My daughter and I talk and share alot. She told me that a girl she knows is sneaking out and drinking with someone else she knows. Should I alert the parents? I could just tell them that that particular boy has no parental supervision and is willing to pick up people who are willing to sneak out and I will be on the alert; and they should also because teenagers are crazy..but I am worried they will just say I told them and "is it true ?",to their daughter and then my daughter will be a squeeler. "What should I do?" I know them they are good aquintances. Their daughter is actually doing alot behind their back and I thought at least they could check and see if she is in bed before a cop comes to tell them something else bad and they think she is safe in bed.Normally I would not bother but I like the family.
I texted them that I had some gossip from the teen age spyline, I was trying to be funny. That I heard that this boy is willing to pick up teen agers that are willing to sneak out at night. And that I also heard he has been drinking and has no parental supervision and has moved into an apartment with a 20 something year old who buys the alcohol. I said my daughter is not allowed in the car with him due to his alcohol habits. I said I wanted the girls to be safe so I thought I should let them know what I heard and I hope I do not hurt anyones feelings, but I will be on the alert and so should they. So they made no reply. But from the grapevine I heard that their daughter was upset that they might find out it was true and she would be grounded but basically they handed the phone to her and said I texted them and is it true. She said of course not and they had a good laugh and said they do not like people who spread gossip. I know that is what was said because she told her best friend , who told another person who then told my daughter. I gotta admit I am a bit mad I thought they would just set the alarm and check up on her. But actually now that she has them fooled she will be shameless. I actually can not decide who is dumber now the girl or the parents. But it is off my chest and my daughter does not want to hang out with her anyway. It is a shame when parents do not unite. I had a opening for texting them because they texted me the other night wondering if it was true my daughter was hanging out with her. It was not and I called on my daughter who was with another friend and mom at a talent event to check. I called them back and relayed that she was not with them and that this boy is someone I no longer trust and I heard he may be drinking. Then he said to her(whom I had no idea was in the room when I called him) "So she says you were not with her "and the girl said "oh you misunderstood at first she was with us and then she left."I said oh I did not realise she was rigjht in the room just keep in mind what I said but do not tell her My girl told me about that guy drinking. I know exactly who my daughter was with and where for 100%. So that was the end of that. But looking back I can see we all want to believe that our kid is a puritan but some people are blind and I think lazy.I honestly feel like I will not bother even with people who are close. I never met anyone so far that does not stick there claws out when you are implying something might not be as they think. That is why I normally do not do this. I am dissappointed and seriously hope they catch her in the act before it is too late.I just realised they did what I was worried they would do...Oh, well.Oh and thank-you for your support. I know I am pouting a bit . It would be nice not to feel like they made me into the person doing something wrong. If I was the neighbor I would have rung their phone and told them when she was sneaking out myself.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! So what if she thinks you're a squeeler. She's eventually appreciate it. My daughter told me something about a friend of hers and we talked to the parents. They were VERY gracious when we told them and the young man is doing great now. We're parents. This is what we do.....
my dd told me about a friend who was sneaking with bf to a house with no parental supervision, having sex, etc. You bet we told. DH called up teh girls father and they had a heart to heart. We had known the family for years, but you bet parents need to help each other.
I would definitely relay the information in some way. I like the idea of talking to the guidance counselor. It would be so easy for the counselor to call the parent and be completely honest: "A student who knows your daughter is concerned. She said that your daughter is sneaking out and drinking with friends on occasion. I don't know if it is true, but I wanted you to be aware."
I think going the counselor route would be the safest way for you to go about it. If you don't think the counselor will follow through, then I would tell the parents about "a rumor."
Good luck to you!
Since you don't want to involve your daughter you could say something like you overhear a group of kids talking about sneaking out of the house and drinking and their daughter's name was mentioned. That way it'll be up to them as to what they want to do with this information. If you straight out tell them they could get defensive and angry.
Please tell them. If you can't face doing that, at least talk to the guidance counselor. Maybe she will tell them. A kid died in front of our neighbor's house 3 years ago who ran into a tree from drinking and driving. It was terrible. You never know when you might save a life.
Dawn
The best thing you can do is catch her in the act - this way your daughter is not a tattle tale/squealer. I am not sure if you are neighbors or not....if you are....If your daughter knows when it will happen - then be on the lookout - and call the family and say - hey - something funny just happened...I just saw Janey get into a car...was I mistaken?
If you know the family well - then I would not even bring up my daughter told me - just state - you've heard rumors that their daughter is sneaking out with Johnny and you are concerned for her safety. Gosh - I hope it's JUST a rumor, but I wanted you to know.
It all depends upon if you are neighbors and how well you know the family. If you volunteer at the school - it might be easy for you to say you overheard kids talking and were concerned....
Good luck!
Hi M.-
Several years ago, when my oldest daughter was about 14, I was (truly) dusting in her room, and came across a note to a friend of hers regarding 'cutting'. It was evident from the note that my daughter knew her friend was doing this...and was trying to 'help' her friend.
My daughter was initially VERY angry with me...and accused me of 'snooping'...(I was not...but having seen what I saw...HAD to address it). I discussed it with my daughter...and arranged a time for both my daughter and myself to talk to her friends mom. It was awkward to say the least. The mom was in denial at first...and many tears later for ALL of us....there seemed to be some 'movement'.
For a long while my daughter and her friend's relationship was strained...BUT...the mom got her kiddo into therapy...and things improved all around over time.
My daughter is now 20...and she (and friend) are both juniors in different colleges...they are still in touch...and see each other sometimes over breaks...
I used this as a 'teachable' moment...NO ONE should feel obligated to keep a secret when someone is in a great harms way.
I would tell...and I would expect the 'worst' in terms of hurt feelings...and 'noses out of joint'...
BUT...in the longer term...you might prevent something very much more serious and devastating from happening...
Just MY opinion!
best luck!
michele/cat
Since you know this family well, I would tell the parents, and ask them to please be discreet since this is something your daughter told you in confidence. I'm assuming with this knowledge, they could catch her in the act, and their daughter will not assume anyone else told them, but rather that they simply caught her climbing back in the window!
Think of it this way - suppose this boy she's meeting has been drinking and they get in a car accident on the way back home. Would you ever be able to forgive yourself if you knew, but didn't say anything? Drinking poses all kinds of safety risks for teens. Tell the parents.
You have to tell them. Say that if it were you, you would want them to tell you.
Big question to help answer yours.
What if this child died because of it?
How would you feel both now and for many years? Find a way to draw this teen out on their own. Maybe late at night take a gift over to her house that the parents will want to give her right then after you have made a dinner date or something to befriend them better.
A relative has died in our realm cause no one took it seriously.
I would NOT let your daughter be the squealer. My oldest was put in that position everytime the teachers didn't know who was lying. She got so bullied we had to switch schools and she was 9!
I have a 16 year old and I would want to know so I could help guide her!
That is a tricky one. We've always told the kids that they could tell us anything and we would hold their confidence, UNLESS someone was in danger or they were doing something illegal.
When my 16 year old daughter had a friend making poor choices she felt she couldn't tell me because she knew I would say something, which I would have. Sad thing is, this girl was drunk enough at 9 am to throw up on herself in the middle of class and she was kicked out of school. This was last spring. My daughter was upset because things had been going on for like 3 years and because the other girl knew my daughter wouldn't approve hid it from her. So my daughter felt like she had been lied to.
Anyway, I did send an email to the mom and told her I was sorry for the events and if I would have known, I would have told her. She was devastated and had no clue her daughter was in such trouble.
I realize kids have been sneaking out and drinking forever. *Just because I didn't, I had friends that did. But it truly is a different world now.
I agree with the other 2 posts that you don't have to name names. My kids actually lived in fear of "the Mommy Grapevine!" Just like a good reporter, I don't reveal my sources and you don't either.
yes, you should absolutly tell the parents, I am only 19, and I did stupid stuff like that when I was younger, I put myself in a lot of stupid situations as well, tell the girls parents your concerns with their daughter knowing that your daughter told, and hopefully they will understand and respect that. It is for her own well being, you should also give your daughter lots of praise for telling you, I can only imagine that would be very hard for a teenager! kudos!
find a way to tell anonymously, you may save the her life!!
You did the right thing to tell them though I wouuld have done it verbally, either in person or on the phone, instead of in a text -- that allowed them to hand it right to their child and have their laugh about it. But you were right to alert them. They were jerks and will pay a price when their kid is arrested, or worse, when she's in the car and that boy drives them all into a light pole.
Right now I'd focus on your daughter -- Is there a chance she may get hassled by this girl, the driver boy, or others for "tattling" to you? It will absolutely get around that your daughter told you and you told the parents, because the girl in question will undoubtedly tell others or even confront your daughter. Be sure your child is, first, physically safe from these dumb kids, and second, that she is mentally strong and has a response PREPARED if they hassle her: "I tell my mom things because it's the right thing to do. You're going to get yourself killed, or someone else." Or whatever response works for her - and then she must walk away. I would hate for her to be bullied or worse for doing the right thing, and I would hate for her to clam up and stop telling you things because she got hassled over doing so this time. Have a long, serious, praise-filled talk with her about her behavior and tell her she needs to always talk to you and be open. She may save someone's life!
Oh Heck YES.
I have a 15 year old and I would want to know.
Will they "slay the messenger"? Maybe. But it will alert them and hopefully spur them to become more alert to their child's actions.
If I knew something like that about my son's friends I would willingly tell the parents and not worry about the consequences to me.
Please tell them.
God Bless
Think hard on what you are going to say. Pretend it was another mother telling you that it was your daughter sneaking out and drinking. How would you want them to word it so you could handle it? Say what you think you could handle. But think long and hard first, it's a touchy subject that will have repercusions..... even tho it's the right thing to do.
You should absolutely tell the parents! It's not about being a squeeler. It's about looking out for the best interest of the child (a teenager is still this family's child). God forbid something terrible should happen and you knew that there was trouble but failed to say something.
I have a teenager. She is happy. She is open and honest. My husband and I keep a close eye on her and her peers, not because I don't trust her but because I know that opportunity to sin is out there.
I know how I acted when I was young. My parent's struggled to keep me guarded and safe. Sentimentality is not an option when it comes to my children's protection.
And I would hope that someone would tell me if my child was sneaking out and drinking... so that I could help them.
Tell them in private. Tell them with tact. I'm sure that it will not be a total surprise to them.
OMG are you kidding! Of course you should tell them! If it was your daughter doing the sneaking out and drinking, wouldn't you want to know? Wouldn't you be completely upset at the other parents if you found out they knew and didn't tell you? When I was a teen, I had a very naive mother and no dad in the home. I snuck out all of the time and did a lot of drinking. That was in the 80's. Now, teens face much more dangerous things when they sneek out. I would have had a royal teenage fit if my mom "found out" and punished me, but looking back, I know I needed more boundaries and I am so lucky nothing ever happend to me. It could have. There were a lot of close calls. We drove drunk frequently. Hopped in cars with boys we barely knew. Ended up at parties were drugs and sex were all around. I had a friends car stolen from me because I was passed out at a party and a jerk took my keys off the counter and took my car (on loan from a friend) to Chicago.... I would tell the parents in a parent-to-parent meeting and mention that you'd rather not have their daughter know where the information came from. However, if she does find out.. maybe that is not so bad. Your daughter cares about her friend and her friend is engaging in dangerous behavior. If her friend can't see that it is done out of love an caring, then maybe she isn't a good friend to have. She may not be the best influence on your daughter. That said, I know that the teenage social circles are complex and friendships broken can spill into the entire social circles at school and involve cyber-bullies and all sorts of stress. I just have to go back to thinking that if my daughter was sneaking out and drinking, I'd want to know about it.
Thanks for telling them- sorry they did not take it seriously. I would want to know if it was one of my kids. You did the right thing
If they are friends of yours you do not want them to know that you have a dirt on their daughter - that may ruin the friendship. I found out that people are not very receptive when you start pointing out their children's flaws. On the other hand, you do not want the teenager you know get in trouble. Hence, I would recommend an anonymous note or a letter to them plainly stating the issue. Let them get to the bottom of it themselves.
You absolutely did the right thing. I dealt with similar situations (not quite as severe-but pointing out a flaw in a child) as a teacher and many of the parents didn't want believe that their child could do any wrong. It is a shame. If they would only think back to when they were younger. We all lied to our parents at some point during our childhood. My 6 yr old is already working on the lies. It is a child's duty to test the boundries with their behavior, sneaking out, lying, even drinking. It is the parent's duty to make sure the child knows the boundries are firmly in place and certain behaviors will have consequences. It does take a village and I think kids knowing that others are looking out for their best interests and making sure they are safe, makes them feel safer in the long run.
Keep up the good work. It would be nice if there were a time that you knew the girl was sneaking out and you could go to the parents to give the girl something.
Just have faith in knowing you did the right thing and the parents of this girl are risking her wellbeing. Don't let this stop you from speaking up next time. There are those of us out there that want to know what our kids are doing behind our backs, especially if it is unsafe. I would want to know.
Also, make sure your daughter has what it takes to deal with any repercussions. Keep her safe, too.
