Hi mamas,
One of our family members wrote me today. After a few decades of remission, her doctors discovered that she has cancer that has spread to her spine. She is in her late 70s and is undergoing Chemo treatments. I don't know her very well (she's on my husband's side) so I'm at a bit of a loss as to how to respond. She has always been a loving, comfortable, kind person in our life and I'd like to extend support and warmth. Can ya'll give me some tips? If you have had cancer or someone you love has had cancer, what were supportive vs. unsupportive responses you received? What felt good to hear?
If it is public knowledge that she knows family will spread the info around...sending her a heartfelt card with words of affirmation and appreciation may just be what she needs at this time. I can't think cancer and chemo at any age is pleasant. Letting someone know how much you care is important.
Just tell her you are very sorry and that she will be in your prayers (heart, if non religious). Tell her you will be happy to talk with her or help her any time she needs... and follow that up with calling her or sending her a note every once in a while asking how she is doing. Chemo is very rough, makes you very sick and is painful. She would likely appreciate some cozy slippers or a bed robe, lotion, someone to come by and check on her, make her some homemade chicken soup, some crossword puzzles and company to keep her occupied, fresh flowers delivered to let her know someone is thinking of her, pictures your kids draw to send to her.
My dad had long, horrible battle with leukemia and died from it. He had a lot of friends/family who were so scared to say anything, that they said nothing and drifted away. He had 6 siblings and only 3 of them EVER talked to him. It was extremely hurtful and depressing to him, he didn't hear from his only brother for almost 7 years before he died. You don't have to understand or have the right things to say, just let her know you care and hope she has comfort.
Also, don't do false hope things like, "You will be fine", or "you will be alright"... b/c the truth is, she very well may not be, especially since she is in her late 70's. Maybe you can reach out to her and make a friendship with her. Talk about fond memories and such, just chit chat, get to know her history.
This may sound strange, but just tell her it sucks.
I've found that trying to say something 'comforting' feels to the person more like they have to comfort you because the situation is just awkard and uncomfortable. They often just want to hear it called as it is and it sucks. You're sorry, they don't deserve that and it sucks. You are there for whatever she needs, but it sucks. It may even make her laugh a bit.
I have a friend who's sweet little 5 yr old daughter is currently undergoing treatment for acute leukemia and she likes to say..."cancer sucks in it's own special way".
It really does. You can even get 'cancer sucks' t-shirts at the standupforcancer website.
I think it would be appropriate to say something like "I'm sorry to hear this. We are all keeping you in our thoughts and prayers and wishing you strength for each day through your treatments..."
If she is nearby, you could offer to do something specific for her, like do her grocery shopping, vacuuming, laundry, or deliver meals on specific days (so she knows when to expect them). Even though her appetite may be compromised, it is important that she gets proper nutrition. On chemo, she will likely be told to avoid uncooked (fresh) fruits and vegetables.
The most important thing is to respond. It was really shocking to me that so many people could not take the time to call or send me a note.
You might also check out this website for ideas:
http://www.1uponcancer.com/lung/
I wish I had known about the free housecleaning for women with cancer!
Also if you or she is a Christian, you might add "praying for you to have God's peace that is beyond understanding" to the other great suggestions you received.
What you said in your post would be a good thing to say. That your family has been touched by her because she is a loving kind supportive person. Also it is okay that to say you don't know what to say but you are very sorry about this news. Good suggestions from other posters! Use what seems to fit for you.
My very good friend's 19 year old daughter just died of cancer. We talked about it. She had t-shirts made that said Cancer Sucks! and guess what, it sure the hell does! Don't send an doom and gloom e-mail. Let her know that she has been a positive person in your life that this totally sucks and that you are thinking and praying for her. Continue to keep in contact. That is what I'm doing with my friend right now.
Just a card to say sorry to hear the news. Notwithstanding our miles of separation, you've always been a special person to us and you occupy a very special place in our hearts. Try to keep a positive attitude; we are thinking positive thoughts for you. And then maybe send her a edible arrangement every six weeks or so. My hubby and I sent them to a friend undergoing chemo. He really liked it because the fruit was easier for him to keep down than other things, it helped with dehydration and it reminded him that someone loved him!
Just as you said in your posting, write her and tell her how you see her and how valuable her life is to you although you don't see her very often.
A letter like that lifts the spirits. Send her some flowers or another gift she doesn't have to stash for a long time.
