I Have Been Dating a Single Father for 3 Mos Now

K., I am so happy that you have met a wonderful man and that you have a great relationship. The biggest piece of advice I can offer is that he needs to go to court to get visitation, etc. in writing, if he doesn't have any of that. If he and the ex were not married, then in the state of Arizona, a father does NOT have any legal right to the child, unless papers have been filed in court. To avoid any issues with her trying to withold his daughter from him, he needs to do that ASAP. I used to work for a Police Dept, and we would have so many heartbroken dads call in who had exes that were NOT good for the kids, and keeping their kids from them, and it's perfectly legal. That is the first thing he needs to do.

Hopefully the ex will come around...I know he can't just cut her out of his life, since they have a child together, but it sounds like YOU have the right mindset in this all, as far as Ariana is concerned, and you have reached out and tried to do the right thing. Good luck to you, and if you have any questions, feel free to send me a message. I will be thinking of you and I hope this all works out for the three of you! Keep us posted.

H.

Hi K., Lord have mercy! I am going thru this exact thing! He needs to get legal papers filed asap and make sure they state exactly what they both agree too. I have a very long story about my boyfriends ex. She basically was decent until we moved in together in May. Their divorce papers state that since he has full financial responsiblilty for her (she is special needs) he has her M-F to keep her school days consistant, her mom can have her weekends (but they do share custody). For the last 2 1/2 years she has seen her only when it was convenient for her, not even close to every weekend! WELL...I met him last summer, his ex started taking the daughter every other weekend for the last 10 months (same as my ex for my kids) which seemed to work out great for everyone. THEN...after we moved in together, she started saying she wanted her EVERY weekend (now that I'm in the picture she has decided she wants to be a mom). My boyfriends response to that was basically "get real" since we are a family of 5 and our only "fun" time with the kids is on our kid weekend! so she promptly the next saturday morning went to the police department (with a copy of the divorce decree and visitation papers), the cops called my boyfriend on his cell and said he had 10 minutes to get his daughter to the police dept or he would be arrested...NICE! Long story short (I know...too late!!) we are not playing nice any longer. We have filed the papers needed for them to meet again and revise the court order to hopefully go back to every other weekend. We will see how that goes. As far as the calls and texts go...do not accept that! He does not need to respond to her unless it is some kind of emergency with their daughter! My BF had to do the same thing. Now she does not call at all during the week when we have the daughter and we don't call or anything on the weekends. this has helped our stress level alot in dealing with her. they simply shouldn't have anything to talk about. she only calls and texts because she can and knows that it is disrupting your time together. My BF has gotten very strict about this and it's gotten much better. basically what i'm saying is you don't need contact with her. we have everything she needs at our house (clothes, meds, toys etc) and her mom keeps the same at her own house. the whole sad part of this is that we asked her when she brought up wanting her every weekend if we could all get together to come up with a schedule everyone would be happy with and she would not respond back to us. she did say that i had no say so in what happens with their daughter. my bf and i of course disagree since she lives with us in our home during the week with my 2 kids. so now that she is playing hard ball, we are playing back, but it's only hurting their daughter. she is now in the middle and can't understand why she can't do fun stuff too on the weekends that i have my 2 kids. we have worked very hard about not talking badly about the ex in front of any of the kids and are just waiting until the court hearing. since i have not gotten involved in any of this, i did send her an email just last friday. i asked her in the quietness of her own heart and soul if she can help us work together to make everyone happy. i gently reminded her that i will be her daughters step mom and it would be great for all of us if we could get along. so we will see what happens. i hope you guys get this worked out...it doesn't sound like she will turn around and play nice since she has not been doing that up to now anyway. if you ever want to talk to someone who has been there and is continuing to go thru it...please contact me! my cell is ###-###-#### and my email is ____@____.com sorry about the long response, it could have been even longer..but i wanted you to know you are not the only couple dealing with this! i wish you guys the best and let me know how it goes! p.s. congrats on finding such a great guy who is a great dad...mine is the same and i'm so thankful! :)

Dear K.,
It is a very difficult situation you are in. I'm trying to see if from both sides of the fence--so don't be offended. As a mother myself, I would NOT let my child stay with my ex (whether bf or ex-hubby) if he were living with someone he was not married to. I've had friends in this situation and the kid gets very confused. If you two really love each other--then get engaged and married BEFORE you move in. It just shows the mother and daughter that you guys are in a stable relationship. There's no need to rush into living together. That way the daughter can have time to get to know you--and hopefully, the mother will mature some. I don't think you should even spend the night if the daughter is around. Good luck with your decision.
K.

So you've been involved with this guy for 3 months and now you're working on custody papers when it was all going fine before you entered the picture? Of course she's defensive! Do you blame her? You seem to be putting yourself purposely in a position to aggravate things - why do you find it necessary to email her? I don't think she needs to know anything about you until you guys are committed meaning you have a ring on your finger and a wedding date set. I agree, don't move in together or stay over night until you're marrried for the daughters sake. I'd stay out of the situation with bf/exgf altogether because it's really none of your business. As for her calls, your bf needs to set some boundries. Don't answer the phone at 9 if the daughter is with you because that's obviously not going to be an emergency of any sort. Let the answering machine get it.

This is a complicated one, for sure, and I hope it works out for you. Your boyfriend sounds wonderful. I agree that perhaps you should reconsider moving in together until you get married, for a bunch of reasons. I'm sure the thought of that just feels like caving in to the mother and her childish behavior, but it may work in your favor. It would sort of take the wind out of her sails by demonstrating that the two of you have put the child's interests before your own. She won't be entitled to any righteous indignation if you are married. It might also lessen any ammunition she may have to lob at your boyfriend in a custody proceeding. Your boyfriend does need to get the legalities taken care of right away, too, just to clarify where everyone stands so that when you do get married, you get off to a happier, less complicated start. Best of luck to you.