right, they are only kids. What I do is take a time out. I go into either the bathroom or bedroom, calm down and count to 50. Once I'm composed and back in control, I come out and deal with the issue. Your daughters are old enough to face consequences. If they made a mess, I would have them help me clean it up. The learn a lesson and the most important thing is that you don't feel guilty:)

M.

STOP, exit the scene for a minute or two if at all possible and if you can't, count and BREATHE a few deep breaths. We are the adults and it is our job to control ourselves and to model that for our kids. I tell my son what I'm doing, "I'm feeling really mad and I need a time out." Anyway, it takes practice but I've gotten better and my son helps me to remember, tells me to stop and breathe (how cute is that for a toddler!). In the moment I take to collect myself, I also remind myself of my priorities. Things that are broken or muddied don't matter so much, really. Kids are supposed to experiment and test things, that's their job. Anyway, I try to talk to him about it AFTER I've calmed down, and that works really well, especially so we can talk about what we both did right and wrong, and try to plan differently for next time. I use a "Positive Discipline" approach and it is wonderful. Good luck, I hope you find something that works for you all!

Alot of great responses. I'm so glad you had the courage to ask this question, as I have felt guilty about getting angry at my kids so easily as well. Glad to know we are not alone. I think I need more mommy time, too. Best wishes!

I so hear you...it's hard to be a mom, especially if you work full time. I am also short-tempered with my son and I feel horrible when it happens. My husband gave me the best advice, "remember, you are the grown up." Sometimes, I think that I expect too much of my son. Lower your expectations and focus on the positive. For example, is it really the end of the world if there are muddy shoes in the house? Let your child know that shoes need to come off when they come inside (make this a house rule) and if they make a mess, enlist their help in cleaning up. Explain that when they do this, it makes extra work for you and takes time you would be spending with them, so they see the natural consequences of their actions.

There is a book out there my friend has recommended to me, which I haven't read yet, but she loves, called "Scream Free Parenting." You might take a look at that.

You're human, this is normal and parenting is SO HARD. At least you recognize that you might be over-reacting. Now's the time to start doing something about it. Oh, and also, if you have over-reacted, apologize to your children. I can tell you firsthand that will go a long way with your kids.

I think a lot of the responses already are great. There are some folks in there area that teach forms of non-violent communciation and books you can pick up on this parenting style that might help you (just google it).

Be sure you are getting your own down time/relax time and taking care of yourself and if that doesn't do it - get more help in whatever ways you need.

We all learned from our parents and our kids will learn from us. If we yell, they will yell back. It is soo hard. My 4 year old frustrates me to no end. She seems so grown up yet there she is on the floor like my 8 month old in a fit. But then I'm reminded that is is 4 not 40. So when I get to hot I let dh step in and when he gets to hot I send him away too. You have to - or you'll just blow up :)

i wanted to add that i felt much better after i got my iron levels and started taking thyroid medication. i suffer from daily/constant headaches and with the combination of all these factors, i just couldn't take any more stress. put PMS on top of that and i felt rage for stupid reasons. now that i don't feel so tired anymore, i can deal with the stupid stuff without flying off the handle.

this is just to say that it's not always completely about not having enough time for you, but that your body may be depleted too, which only makes it worse.

wishing you the best.

We all get frustrated. It is the hardest job to be a parent...I find that I have to let go of the POWER struggle.. Don't make it about you wanting them to listen to you because you are the parent and that is the way the law is made. Pick your battles! Kids will have accidents, they will make your house a complete disaster, they will break your furniture, they will try your patience.. This is how, we as parents, learn and grow to be better parents and people. Just the other day I took my 3 yr old son to get his hair cut. The stylist was so so patient and good with him but before she could complete the cut, he was done!! I was totally cool with that and she was so nervous.. Are you sure? She said.. I told her it looks great, it is short and that was good with me.. She told me I was the ONLY parent who ever said that to her! Really? The hair grows back, if the boy is done, he is done. It is okay....Life is great!!