I Have an Issue with My Husband About Baby Care

Just 'wondering' why you leave the child with him if you know he doesn't watch her? Do neither of you like being around this child?

Clearly, he's not trustworthy. You're going to have to NEVER leave her alone with him until she's much older. Yeah, it sucks, but better to be safe than sorry.

I would not worry about child abduction.

I WOULD worry about a 2 YO wandering off. She/he could get hit by a car!

Just take the baby with you to the bathroom.. use the handicap stall.

Your husband is clearly an idioit..

Buy a good umbrella stroller and keep her in it when you are out and about. Bring her to the bathroom with you, anywhere you go. It's obvious that your husband has more important things to do than watch his own child.

<<sheesh>>>

You keep saying "my baby". Is the baby his too? Does he love this baby? Is this guy young and stupid, or just stupid? What is he doing while you are in the bathroom that he can't concentrate on a baby? Is he texting? When she wanders off, does he start looking for her too? Does he watch the news? Kids can be taken at the blink of an eye. Something about this whole thing (or him) is a little off.

It's sad, especially if he is the dad, but I guess I would NEVER leave him alone with her (at home, included!).

If I thought for even two seconds that the person I was leaving to care for my child would fail at that job, I wouldn't leave my child with them. Even if it was the father. Which is EXTREMELY sad. So while I don't understand his inability to care about the child, I'm left wondering about yours as well....stop stepping away. Stay with your toddler.

You keep your baby with you at all times and don't allow him to watch her.

Do not let him GET AWAY with having zero responsibility for HIS child!

Others are saying, "Just don't let him ever have her alone." Easy to say but that puts 100 percent of responsibility on you, 24/7, and he is as much her parent as you are. Time for him to grow up and act like one.

If he says, 'No one would take her," frankly he's an idiot if he thinks that is the only risk. It is far likelier that she would get under a waiter's feet and cause him to trip, which could get her (and him and others) injured; or that she could end up falling down the mall escalators because she was "just a few feet away from dad" but he wasn't close enough to catch her; or she wanders off at a park and he next sees her on top of the older kids' play structure, five times her height, about to fall, and he's not close enough to stop it. And that shopping cart? She can be out of that little seat and standing up on it in a flash. It's a long way from the top of her head to the hard floor if she falls from there. It's all so easily preventable. She is a toddler and needs supervision, period.

Do not wait and tell him to supervise in the moment, when you're out. Sit him down and tell him -- not ask! Tell! -- that this changes, now. Lay out the real dangers, which have nothing to do with abduction. If he says, "Oh, your'e just worrying about nothing," and dismisses you - tell him that you are not just mommy, you are an adult with a right to use a toilet without one hand on a toddler. You need to let him see you furious over this because he's getting away with making you the sole watcher for your child.

Is he this slack in other parenting departments?

And does he know that if she wanders off, or is left in a cart or stroller, and someone reports it -- you and he could end up with Child Protective Services taking a serious look at you both? It happened here -- family that let a toddler wander more than once and they ended up with CPS at their door more than once. It is not terribly likely but it actually can happen. Imagine if someone calls a mall security office to report a child left unattended in a stroller and you have to deal with that? Or if you are asked not to come back to a restaurant because your child wanders around? And it's all preventable.....

Why would you have ever trusted him after the first time?
IMO, THAT is negligent!

Try a different tactic:

"Honey, it's RUDE to let a toddler wander around in a restaurant where people are trying to enjoy their meal."

"If she climbs out of the cart she could hurt herself. She needs you to watch her."

"If she wanders around the store, she could break things or pull something heavy down on herself."

Quit focusing on the unlikely (it's very unlikely that anyone would take her...she has a better chance of being struck by lightning), and focus on reality.

The likelihood of her being kidnapped is just so small it's not even worth mentioning to him. Furthermore, he obviously doesn't see it as a remote possibility. He's right. No one's going to take her. Child abductions are very, very rare and almost always involve someone you know rather than a random person at the mall. That being said ...

There is the very real danger of her getting hurt, and there is the very real possibility of her making a huge mess, causing a big spill by knocking things over or just down right annoying the heck out of people around you.

I would definitely focus on the chaos she could cause and the many ways she could get hurt rather than her being abducted. You have a much better chance of him taking you seriously.

You have two options.
1. acknowledge that you have different attitudes/ comfort levels. explain that while it might not give him concern, it sets you into a panic. He need not change his attitude, but could he kindly change his behavior and keep a closer eye on her because it is upsetting you.
2. take on the responsibility yourself, except for when they are in places within your comfort zone. i.e. take her to the bathroom with you, push the cart or stroller, etc. let him mind her in the safety of your living room, your enclosed backyard etc.

only he can change his attitude and behavior. the other option is for you to change yours.

good luck to you and yours,
F. B.

This mentality is exactly what led not one but TWO fathers this summer to leave their babies in cars in the Arizona heat. Those babies died. DIED. Because their fathers thought it was no big deal, the kid will be fine, he's strapped in his car seat, what could happen? No one stole those babies, they cooked to death because their fathers were lazy and irresponsible. As a parent, it is not only your moral but LEGAL responsibility to supervise your child, especially at that age, at all times. It is not something that he can just choose not to do because he doesn't feel like it. Leigh has a great laundry list of some of the many, many things that can happen when a toddler wanders off. If we were talking about an eight year old, I would say you are being overprotective. But frankly, parents should be paranoid about their toddlers in new places- not because of extremely rare child abductions but because of extremely common simple accidents that can have terrible consequences.

Don't let your husband watch the baby any more.

Don't leave the baby with him. Ever. He obviously can't be entrusted with the baby.

Sorry if this is really happening to you in real life, but frankly it is so over the top, and your first ever MP question, so I dont believe this is a real post. Your husband simply wanders away from the baby and you come back to just find her sitting alone in shopping carts and such? If this is a real problem, I suggest divorcing your husband. Sounds like he is either mentally challenged, or a serious loser. Good luck either way.

You refer to her as your baby, is she his baby too? Not that it matters much, but it could make a difference.
It's true she's very, VERY unlikely to be abducted, but at two I'd be concerned about her breaking something or getting hurt. That's WAY more likely. Plus it's just rude to leave your child unattended in public. Maybe if you approach it that way he'll understand better.
And if he refuses? Well I guess I'd be taking her with me to the bathroom and anywhere else I needed to go (shoot, I did that all the time anyway, with THREE young kids in tow, by myself!)

I agree that chances of her being abducted are small to vanishing, but that doesn't mean that if you look for her and she's wandered a few store aisles away, you won't have some terrible moments.

When my daughter was around 2, I was shopping and CHATTING with her in a clothing department and she suddenly wasn't there. Some nice saleswomen helped me find her within minutes, standing blissfully in the center of a rack of long, silky dresses, enjoying the feel. But those were long, long minutes. I can still feel the kick to my gut 40 years later. (Even attentive parents can lose a child – it only takes a few seconds' distraction.)

Unfortunately, it's really difficult to get anybody else to accept a level of responsibility that they are reluctant to accept. My first husband never did, and it was a major reason I left that marriage.

I hope you can get trough to your numbskull husband. I have found Non-Violent Communication techniques to be quite helpful since I've learned it. You can look this up online for tips. It does take some practice, but only one person in an exchange needs to use this approach for good results to be possible.

If my husband ever came across with that attitude I'd really have no choice but to have to rip him a new one.
It's negligent.
And if child knocked over, smashed, destroyed merchandise he'd be liable to pay for the damage.
If an elderly person tripped over her and got injured, guess who they'd sue?
Yep - your Hubby.
And what if she got hurt?
It sounds like it's a tactic on his part so you'll never trust to have him watch the child thinking that that will get him out of baby sitting.
I'd be tempted to not have sex with him for a week every time he loses the child.
If he's going to have no regard for what's important to me, then he can go without something that's important to him for awhile so he has a chance to think things over.

Set him up. Make him understand and feel how terrible it could be. Go out, have someone you trust but that hubby doesn't know sort of stay in the background. When hubby is most interested in something make your excuses and go to the bathroom. Then stay out of sight but where you can observe hubby and daughter. Have the friend scoot the baby out of sight of hubby and to you. Then just keep baby with you until hubby realizes the basket and kiddo are missing.

Stay out of his sight for a few moments then come forward and ask him how it feels to be missing his child. Rub it in, tell him you did this to show him what his careless attitude about his little girl could feel like.

You'll have to time it right though, it has to be when he looks away. Or he'll see the friend scooting the cart away and he may go nuts on the person...lol.

Most children do wander off at that age. If he is not capable of keeping an eye on her while you are away, don't leave her with him. Simple as that! Such a shame that a father would jeapordize his/her child safety at that age!
Most kids don't understand fear or danger at that age, so not only could she be abducted but she could really hurt herself.
Good luck!

From what you say (and without hearing his side) it is hard to know if he is being truly careless or if you are being over protective, I suspect it could be a little of both. Talk openly together and find some common ground.

If he is being truly neglectful then don't leave him alone with her for now and insist you take some parenting classes together.

Other moms are right. Probably not a smart thing to do, but it would be seriously tempting to have him experience the freak out of "losing" his child. Part of me wants you to be evil and set him up. Like have a friend who would be willing to "shadow" you and take the baby for a walk while you "go to the bathroom". Then come back when the baby is "missing" and have him deal with it.

OR talk to store security themselves, tell them your problem, and ask them for ideas to get hit through his head. Perhaps have THEM "find" the baby, and page "the parents of ...."?

He's "probably" right, but she could wander off and get hurt, or tip over, or whatever. He's an idiot.

Maybe start sending him every "child left alone and gets hurt, etc.," post.

I have a husband like this too, and I can say from experience that you're not going to get through to him. My husband is a good dad and partner in lots of other ways, but he's just kind of self-absorbed and not very aware of his surroundings. That's just the way he is.

One time when our son was about two, my husband was holding him as we were getting ready to leave the YMCA, saw a friend and got involved in a conversation, and then put him down and didn't even notice that he wandered away to try to follow my daughter and me out the door. Another time, they were both in the men's locker room together, and he didn't realize that our son had left the locker room and ran up the stairs and out the door by himself until our son was outside! Aaaargh!

As our son has gotten older, I have discussed with HIM the importance of sticking with Dad and paying attention, and that's helped.

Like a lot of the others have said, until your daughter gets older, you'll just need to think through situations and get creative as to how you can supervise the baby most if not all of the time.

This one's easy: NEVER LEAVE HER WITH HIM AGAIN!! Whether it's being abducted, running into the street, being lost, etc., etc., anything could happen to her in the blink of an eye. You're very lucky nothing has happened to her yet. Apparently he doesn't have a grasp on the endless list of possibilities.

Good luck!!

I once had to grab a toddler who wandered out of a store (automatic doors) and into a busy parking lot. It was a few minutes before anyone came looking for him. Kids wander into dangerous situations. I don't know how you'd make an adult understand this, but being married to someone I wouldn't trust to watch a child would be a deal breaker for me.

This is my husband too - a good man, but with a different take on things. I have learned that I am the one responsible. He won't change. He has many other good attributes, we just see differently on a lot of things. See if you can get a babysitter to come with you, or take the baby with you, or have a relative come with you - you don't have to tell him it is because he can't watch the baby, make another excuse. Or get a sitter and leave the baby at home with them. Or bring the sitter and leave the man at home.
HE WILL NOT CHANGE. Find a different solution.