Buddies at School Now Conflict

I do think other parents need to know what their kids are putting out on social medial. Some parents are so hands off that they don't have a clue. The others will have their side of the story, but be prepared that they will probably blackball her (which may be a good thing at this point.
Tell the school counselor what is going on.. She or he can keep an eye on it.

At your daughter's age you can help by helping her to manage this situation. Also helping her to be able to let go of her unhappy feelings. Mother's should not take on the their childs problems. You help her deal.

I wonder if you being overly protective complicates the problem. Your daughter needs to know she is capable of dealing with situations with your guidance. Help her gain confidence. Help her know that it's normal for girls this age.to have difficulties in friendships. Sympathize without making it a big deal. I suggest you bought into the drama common to teens and preteens.

It is not her friends job to make your daughter happy. I suggest that asking their mothers to get involved because your daughter is unhappy gives that message.

Yours and your daughter's unhappiness is your and your daughter's responsibility. Perhaps your daughter is still unhappy because you've not encourage her in ways to get past the feelings. It is a mom's job to help their children ways to learn how to move on. She has a choice. She can consider that they reacted this way because they feel she is leaving their friendship. Perhaps they are jealous. Because you weren't involved in the things that led up to this, you don't known what was said and how your daughter fits in with what has happened. You have your daughter's perception. You don't know how the other girls felt.

Rarely does a friendship rum smoothly. One.involving 3 people is difficult. I suggest you talk with the school counselor or with someone who understands teen and can clue you in.on teen behaviour and what you can do to help. There are books that could help you know more.

I think your daughter is going to encounter these situations again....in school...in the workplace, etc.

It is best you build her to be a strong person from the inside, so that she has the confidence to handle these situations rather then run to someone else to fix it (with exceptions).

First separate your feelings about the situation from your daughters. It stinks that this is happening, but it's a part of life and this pain will help her establish boundaries with others in the future. Let her own this and deal with it under your guidance. Help her learn the difference between being assertive and being aggressive.

Then take a step back and learn about developmental female friendship dynamics. While the males may be working on flexing their physical muscles to get strong, females are flexing their relationship muscles to establish a good support network.

I recommend the books "Queen Bees and the Wanna Bees" and "Surviving Ophelia" to both understand the dynamic and learn strategies to deal with.

I think the counselor is a good idea.

Isn't this what the movie Mean Girls is about? Sometimes watching it worth her and identifying what is happening in the movie, and what else could be done can be helpful.....

ETA: Give yourself a break..you are knew to handling these situations yourself. Whether or not you made the right decision depends on if you got the outcome you desired. If you didn't learn, move on, and get ready for the next one.

Having "done everything together over the summer and school year" means this friendship has been going on for...six months? It sounds like things have just developed such that the other two girls are closer. And now, they might very well be jealous of how quickly your daughter has been able to find another group of friends (not just ONE other friend, but a group - congratulations to your daughter!!).

As another post says below, these girls do not owe your daughter anything - they don't have to be her friends, they don't have to be nice to her.

Sending nasty text messages is one of many reasons why a 13-year-old should probably not have free rein over a cellphone. But I think the text message situation is one where you need to remember that you do not know everything that your daughter has said to those girls (you might not even know everything she has texted to those girls). So you should not be so quick to jump into that situation.

if my boys had been so sensitive and prone to emotional wreckage that a 'mean' text like that would have sent them into a depressive hole, i'd be looking for ways to better parent and empower my fragile child.

we didn't have social media to deal with, which is lucky for me, i guess.

and lucky that i have resilient cheerful kids who yes, had some terrible run-ins with bullies and rifts with friends (my older was blindfolded, duct-taped and stuck in a closet by his christian school 'friends' on his 13th birthday) but they were mad and/or sad over it, we talked about it, we played around with strategies, and i helped them move through it.

i can only think of a few occasions in which i talked to other parents, and it was usually on their instigation.

i always figured that my kids were my job. there's no way to police the rest of the world to make it nice and soft and easy for your kid.

no, i don't think you did the right thing. this is incredibly ordinary tween girl drama. if she really needs a counselor over it (!!), get her one. if you need to get your own kid off social media, do it. but you're not the parent of the other girls.
khairete
S.

I really don't think it ever is effective, when a middle/junior/high school student gets upset by another student and the mother tries to reach out to the other mothers. The exception is: real physical harm, death threats, or actual violence. And even then I believe it's best to go to the authorities.

I have a friend who knows absolutely everything about her 9th grade daughter's nemesis. She posts long, convoluted, complicated blogs about this girl's parents's dilemmas, backgrounds, histories, etc. She knows more about these peer students' situations than I do my own biological family's situation. It's too much! It's too involved!!

I implore you to back off, except in the case of actual threats of physical harm. Yes, our kids will be upset/hurt/sad/crying over various situations involving people who were supposed to be their lovers, their roommates, their best friends.

The best thing thing we can do is strengthen our children. Build within them a foundation. There will be many disappointments: with lovers, bosses, roommates, etc.

Yes, get your daughter a counselor if its necessary. But NOT how to deal with the other people; instead, how to build a solid foundation and backbone and a sense of right and wrong.

It's natural to want to protect our kids from hurt. It's natural for kids to want all the latest technology before they have the communications skills to handle it.

Relationships/friendships run their course sometimes. It's okay to let go without working out all the details.

I think you'd be better served to help your daughter develop more self-assurance, more of a backbone, and more independence to handle her own sensitive feelings. That means - sadly - she'd going to get hurt and have some false starts before she learns those skills. She didn't learn to ride a bike or ice skate on the first try - and the process of falling and getting back up is what builds confidence and the ability to move on to tougher things (relationships, academics/professors, and employee/boss interactions). As hard as it is, you have to back off.

That might mean getting her off the "texting instead of talking" train that so many kids are on. They are empowered and emboldened by the distance between themselves and their classmates that the internet and texting provide.

I would have called the parents if the texts were threatening or indicated any kind of illegal activity (drugs, underage sex, nudity) and I'd notify the police or the school resource officer too. I think, beyond that, nasty texts are a judgment call. I would want to know if my kid were nasty to others, but not everyone does - and you knew this mom casually so it's hard to judge what that mom will want. It's also important to judge whether a parent is going to discipline the child who will then make your daughter "pay" for telling on her. I would consider blocking the offending kids' numbers from my daughter's phone (or better yet, have your daughter do the blocking herself!), but otherwise, your daughter needs to learn to shrug some of this stuff off (after a good strong blowout vent at home if necessary) and move on to other friends. If your daughter needs some sessions with a counselor or a life coach to find her emotionally footing, that's a great gift to give her. It's no different than getting a tutor to help with English homework or a sports coach to help with skill building. It really isn't.

Unfortunately, intervening in this case to the other parents tells your daughter that she is too much of a wreck herself to be able to function, and that she's not capable. Doesn't that feed into her feelings of being a victim and being left out?

I'd work with her on what the definition of a friend is - and ask if the behavior of these other girls represent the behavior of real friends. Ask her if she is built up as a person by hanging with people who are so jealous or so cruel.

You cannot stop their communication off line at this point - they go to the same school. You shouldn't call the school and tell the staff to make the other girls be nice to or at least avoid your daughter. That's not their job, unless a real offense has been committed. But that didn't happen here.

You have a middle school child who needs you, not to run her friendships, but to teach and empower her to run them herself. That's why an objective counselor can be so helpful.

Why can't people just let people drift off without trying to have the last word?

First -
Did your daughter send the picture of Starbucks to the other girls or did they just see it posted on her media site?
Sending it to them would be goading - them just finding it would not be.

Second -
Their reaction to it - if it were sent to them, they might feel a need to respond - although ignoring it or "Hey, good for you! Hope you had a great time!" would have been a better road to take - if they really don't care then they should be happy your daughter is moving on - but maturity at middle school age is rare and hard to find.
If they found it on your daughters media site - then what were they doing looking your daughter up like they are still interested in her and what she does?

Third -
Resolution of the spat.
They can talk it over, have it out, clear the air but keep a cool/distant friendship going and gradually go their separate ways.
They can ignore each other, go their separate ways and block each others sites and phone numbers. - which is probably more likely.

Generally - they ALL need to take a texting /social media break for awhile.
Too much rush to social media is a big mistake as far as I'm concerned.
That your daughter is highly emotional is another reason to put some brakes on it.
Don't see it as a punishment - it's not - it's "if this is causing you some irritation and anxiety then we need to put it away for awhile until it no longer makes you irritated and anxious" thing.
Having her talk to a counselor is not a bad idea.

Hello. I reached out to mothers and it never really worked out. The one who was horrified and tried to help was actually just trying to show how she was not like the other moms. She was also trying to keep her child out of trouble because she knew the school intervened with another girl. I didn't know anything about it until that girl's mom yelled at me in the parking lot. I would document everything in case it escalates but not push for "resolution or hashing it out."

Tough situation! I have two girls. Girls can be so mean; especially, in middle school!

I would have your daughter block their numbers so that they cannot continue to communicate via text or phone. Also, I would contact the school to let them know that this girl is now posting stuff about your daughter publicly. To me, that is an issue. Public shaming is VERY dangerous. If we were posting things about a co-worker, we would be fired from our jobs.

I always tell my daughter (that seems to have all the friend drama), is this someone you want to really be friends with? I know that I would rather surround myself with friends that have good hearts and treat all people nicely. Usually, I bring up a story about me in middle school - just so that she feels normal and this happens to all of us. This exact thing happened to me! I was part of a trio and the two became better friends. I got left out. It really hurt, but I eventually found better, nicer friends and friends that I had more in common with. Now, back then there was no Facebook and texting. So, things have changed and our poor girls are needing to be even tougher than before.

Also, I had a really good mom. One time, I was mean to a girl and her mom contacted my mom. My mom made me go over to that girls house and apologize and her entire family was there. It was so embarrassing! However, it worked and I never did it again. So, contacting the mother is not a bad thing. I would want know if my kid was being mean and hurtful.

If it were me, I'd just tell my daughter one thing, and one thing only:
"Wow, who wants to be friends with such mean people?"

And then, let it go.
Yes, as a parent, I'd want to know if my child were sending mean texts, etc. That said, the problem isn't the texts, the problem is that the girls aren't being civil. And who wants to be around people like that? "Seems like they've changed. I'm glad you are noticing this and finding other kids to hang out with."

And social media isn't the place for people who are easily upset. People can be stupid and mean. Gauge your daughter's own resilience before allowing her to engage this way with anyone.

I like Mama E's response. I usually shy away from contacting the other mothers, but given the right people involved, it can be helpful and it gets more adults involved when kids don't know how to navigate these sticky situations.

Oh my.. I'm glad I have a boy, cause this kind of drama would drive me insane.

Girls can be mean. Inclusive and ridiculous. I for one wouldn't have contacted the other moms. That's just me though. If I knew them quite well and we were friends maybe I'd mention it. But, really. I would just tell my kid to leave the other girls alone. If they want to be besties and not include you then they aren't worth the aggravation and emotional stress . They are selfish and I wouldn't want my kid to be turned into one of them. I wouldn't go to all the trouble that you have..

my kid has no social media accounts. He has his friends he plays games with on the computer or whatever but that's it.. he also has no phone of his own. Why the hell do they need a personal phone at that age? Seriously.. that's what is causing all this unnecessary bs.

Anyways, if your daughter is an emotional wreck over this than yes have her see a counselor. Get her into an activity , have her find an outlet . She needs to build up her confidence.

These relationships are difficult to manage, but your daughter is learning interpersonal skills that will help her throughout her entire life. You should be there to be her biggest supporter and confidante and give her the skills to navigate relationships. Bottom line is that triad friendships are difficult and someone gets left out. While the other girls shouldn't be mean it is ok if they prefer each other's company. It's ok if they decide to do things without your daughter. Your daughter's reaction and your reaction is what you can control. Teach your daughter to try not to take other's actions personally. This is hard but fill her life with activities that empower her and expose her to new friends. My daughter has been on the other side of the situation where a friendship was fading and the other girl wouldn't move on and it was difficult too. I am not excusing the rudeness of the other girls. They are wrong. This is a great opportunity to help your daughter understand what friendship means and how to teach people how to treat her. (I know all this is easier said than done and I wish you the strength and grace to persevere!)