I Am Worried About My Marriage.

T. - how are you? How are things? I was thinking about you. My oldest daughter is in love with a soldier who is being deployed in a few months, and my heart goes out to you too... I hope your husband has come to his senses...

S.

I bet you'll get some thoughtful advice, and hopefully from some moms whose husbands have been deployed. My advice comes from the heart, and not from experience, so it's just one of those... "if it were me..." answers...

If it were me, I would just let him know that you don't feel the way he does, and that if such a decision has to be made, it will have to wait until he's back home and the two of you can talk. I would tell him that you are going to stand by his side, as his loving wife and best friend, in the meantime.

If he brings it up again, I would just repeat that and not much else. The rest of my letters would just be chatty - especially focusing on whatever good things about the kids you can. And if your son or any of your kids are having a hard time adjusting to the move or to his being gone or both, get them some counseling to maximize the chance that he comes home to a happy family when the time comes.

Hang in there, T.. You are in our prayers.

If you need to talk, let me know...my husband is currently deployed also.

I have to agree that he is feeling left out. Usually when the soldiers leave, the world (at home) stops for them. The hardest part is that when they come back it is a shock that they feel they don't really fit in anymore. You have made a lot of decisions by yourself that you had to...and he may feel like you don't need him anymore since you can make these decisions by yourself.

Personally, if you get emails like that, ignore that part. You can only talk about it in person (emotions are not related through writing). Just go on as if he didn't say anything about it. Keep the emails and letters happy, and reassuring him that you miss him and wish he was there to partake in all the activities. I know it will be hard and in the back of your mind of what he wants to do, but until he comes back he can't do anything, and he might see you and the kids and forget he even said those things.

Hi T.. My husband used to be active duty I wasn't with him at the time. Anyway from what I hear the biggest thing that men worry about while they are over there is their spouse or girl friend cheating on them. He might feel because you are managing over here without him that there must be someone else or that you don't need him anymore. Anyway when you have contact with him try not to burden him with all of your problems. Remind him of how much you need and love him. Its not that he doesn't want to hear of your probs, but just think what he has to deal with, and on top of that he can't fully be there for you right now. Its very demasculating. Anyway anytime he talks about it not working tell him that when he comes back you both can discuss it then. He probably will change his mind when he gets back to the states

Tell him what I told my first husband. Once he comes home he can make that decision but right now it's not fair to you to cut off that protection, healthcare, benefits.

I don't think he can actually file for a divorce while deployed. My exes mother did all of that for him but that was when you didn't have to take a parenting class before a divorce is granted and he was only at his duty station stateside.

Simply tell him that if he's seeking comfort or relief over there that's fine but you won't let him end your marriage until he can be face to face with you for at least a year.

I am so sorry to hear how he is handling this. In 2003 when my husband returned from his 3rd deployment our marriage dissintegrated almost over night. And in the decade before that his sister and her husband split after his return from the Gulf. The mental beating they take over there is beyond anyone's comprehention. Few marriages can survive during war. I have always said that I sent my husband to Iraq but they sent me someone else back. The trauma they go through brings about a total shift in thier personalities. If you ask my sister in law and myself you will hear us say how we will always ove our husbands, but we had no choice but to let go. You almost feel the need to grieve like one of those unlucky few who's husbands did not make it home. Because they have changed so much it is like the man you knew died with them. I'm not saying your marriage is over. There are many avenues you can take once he's home. The biggest being to do everything in your power to get him to counseling. Never feel like there is something you could have done differently to change the situation. this is truely one of those times in life that are out of your control. Give him love, give him space, and ask him to agree to wait to discuss such things until he is back on US soil. Remind him that neither of you needs that kind of stress at this time and that there will be plenty of time to work this out later. you are in my prayers, and please know that while this kind of split can be devastating there is hope at the end of the tunnel. And no matter how much it hurts to be apart, part of you will always hold the man he was in your heart. I am so sorry if I have caused you more stress. Try to let it go for now, you'll have time enough for it when he gets home.

I am very sorry to hear that.I couldn't imagine my Husband saying that and to try to carry that with everything else that you are dealing with.I think your Mother in Law is right.Sometimes as humans when we can not be in control of situations and we just feel helpless we often just say we are giving up.I know it's not the right thing for him to do to you.You need his love and support right now more than ever.It sounds to me like he just feels like he hasn't been there to help with the decions and he has just became overly frustrated.I'm sure he understands that you have to make the decisions with him not being there but it probably still makes him feel like less of a Father and Husband.He may also be blaming himself for you having to hold your Son back in school since he hasn't been there.He probably feels like he has failed your Family.Then all of the stress being in Iraq can't help either.Hang in there I am sure he will come around.

I think you should stress to him that this is a decision that needs to be made face to face. When he gets back, he can decide what he wants to do, but until then no major changes are going to be made. I would say its the stress talking, and that he would really regret it if he came home to nothing. Hang in there! I can't imagine what you are going through and I pray for our servicemen and women and their spouses every night. Good luck to you, and God Bless!

I'm sorry that I can't offer advice. But I found your story heart breaking. I just wanted to let you know my heart goes out to you and you are a very strong woman with everything you are going through. My thoughts are with you and keep your chin up!!!

Take care!

I agree with the other two replies...I would wait till he is back to have make the decision to end the relationship. Maybe try and talk to a counsler or pastor. I had a brother that went to Bosnia for a year and ended up coming home to his wife who wanted a divorce. It was very hard on both he and the kids.

Just remember your husband is over there to keep you and your kids, as well as the rest of us, safe. It is stressful being away from family and he feels disconnected from the kids and you. He is not home to weigh in on decisions.

Your husband may feel it is easier to push you away so that not being around you and the kids won't hurt so much. Don't let him do that. Hang in there and please wait till he gets home before the two of you make the final decision. It is only fair to you and the kids.

My brother has since remarried and just got back from Afgahnistan this March...One thing my brother told me that he liked when being away was the letters and emails of everyday activities. Be discriptive and write your husband every little cute thing the kids do or say.

Hello,

Sorry to hear that you are going through a hard time. I think your mother in-law is right. He is scared you couldn't even try to feel what they are feeling and what they go through. I think he also feels like he is being push away because hes not a part of the stuff that is going on at home. Guys are funny they sometimes think we are trying to push them away or get rid of them. He might also be pushing you away because he's dealing with alot and he just feels like its better to give up, then fight anymore. I know all of this has to be hard for everyone in the family. Well I think you just need to let him know that you are not giving on the marrige. Just let him do what he has to do over there, then when he gets back you and him will work on things. Just letting him know he still has a wonderful family to come back to will help him alot. You know he's seeing alot of stuff we couldn't even understand over there. He might not be the same after he comes back, but let him know everything will work out. Good luck and God bless! Your family is in my prayers and all the other familys with loved one over fighting for our freedom!

Have you thought about looking for a support group in your area or starting one? Being around other women in your situation might be a great support for you and your kids and can give you insights that perhaps you are overlooking as to why his behavior the way it is. Those stationed overseas are always under a great deal of stress, and maybe he blames himself for being away from and that so much has changed that it can't be repaired.

Long distance relationships and marriages are difficult, but even more under the conditions of being in a highly dangerous situation as that of your husband.

Good luck to you and find support from those around you. If you ever need to talk, drop me a line at ____@____.com (email and IM).

T.,
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I can't imagine what is really going through his mind. But I think it could be dozens of things. For one thing, he is living in a world that is far away from his own, without sex to relieve any of the pressures and find comfort. I'm sure that one thing is really hard. He may even have a hard time not turning to someone over there for comfort and he might be mixed up about that. If he has had thoughts about someone else, he may feel so guilty that he's looking for reasons to blame you.

As for what to do, I can only say pray and pray hard. You can do absolutely nothing on your own. God can though.

In my own way I understand the pain that you feel. My marriage isn't a good one and I can't cling to the fact that we had a good relationship at one time. In some ways we have complimented each other and been suited to each other. But the last few years we have settled into an entirely loveless exhistance with only the "family" being the reason we are together. It's very lonely and I'm very angry that he won't do the work to make things right between us.

If you ever want to chat you can email me on here anytime.

Suzi

Your situation has to be so hard. I do agree w/ his mother, though. I think he is probably scared, and you are making a lot of decisions (that you have to) without him, which makes him feel left out. Do not give up hope ... if he is who you want to be with, let him know, even if you have to send him a letter or email everyday!! Let him know you are thinking of him, that the kids did something that reminded you of him, etc. Let him know he is still needed here at home, whether he is here or not. I will be praying for you, I know this is hard for you! Hope this helped :)

T.,

I am so sorry about what is going on. While I did not have a spouse overseas, both my father, brother and cousin have gone and come home from Iraq in the last 4 years. It is a very hard and stressful time on both the soldier and their family. While I have no advice, I do agree with the other moms that you two need to be face to face again before making any serious life altering decisions. Good luck! My heart definately goes out to you and your family.

J.

I am not sure what the other moms have responded but yes, it must be very stressful for you and specially for him. I am sure right now with everything is going on there and not being home only a couple of times this past years he must be very stressed and confused. My suggestion would be to do nothing right now if he is coming back in August or Sept that is only 2-3 months away, when he comes back you guys need to have time alone and have a nice talk. I am sure when he comes back he will want to see the kids but your mom or mother-in-law could maybe watch the kids for the weekend and you really need to spend quality time with him so he realizes that everything is just the same as it was eight years ago when you got married. I dont think you should make any decisions and if he says that he wants to call it quits then just tell him that you are looking forward to coming home and you can have a nice long talk about how he feels about the relationship. Just give him a lot of support cause I am sure he needs it.
Hope everything works out and let us know how things are going when he comes back :)

T.,
Let me start by saying thank you so much for sacraficing your family for our freedom. Thank your husband also. I am sorry to hear about your situation as well. I don't have a husband over there but my twin brother is over there for the 3rd time. He was discharged from the military after serving 5 long years with a tour to Afganistan and 2 tours to Iraq. After being discharged for just over a year he received orders to go back for a 3rd tour. All I could think was this is not fair. And it isn't. These men and women give up so much and get so little in return.
So here is what I am trying to say. When my brother left the first time the only thing he left was his immediate family there was no girlfriend or wife...but the second and third time there was a girlfriend. After going the second time he didn't want to hold her back from being "happy" so he broke up with her and within a couple of weeks she had a new "love". So given all he knows when he got his papers to go the third time he was engaged to be married and he called it off. I can understand what your husband is "thinking" right now...all of them think that way. I do agree with some of the comments that they send our loved ones over there but they send someone else back. My brother hasn't been the same since he was in Afganistan. I would talk to your husband and tell him you won't accept that until he can tell you in person. When he gets home ask him to attend some counseling together...do not make him do it alone then he will feel like you are blaming him. If he asks why tell him that if you are going to walk away you want to walk away knowing you tried everything you could.
I hope things work out with both of you. Again thank you for sacraficing your family. If you need someone to talk to let me know. I cry myself to sleep at night most of the time and he is only my brother...I couldn't imagine it being my husband. God Bless you and your family.

B. M

Wow! It seems you have been going through a rough time. I too am a military wife. Being the wife of a man in the military is not an easy job for some of us. My husband has been to Korea once and been to Iraq twice and we have recently found out that he will be going to Africa for 15 months which I am not looking forward to. When is your husband due back home? I would say to just wait until he is back home and see how things go then. The distance between you to can do alot. Right now he is over there focusing on his missions and probley isn't thinking straight. Maybe he is just saying those things to hurt you because of making decisions with out him. I would ask him to wait until he is home and then talk about it. I wish you all the best. I am sorry I couldn't be of much help. I do know that being apart from each other that long does change people and sometimes its change for the better and sometimes its not. I hope he will atleast wait to do anything until he is home so the two of you can have a chance to work things out or not. Good luck!!