I Have a Granddaughter That Is 12 and One That Is 6. - Birmingham,AL

The 6 yr old looks up to her older sister as a role model. All little kids look up to older kids. I think the bigger problem is that somehow the adults have not stepped in to take the parenting job away from a 12 yr old. When she over steps on caring for her sister someone needs to step forward and say 'i got this. go be a child' so she doesn't have to do it.

Please remember that developmentally a 6 year age difference in children is HUGE.

Welcome to mamapedia!!

This was my sister and I. We were 7 years apart. My brother was in the middle. While my sister didn't try to "parent" me? She would boss me around. My being the baby, of course, would not stand for it. It's called sibling rivalry.

Where are their parents? Why aren't they doing something? Disciplining them, etc.?

What would I do? I would give them each different activities and tell them AGAIN my expectations of their behavior towards each other and other people. Set ground rules. Fights will happen. Heck I have 2 boys and they fight. My 14 year old is going through a growth spurt and hormones - so it's a ROLLER COASTER RIDE BABY!!!

To top it off? The 12 year old is most likely going through puberty. She needs her own space. They BOTH need their own space. You don't tell us much about how they spend time together - if they share a room, etc.

They each need their own friends and boundaries. The rules are the same for BOTH. And made clear to BOTH.

YOU need to role model. You can talk until you are blue in the face...they will WATCH YOU and FOLLOW YOUR LEAD!!! Walk the walk, talk the talk...

Good luck!

That sounds completely normal to me. That doesn't mean you allow bad behavior to continue, but without adult intervention, this is exactly what I would expect.

I'm guessing the girls are sisters? They could be cousins?

I don't allow my older son to parent my younger son (and vice versa). I also do not allow their older cousin to do so when he visits. I'm the mom, and it's my job to be the adult. I do not allow children to try and be the parent. So I would work on simply reminding her that she is not the mom and that she needs to leave the parenting to the adults.

It might be a good idea to drop the "be a good role model for your sister" concept if it's not working. For some kids, that's just an extra sibling related responsibility. It might even be feeding into the idea that she can parent her younger sister. Correct her behavior because her behavior is unacceptable whether she has a younger sister watching or not.

I would try to stop thinking of them as a set. They are individuals. They need to be treated as individuals. Try not to expect them to do too many things together. They are not the same age (or even close), they probably do not have too many common interests and they are just at very different stages, developmentally. Let them do their own thing, and try to minimize the time they are expected to do things together.

So they don't get along - so what?
There's 6 years between them and they don't have a lot in common.
Separate them as much as possible.
They don't have to like each other but they do have to be as civil as they would be to any stranger off the street.

My sister and I are 22 months apart - she's younger - and we are simply not compatible - never have been and never will be.
Stop trying to push them together.
I'm thinking the 12 yr old never wanted to be anyone s role model and it's more than she can handle.
Treat them like individuals and not like siblings/cousins/relatives.

Can you give some examples of them not getting along? And perhaps the dynamics of the household? There is very little go on here other than the fact that there is a big age gap between them. Are they sisters or cousins? Are they expected to play together as if they are friends/the same age? More information would help.

Regardless of whether they are sisters or just cousins, the adults around them need to correct inappropriate behavior. Don't blame the 12 year old for the 6 year old's attitude. The 6 year old is responsible for herself. Same with the 12 year old. Correct the 12 year old's attitude on its own merits, not b/c its a bad influence on the 6 year old. Correct the 12 year old acting like a parent. And maybe stop expecting her to be responsible for the 6 year old (you don't say if that is part of the picture, but if you are holding her responsible for the 6 year old's attitude, you really are holding her responsible for her, whether you acknowledge it or not).

Hi P.,

I agree there's not much to go on here but I'll share my experience with you and hope that it may shed some light. My mother is 8 years older than her sister. When they were children, my grandmother suffered from mental illness, including bouts of depression that would land her in bed sometimes for days. My grandfather was army colonel and was often deployed. Of the many results, one was that this put my mother in a parental role with my aunt. My brother is 2 years older than I am and, since this was all my mother knew, she ended up putting him in a parent role with me from very early on. If I was sick, she'd send him in to tend to me. It became his job to watch me when we were out of her sight...you get the idea. The consequence of her putting him in this role in adulthood is not good. He continues to judge me, try to run things, gets really angry (verbally abusively angry). and I feel nothing but indignation and resentment. We barely speak any more and this is one of the significant reasons why.

Never put a child in a situation that is out of their control or ask them to take on an adult role. If the 12 year old is placing this responsibility on herself then she needs to be parented by her parents herself and given consequences if she violates what will hopefully be a newly imposed boundary. If you or her parents are asking her to do this, then that needs to change immediately. I agree with the other posts that it is a significant age difference and they may not develop a relationship until later in life. Allow them to be themselves and things will evolve organically. Some siblings are simply that.....siblings.

Have a no fighting/bickering rule. If they want to fight they have to do it while cleaning.

Are they sisters? That is a pretty big age gap and they don't share common interests. The 12 yr old is hitting the hormone time of her life and probably does not want to be doing the same things a the younger one.

I am 6 years older than my brother and to this day as adults, we still have nothing in common and are just civil around each other when we happen to see each other which is about every 2-3 years.

Frankly, with that age difference and its vast difference in maturity and interests, once you correct specific misbehaviors, the best option is to enable each girl to do her own thing. The 12-year-old won't have time to "parent" the younger girl if the older one is busy with activities that are appropriate for her age, meet her interests and engage her with kids her own age. Don't expect her to be a playmate to the younger girl or vice versa. Same goes for the younger girl -- she needs to have activities that she wants to do with kids around her own age too.

Yes, they'll have times when they still get on each others' nerves but when they do -- separate them. It's fine if one goes to her room to read, play or whatever while the other one goes somewhere else in the house. Don't put the older one in charge of the younger or tell the younger she's copying the older one (that will make both of them mad!). And I agree with a poster below who says to drop the reminders to the older girl that she is a role model for the younger one. While it's true that the younger will ape the older, the older girl does not want to hear that she needs to act differently for her younger sister's (or relative's?) sake -- that is a complete turn-off for a kid of 12 and is likely to make her act out more rather than shape up so she can be a good role model. Even the very best-behaved kids who get on well with siblings really don't want to be told that they're somehow responsible for those siblings.

Ensure each one has her own "thing" that is hers and hers alone, an activity that does not involve the other girl. And don't expect them to be friends or playmates just because they're sisters or cousins or whatever they are. That puts pressure on each kid. They may eventually WANT to do things together nicely more, once they are both older and the age gap and maturity gap are less huge.

Can you give more info? Are you parenting your grandchildren or do they have parents who are their primary caregivers? If they have parents, then this is really something that they should be handling...are you asking on their behalf because they are seeking your counsel and are open to ideas? Or do they not think this is a problem and you are seeking ideas on your own?

If you are parenting them and their biological parents are out of the picture, that changes things. The 12 year old may be mothering her sister because she has had to play that role and it will take a long time for her to understand and trust that someone else can do that job and she can be a child again.

So...very different sets of advice depending on the circumstances. A bit more info will help you to get better answers.

As others have said, it's a big age difference. But the 12 year old is trying to exercise her growing independence from adults and work her way out of childhood and into adolescence. So she's going to boss around anyone she can. The 6 year old knows that the 12 year old is not a grown up, so she thinks the older child's attitude is the goal. She also thinks it's acceptable, as long as the 12 year old is allowed to get away with it.

I don't think you should tell the older one she's the role model anymore. She's going to take that as "I'm an adult so I can be bossy."

The thing to do with any and all unacceptable behavior is to take away something that child likes. For these girls, those will be different things. For the older, it's probably electronics and free time at the mall/sleepovers, a later bedtime, shopping trips, beach/pool trips and maybe allowance. For the younger one, it's probably TV time, play dates with friends, and things like trips to the beach or pool. Separate them when they get into negative behavior, with as few words as possible - "That's unacceptable. You can spend time in your room until you can be less bossy/more respectful." Then stop. Be specific about what's not allowed, but don't get into a long explanatory lecture about it. Be swift and decisive. Deprive them of your attention as well. Take away immediate privileges, especially for the younger one. Delayed consequences won't be as successful, and they will increase the amount of time the kids spend whining/complaining/negotiating. I didn't put up with the griping though - that increased the consequences.

The point is Privileges X and Y and Z are for kids who are mature and who know how to behave with kindness, not for bossy kids with attitude.

My 12 year old was constantly mistreating my 10 year old so we started issuing punishments such as reduced video game time ect. We reward or praise them when they play well together and get along.

You have to allow these kids to develop their own interests and friendships. If they are being forced to be each other's playmates and the older one is always having to allow the younger one to participate with the 12 year old then you have set them up for anger at each other.

They should have separate space, separate lives, and be able to come together when it suits them.

You're a grandmother, so you must have had kids. Did your kids never not get along?
What's happening is normal. As long as there is no bloodshed, let them work it out.