I Miss ME!

There was no "good" reason on why dinner out was cancelled other than hubby didn't feel like going. That is NOT a good enough excuse. If it were me, I would have said, "nnnoooooo, we are going, I have been looking forward to this all day." That would have been the end of it. So not cool that hubby gets to stop on the way home for a drink with friends, even if it is quick. So now I would tell hubby that you need to make plans for a night next week to go out to eat. And unless like my son says, someone is "barfing or bleeding"...you are going! Good luck!

I am in CO, too! Where are you? I'm in Douglas County. I think every single stay-home mom has been where you are and has had the same feelings! It is so hard. I have been struggling with depression the last couple weeks. I actually even work outside the home 2 days/week AND I get to do a couple things for myself once or twice a week but I still struggle. My husband is great with the kids and supportive but it seems like it's not enough. I don't have the answer but I certainly can relate.

You need some girlfriend time!
If your husband doesn't want to go out to eat with the kids (my husband hated to do that too when they were little) then call up a friend and make a date. Hubby can stay home with the kids and they can eat leftovers or frozen pizza for dinner.

Other ways I kept my sanity and got adult time without spending money:
-met up with friends for a Saturday morning walk/workout
-had friends with kids over during the week so I had someone to talk to while the kids played
-exchanged babysitting with other couples so hubby and I could get some date time
-did my grocery shopping BY MYSELF in the evenings after hubby was home, not only was it easier without the kids but the store was practically empty

Get yourself out of the house on a regular basis, without the kids, you will feel so much better!!!

You poor thing! You need to get out!!!

Why not when hubby gets home one of these nights maybe you can plan for Monday, you and a good friend plan to leave hubby at home to take care of the kids while you and friend go out for dinner and drinks alone and catch up and relax?

Or go to a movie, or get a pedicure, whatever you want.

Get out of the house, and do something for YOU. You love to plan so plan something girl! The hubby will just have to deal!

I think we've all been there at differant points of our life. It's a season. It will pass.

One important point is, you have to be your own best advocate. If you are waiting for your husband to recognize that you need a break, you might be waiting a while.

In your example - you had the option to say - well, I'm so glad they have such a caring daddy. But I still need to get out of the house. I'm going to a movie, I'll be back in a few hours. Thanks, hon.!!!!!!

Sometimes YOU have to be the one to put you 1st.

I hear ya! even though you sound like you have a lot more on your plate than I do, I still sympathize.

You didn't mention if you have any ME time. Have a heart to heart with hubby and let him know how isolating/stressful etc it can be as a SAHM. Point out that while he deserves his time with coworkers for drinks, etc - that you do too! Let him know how you could be a happier/changed person if he would help you have some me time. Be specific and definately don't be vague in planning me time. Tell him from now on every Monday at 6 or whatever you decide works for your family that he will be home with the kids and you will be going out for coffee, shopping, dinner with friends, errands, etc. Whatever you want to do. Don't make it something that is flexible or he soon may unintentionally start letting it slide.

Also, you totally should not have made soup that night. Sometimes being a wife is sort of like parenting and it's like you gave in, reinforcing to him it's okay for him to change something that was important to you. Next time tell him that your ordering pizza or go out to dinner on your own! There's plenty of kid friendly places and many have free kids meal nights and maybe you guys can pick out a few things and make a fun routine of it.

Good luck to yoU!

Why don't you ask your husband to attend to the children so you can get out on your own to go on a walk or just get a breath of fresh air on your own? I'm sure there are many beautiful areas in your neighborhood to see and perhaps appreciating that will help you gain more that is you?

Oh Mom, you just gotta TELL him. You just need to discuss this with him, what you need, he just doesn't know. You don't like to complain, right? He can't SEE your point of view (like the botched out to eat plan), he doesn't know what it means to you!

You'll be a better mom, a better wife, a better YOU if your needs are met. And NO you're NOT asking too much!

He will not understand the isolation you feel home alone all the time with the kids. He has never BEEN there.

It's ok, what you're asking. It's a perfectly reasonable request.

So give him a try!

Geez, give yourself a break.

:)

Oh honey, I feel your pain. I completely understand & am in the same boat.
I will say this.............it will get better.
I have seen w/my hubby & my friends' husbands that whent he kiddos are little the moms got less time to themselves & the dads helped but not as much as the moms needed or liked.
One said friend had 3 kids, when the youngest turned 5 (others were 7 & 10 by then), hubby helped way more. She was finally able to go to dr appts, get a pedicure, meet me for lunch an hr away 4 times a year, get her hair done etc.
Hang in there. It will come.
On a night like last night:
-have ready made meals you buy to pop in microwave or on stove for a quick meal.
-meet hubby out to the restaurant w/the kids (that way he won't have a chance to complain, de-rail your plans or schlep around the house.
-make time for yourself in your daily routine. I, too, do not have any one to help so I do for myself in tiny ways:
-buy myself a mocha the night before when hubby is home, stick in fridge to warm up the next morning. Ahh.
-Paint your own nails or toenails when kids are in bed & hubby is home
-buy yourself some cheap $5 flowers next time you are at the grocery store
-read the funnies daily (laughter is good medicine)
-rent a $1 video from a Redbox-type of kioosk (you can watch it in spurts like I do on kids' portable dvd player)
-call a friend for a quick 10 min chat or text like I do when they don't have a lot of time & neither do I)
-write down 3 things each morning you are thankful for (it's a great reminder when the day gets hectic)
-make a short list of goals you would like to accomplish over the next 3 months. Only 3 to 5 items.
-when things get tough, as they sometimes will, take a deep breath & remind yourself you are blessed: you have your kids, your life, your health and TODAY.....another beautiful day.
-tell yourself: "nothing lasts forever" so this hardship today will be gone.
most likely replaced by another one but by then you will be reuvenated
to handle that difficult task
-throughout the day remind yourself to stop, take a deep breath (in for 10, out for 10.....it's calming) then proceed slowly
-sometimes when I've had a rough morning, I turn on the TV, the news is
inevitably on & I am reminded....I am okay. My life is blessed in
comparison. This is no way diminishes what you feel but just serves as a
reminder.
-Rest when you can

If your husband will be home around 5 tonight, I highly suggest going to see a movie. He can deal with the boys tonight. Just get out. Go. I find a movie the most refreshing bc I get absorbed and sometimes it's a movie that makes me appreciate all the good I have etc. But do something else if you'd rather. Just go.

You need to learn how to take care of YOU! That doesn't mean you are not taking care of your family.

Tonight, have a pizza in the oven awaiting hubby. When he arrives tell him you love him very much and last night you were happy to stay home because he needed it, but tonight you need to be away for awhile. Let him babysit while you go have that drink with a friend........ or coffee, or a movie, or a little fun on your own.

Oh my! I hear you!!!
Thank goodness for my prenatal appts.-it's the only time I get away!
Last Friday, I was so burned out-I thought I'd go mad.

And sometimes it doesn't matter how close family is...my parents live a mile away-in my neighborhood! And my in-laws live less than 15 minutes away.
But they have their own lives. (Just so you know that is not the missing ingredient to sanity.) ;)

We need to make a point to take mommy breaks. At LEAST once a week. For the betterment of all. :)

Wow, felt like I could have written this question!! Unfortunately, you need to find a way to be selfish. If money is tight, how is it your husband can afford to go out for a drink? Even just one drink plus tip is about $10. That's equal to a 10 minute chair massage for you!
Next time you get stuck in a situation like that, get creative. Have breakfast for dinner. Our family has pancakes, french toast, omelets or biscuits & gravy for dinner at least once or twice a month. Even if you had cold cereal, your kids are eating! Hand your husband a bowl and a box of Cheerios and say, "Sorry honey, but we had plans to go out to dinner so I didn't set anything out. This is what we have that is quick and easy." There HAS to be something out there for you to do that doesn't cost. Play groups, something. You need to find a friend or acquaintance. No neighbor or other mom from your son's class that you can connect with? You sound isolated, you need time outside of your home. But it's up to you to find it.
Sometimes staying at home sounds great in theory, but it isn't always all it's expected to be. Maybe get a part time evening job - 2 or 3 nights a week from say 6-10 pm, just to get out of the house and to give you a little extra pocket change. Being away for a little bit can make a big difference.

You should not loose you to the husband and the kids. Yes they are important but you have to live in the skin you are in.

While I understand you don't live near family, you must develop your village so you can get the breaks you so richly deserve. Leftovers are your friend. I always make certain have some kind of something I can throw in the microwave or stove that has been in the freezer. I also am the queen of recycling meals and of getting out of cooking.

You must take up some kind of hobby or get out of the house at least twice or more a month if not once a week.

Just leave hubby with the kids on his day off and be gone basically until you feel yourself sigh with relief or long to be with the family. It is good for children to see they are not the center of your world.

I'm sending you a huge hug. My prayers go out to you but I am really hoping and praying you find you again and get your ME time too.

Start going out one night every week or a day a weekend with friends or on your own. Do whatever you want -a movie, bookstore, shopping, sitting in a coffee shop and reading -whatever. Get some girlfriends and go out for drinks! Get some girlfriends and go away for the weekend. I would go INSANE if I didn't do these things, and when I was a SAHM it was even worse. I went out one or two evenings a week. If you have a good husband, he'll understand you need some time away and on your own.

Oh sweetie I so understand what you are going through! My husband traveled all the time when the kids were younger. He would be gone 3 weeks (home on weekends but working at the office), home a week then gone 3 weeks. It was so hard. I was not working at that time. So, I'm stuck at home with a 5 year old and a 1 year old. FUN, NOT!!! When Friday rolled around, I was ready for our out to dinner treat. He wasn't because he ate out all the time. At that point, I didn't care!!! I was so jealous that he had down time away from screaming, crying kids. It took a while for me to not be pissed at him all the time. I felt like he was out having fun and I was stuck at home with the kids. Not MY idea of a good time!!!

You definitely need ME time. I did my ME time several times a year. I would fly to Cleveland to visit my bff and then I would fly to visit my parents. He would take off and stay with the kids. That was great because he got to see how hard it was being a SAHM. You need balance and it is so hard.

Take a day, buy a trashy novel and go to the park and read it. Go to Barns and Noble and just sit and read. As you can tell, I LOVE to read!!

Just know that you aren't alone!!!

If it were me I would have still gone out to eat with the two little kids and left the big kid to fend for himself. Follow what the airlines say when offering in flight safety tips "in case of a change in cabin pressure, put your mask on first before trying to help your small child with his mask".

You are not alone. This is what I have been doing:

I put the kids in front of the computer (starfall), and have the 4 year old do the mouse, with the 2 year old watching. I then do Kickboxing! It feels great! I get all the frustration and anger out, and I am starting to not have an old man's butt for lower abs too!

But ya, it would be nice to have money to hire a mommy's helper. It would be nice to have some real ME TIME that wasn't interrupted every few minutes (some days my 30 minutes workout takes over an hour with all their interruptions!)

I guess I am like you. I rarely leave the kids with my hubby to go out with friends. I do a bi-monthly book club. That is about it. I have been going to the grocery store on the weekends and leaving the kids with him. It's nice to not have to deal with the toddler. But my hubby doesn't really get it. He just says "it's tough all over. You act as if my job is a holiday. it isn't." What he doesn't understand is the 24-7 with the non-stop annoyances of the small ones. My kids don't go to school either, so I am ALWAYS with them. I love them, and want to be with them, but a few hours every week without them would be nice.

If your husband gets to go out with friends after work, then he should come home and take over every once in a while so that you have the same privilege. You don't need a paid babysitter or hired help or grandma - you need a husband who recognizes that while you don't get paid for it, what you do all day is every bit as much work as what he does all day, and that, just like him, you need breaks some evenings. You support him by feeding him most nights and allowing him to go out after work without you. He needs to do the same for you. Surely the man knows how to open a can and use the microwave - tomato soup and grilled cheese sandwiches or a frozen pizza with a bagged salad should not be out of his reach. He can manage to feed the boys and himself without you, or to make dinner for the family once in a while. Let him know that there is nothing sexier than a man cooking dinner or washing dishes unasked or putting his babies to bed so that you can unwind with a glass of wine, and that there are rewards for allowing you to go out and spend time with friends, or alone. After all, if you are not overwhelmed and drained at the end of each day, he could benefit with more, um, quality time with you. ;-)

Spell it out for your husband. Let him know that you need him to say, "I want to take the kids XXX night so you can go spend some time with friends." because otherwise you will put it to the back burner. You need HIM to put your needs first so you will feel ok doing it.
Or, if you are the kind of person who can do it, tell your husband that on XXX night 2 times a month you WILL be leaving at 5:00 for some "Me" time, so that night the kids and dinner for them is up to him. You could phrase it nicely, but you'll also need to be very blunt and direct. Sometimes, guys just don't get what is involved in being the Mom. It helps my husband if I just go through the entire logistics of a couple days. He gets overwhelmed just listening to it.

Sounds like you need some time without the kids. Isn't your husband willing to take over for a bit while you go out, even if it is out by yourself? I hope so?

Have you thought about joining a moms groups (MOPS for example. You can google 'MOPS Fort Collins co' it and see if it is in your area and read about it to see if it interests you). The moms meet and talk about various thing going on in their life. The children are watched by other mom/grandma volunteers. It might not work with your daycare schedule. These groups usually have "moms night out" so your husband will need to watch the kids if you want to go to the night out.

Do you already have a network of mom friends? Could you trade off kids while you get some time for yourself?

Do you have enough in the budget to join the YMCA (or other gym)? They normally have a daycare area while you can workout.

I have 4 kids, the youngest is 15 and my standards for cleanliness, meals and general mothering have changed over the years. For example, I thought I had to cook from scratch to be a good mom. Most of the time I still do but there is such a thing as emotional health and being a happy mom is more important for my children's well-being than being super mom.

Here are some things I feel free to do now that I'd never considered before:

Having a freezer full of microwave meals from Costco and Trader Joes. Reasonably priced, cooked in 5 minutes, read the labels for healthy ingredients. Very little clean up. Pizza, potstickers, angus burgers, chicken nuggets. My kids love em, I get a handful of nuts for dinner and a long bath.

Only vaccuuming upstairs or downstairs or wherever the cat fur balls are rolling, and leaving the rest undone.

Combining driving errands and sometimes dropping kids off at school and activities early so they have to wait or study in the library, rather than making 2 trips to school so each boy gets there just in time for his first class.

Just saying no. No, I don't feel like going to the store today so we'll eat leftovers. No, that day is already busy so I'm keeping those last 2 hours to myself and not planning another activity. No, I don't feel like cleaning house so if someone wants to come over I hope they like cat hair.

You get the picture. You get to choose. You are worth taking some time for yourself. Schedule it, plan ahead, grab your book and lock the door for an hour or two. Enjoy.

My hubs works from home...but NEVER leaves! Unless it's to the school or soccer practice. I have tried to get him to do things for himself, go, gogogogogogo! I finally gave up and if he wants out of the house by himself he just needs to ask.

So I say...ask/tell your husband you need out of the house! I don't think he's a mind reader. You don't have to spend money to do something for yourself.

I understand your frustration. I'm a mama of 4, and I stay at home and this is spring break week and with exception to going grocery shopping on Monday with all 4 of them (the youngest is 10 months), I've been cooped up in the house all week and it's been beautiful outside but I've been home bound. Why? Because going out with all of my children takes planning. The baby is breast feeding and she's the last one to get ready as I want to be sure she is well fed and happy before the car leaves the drive way to ensure a quiet ride to wherever we end up. It's hard, I know. My house is a mess! At the end of the day, there is nothing left of me. I'm spent, exhausted and there is little to no time for me to do anything that is for me.