I Need Advice - Novi,MI

It sounds like you're having a hard time finding a stable, respectful footng where you can move effectively, be a leader and mother the way that feels right to you.

It may help you to think of the things your brother does as if it were a total stranger doing it -- what different response would you have if you felt no obligation to this relationship?

Now you might like to consider what obligation you feel in this relationship? Why is he allowed to walk all over you? What requires you to be meek here?

In an old Oprah magazine I came across an interesting idea about honesty and how lying weakens us physically, particularly in not telling other people the truth. You have been lying to your brother about what is actually acceptable to you, probably out of a desire to avoid hurting him. But consider the damage that tactic has done to your relationship with him, your respect for him and your desire to increase the amount of time you spend with him. Now your frustration is coming out in all kinds of inappropriate ways -- depression, nasty emails, self-doubt and recrimination.

It may help to stop thinking in terms of right and wrong (who is right or wrong and whether or not what you did was right or wrong) and start looking at the whole thing through the word 'effective' instead.

Is it effective to email what you think?
Is it effective to say nothing while your son is antagonized?
Is it effective to protect your brother from the effect he's having on your family?

It may help to look inside to find the values that pull you toward living your best life. If courage is a value that energizes you, consider how you could be courageous in this situation. Replace the word 'courage' with any other value (respect, kindness, generous, faithful, wise) and see if those make it easier to see what you need to do in this situation.

I suspect you know what you need to do, but are having a hard time seeing how to do it and still remain you. Clarifying your values may help you there.

Sorry, but why do you not want to "upset your brother in any way"? Is there something wrong with him? Is there a reason he needs to be appeased and allowed to dominate in your home, while its acceptable for you to feel walked on? What does dad say about this? Your brother sounds like he's used to being in control and not being challenged. I'd venture to say, a bully? I think you better be specific about your feelings. He didn't seem to get the not-rude, factual approach. Ask him to stop disciplining your son. And if he doesn't, you'd rather not see him. I don't imagine it will sort itself out that easily, but I do think its that important that you stick up for your family. And yourself.

Your house YOUR rules...
If you don't want the dog in the house tell them to leave it in their car... The main thing is that you have to put your foot down... And hubby back you up on it.

As for the sharing thing... Sure no 3 yr old is a perfect sharer.. But sharing lessons start young. Yes, the 1 yr old can share also... As an older child myself I know that having to give your toys to the "baby" all the time no matter if its special to you or not SUCKS! You end up not wanting to play with the "baby" because they always take away what you are doing.
With my own kids I make it a point of NOT forcing my older kids to share all the time... Asking them to get a different toy for the baby if they are still playing with the one he wants right now... Because they do not have the toys ripped away from them all the time they usually will willingly give up a toy for the baby if he cannot be detured by a different one. Because its THEIR choice, not forced on them. But see, that means I have to pay attention to my kids and be supervising them...
It sounds like this baby is catered to to keep her quiet... :-)
As for the e-mailing... Anything that has to do with parenting style really should be done in person. The few times I have had to have a talk with one of my sisters I have sat down and typed out a letter and the handed it to them and waited for them to read it and react... Then it can be discussed... But at least you know you were able to put all your thoughts out there and make sure it was worded appropriately... But the past is the past. DO NOT appologize for what you wrote. Maybe a "sorry, I should have talked to you in person but the point is still valid"...

You don't say if this is an older or younger brother... Not that it matters... You have the 2 extra years of parenting experience under your belt even if they are older.
For the times that they come over I would make sure all I needed to do was prepped before hand and sit myself down WITH the kids on the floor. Then I can see all they do and be the first to say " Its ok honey, you don't have to give her YOUR toy... How about giving her THIS one..."

If they continue with the forced sharing of kids that are going to be about 2 yrs or less apart you will be hearing a lot of "they fight all the time" stories...

And if they are doing something that is against your house rules don't tell them "you would much rather they not.... " Tell them to "stop it. That is not allowed in MY house" That is YOUR domain and YOUR rules should be followed... Especially by the kids that they will be bringing with them from now on... Do not be afraid to step in and lay down the law with your nieces and nephews just as you would with your own child. Even if the parents are standing there... Yes, the kids will LOVE comming to your house because they know fairness applies and noone is favored over another.

In 3 or so years your sis in law and brother will be asking how do you get your kid to behave so well?

Good luck... And stay consistant...

Hello S., I'm glad that you are looking for friends in your own age group, but it would be helpful to know what your age is on this site. As far as your situation is concerned, the biggest problem here is that you are a people pleaser, and haven't learned yet how to be assurtive. When anyone comes to your home, you and your husband should be the ONLY ones to set the house rules. It should be your way or the high way. In return, when visiting other peoples homes, it is proper to follow their house rules. It is called respect. Go to the library S., and read some books on how to say no, and assurtivness. You did the right thing by letting your brother know how you feel. You are intitled to your feelings, expecially in your own home. If your brother has issues with how you feel, then remember that those are HIS issues, which you have no control over, but don't allow HIS issues to become yours. He is being disrespectful, bossy, selfish, and plain out rude with you and your familly. Please set some healthy boundries with him so he stops bulling you around. Good luck, and I hope you find some frinds. We all need some support in life. One more thing to remember, nobody should ever be allow to over step your say as a mother with your son. Tell your brother that if your son need to be disaplined, to bring it to your attention, or your husbands, but let them know that at either house YOU are in charge of your own child.

You need to stand your ground and uphold rules in YOUR home! Get the book Boundaries (I think it's by Henry Cloud) because you definitely need to set some strong boundaries with your brother. Things will not get better until your brother realizes he cannot treat you and your family this way in your home.

I'm not sure I would have used email to convey my thoughts...but I don't think you were wrong for sticking up for your son. My cousin's parents (not my aunt and uncle) are the same way my son and her sister (my cousin's) son. Everything they do to their daughters is too rough, etc. They don't play together often (and the kids all get along) so I try to monitor it... but if it were at my house I would probably handle it differently.

First, it is your house, if you say no dog...then no dog. End of story. Should not be an issue. Second, I have a 5 year old and a 15 mos old, it isn't fair that my son always give in to his sister because she is little and doesn't understand. If she had it first, she keeps it. If he had it first, we tell him to give her something else and then if she still comes after him, I intervene.

Good luck, I hope it all works out for you.

Your timing may not have been the best, but they do need to realize their limits. It is your son and they need to respect him in your home. FYI I would hav eput my foot down about the dog thing from the start, we no longer go to my bil's house because of his dog. I also would not put up with my child being picked at all the time.

HI S. - gosh, your brother and SIL sound like a nightmare. They've never made any effort to be a good uncle and aunt - who would bring a huge dog around and get him excited and risk a bite? Now, they're ignoring him in favor of their own child. I think you should really try and cool it with them - speak to them on the phone every once in a while, perhaps meet with them at a local restaurant, but I would keep having them in your house to a minimum. Perhaps they'll mature - they sound like big kids. To meet new friends, a great way is to go with your son to the local park when the weather gets warmer, chat to other moms, see if you can find a playgroup, or just another mom to hang out with. Don't be shy of asking for a phone number to make a playdate for your son - I moved here from the UK more than 10 years ago, and that was exactly how I met new friends. Also, what about finding a toddler group or preschool (church, music, gym, whatever) as that's a way of meeting new people too. Good luck - Alison

We've gone through similar things and I don't think you're out of line...the problem is that they appear to be self-centered/self-absorbed, so if it's not about them then it's of no importance. It's sad actually...but you can't change them...only let them know that it bothers you, and then choose to spend your time with people who care and respect you, your son, etc. Not much help here - just wanted to offer you words of support...

S.,

You did the right thing. When people come into YOUR home, whether they are family or not, then they need to respect you, your family and your home. If they do not, then it needs to be addressed.

I wouldn't worry about hurting your brothers feelings. You have the right to tell him what bothers you and how he acts in YOUR home. Don't let him guilt you into backing off and allowing them to walk all over you.

I know family issues can be a real problem, but if it comes down to it, then you'll have to decide whether you want to allow him to come into your home and be disrespectful, or maintain your dignity and not have him there at all.

Good luck.

I'm with YOU. Your brother is being a selfish imposing jerk. First, if he has a dog that isn't exactly kid friendly, who do you think is going to be charged with child endangerment if your child is hurt in your home? You. And if he loves his dog, he will not put the dog's life in jeopardy because one incident and the dog is put down. No questions asked.
Second, it's your home, isn't it? Don't invite them over until they can learn some respect for others' boundaries. It's time you spoke up. You set rules for your house, they set rules (MAYbe) for their house. And rules should be respected. Just say the dog is not invited and a PLEASANT visit would be wonderful. A stressful one would not be. So if they want to have a happy visit and are happy to see and connect with you, then they need to leave their superiority issues at home with the dog. Sounds like your SIL has some issues that your bro is being a pain in the keister to have to adhere to as well. He might be taking his frustration out on you. In other words, he has to live with the SIL and her weird ways and if it sticks in his craw, he may be showing it when he visits you.
But stick to your guns, S.. The dog stays home. That's the first order of business. Stick up for yourself. If they say or do stuff that really is out of line,let them know it was uncalled for.

I have similar obsticles with my MIL which i was always surprised with because she 's her grandmother!!! I had written letter after letter, but never sent them, because i didn't want to get in the middle of my husband and his MOM.
So, I say congratulations to you for saying what you felt to your brother. My feeling about kids, is that no matter what, or how many feelings you hurt, you just need to take care of your immidiate family. And make sure those people are happy and secure.

S., you did the right thing! It sounds like your brother and his family feel they have the right to control you and your family in your home and that is not right! It also sounds like the relationship you have with him is not making you feel good about yourself. Don't doubt yourself! Are you providing day care for their baby? I say if you are, stop. This sounds like an unhealthy relationship not only for you, but for your son. You are right,you are smart, you are the protector of your family, and you are strong. Stand up to the bully called your brother.

S.- You for sure did the right thing!! It sounds like to me they had no respect for you your house or your family. To tell you the truth, had I been in that situation, I probably would have been rude, and accusing in an e-mail to either one of them. Don't let it bother you, and if you want to get together to see one another children, suggest a public place. A park, Toddler activity area, McDonald's even. That way they cannot bring their dog, your son can run around, and hopefully not fear being punished by your brother, & to tell you the truth, you won't have to be so social with one another and will still get to see the children, and when you have had enough you can politely exit. Hope this helps and good luck!

Your house, you set the rules...besides if you can't talk to your own brother...

You ABSOLUTELY stick up for/watch out for your son. Ask your brother to try to imagine how heartbreaking it would have been for him to watch his daughter go through the things (dog stress, criticism, etc.) with his daughter. Tell him you are a mom and your sole purpose now is to safely/respectfully raise your son, not worry more about making people comfortable who have no regard for him.

I too have parenting issues with my sister and brother-in-law. At first I tried talking about it, which didn't work because everyone became defensive and argumenative. Then I tried limiting our time together, which didn't work because we can see their house from ours ~ and because we were so close they would just unexpectedly "pop in" when they were bored. Also we realized just how much we really did enjoy spending time with them...yes their are issues, but we do have fun together. So then I tried to start scheduling things after the kids were in bed. Our kids are 5 & 3 and go to bed at 8p. So we would invite them over @ 8:15 and we would get a good couple of hours in either playing cards, chating or watching a movie. This has worked out well for us at the moment because their son is only 4 months old. I don't know what we will do once he is a bit older and starts having a bed time of his own :( I also schedule time to hang out with my sister while my daughter is in school or while my kids go to the drop in center. Other than that, I just try to smile and nod alot. See, they, although they've only been parents for 4 months, have tried to tell me all the things I am doing wrong and they are convinced that they know exactly how to raise a child so that he or she will behave correctly at all times, potty train instantaneously and keep their toys, rooms and the rest of the house spotless! I do believe that sharing and other things will be issues once their son is a bit older, and again I have no idea how that will all turn out. I say if you really like spending time with them, get creative and plan group date night or something without the kids, or just limit your time together, once a week or once every other week. If those are not options for you then I agree with what another person said, be ready to sit on the floor with the kids and help them all learn to share and play together. I've had days with my kids where I've done that. If thier has been an over abundance of fighting and not sharing I sit down and play with them and help them figure out better ways to handle ea situation as it arises. We talk alot about being kind and loving and doing the right thing. And sometimes that means sharing and sometimes that means asking to play with something when the other person is done or just whatever the sitation calls for. Kids are never to young to learn to share and be kind and loving to one another. Good luck and I hope all works out for you and your family. Either way keep sticking up for your kids, they can't do it for themselves so that is part of our jobs as parents :)