I Need Help... Still... My Baby Will Not Stop Crying If I Am Not with Her

Dear C.,

First I think it is very normal that your 4 month old is so attached. This is developmentally appropriate and some babies have a tougher time with new people and are have higher needs as babies (read Dr. Sears stuff on high need babies- very validating). I recommend wearing her if that helps her not to cry- if she is heavy, switch to a 2 shoulder carrier like a mei-tai or soft structured carrier (like an Ergo). In a month you can put her on your back and go about your business. I also recommend you teach your other family members to wear her too. My husband and mom wore my daughter and often it was the only way they could calm her down. I felt so guilty at times hearing her cry and cry but eventually she and they (my family) figured out how to be with each other. I had to assure them and myself that it was okay for her to cry in a loving embrace (NOT the same as crying alone in a room). Everyone learns to soothe in their own ways (let them know to be patient and then you get out of the house for short amounts of time).

As for your 2 year old, I also think her response is developmentally expected (although really really hard on you!). I might not put her in preschool yet; but I do think you need a break. She might benefit from more individual attention, as opposed to less, which she would get in preschool, just to help reassure her that the baby is not replacing her. This may be why she is acting out and acting like a baby (my 2 1/2 year old was a nightmare with us when our baby was born even though she adored him!) Even though she is rough, praise her efforts and interest in the baby and find things that she CAN do, like help with diapers, hand her toys, sing to her, etc. Of course set boundaries too, to protect the baby.

You definitely need a break- if your husband can't help with the baby, then he can help with meals, errands and housework. He can also help with the 2 year old. My husband has been giving my now-3 year old lots and lots of individual attention, I also had my parents visit me for a long time and instructed them to just pay attention to the older child. I think it's really hard on the first one to lose so much of Mama after having her all to herself. I don't mean to say that you should give more- you are already giving everything- but still see it from her perspective.

Since she is really smart, she might benefit from books about sisterhood. My daughter seemed to appreciate this. I got her books that showed how the big sister did sometimes envy the baby or want Mama, but that she also had some advantages. When my daughter acted out I sometimes say, "Honey, do you sometimes wish you were still a baby?" and she says yes. Then I talk to her about how she feels and how it's tough, and then talk to her about all the things she gets to do that the baby can't. There's also a nice book called "on mother's lap" that emphasizes that mama always has room for both kiddos.

Since she is bored you might try to give her more challenge at home- try googling "montessori at home" and see what comes up- I found a lot of interesting activities that my daughter could do at home and take all of her attention- she is really into dramatic role play right now as well as life skills, so I give her things that are similar to what montessori preschools provide. Or other activities- manipulatives, washable paints (she can do OUTSIDE!), just give her those special scissors that don't cut anything but paper- I think I got mine from Lakeshore Learning or Discount School Supply. That's the type of stuff she would do at preschool.

You need a break so get out of the house for coffee, brief errands- short things at first to give your baby and family practice, but it will really help. Or, have them take her out so you can nap. Sleep makes all the difference in the world. Don't feel bad about not being able to cook right now- if your husband spends even one day in your shoes he will understand that cooking is IMPOSSIBLE. He can start cooking, or if cooking is important to you, he can take the kids and let you cook; you might also consider cooking once a week for the week, or doing something like dream dinners to help supplement the main courses. (Seems pricey but can really stretch out and save tons of time).

Hang in there! Everything you are going through is normal and you can get through this. And don't worry that the way your 2 year old is acting now is indicative of their sibling relationship- you will be able to lay that foundation for many years.

Hope this helps!

You need to be feeding her on demand and you need to wear your baby.
Get a sling , wrap or front carrier and wear her front facing so she can see everything that is going on and you still have your hands free. and ask your doctor about reflux. Your youngest sounds like my oldest, never slept cried all the time, tired EVERYTHING. She's 9 yrs old now and is ADHD and gifted. Still doesn't sleep. The only thing that helped even a bit is letting her sleep on my chest. After hrs and hrs of crying at 3am I laid down on the couch put her on my chest on her tummy and turned on 101 Dalmatians. She still loves and sleeps with a Dalmatian. She was my high needs never slept baby from day 1. I co slept with her because that's the only way I could get ANY sleep.

You're 2 yr old isn't bored she's being a 2 yr old.
Everything that you listed is typical terrible twos stuff.
Try "1-2-3 magic" .
Also make her clean up the walls she drew on, give her a magic eraser and let her go to town.

I would definitely consider the preschool option, it is only 2 mornings and they still have plenty of time together. For your infant, if you are exclusively breastfeeding, I would think about cutting dairy and maybe gluten (be strict with the eliminations) from your diet and see if there is a change in her behavior over the next 2-4 weeks. Clinginess and bad sleep are good indicators of intolerances. Good luck.

Two things: (1) it sounds like your baby is overtired. If you can get her to consolidate naps, it should help. Seriously, she sounds overtired to me, and thus unable to sleep. (2) I hate to say it, but there is nothing special about your 2.5 year old. Totally developmentally appropriate. The problem isn't that she is bored, she is jealous!

With ever new skill my baby learns, my 2.5 year old gets jealous and acts up. When my baby was around 3 months, I put them both on a schedule of sorts, and during rough patches, our schedule keeps us all sane. I also ignore her when she is really acting up for attention. The misbehavior is attention seeking behavior. When she acts up, put her in a TO, and if she keeps acting up, put her in her room until she is ready to "cooperate" and "play nice" with mommy and baby. I also do things ALONE with my 2.5 year old at least once, if not, two times a week. If you can, once your baby is on a better nap schedule, take the two year old to the grocery store with you on the weekend, let hubby mind the baby. It isn't much, but it is alone time. Also, when baby is napping, try to spend some of the time playing alone with your 2 year old. During my baby's nap time, I divide the time into two segments: household work time and play time with 2 year old. It keeps the floors somewhat clean, and keeps the 2 year old happy. I get moments to myself (like this) in the early morning and at night. It's hell having 14 hour days when you are never alone, but it is momentary.

The calmest and most adjusted babies I've been around have been kept with their mamas all the time. These sweet women put baby in a sling or an ergo (I didn't know about ergo with mine...you can wear on the back or side too) and nurse on demand. Baby just sleeps away when she needs to. Hands were free to help other little ones. Did she cry when in the sling? Something about mom's heart beat and swaying usually does the trick. Have you talked to your pediatrician? Couple more things: BM that many times a day for a breastfed baby are normal and they can skip days and have many when they start. Have you tried dropping dairy from your diet? Maybe she's lactose intolerant? My sister did this with her nursing and it worked.

Hi C., I don't know that I have advice for you, I do however feel your pain. My son was 3 1/2 when my daughter was born, and extremely smart as well. (and still is, now in first grade) My daughter screamed from the get go, many times even if I was holding her, just not quite as bad. She didn't want anyone else, and even when I just wanted someone else to take her (i.e. hubby, grandmother etc.) for a while, they couldn't, because she would be so upset. She did end up having acid reflux, which prevented me from trying any formula for her until my husband gave her some at about 8 months old. (I felt guilty because my son NEVER had formula). Anyway, this went on until around her first birthday. I was fortunate that my son handled her very well, but he was also a year older than your other daughter. I did consider sending him to a pre-school just so he could get out of the house for a while. I didn't end up sending him, mostly because he was ok with a screaming baby, he actually handled it better than me. All of that said, your daughter may enjoy school, if you can handle getting her there and back, that's a task in itself with an upset baby. And as for errands, I use to take my daughter, screaming all the way because I had no other options, and people would look at me like I was crazy, and some even made rude comments, but I had to buy food too. I do regret that I didn't seek more help. I should have consulted my doctor about the way I was feeling, which was the way you are feeling now. I don't know if you have spoke to your pedi about your daughters crying, but make sure you do if you haven't, incase there is an issue such as acid reflux. Like I said, I don't know that I can help, but you are not doing anything wrong. You are being the best mommy you can be to the 2 girls you were given, and that is something you should be proud of! I hope for your sake your little one gives up her fits sooner than later, but one day she will be a bouncing happy little girl, even when she isn't on your hip, and you'll be able to tell the story of how you made it to the other side. If it helps at all, when I would site crying because I didn't know what else to do, I would tell myself over and over, I would rather have her screaming everyday of my life, than not have her at all, because as you said, my world revolves around my children, and God knew I'd be the mommy that could make it thru with her. And you will make it with your little ones!! Good luck to you!

A.

p.s. if you have a relative that can take your older daughter for a few hours once a week, that might help her feel better too. Or maybe if dad took her out to the park one evening? I didn't have that, but I imagine it might help :)

$10 on the table right now that your baby has recurrent ear infections.

The need to be completely vertical, and preferably in motion while vertical (car seats and swings don't cut it, but aren't as bad as laying flat) is the tip for me. Double down, if it's not ears, it's sinuses. And possibly both. But I'm betting ears. When my son was a baby they still had infant pseudoephedrine on the market, which would relieve the symptoms enough to get them through while the antibiotics started working. Nowadays (love it when politicians start dictating medical decisions), I have no idea if it's even made. SudafedPE just does not work on the vast majority of kids or adults. It's an antihistamine, like benedryl, not a decongestant (to clear the mucus out from her ears and sinuses) and bronchodilator. So I foresee a doctor's visit and meds in your future. And sleep, glorious sleep. The cry you describe sounds like sudden onset acute positional pain to me, not just anxiety.

Doctor time.

Honey, you are NOT doing everything wrong. The super-power of Mom-Guilt is an amazing thing... but it's not an accurate representation of what's really going on.

As far as preschool... why not take your 2yo to observe a couple classes. See if it's something that makes her excited, or not? And go from there.

Also, my son started using www.starfall.com when he was 2. It had the *unfortunate* side effect that he was reading fluently by age 3 (sigh, I've written about the drawbacks to toddlers reading that people don't think about prior, so I'm not going to repeat right now)... but it had the VERY fortunate side effect that I got an hour's worth of peace each and every day. ((Unsurprisingly, kiddo turned out to be adhd like me. No way to tell that young, and I LIKE active kids, but it was rather exhausting.)) Having that hour a day where he was using the computer and just LAUGHING and laughing and laughing... my god.. it's the best music in the world.

Anyhow... a couple things to try.

C. - anybody who reads my posts knows that I am very against day care (stemming from various personal experiences btw) and "pre-school" for toddlers. I even homeschool my children (not something I ever thought I would be doing!).

That being said - I do not see the harm in putting your older daughter in a "mom's morning out" or another 1-2 half-day per week program. She sounds very bright and it might be nice for her to get out more. Even we homeschoolers get our kids out of the house and off to various programs. From what I've seen girls especially need this.

Your baby is very little and your older daughter may be gifted (which is a special need sometimes!). If you could just gain a tiny bit more control over the situation you might feel better overall. Fatigue makes everything SO MUCH worse.

Good luck - I'm thinking about you guys. If it's any consolation I wish I could have another baby!

O.K....my opinion and answer to both your questions: I would definately give your older daughter the experience of pre-K or a good mother's day out program. This is something you can do, not for you, but for her. It can be such an enriching experience and gives them oppurtunity to build on their social skills. It's also a great community of parents that will open doors for future playdates and even social time for you. My oldest daughter is almost 11yrs old, and we are still great friends with two families we met through her pre-k program.
Now, the baby...poor thing (both of you). It sounds to me like she might need more sleep. I read that she won't nap, but maybe try new techniques for a few days at a time to see if anything new will work for her. All babies are different, so it could be that she will respond differently to certain methods than your oldest daughter did. Just a thought...good luck!!

for starters, you need a break...maybe schedule some time for the girls to stay the night with a trusted friend or relative. You cannot take care of the kids and deprive yourself at the same time, 1, you're thinking isn't as clear when you're that tired, 2 you can't be consistant with the kids because the fitting will annoy you into giving in just so they'll hush. 3 mom needs to be healthy to take care of the kiddos.

how long are you letting your baby "just cry?" if she cries to be held, there is nothing wrong with just laying her in a safe environment (play pen for ex) and just let her cry, if you have to because of the crying, go to another room, or step outside and bring your monitor with you and turn it down low, leave her there until she cries herself to sleep or stops. if you can't do that, (it's hard but just ignore her), turn up your radio to "drown her cry out". If you need to put the other in a day care to accomplish this, don't feel guilty about that she needs to learn to be social and learn to be in school so she'll be more prepared for it when she does start school...and moms flat out needs a break sometimes...

my mom told me when my 8 year old was born...You're not a bad mom if you WANT to throw your kids through the wall but call for help instead. If you don't ask for help and do throw your kids through the wall then you are.
I took this advice as NO mom can do it alone.

God put eve in the world to be with Adam not to be seperated from him, so God put 2 in control of raising kids and never does execpt a single parent to truly raise kids alone.

Mr Clean Magic Eraserswork great for gettingoff crayn,pen,pencil,even permenent marker!
My oldest who is now 7was colic, she would scream all of the time up untill about 4 months old. R u sure baby is getting enough?
Ijust the other week put my 3.5 year old in daycare 3 full days a week. He would do the same as your describing your older one does and more. I started seeing some of his behaviorrubbing off on his little brother who will b 2 soon. And the little one is well behaved when he dosn't have brother around deliberatly showing him bad behavior. I couln't take it anymore! Daycare has been a godsend! I can get stuff done without him here destroying! Now don't get me wrong i love my son very much but i felt like i was losing it. He loves daycare to! potty is going much better since he started also ( yeah he would wet and soil his pants b/c he knew it would get to me.) He does good with the socialization at school to see how the other children act. I know he just needed more attention than i could give him. Good luck.

I cannot add a single word of advice to what you have already received from Claire and Amy...such insightful and loving Mama's. I just want to tell you that you are not alone...so many Mama's of 2 little ones this age are experiencing the very same thing that you are going through every single day!! Don't beat yourself up...you are doing the very best you can...don't be afraid to ask for help...let family bring in food...help with the laundry...ANYTHING!!! I agree with the idea of getting family involved to make your toddler feel really special and do acknowledge her feelings of confusion and mixed feelings about her new baby sister!! Let her talk about it...you will gain new insight and she will learn to start dealing with it in a way other than coloring on walls and cutting hair!!!
Good luck to you...and when you have come out on the other end of this you will be SO proud of yourself and of your girls!!

Hi C.,

Maybe you could have someone come in a couple times a week to help out? A "mother's helper" kind of person. She/he could stay with either child and then you could take the other. It might give you the chance to spend some one-on-one time with your 2 year old, and you won't have to worry about driving her to day care.

The 4 month old does sound over tired to me. I highly recommend the book "Healthy Sleep Habits. Happy Child." by Marc Weisbluth. The good news is that developmentally, your baby's brain matures at 4 mos so it will be easier to put her down to sleep.

Good luck!

Hang in there, mama. You have a lot going on with two little ones. Your 2 year old sounds like she is just jealous, and let's be honest, why shouldn't she be? Toddlers need a predictable routine and right now, no one in the house has one.
Your 4 month old sounds like she is over-tired or maybe that she is hungry. When she nurses, does she nurse for a long time on both breasts? There are two kinds of breast milk, one is foremilk and one is hindmilk. A baby who only sucks on the breast for a few minutes at a time may never be getting a full feeding. Instead she is "snacking" to pacify herself but not getting the filling hindmilk that comes after continual sucking during a feeding. I used the book "On Becoming Babywise." Crying it out isn't really a reasonable term when your baby goes into hysterics. Try training her that she is ok, even when she isn't in mommy's arms. You first need to make sure that when she takes the breast, she is getting a full feeding. This means you are not letting her nurse every time she cries and you make sure when she does nurse, that she keeps sucking and takes both breasts. Once you establish a full feeding she won't be hungry again for 2-3 hours and you will learn to differentiate a hunger cry from other types of cries. Then you teach her that she is safe and secure and you do that by laying her down in a safe place (crib, playpen) and then letting her cry for one minute. Then go in the room for one minute, rub her back, soothe her ,sing to her, tell her it is ok and get her to settle down without picking her up. Then keep repeating and extending the time you are away gradually but don't let her get too hysterical. Set a timer so you can feel comforted that in 1 minute or 5 or 10 or whatever time you are extending it to you will be able to comfort her. Self-soothing is a learned trait and it will take some time. The book explains that feeding, wake time, and sleep time form a pattern that will help your baby develop a healthy metabolism and normalize sleep patterns.
You can do it! Hang in there!

short & sweet:

I think you know what the answers are....& you are allowing guilt & your daughters to RULE your life. Only you can break this cycle, only you can make the changes which are soooo desperately needed.

You are the one with the children thru the whole day. You are the one who is their primary caretaker. AND life will not get better unless you make the choice to be the "parent".

I highly recommend contacting Parents as 1st Teachers or some other organization. Ask for ideas on how to effectively "be in charge". Watch the "1-2-3 Discipline" video. Learn some techniques on how to address these situations, & then teach your children coping skills. I wish you Peace.

Get a mayawrap or mei tai, strap taht baby on and get out of the house!!! Go to the park, storytime at the library, push the 2 year old in a stroller and take a walk,join a local moms group-this one will give you invaluable mom face time with other moms going thru the same thing and lots of fun activities for your 2 year old! And these are all things for free you can do!

Also, check out Dr. Sears book about high needs infants. And I highly recommend reading the Baby Whisperer. I didn't follow it to the letter but it had really great advice and tips about routines and sleep. Also, she discussed different types of baby personalities. It was one of my life-saver books.

Have you tried the Playtex bottle with the latex (brown) nipple? Another life-saver for me with my 1st. It is super soft just like the breast.