I Feel like a Broken Record

I hear ya!!! I am working with my 9yo on his "executive skills" which are skills like organization, impulse control, follow through, attention, and a bunch of others. We are using the book "Smart but Scattered" as a platform to help identify and teach these skills bit by bit. The first thing we tackled was his disorganization in the morning with me getting blamed if everything wasn't in his backpack. Now he has a system he can use every morning to pack his own bag successfully.

You have great answers. It is consequences that make sense to them that matters. But most of it will continue till a kid of the opposite sex tells them it matters!
I once got the boys to get in the car to go somewhere, they were about 9 and 13. I look in the rear view mirror and catch a glimpse of them before I drove out of the driveway. I had to ask if EITHER had combed their hair or brushed their teeth. NO. You have Years to go!

I hate to tell you but you're not done yet.
Not by a long shot.
By 9 or 10 you might be able to expect them to remember and follow through on some things.
Some will be teens before the can manage it.
My Mom always says when you are an adult you see something that needs to be done and you just DO it without being told to do it.
By 16 I had it down.
My sister never got it.
It's just part of being a parent!
Don't feel bad though.
Once when we were on vacation (me and my fiance met up with my Mom visiting relatives) we all went to a fancy restaurant for dinner and the meal is served and my Mom reached over and cuts up my meat for me.
I said "Thanks Mom! Oh, and I'm 26 years old.".
It was just an old parenting pattern that came back to her without thinking about it.

this might help you!!

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=520876847962964&...

You aren't doing anything wrong - this are kids.

keep the routine. Keep your boundaries. Don't cave. Every time you cave - your children know the line moves...and they will keep pushing it!

Clothes are set out the night before.
Lunches are made the night before.
Backpacks, purses, keys, etc. have a place. Put them them there.
EVERY night after their shower they have to present you with the clothes they are wearing the next day. PERIOD.
Before they get electronics time? Their rooms must be picked up, homework done, etc. whatever your rules are. STICK TO IT>

YOU CAN DO THIS!!

Please seek out a parenting class, book, videos, cds, etc. from a good source like Parenting with Love and Logic, or Parent Effectiveness Training. It will give you tons of information about child development, the differences between child thinking and adult thinking, and how to discipline and create consequences that are effective.

What consequences are there when things don't get done? They do know what they are supposed to do, but they only know that you want it done and that doesn't have real meaning to them other than knowing that you feel upset. You haven't created a situation where it is important to them to do it.

They do not think like adults. They do not have the same motivations. Keeping a house neat and clean means nothing to them. That is an abstract idea that they literally cannot process yet. Also, brushing their teeth so they won't get cavities is too abstract. And I guarantee they have no idea why jammies have to be worn.

It will be important to create an environment in which each thing you want done, in some way, becomes important for them to accomplish. If they don't put their shoes in the mud room what is the consequence? If the consequence is just you lecturing, preaching, talking, yelling, etc, this does not sufficiently effect your children (as you have clearly discovered). They will just tune you out. Have you thought of picking their shoes up and putting them in thier beds? Or maybe, if the weather permits, one time taking thier shoes and letting them go out in socks. Or maybe have a really ugly pair of shoes that they know that if they don't put thier shoes away they are going to have to wear instead.

Consequences sometimes require a great deal of creativity. That is one of the great things about mamapedia, the moms here can come up with some really great creative ideas for that type of thing.

It is important that you try and make the consequences as natural as possible, as closely related to the behavior, and are ones that you can live with. Keep in mind there is a difference between consequences and punishment. Punishment is just about making them feel bad. Consequences and discipline are about teaching them.

Also, think a little bit about the concept of "pick your battles." Often, we are expecting our children to be a particular way because of our needs and not theirs. Be really clear about what you are teaching your children about responsibility versus taking care of others emotions. Children can develop "I'm not good enough" really quickly if parents are constantly focused on what they aren't doing right in our world and that it is based on how upset the parent feels rather than real, concrete reasons. They are seperate little beings and they haven't learned all the things we have about neatness, organizing, and abstract ideas we, as adults, face out in the world. They really, truly cannot think that way. Their brains have not developed to that place yet and they haven't had the same experiences we have yet.

Instead of telling them what to do vs. not saying anything at all, have you tried weaning them off your instructions in stages?

Hang up your coat on the chair.
Hang up your coat.
Hang it up.
Hmm, something's out of place here, can you figure out what it is?
(then make a big happy fuss when they guess right and do it.)

That's great that you have the same bedtime routine every day. Can you number the items they need to get done? Then you can make a game out of remembering each item. If they did item 1 but not 3, you can hold up 3 fingers to give them a clue. Then have a reward when they finish. For instance, when they are done with their bedtime routine, you will read a story. If they are done by ____ o'clock, you will have time to play a game before bed. And if they are done with their bedtime routine by ____ o'clock, without having been reminded, you will play a video game together before bed.

The goal of course is what I used to call "level one initiative". That's when my kids would ask themselves what needed to be done, and complete the task on their own. Oh happy day. It's possible. Good luck.

My son is almost six and it's funny, because one of the techniques I use with him is called "broken record".

He leaves his coat by the door instead of hanging it up? "Coat. Coat. Coat. Coat. Coat." HE knows what needs to happen with the coat, so it's just a one or two word repeated every ten seconds without fail, without anger, no emotion. Just so annoying that he cannot get my voice out of his head until he does the task.

Likewise: wash hands, clear (table dishes), folder (goes into backpack after homework is done), backpack (when left on floor), etc etc etc.

You aren't doing anything wrong. I do try my best not to get frustrated, to scold or get pulled into a power struggle. Sometimes, this means letting him discover the more natural consequences, like when he doesn't put his toys/art supplies where they are supposed to go. Then I might cue him "put it where you want to find it next time" and then, if he doesn't, "wow, that's too bad you can't find that. I wonder if it got put away in the right place?" This allows me to be sympathetic while not making his problem my own.

Lists work too. You can make one for their room, the bathroom, the fridge. I made illustrated lists which attached like a train for my son when he was younger-- each piece went on when the task was done. You can make a list on paper and then use clear contact paper or take it to the Kinkos/FedEx store to have it laminated. Then, use magnets or a dry erase marker or paper clips to help them 'move' through each job in order.

I also offer lots of positive feedback when something is done without reminders. Sometimes this is letting my son stay up an extra 15 minutes, or adding some dots to a chart we keep for cooperation/attitude/good follow-through. When we get 100 dots, we do something fun as a family.

Lastly, I think that sometimes they get sidetracked because they aren't at an age where kids are self-motivated and so disciplined. (adults and older kids can become more disciplined because we are able to see that these systems have benefits.) What I see with my son is that when he isn't tending to task, he's trying to connect with us or wants to play. He gets distracted. So, the broken record helps when we are *done* talking/reminding. Just one or two words, no eye contact (which can be taken as a challenge). Expect, too, that they won't take you seriously at first. Expect that they might dig their heels in and think they can outlast you. Don't start the broken record unless you can finish it, but don't stop until they do the task.

First of all , very normal.
Children Thrive on rules, structure and schedules. It makes them feel secure and loved that you are there to remind them.. It is a great way to get attention too.. ..

This age, they are just on the cusp of you just letting them do all of this with no reminding, but they are not quite there yet.

One way I found is to take a step back on so many reminders, and instead to give a lot.. Almost embarrassing amounts of positive attention.. for just a few days.. When they hang up their coats..(even if you asked) tell them, "Thank you for hanging up your coats!"

IF they do it on their own, stop them and say. "Wait a minute.. I want to hug you!!! Thank you, Thank you for hanging up your coat with no reminder!!!!" Then mention it to dad that the kids hung up their coats on their own.. without needing a reminder!!

Kids like to be recognized for taking on responsibilities.. and I promise.. it will only take a few times of this cheer leading to get them to do this.

I make my son do something several times in a row as punishment. His socks and shoes are supposed to be left in our mudroom - the first room you get to from the car/garage. When I started finding them around the house, I made him walk from the car, go to the mudroom, take them off, put them back on, walk back to the car, go to the mudroom....you get the picture. I had him do that for about 5 minutes or until the begging to stop started.

I did the same thing with locking doors behind him, putting the toilet seat down, turning off lights when he left the room, and it always worked. Practice makes perfect I guess.

It's part of parenting. They are still young yet.

If you are outside with them, you could try reminding them in Advance. Like, before you have completely parked the car (I use the drive into our neighborhood/driveway to do this) do a brief mental checklist with your kids, going over the important things that need to happen first when you get home.

My kids are older, so sometimes it is like this:
Remember it is Thursday, so the trash/recycle bin need to be brought in. Dad may still be asleep (he works night shift sometimes) so remember when you take your stuff in the house to be quiet when you go in until you see if he is up or not. Child A you go start your shower, child B you finish up your homework.

It puts the stuff I want them to remember right away, right there in the forefront of their mind just before I want them to do it.

have you tried making a list and posting it somewhere? even when my son was 2-3 years old, he could follow a list (with pictures, not words). i would draw some clothes. get dressed. and then he would get to check it off. i would draw a toilet. go potty. i would draw toothpaste and a toothbrush...and so on. he knew that we had to do those things EVERY morning. at the time we were trying to reduce tantrums during the mornings - but it worked SOOO great. i bet it would be perfect for your kids. post a list in the bathroom or their bedrooms, and instead of rattling off the whole spiel, just go "ok go read your lists, bedtime routine!" when they get home have the list hanging by the door they come in. "check your lists did you do everything?"

i bet you this would work like a charm.

I just wanted to chime in and say, "Me too." ;)

Right now, the things I am tired of saying include "Hang up your coat," "Put your laundry in the hamper," and "Quit whining."

Hi, S.:

If you sound like a broken record, you are a broken record.
Evidently, your children aren't held accountable for their failure to do th
right thing.

Circle them up and find out what is causing them to blow you off.
Ask them for some solutions.
Good luck.
D.

Lol. Needed this today. We're on the echo train too ... :)

I DOOO know what ya mean as I am ALWAYS saying the same stuff over and over again. However, have you tried to just stay quite and see if they do it on their own? For us the shoes in the mudroom (if we had one) they would probably do out of habit but the bedtime thing they would not because they don't like going to bed so they would def wait till they are told to brush their teeth and get ready for bed so that they could prolong it as long as possible.

omg seriously. me too. we just got the 1 2 3 Magic book and am planning on implementing it this weekend. hoping it will help!

Oh man, I'm so with you! I told my son the other day he was making me feel like a nag.

Seriously, how many times does he have to ask me to help him find a toy and how many times do I have to tell him to put his toys back where they belong when he's finished? THEN he could find the toy the next time he's looking for it. Sigh.

You're not alone! :)

Oooooooooh, Hazel!!!!
I am SO doing the "broken record" technique!!!!

Love and Logic. It works.

Sounds like the kids have gotten dependent on you telling them. They are waiting for your cues. You need to tell them that you expect them to do these things independently at their ages. Give them a checklist. Let them know no tv or free time til everything on their list is checked off. Let them know what to expect and what the consequence will be if they don't do what's expected. Elementary aged kids should know where to put their jackets, and figure out to put on their jammies and brush their teeth.