I Have One Child. I Want Another. but I Cant.

Where's One and Done to answer this one? I have one child and I don't plan to have anymore. I am a single mom and so many people say that I will meet someone and want more. They are probably wrong. I love only having one. It's like you said, there is the time. I can attend anything he needs for me and not have to worry. I feel like I would be unfair to have another (if I were in a place to) as I don't think I could handle it. I like just having one.

As for any negative stories about being an only child I don't know any. All I can say is that there is no promise that siblings will be close. I have 2 and we don't talk all that much. No animosity, but we simply are not close.

It's hard for you right now b/c she's only 2. My son is 6 and in school and it is GREAT. I nanny for a 5 month old baby and his older sister and I can't imagine having a baby. They are fun, but wow... we've gone on some field trips and I forgot all the gear you have to bring!!! It solidifies the fact for me that I don't want to do that again.

Since my son is older we are planning vacations and things we wouldn't be able to afford if I had more kids. There are many pros to an only child!!! I hope other Mamas have great advice for you!! Best Wishes!

I was an only child. I loved being a only child. I have friends who are like sisters to me. I haven't felt lonely -- ever. (In fact, when my mom and dad passed away, I didn't have to fight with anybody over their care/will/money, etc.)

I have two daughters -- one biological and the second adopted. I couldn't get pregnant a second time and had unexplained infertility. Think about adopting sometime. It's a beautiful thing.

Mommy:

I'm sorry - your post is VERY hard to read - paragraphs and spell check are your friends! :) if there is a squiggly line under a word - right click on it - and get the right word there. It really does help.

This is what I get from your post - you have a lot of issues. you are afraid....EVERY pregnancy is different. Just because you had preclampsia with one does NOT mean you will for the next.

PPD? Well - since you know you are prone to it - your OB/GYN can be proactive and work with you on it.

My first child was an only child until she was 14. She is fine. I don't know who told you horror stories about "only children" - yeah - SOME only children have a hard time sharing - but there are A LOT of other children with siblings who have the SAME problem. If you are looking for excuses to not have more - then great - we can help you come up with hundreds of excuses.

If you are looking for someone to say - just do it - then just do it. Talk with your husband and your doctor. Just because you had it with one, does NOT mean you will have it with another. COMMUNICATE with your doctor - see what he/she says and go from there. Information is knowledge. Knowledge is forearmed. USE IT.

I also have an only, and it's great. Like Eve, I haven't heard any negative stories about onlies, from kids or adults. My daughter is almost 12 and is a happy and social little girl.

I had pre-eclampsyia with her and had some MAJOR complications because of it. For us it was simple- my daughter needs a mother more than we need another child. Make sense? I'm not going to risk my life to give her something that I think she needs.

I'm sure you'll hear lots of stories from ladies telling you that having a sibling doesn't guarantee anything. I have SO many friends who are not close at all with their sibs. Normal childhoods, nothing bad happened, they just aren't close.

I know it's easier said than done, but enjoy your daughter and the benefits of having an only. And if you really feel you need another, adopt.

You really should discuss the medical issues with your OB/GYN.

As for the only child issues. There are only issues if you make them!
We have an only. I love having O.. (Our choice.) I wouldn't want it any other way.

Good luck!

I am just going to say that just because this happened doesn't mean it will again. I can vouch for that. EVERY pregnancy is different. You never, ever know how it will go until you go throught it. I had two wonderful pregnancies and one that I never ever wish to experience again! horrible pregnancy and hospitalized for weeks in ICU afterwards.

It is a huge decision to make either way! My hubby was an only child and he begged to have more then one...he couldn't bare the idea of having our oldest be an only child...we love our decision but it might not be the right one for you and yours.

You find the love to go around. If you think you can handle 2 kids, then keep thinking about it. Onlies do not have to be miserable. If you are not 100%, then wait.

My sister is in your boat. She says she has a 25% chance of having it again. That's a 75% chance she won't and her OB will watch her like a hawk. Her DH is scared. She's not. Another friend had pre-e with their first and had 2 healthy sons after that who were full-term.

You can also build your family other ways, like through adoption or surrogacy, if the concerns about your health are too great.

You should really talk to your doctor about the risks of pre-eclampsia in a second pregnancy. I developed pre-eclampsia when I was pregnant too, and my perinatologist told me that my risk in a second pregnancy was only slightly higher than if I'd never had pre-e. You will be at risk for PPD again, but if you already know you're at risk, you can take steps to combat it as soon as you deliver.

Again... talk to your doctor. You're putting up a lot of fences that might not be necessary.

You're not necessarily more likely to have pre-E again with a second pregnancy, but you have to discuss that with your doctor based on your medical history.

A heart is made to love. Love does not divide with more children. It grows. The human heart has the incredible capacity to love endlessly and find ways to make anything work for those it loves. Your daughter will not suffer in any way if she has a sibling.

However, if you're happy with one child then don't have more. If you're having more anxiety and displeasure over the though of having another child than the feeling that you're missing a family member, that ought to tell you something.

All the 2nd children in my family were disasters.
Growing up with my younger sister was pure torture.
I just turned 50 and my scalp is still desensitized from all the hair pulling she did.
My husband is an only child and loves it.
Our son is an only child and really loves how he never had to share my lap with any sibling.
I wish I was an only child and my sister is driving our mother to a heart attack with all the drama she attracts.
An only child can be a wonderful blessing as long as you view it that way.
When you are done with potty training, you'll never have to go through that again.
When there are activities and plays and sports and concerts, you don't have to pick and choose which events to go see and you can afford what ever your child wants to be in.
Sometimes in life we're about as happy as we make up our minds to be.

I don't know where you heard terrible stories about being an only child. In my experience there was nothing wrong with it. I had plenty of friends to socialize with and possibly had more experiences because I was the only one. My husband was an only child until his mother remarried when he was 8. Then he had a step brother who was only around on the weekends and one night a week. Our son who is almost 10 is an only child. It was our decision to have just one. I also had preclamsia and yes that was part of the decision.
I hope this helps.

I wanted 2, but could only have 1 due to age and lack of $$ to go through in vitro again.

Looking back, 1 was probably the right number for me. Not sure I could have handled 2.

I have mentioned to numerous parents my wish to have 2 and so many of them have rolled their eyes and told me how difficult it has been with that 2nd one, how it has not been the harmonious family they were dreaming of and how their kids fight. Obviously, that is not the case for many other families, but something to keep in mind. Two children might not turn out to be your ideal vision.

In the meantime, I'm arranging a lot of playdates and trying to foster good friendships for my son, to make up for the lack of the sibling.

Best of luck!

The best reason to have a second child is that you want to parent a second child. Because experiences vary, you will never know whether a sibling is best for your child, so don't do it mainly for that reason.

That said, your obgyn can tell you if the risks are serious. Our children came to us through adoption, so you do have other options.

I had blood clot issues after having my daughter by c-section and I've been told it would be highly risky for me to get pregnant again, so we are done. And I am okay with that. Sure, I've wondered if it would be good to give my daughter a full sibling (my stepsons are her half-brothers and they are much older - she is now 4 and they are late teens) but the chance that I could die and leave her without a mother makes me realize that it is not worth the risk. Better she grow up without a sibling than without a mom (and the sibling could be lost too).

Being honest with myself, I am a better mom to one child than I probably would be to two. I feel like my daughter takes up enough of my energy and resources and while I love her more than life itself, I am also a little selfish - I admit, I like that she goes to preschool 4 mornings a week now and next year she will be in kindergarten and I have some time to myself instead of another little one to have to chase after. And money is not as much of an issue, when it comes to signing her up for activities, or taking a vacation, or paying for private school, or saving for college.

In my opinion, all the horror stories you have heard about only children are probably myths. It comes down to parenting and how well you parent, not how many kids you have. My daughter has no problems sharing or getting along with others - she is, I would say, privileged without being spoiled. Also, history shows that some of our most successful people (i.e. U.S. Presidents, leaders of industry, etc.) were often only children. I've seen only children that were awesome kids. I've seen kids with siblings that still acted like brats. Nothing is a guarantee of anything.

I will probably always wonder about having a second, and what that might have been like, and you may too, but I've also come to accept that whatever is meant to be will be. God has a plan for everyone and if his plan is for you, or me, to only have one child, and to put all of our effort and resources into that one child, than so be it. Remember too that not all siblings grow up to be best friends, or even especially close, as adults. I have to admit too, dealing with my 2 stepsons, who are very close in age, really turned me off to the idea of having a second. The bickering and arguing and sibling rivalry was non-stop! Drove me insane!

Actually, that's incorrect about pre-eclasmpsia.
I had it with my first, and had no issues at all with my second, 2 yrs later.

When I expressed concern early on, my OB told me that it's highly unlikely that you develop PE after the first pregnancy.
Turns out he was right...for me, at least.

I know others in that have had the exact same circumstances.

I'm an only child, and I always swore that - God willing - I wouldn't "do" that my kid. I didn't know any different growing up. But now, as an adult...it's lonely. And when my parents pass....I won't have anything left from my childhood. My mother was the same. I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

As a teacher, I have seen very confident, successful only children and I have seen the spoiled, entitled only children. It is all in the way you raise them.
See what her personality is and encourage the positives and do not reward the negatives.

Make sure she has friends over so she learns to share her personal belongings as well as your attention. As she grows, get her involved in groups so she learns to be social with her age group. It disheartens me when I see sheltered only children become socially awkward because they can only relate to their parents' adult friends.

For you, what you decide to dwell on will determine your attitude. Any time a thought comes into your head, replace it with a thought about how blessed you are to have what you have. I noticed you already did that in your post. There are so many advantages to having an only child.

Obviously only you and your husband can make this decision, but I wanted to let you know that I, also, had pre-eclampsia with my first pregnancy but no sign of it at all during my other three pregnancies. This is a slight increase in risk, but that doesn't mean you definitely will get it.

I'm an only child and turned out fine. We are in the same boat. We can't have any more children either. I'm happy with just one son, because I don't think we can afford another child. We have talked about adoption but haven't made any definite decisions.

I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through this internal struggle. I'm surprised you have heard terrible things about only children. I know a lot of people who have only one child and I know adults (closely) who are only children. There are areas of life that are lacking for them but there are benefits too. You should protect your health first (your 2 year old needs you to be around...emotionally as well). Can you adopt or foster? I know it's not cheap but something to consider.

I had eclampsia also. I was not planning on having another child anyway due to my age but the dr. never said anything about the risk of having another. My daughter spent 72 days in NICU and is a fine healthy child now. My niece had eclampsia the same year (what are the odds). Her child was not premature at birth-she had the problems after birth. But she went on to have another child 2 yrs later with no problems.
As for the mental, all I can say is pray for the answer. Think of the present and future for your child-you might can spend more time with them/give them more but what about when they are older and want a sibling to lean on? But if you do have another and they are so extreme, they don't get along and years from now, don't speak to each other. So the only answer is to pray-God knows what he has in store for you and how many kids he wants you to have.
I came from a family of 6, had 2 girls and would have had more if I would have met my husband when younger! But God set it up that way for me.

My children are 6.5 years apart. I was overwhelmed with child #1 for the first couple years, then when we started trying, we had infertility issues for another 4 years. But now I have a one year old, I am an older mommy (42), and I'm so glad I kept trying and got the medical intervention we needed to conceive. I also had preclampsia with #1, but my doc told me that the risk decreases with subsequent pregnancies, that it is usually a first time mommy disorder. The only complication I had with #2, was high blood pressure the last month of my pregnancy, and needed bed rest for a couple weeks.

The decision should first be made between you and your husband. Then, if you decide you want to have a second child, discuss it with your OB/GYN. If you have a good doctor who will take good care of you, then your pre-eclampsia (IF you even get it with the second) can be managed.

I had pre-eclampsia with my first pregnancy and a difficult delivery/post-delivery experience. I was told my chances of it happening with my second were about 15%. I ended up having a worse case with my second and had to deliver my baby at 36 weeks. I was in the hospital for a week following my delivery. On my way out the door, I asked my OB/GYN if this was "it" for me, meaning I had to stop at two. He laughed and said "Of course not! You can have another one if you want. We know what to expect with your pregnancies." My doctor takes very good care of me and watches me closely, so I know I'll be in good hands if we ever decided to have a third child. So get the advice of your doctor.

As for the only child issue, I don't know of any horror stories and I think for every positive or negative story you hear, there's an opposite one to counter it. I knew I had plenty of love to give another child, though at first I was afraid that I would be robbing my first son of my time, attention and love. That was not the case! It's true what they say... you love all of your kids with the same about of love, but you love each one differently. My older son absolutely adores his baby brother. It's comforting to me to know that my boys have each other. Who knows what their relationship will be like when they're older, but when my husband and I are gone, they will at least still have family left. But that's my personal opinion and I'm not suggesting only children don't have their own support network once their parents are gone.

Good luck to you!