I Know I Shouldn't Be Mad but I Am....

You're justified in my opinion. Tell him exactly how you feel (calmly) and WHY you feel that way. Trust me. He won't understand unless you explain every little detail. He probably doesn't even know you're mad. And likely doesn't think there's a reason why you would be.

Yeah, I think he can use his free pass another day. Today he needs to step up and be a PARENT. Since the other PARENT is working. Geez.

:(

"It reminds me that how as a husband he has failed me". Yikes.

It's time for a chat about communication and priorities. You may have forgiven his thoughtlessness during your labor/delivery, but you have not forgotten it or moved past it.

You are absolutely correct in saying that couples can fight and work things out, as most of us do. However, most of those couples who can argue effectively (there is such a thing) would probably not think that their spouse has failed them.

You say a lot here, but I just can't get past "he failed me as a husband". Maybe a poor choice of words, but you two need to have a long talk (probably several) about priorities and how to best communicate with one another (texting?).
- Finances
- Schedules
- Roles/Responsibilites
- Parenting
- Couple time (this one should be higher up)

Talking about these things mid-argument is useless. Using accusing words won't work, playing the "I give more than you do" card won't work either. Having an "I'm feeling frustrated and I know you must be too, so let's talk about a few things" talk works for us every time.... then again, I'm a pshrink so maybe you would consider that therapy?

I certainly don't think you need couples counseling! LOL

I feel a lot like you at times. I work PT as well and it seems that since my hours are flexible, anything "extra" or out of the norm falls to me.

Sometimes you have to stand your ground....and make your point.

Marriage and parenthood are partnerships. He can golf another day. (And this is from a woman whose husband was on a golf vacation when her water broke! lol)

Well you may or may not need counseling but there is obviously a real problem here.
It seems that you are frustrated, angry and upset that your husband doesn't appreciate all that you do, and that he puts himself before you and your girls more often than not. I can see why you'd be upset!
But, to quote Dr. Phil, "we teach people how to treat us."
When you met and fell in love, was he thoughtful, attentive and sensitive to your needs, or did you just expect him to grow up and mature once he became a husband and father?
I think a date night is in order, and I think you need to have a long, calm, heart to heart with him. Tell him how you feel, how much it hurts when he doesn't acknowledge everything you do, especially on your special days (birthday, anniversary.)
You can't expect him to "get it" as long as you allow yourself to continue being a doormat. He is a parent too. You two need to come to some kind of agreement about the division of parental responsibilities that works for both of you, and your girls. If you can't figure this out on your own, then yes, you need counseling.

Your title of this is "I know I shouldn't be mad but I am...." why? Why shouldn't you be mad? You should be mad. In fact if I was you I'd be down right pissed. Your husband sounds like an inconsiderate, selfish, child. But in his defense it sounds like he's been allowed to act that way so why would he think any different. I am not trying to be mean at all...I'm just saying he's gotten away with making you rearrange your life for his so he thinks this is no big deal. Well it is a big deal.

You scheduled these appts and that is what is planned for that day. He can do golf another day. He needs to learn that he has responsibilities. I don't care if Tiger Woods is going to be playing with him and giving him pointers...he already had plans...and that was to take his children to the dentist. Plus a round of golf isn't an ALL day thing anyhow.

Anyhow- you need to tell to tell him exactly what you told us. He needs to learn to GROW up and be fair. Good luck.

My opinion is that you need to get to the root of the problem in your marriage. Go to a counselor and get all these issues on the table. You obviously haven't forgiven him about the hospital thing if you are bringing it up again. Your feelings are your feelings. Stop judging yourself for having them. Its ok to feel however you feel!!! But I would defintely voice your feelings to your hubby in therapy or when you two are alone---its not healthy to hold resentments and unforgiveness. Forgiveness is for you. to heal you. Work towards that and move forward.

M

I'd tell my husband -- too bad about the golf, you need to take the girls to the dentist. If he gives you lip - tell him to take responsibility as a Father over being with the boys - it's what a man would do.

I'm being completely straight and honest... if my husband were to act like that, he'd know right away it's not ok and I would not accept that behavior from him. Thankfully, my husband knows I'm the dominant in our household.

This is not about the dentist's appointment. It's about a pattern of feeling taken advantage of, being ignored, never made to feel special (e.g. Mother's Day, birthday). You are torn between "keeping the peace" and "being a piece" - you are working more hours and feeling ignored/taken advantage of. Part of it is that you do ALL the work of scheduling and rescheduling, so he's developed some bad habits. But you two need to reconnect and find a way to express your needs. If he has failed you as a husband, and I see that he has, then dentist appointments are the least of the problems - they are just another symptom. You need to figure out why you keep accommodating to him and allowing yourself to be hurt and taken advantage of. Yes, some couples work it out with a fight (or a discussion) where both feel heard and both are committed to making life better for the other. Couples who can't do this actually benefit from counseling because there is a neutral party to both guide the discussion and let each one feel that they are heard. Whatever you are doing now isn't working, so you need to do something else.

I think you're justified, actually. You have every right to expect your husband to take on the responsibility of being a father to his kids and picking up the slack on parenting duties. That means putting aside and rescheduling things like golfing for later in the day. He's their parent too. That means sacrificing when it's needed.

When you tell him how you feel, use "I" statements and don't go on the attack. Tell him what you expect from him. What you expect him to do, how you expect him to behave, etc. You EXPECT him to take the kids to their dental appointments when you can't be there. You EXPECT him to reschedule his plans and put his daughter first because her cracked tooth is causing some problems. You EXPECT that he's not going to complain about following through. You EXPECT that you can do some family activities. You EXPECT that he's going to put some effort into the marriage WITH you, such as going on a date night, to help relieve the stress for both of you.

You need to reconnect as a couple and as a family. So your expectations need to reflect that. If you tell him straight out what you want, ie. spending time together and being treated in a special way, he should respond to that.

EDITED: Ok, it feels like you added a ton of stuff, so I'm just going to say that your husband behaves the way he does because he's been allowed to. What you're doing right now isn't working and that means you ought to try counseling. What could it hurt? You fight and work things out for once?

I also didn't realize that you're the one with Porno Husband. You're putting so much blame on your husband but your not really taking your share of it. You're not a martyr or a victim. Don't let him "victimize" you. He's an adult so EXPECT him to act like one. Enact consequences. Show your children how couples can work things out without one parent being a victim, but with both parents being proactive. You're not being proactive.

I think you need to tell your husband just How upset you are about this, this specific incedent and how you need him to be there for you. then maybe you guys can sit down and work out some stuff,
talk about parenting and whose job it is to stay home when kids are sick, who will take to dentist etc, write it down. then you both need to come up with a plan on how you will get out of debt- make sure you both are down with the plan.

If I got his text, I would slap him the next time I saw him. SERIOUSLY? Golf over his daughters heath AND helping out HIS WIFE.
Bless your soul, because I know I could never be with anyone that selfish. I learned from my ex. I'm glad I learned that lesson, but boy I think I'm going to be single for a while because all I ever meet are the selfish idiots.
I seriously think you need to bring this up to his attention that it is a stupid match of golf, it CAN be rescheduled, your daughters health can't be put off, and he needs to actually grow a pair and become a man!!
Good luck!

I don't think your husband said golf is more important than the dental appointment. He only asked if you could reschedule. The rest you put in there, perhaps because of stress?

Take a deep breath and tell him what you told us, about your concerns.

What do you expect? You're the only grown-up in the house.

Until you sit down with your husband/manchild and tell him how you feel and tell what needs to change, you'll be singing this sorry song.

good luck.

And don't poo poo counseling. Good marriage counselors teach couples how to talk to one another and actually hear what the other person says. A counselor doesn't solve your problems, but gives you tools so you can solve your problems.

That tooth should have been seen immediately. It never should have waited long enough to change colors.

Your husband is irresponsible as so many men are. How much you are willing to fight to change that is up to you.

The man didn't want to be at the hospital with you, and he doesn't want to be responsible for taking your child to the dentist, because he'd rather golf. Sounds like he's still the same person, to me.

It does sound like you could benefit from some outside help. You, yourself, said he has failed you as a husband. This is not about the dentist appointment, or golf, this is about him still being immature & self absorbed & you being resentful about it. It sounds like your fighting is not leading to "working things out". On the contrary, it sounds like your DH is still as selfish as he was before & does not put your family first.

I understand your frustration, but he's not going to change until he wants to change, or you put your foot down. So long as there are no consequences for his behavior, he will keep doing the same thing. Have you told him what you told us? Does he know how hurt & disappointed you are in how he prioritizes his life?

Why don't you just plan yourself a day and/or night out & let him deal with the kids? He feels free to take his time, why aren't you doing the same? You have to make it happen & make the time for yourself. Take some initiative in that area.

I continue to be beside myself when I see how many women put up with partners that don't want to act like they're married with a family.

You have carried the ball way too long and now want to pass it to him, but he doesn't seem interested in running with it. Same thing happened with me, so you aren't alone. Because you work part time, I would bet he thinks your job isn't as important and thus the reason for his actions. No matter how much I told my husband that we both work, yet I still do the majority around the house and kid responsibility as a whole and would need more help from him, it actually took a counselor to say "well, she gives the kids bath every weekend, do you think you can take on that responsibility at least once per week" for him to finally "get it". Same thing with cooking dinner. (He now cooks three times a week, but only because the counselor suggested it).

So, if you haven't given counseling a shot, it might be worth it. If not, hold your ground and let him know that you can't take off and the kids need to see the dentist.

Good luck.

I don't think you need counseling either. :) I think you need a date night with your husband to reconnect. You need to express your thoughts and concerns to him before you resent him for playing golf/video games/his work schedule. It seems that you can tolerate a lot from him and hey, we all reach a breaking point. Some can tolerate more than others. Mine is pretty low. :( I would not give him a choice about taking the girls to the dentist. He can arrange his T time around their appointment. You can T off at any time of the day morning, afternoon, even the evening. He CAN do both and you should let him know that.

Best of Luck! I would also recommend you take a sick day just all for YOU!

I think I would be irritated, but most likely would just reschedule the appt. just not to cause a fight and stress about. Just me tho.

Is it hard to reschedule or is there a wait or something? like I said I would be irritated to, just wouldn't want it to ruin my day.

Hope your day gets better tho...

OH wow! First of ALL....You are a wonderful mother and I'm sure you're a terrific wife! Sounds like...your husband is falling into that "other" category. Video games? Golf? Where are his priorities and responsibilities. I used to(and maybe still) drop everything to take care of my family....and it's not fair. Delegate! Tell your husband that he has to take the twins to their appointment. He can golf later that day or another day.

I'm sorry that you had to beg him to stay with you at the hospital....my ex husband had planned for his coworker to come by the hospital(I was thinking he was there to congratulate us, he probably was....), but he was there so that my ex and him can go to the strip club. I couldn't get a hold of my ex the whole night....until.....12pm the following day.

Anyhow, put your foot down. I've learned that you can only handle so much until your health is in jeopardy. Good luck Mama!

He's probably been planning this golfing event for a long time with his friends and doesn't want to change his plans last minute. Can you get a grandparent pr other relative to take your children? I had to do this when I had two things scheduled on the same day and realized it last minute.

For the moment, I would suggest this:

Tell him that you understand that he deserves to have a fun day with friends, as every person/parent does. But that your daughter's tooth is injured and that it needs to be sooner rather than later (after the tooth dies and she's in pain all the time, for example!) and that you cannot take the time off work, so it's up to him to take her. Tell him you understand that it's a raw deal for him, but this time it's his turn to step up because you can't.

Then, immediately after the appointment, thank him genuinely for doing it (even if he was a grump and a butt about it--don't mention that part). Tell him you appreciate him being a good parent and father even when its not fun.

A couple days after that, after you've cooled off and can talk to him without going off and/or being super emotional (I say this bec. in my experience, guys hate it when we women are "emotional"), tell him that you want to talk to him about scheduling time for you do something fun for YOU. That you realized one reason you got so upset about the golfing/dentist thing was because you feel like you often have to give up your time and change your schedule at the last minute to accomodate the family, but you often feel like your family, and your husband, don't appreciate your Herculean efforts to make it all work. But that it's not their fault necessarily---that you've decided (and say this with a smile! :) is that instead of getting mad about and expecting them to think of you, you are going to tell them, including DH, what you need and make time to do fun stuff and destress.

Unfortunately, men so often don't think about it. They just don't. I think they are just not wired the same way. I've gotten into this angry/resentful cycle, a lot of times because instead of saying/telling/asking for what I need, I expect my DH to somehow psychically know, without me telling him. But this is not how he works--he can be oblivious (in a harmless, but occasionally infuriating way), and I need to point blank tell him what I need/want from him or for myself. For me, the key is to the telling/asking without being combative or sarcastic or angry, and remembering that I love him and he loves me.