I Need to Be in Control When It Comes to My Children.

I think we all feel like this to some extent. But if your anxiety is making you miserable or driving a wedge b/t you and your husband, MIL, or friends -- it's time to get help. Maybe you just need to talk about your fears. Maybe you need medication. I don't know. But you should probably talk to a counselor. You're in danger of sucking all the fun and joy out of parenthood. You will remember these precious years only as stressful and unhappy. Your children will remember you only as angry and miserable. Change this before it affects them! Good luck.

Good Morning B., I am not sure this will help you in the least but Lighten up Babe.. I mean really, babies are sweet cuddly, smell wonderful and melt our hearts.

You are driving your self crazy. I have had low self esteem issues my whole life too, but I am one that goes with the flow if there isn't something telling me it's wrong. Yeah there are some things I want control over one is my office here & our kitchen. Sweetie (hubby) DO not come in here and start throw my papers or things away.. I will hurt ya honey!! He threw away a new pair to tennys once because they were muddy and left out on the patio. Thought they were old. Hummm In the kitchen I have things where they are convenient for me, I don't want to have to ask where he put something or look all over for it...lol He has learned though to ask if he doesn't know where ti belongs.

I would let your MIL watch your son B., the only reason my MIL didn't was she said she just wasn't up to it.. I didn't want her to think I was only allowing my family to watch our children. We could afford our first paid sitter when the boys were like 6-8 yrs old. Until then my folks watched him. Things were different when our boys were young, we didn't worry about so many things. Germs, food, car seats etc...

Please allow your Mother in law to watch your little one and have a good time with your wonderful husband. Know that he is in good hands and loved almost as much as you. No one can love a child as much as a Mom but Gr ma's sure come close.

God Bless you B., Take a deep breath and let it out slowly and let a few things slide..
K. Nana of 5

Hi B.,
I'm going to tell you a story that might freak you out, but could bring freedom.
When my oldest (now seven) was crawling, so around 9 months, we went to visit a friend for dinner. He was playing in the play room, a supposedly safe place, but when I looked in I didn't see him. What I saw was thier baby about to crawl out of a window. The mom had forgotten that the window was opened behind the closed shudders.
One of the dads ran out side and found Harper in the window box (he'd gone around a window that opened out), about six or seven feet off the ground. The dad was able to lift him out and bring him safely in.
At that point I realized that if God was not the one who protected my children, there wasn't anything I could do. We can't be everywhere all the time, but He is. I have three boys (7, 4, and 2 1/2) and we've never been to the emergency room for an accident. (We have called poison control a time or two.)
You're a better mommy when you get a break. And your husband needs you to be a companion to him, not just the mother of his children. You said that you go to church. I know if you trust God He won't let you down.

I agree with a lot of the other responders about losening up a little. I have to tell you I have the opposite situation. I am the laid back one and my husband is the uptight and controling peron that it has caused a huge stress and hardship on our marriage. He too sees the problem and has made small improvements but so far it is not enough. I am at my wits end with him and starting to feel him and I will not make it. He to is a christian plus myself but we have not been following God's plan. Seek therepy and your husband should seek therephy himself. I came to the conclusion I can't do this on my own and God has shown the way for help and I am not going to ignore it. Hang in there and for your husband too and if you pray and do some deep breathing it could help.

He is 10 weeks old!! You are not crazy, and shame on your husband for trying to make you feel that way. What is wrong with people these days? Doesn't anyone respect the relationship between mommies and babies anymore? Don't let your MIL watch him if you don't want to; he's so young. Don't let people hold him if you don't want to; he is at high risk for germs. There is also nothing wrong with asking people to wash their hands right there in front of you before they hold him. I don't let anyone but my husband watch my kids until they are at least 5-6 months old, and even then, I try to put them down for a nap and just have the helper (always my mom or sister, anyway) just hang out while they sleep. Nursing is easier than pumping to bottle feed, hands down, and having a 10 week old baby nurse EVEN MORE than he already needs to will exhaust you.

Tell your husband the two of you can go somewhere and take the baby. Or rent a movie and pick up some carry out and stay in. It's important to have alone time, but the baby is too young to leave. Good luck.

I don't know what church you go to, but if you are a Christian, you must know that you must let go and trust God to be in control. If you believe the Bible, remind yourself that all things work together for the good for those who love the Lord.
He loves those kids much more than you ever could (and He loves you that way too).
He has a plan for them (and you) that is far better than anything you could imagine.
To worry is to not trust Him. To not trust Him is to not believe. To not believe is saying He is a liar.
Ever thought about it like that ?

I struggle with control issues too, but I have lightened up A LOT since I realized these things.
Also, it helps to remember that not one of us is going to leave this planet one minute before or one minute after our appointed time.

That having been said ..... so what if they get sick now and then ? We all do. They'll be OK.

Beyond the Christian part of it ...... I have this to tell you, (now that my kids are grown up adults) if you don't lighten up, those kids are going to grow to hate you. Harsh, I know, but true.
Allow them to experience life, complete with it's ups and down, and to experience it with others who love them too (grandparents, friends at church, etc.)
They will be much healthier, more well rounded people, and they will rise up and call you "blessed" rather than plot to get away from you forever.
Please, do as I say and not as I did, so you won't have to find these things out the hard way.

I think honestly you need to go and talk to your doctor. I know your youngest is still pretty little, but you have been there and done this once before; you know they can withstand a lot! It sounds to me like you are anxious, to the point of interfering with your joy in life. Especially when you know the people are capable and you trust them; your paranoia is getting the best of you.

After having children our chemicals get all goofy. I would not be shocked to learn yours had gone a bit haywire. Mine did and not until the 4th kiddo!

As a parent, you see the scary stuff, and it will make you scared for your own children. But you also must realize that if they are not exposed to things that help their immune system practice fighting off ick, then when the bad stuff comes along it will be a much harder fight, along with being more vulnerable to the little stuff! You are breastfeeding, which will help more than anything else you can do.

Seriously, if your husband is telling you and you are feeling like it is not a good balance, you need to talk to your doctor. It could very easily be a chemical imbalance...which does NOT mean you will suddenly turn into a person who does not care and is on the other end of the spectrum. Don't forget that! The goal is to find a balance where you and your family are comfortable....not stepping out of the picture totally.

Good luck!
A.

As much as I love my son and want to protect him from all the germs and unknowns in the world... (I am a firm believer in soap and water and cleanliness.) But I do not share the same views as you. I have seen my aunts (my cousins are still young) who were/are germ-o-phobic go through dozens of wipes in a single situation and gallons of anti-sanitizer... and their kids are always sick. I am a big believer that the more you try to protect them in some ways the opposite effect it has and in-fact your kids will take their lead from you. If you have a fear of dirt, so will they or they can go to the opposite extreme.

We have not left our son with anyone other than family either. But he has stayed with a few persons, including my mother, father, my hubby's parents and a cousin of mine (who also has a little boy). If you are leaving your son with a family member for a few hours you can give them impressions of how you operate - but there is little to worry about if they love your little guys as much as you. Of course, I would rather leave my son with my mom because, like you, she is more like me in that she doesn't let him get away with anything and feeds him balanced meals - but it isn't fair of me not to let my dad have alone bonding time with him if my mom gets that. Your hubby might feel that it is a matter of giving each grandparent an equal opportunity to bond with your kids.

This might not be helpful. But I don't think it is healthy to work yourself up over certain things. Stress is hard on the body and mind. I am not a doctor, but reading your request it sounds like this is a tough subject for you. It might help to talk to someone you trust like a friend or therapist. I am not saying that you are a bad parent or person. In fact I have a good friend who (i think) sounds a lot like you. I don't completely understand your thinking, but I had a different upbringing than you.

I don't think you have to change, but you wouldn't want to cause conflict with your husband either. I'm sure there are some compromises you can come to together. My husband and I make a point to discuss how we want to handle our kids in different situations, do you keep the communication channels open between the two of you? The hardest thing for me is to stay open minded to some of my husband's views... but that's marriage. Good Luck!

sound like you need to pray, relax, and put your children in the Lord's hands. God gives us these special gifts (children) to take care of for a season. We don't know the day or hour that we will no longer be here but God knows and he has a plan for each of our lives including your children. If we live in fear all the time then we miss out of a lot in life. Give that fear to God and he will take care of everything. He has those little ones in his hands and he gives them to us to love and take care of as part of our life's journey.

Embrace life and all the things you are blessed with and don't stress out on the small things.

If you keep trying to wrap the kids in a caccoon what is going to happen to them when they reach school age they will definetly be exposed to lots of different things, I understand your concern but the kids could very well catch some germ that either you or your husband brings in the door from just being outside. To clean I feel can be as bad. I hope this information helps some.

I think it is time for you to seek a doctors help. If you wait to much longer your anxiety will get worse and could cause problems for you, your children and especially your marriage.
I know you are a nurse, but we need some germs to fight off the germs we do get. My kids grew up in church and would only get sick once or twice a year and that was only when they were older. Hopefully your church cleans the toys, but most of the church workers won't show up to work if they are sick. Lighten up or your children will take their cue from you and will drive themselves and others crazy...think Monk..
Good luck and God Bless.

Your letter brought tears to my eyes, it reminds me so much of how I was with my kids as babies. I too breastfed and felt any seperations were just not worth the hassle. It's hard to understand unless you've been there and of course any man will never be in the kind of emotional place as a mother is. Yet, he loves you and wants some of your time and attention and long-term that is very important for your children and you. Having breaks from being mommy probably isn't very important to you right now, yet you can benefit from a full night's sleep and loving attention from hubby. At the same time your baby is learning to trust others and accept love offered in different ways. I can see now that, long term, it's good for many adults to have loving connections to your child - especially as they grow up. No one person can provide everything a child needs to succeed in life. I can relate about the germ concerns - ask dad to carry a small bottle of hand sanitizer and offer it for anyone to use before holding baby, explaining that the doctors recommend it for the baby's health. Who can deny the logic of that request? Another idea about pumping while away from baby - I tryed Medela pumps and Avent - the manual Avent pump worked best for me - mostly because it was quiet and discreet - I could watch tv or converse with hubby while pumping - and many men enjoy assisting with "milk removal", so enjoy yourselves and have a night off/away at least once a month. Good luck!

Hi B.,

I agree with everyone that said it's okay to worry about germs. He is still very young. I would have the hubby carry hand sanitizer for people to use before holding him. Or maybe just take him into church in his infant car seat? Tell people he's comfy in it and you don't want to take him out. I did that a lot when my son was so small.

It sounds to me like you have a bit of post partum depression. To be upset and crying about it is a pretty good sign. I was the same way with my son. Everyone said to go see someone about it--which you most definitely can. I did not do so. I didn't want to be on drugs and I knew that is what a doctor would do for me. Instead I wrote in a journal when I needed to work through emotions. It helped a lot. Eventually it just improved and went away completely.

Good luck to you. I would say try not to worry, but I know you will. You're a mommy! Try journaling. I will bet it will help you immensely!

Glad you realize that it is an issue that has to be dealt with. truly I'm the opposite most times except when it comes to strangers. That drove me nuts especially when they tried to touch my daughter. But you do have a good reason for not wanting to be away from your baby because of breastfeeding. But remember your husband is not going to let anything happen to your children. Also try to remind yourself that kids are tougher than they appear. My daughter is almost 2 and has only had two colds her entire life and we have three dogs.

Talk to your doctor you may need some extra help dealing with your emotions and it maybe you need some anxiety medicine. Or at least to be able to talk to a therapist about your feelings after all sometimes it just helps to talk.

Ok I to have total germ phobia! I'm always wiping the entire cart down at the store most of the time in the winter I don't even take my kids to the store with me for fear of germs! We do go to church every sunday and my oldest is in school so he would be bringing home germs anyways but that I can't have control over. I to worry sick about taking my eyes off of my children while we are at a store and if I have to turn my head I always have one foot on the cart at all times. I feel that I have to have control over everything because if I don't things would never get done around here maybe that's what is making you feel this way I would try and ask your husband to maybe take on a few more things around the house or watch your child a little more so you can maybe just go in the other room for a little bit to get use to other people watching them start off slow. I to am very picky about who watches my children my sister in law and brother in law I don't really want watching my kids and they have only done it maybe twice. Again go with your gut on a lot of things most of the time it's telling you your right!!!

Good morning B.. Although I agree you need to rethink your approach, my perspective differs from many of the responses I read in some aspects.

I've worked with a lot of mothers and children. Unless you manifest other OCD behaviors, maybe your thoughts about germs and such are just your mind trying to justify the strength of your maternal instincts that drive a mother to be with her infant at all times. I don't know why so many people believe that mothers of infants need a break from their babies when what we most often need is a break from other responsibilities. Our great grandmothers did not get such breaks. People seemed to be more in touch with natural instincts between mothers and infants. Mothers were given a powerful dose of maternal drives for a reason. The mother's body spent 9 months receiving chemical, energetic, and emotional information from her baby's body. She is equipped with instincts to sense and understand her baby's needs like no one else can. This little person is not yet able to speak and interpret their environment for themselves. The mother is best equipped to sense the child's needs and help the child learn to safely interact with their environment.

What mothers of infants need is support to be with their baby. Being away from their infant causes a mother to feel uneasy and anxious. This is the way nature made us to be. Being away from the baby stresses us more than being with the baby. We need other kinds of support so that we can have more freedom to focus on our infant's needs. As you mentioned, these maternal drives lessen in time. This is an indication that these feelings are arising from the normal inclinations of a mother and not some disorder.

But, you do not want to let your mind misinterpret your feelings and express them as distrust of other's cleanliness or mistrust of your baby's immune system. If you are going to leave your baby in another person's control, even your husband's, it is not helpful to express distrust and to micromanage them. It is natural to let our minds try to express our uneasiness in ultra conservative and controlling ways. But, however natural this tendency is, it is ineffective nonetheless. If you choose to let your husband take the baby while you teach classes, then you just need to be honest with yourself about why you feel worrisome feelings and decide to not let your mind focus on micromanaging others.

You might want to ask your husband or someone else at the church to teach the children's class until your baby is a bit older. Let someone give you the break you really need. In many cultures, parents are expected to keep the baby at home and only expose the baby to the family for the first 40 days of life. After that, the baby can go out in public with the mother, but is kept close to her body for the first 9 months or year, sometimes even up to 2 years. The more we get away from respecting these traditions, the more nervous mothers become. I don't think this is because mothers have some sort of disorder. Maybe I'm wrong about that, but we might want to rethink the conclusions to which we have lept.

I noticed others told frightening stories and suggested that you trust in God. I agree that we trust God, but that we also trust that God created these instincts in mothers and that we do not need to apologize for them. Just try to come between a momma bear and her cubs! When my son was 1 month old and was sleeping in the car seat, I put the car seat in the shopping cart at K-Mart. Because there was a ladder blocking an isle where I needed something, I took my hands off the shopping cart and started to take just a few steps to grab something. Before I took the second step, I felt a chill up my back and felt that something had come between that sort of mommy-rada connection I had with my son. I turned immediately and saw a man quietly running away with my shopping cart and my baby and I was able to stop him in time. Just a few more seconds, had I spent time reading a label, I would never have seen my son again. I never doubted my maternal instincts after that. I know that very few others could have felt what I felt. I don't care if the issue is germs or kidnappers. We should honor and support the power of a mother's instincts. Perhaps we should be grateful for them and mothers should be shown respect.

Are you my husbands long lost sister?? He's a germ freak too (I don't say freak to be mean - but it's a joke with us now). He use to bleach our childrens toys every night and he was the one that didn't want anyone to hold our children when they were babies. He's better now, and I'm sure you will be too. Your baby is only 2 1/2 months old - you still go hormones running rampet - put some of the blame there. And for going out, to keep from hurting feelings (I know that isn't the most important thing but sometimes we do have to take that into count), keep your date short. Tell hubby that you only want to go to dinner so that way you can be back in time for the next feeding and schedule is not off too much. Also, I had no problems asking people to wash hands before holding my babies, or hand them some Germ-X, keep some in the diaper bag, your purse and in hubby's pocket. I know that my Grandma will say "let me wash my hands before I hold the baby", she's been like that for a long time. Keep your first times away short. This way your MIL gets to feel special and you and hubby get dinner out. If you can't loosen up after a few months I'd talk to your doctor to see if they can offer some help. Good luck and God Bless!

Wow - I must say, without meaning to sound too harsh, that yes, I think you might need some help from an outside source. Such as counseling from your church perhaps or something to that nature. I don't think there is anything wrong with being a little overprotective, but this may be carrying things to the extreme. Maybe if you had someone watch your baby for just very short periods of time, like 15 minutes to go to the store, or a 10 minute walk, etc. and then build up from there. 2 1/2 months is very little and he should be protected, but you need to take care of yourself too. So just take baby steps and maybe find someone to talk to about your worries (control issues) that can help you put things into perspective. You can do it - you obviously have the desire too - just allow yourself to be a bit vulnerable and you will get through this!!!!

Your kids are going to get sick. It is just a fact of life. Your baby will get germs even if someone else doesn't hold him. What about your husband coming in contact with others outside the home? Or you? You can cut down on germs but you can eliminate them altogether.
You sound a lot like OCD. Have you ever thought of that? Having to be in control.... having to have things just so....
You also need to stop worrying about leaving your children with your husband. There is a trust issue there and it is not good for a healthy marriage.
I think it is okay to worry about germs. But not to the point you are sitting on the computer crying. It is just not normal.
Also could you possibly just have postpartum depression?
I don't know you, but from your post you seem a little obsessive. Maybe some therapy would help.
Good luck

okay, you've taken the first step in correcting/changing this situation: you've identified that it is your issue, your need to control, & you've recognized that you must change. Hooray....that's the most difficult part of the process! And I'm not being flip....I truly believe you will feel better from this point on.

To start the adjustment period of "learning to relax, have trust in others, & to have faith"....it's time for you to find an outside-of-the-home hobby, charity, or other activity. This will help you break out of the bubble you are living in....will boost your self-confidence....& will allow you to trust your husband, friends & family, & others to care for your children. It will also help you stop being afraid of the world & will make your life bigger & brighter!

Open up yourself to trust, faith, hope, & love. Embrace the differences in all of us, applaud the unexpected....& you'll be happier! Peace....

B.-

Coming from someone who has self-diagnosed herself as having mild OCD (and it runs in my family), I'd say that you are Obsessive Compulsive. It may even be bad enough to go to a therapist and consider medication.

While it's understandable to not want a lot of people to hold your small baby, you have to let go and realize that your husband is 50% of the parent and therefore, you need to give him the benefit of the doubt and when he's in charge, you need to just let him parent the way he does. Wanting to know if he washed his hands and what the baby's poop looked like a bit much. Your husband may start to resent you and think that you think he's incapable of being a parent. You do not want this because it will cause problems in your relationship.

As far as not wanting your inlaws to watch the kids - is it because you don't want the kids to go to their house for some reason? I suggest having them watch your kids at your house. It's understandable that you trust your mom the most, but think about how it makes your husband feel if he trusts his parents and wants them to watch the kids but you do not?

As far as breastfeeding and taking the bottle, your son will probably not take a bottle from you if he's used to breastfeeding. My son takes both but has from the start. Try letting someone else feed him. And if you are getting worked up about it, then he can sense your frustrations.

I think one of the biggest concerns when it comes to parenting is "What If?" Everyone thinks those things from time to time but if it affects your work, going out without your children, your relationships, etc, it may be time to consider professional help.

Try to think about what you REALLY need to be in control of - your kids safety, making sure they are clothed, bathed and fed. If you don't want people to hold him, don't go out in public. You need to be able to leave your kids with your husband and feel okay with it. He will never parent the way that you do because he is not you. But that does not make it wrong.

Good luck!!!