I Don't Understand My Son

I see you live in Guam. You culture may be very different from the United States. Most of the moms on this sight are American, they may not understand your circumstances. Perhaps you could enlighten us with some cultural background so we can better understand your situation.?

I don't understand. Your husband gave his sister your 3rd child and you stayed with him and continued to have more kids with him? And you are wondering if the past is a reason why your son is so rebelious. Wouldn't you be? Your parents give you away, then they proceed to have more kids that they keep, then the person who took you gives you back, making you feel YET AGAIN unwanted, then he is raised at 5 yrs old till now with the sibs you kept and no one knows why he is acting out??? I am really not trying to be harsh I just can't wrap my head around it. You and your husband owe it to your son to get him all the help he needs. You owe him an explanation and an apology. Yes your hubs allowed it but you let it happen. Your poor son doesn't know where he belongs and who truly loves him. Please get him professional help and family counseling you all need to deal with this. Above all please be patient with your son his actions are not his fault.

Stolen, borrowed and returned. Sounds like a piece of merchandise. Regardless of what he is telling you, he is very hurt inside and needs counseling. Please go to counseling with your son. You both have a lot to work out with each other. You shouldn't bad mouth his Aunt either. I'm sure he loves her very much.

I think you have scarred your poor child for life. How would you feel if you had been taken/given away and then your mom continued to have more children? This is abusive and weird to say the least. I think you need to find a counselor for him pronto. Or your sister does. Of course how he has been treated has everything to do with his feelings. He has been passed around like a piece of meat. How can he feel any self worth being treated like an object? Seriously.

It sounds like your son needs to see a therapist badly. That may be the only way he is able to work through the anger. He might not be ready to talk to you about what happened to him as a child but he might possibly be willing to discuss it with a neutral party like a therapist.

Good Luck.

I am so sorry for everything you are going through. I too do not understand how you were able to let a child go but I will not condemn you for it as many others here have!! I could tell just by reading your post that you are from a culture different than American culture therefore family life is not the same and things we would never accept are often accepted in others. You're son probably has a lot of anger and confusion about his childhood and who his parents are. With all the confusion he doesn't know who he can trust. Children need to know they can trust their parents and in his eyes both parents (you and his aunt) gave him away. He's probably angry at your other children because he can't understand why you kept them and not him. My heart goes out to your son because of what he's gone through. Your son may not realize deep down how angry he might really be. My ex-husband has barely been in my son's life and when it's been important his dad has still failed him - it's these times that I see how hurt and angry my son is at his dad for not being there for him. My son will tell you he doesn't care and it doesn't matter but after years I know the look in his eyes tell me different.

I highly suggest getting some family counseling. I promise your son will fight you on this but don't budge. Just keep showing him love, tell him you love him often. Go in at night when things have quieted down and just go in his room - give him a quick hug, kiss on the head and tell him you love him. I do this with my son - especially when things have been kinda crazy between us - to show him that no matter what I love him.

Good luck.

OK, I am sorry, but this is just bizarre. I cannot for the life of me understand why you would just allow your son to be handed off to your SIL after she "stole" him and why your husband would be okay with it. They are not puppies that can just be put into another home and then returned - they are children! Your son sounds like he may have some major anger management issues and attachment issues - and really, who can blame him? First his mom (you) just gives him up to another woman, and that woman gives him back up again. In the meanwhile you continue to have more children. Why, why, why? And what was going on for the years that he lived with your SIL? How do you know he was not abused in some way? Why did she decide all of a sudden to give him back to you?

Your son and your family need professional help immediately - it does not sound at all like your son is "really ok inside". I don't see how anyone could be after an experience like that!

You ask "Do you think the past had something to do with his feelings?"

Ya think?

Ummmm, yeah, I do think the past has something to do with his feelings!! You guys gave him away!!! out of all your kids you chose him to discard and then GUESS WHAT??? He got discarded again by the woman who was raising him. I don't even know what to tell you....if you are in the situation to get joint counsleing then do it. Otherwise you need to go out of your way to make sure that this little boy is loved and KNOWS it. I would also make darn sure he knew that his DAD orchestrated this against your will (how does THAT happen in 2010?? ) You need to cut him a TON of slack here. Do not give him a hard time for the behavior that you adults created. If he is hard on his siblings who can blame him huh? THEY were NOT chosen to be given away-he resents them for this and that is totally normal. It is going to take a ton of healing and positive reinforcement to get this little boys self esteem back.

Please stop deamonizing his auntie. She was mother to him, too, regardless of how much it hurt you (and him). Yes, you were victimized but your child should not carry the burden of that. You are dividing his loyalty and he probably feels bad because he loves her, too, and you're making him blame her for your hurt feelings... it's horribly confusing to him.

I don't understand your situation, honestly, and I'm not saying that to be judgemental. I just don't understand. I would get him counseling. Reconsile with Auntie and be open to both of you loving him and spending time with him. Why did she return him? He must have felt like he wasn't good enough for either one of you, even if you know that's not true. You can tell him it hurt you when she took him, but it's years after he suffered the pain of losing you... then losing her and he's already processed those events and assigned feelings (likely abandonment) to them.

Seek therapy, individual and family. Good luck.

My heart is sad to hear of the disruption in your family. It sounds like you have been back together for a time and he is entering the often labile teenage years. If you can, I would reccomend family counseling. Keep the communication lines open. It sounds as if you have already appologized repeatedly for the disruption when he was taken. You need to let those feelings of guilt go so you can deal with today.

Hang in there, and best of luck.