I Am I Wrong Here?

Sounds like a pretty inappropriate costume to me. Santa wears pants that come all the way down to his boots - why not the girls? Is there some reason the girls need to wear sexy outfits to dance for their parents?

I would have been upset too if I was the mother of that girl, that doesn't sound appropriate for that age group. I also don't think you handled the situation right and say you would just pull her. I agree that you can't always make everyone happy, but putting a teenager into a skimpy santa costume to preform in front of parents, grandparents, doesn't sound too tasteful too me...

She probably doesn't want her girl showing a lot of leg.
People have different ideas about what is too skimpy, too sexy.

Want to ensure you get great business and new families? Tell parents your kids' costumes will always be in good taste and age-appropriate. Then follow up and do it. Establish yourself as as studio where the costumes take a back seat to the dance skills and to letting kids be kids, not miniature adults. A lot of parents would be delighted to find a studio where their daughters were not wearing too-sexy costumes. Take that route and you'll find families actually embracing it and thanking you for it.

As for the person who posted that gymnastics, ballet etc. are done in leotards, tutus are super-short, all dance shows off legs, etc. -- Get real. The problem isn't showing legs or wearing leotards. The problem is costumes that look like spangled burlesque dance outfits with an unspoken message of "Aren't they cute being all sexy and pretend-grown-up!" You may not feel you're sending that message --but you are, and the dance costume makers encourage it, making 12-year-olds look like streetwalkers, or in this case, Santa's very naughty elves. Why buy into that? It distracts from the dancing itself and puts the focus on their preteen bodies -- and not for their dance skills.

What you said to the mom clearly implied that you would punish the child -- your dance student, who has worked hard, no doubt -- over a parent's objection to a costume. You were inflexible and rude. If I were this mom I'd find a studio where the child and the child's work came before the uniformity of the costuming.

Why can't there be a compromise?? I'm assuming she is a PAYING customer, that you benefit from. Your first answer should not have been you would pull her. That's not how a business should be run!! You SHOULD have said "What can we do, to make you more comfortable?" Just because other moms didn't have a problem, does not mean that you can be so rude to a paying customer. You could have simply LISTENED and decided if a compromise (such as a bit more fabric sewed on) was worth it or not. Instead, you pull her daughter...who I'm assuming has worked very hard??

In that moment, I would have just decided to take my money and daughter elsewhere.

P.S.
I find it hilariously ironic, that you put young girls in 5 inches of fabric to cover their parts...but you just asked a question about modesty regarding young girls a few days ago. Go figure.

If you are in business to get people to come to your dance studio, you might want to re-consider your approach.

Hey dancer,
I think that could have been handled a bit more diplomatically. Are the dresses already made? Was a picture sent home to show the style, length, etc first? I think if this is your business, particularly, you may want to rethink the consensus approval going forward.

I just got out a measuring tape and unless you define the hip as the bottom of the butt cheek that is WAY too damn short. Even with shorts on underneath it and I would have had a problem with that kind of outfit too.

Your reply would have had me removing my child from your dance studio and telling every person I know to reconsider your business.

Having an attitude like this will not keep clients.
A skirt that short is too short for a tween. This is why there are pedophiles. We parade our little girls around in mini skirts.
I have a nighty that sounds like what you are describing, minus the shorts.
Make the costumes age appropriate.
They pay you money to teacher their children dance, not to dress them like hookers.
yes you are wrong.

ETA: I do have a daughter in dance , we are on year 6 of dance, she's never had a costume that short. Our hip hop classes wear pants , tennis shoes and t shirts.

The outfit/costume is for a 12 to 14 year old girl, correct?

At the recital there is a number where the girls wear santa dresses that come FIVE INCHES from the hip bone but has shorts under the "dress" portion?

Are the shorts daisy dukes or are they shorts that cover more? I know I would not want my daughter hopping around on stage with a "dress" that doesn't even cover her butt let alone anything else...it's sounds more like a shirt with shorts than a dress...when I think of dress, I think of something that COVERS my private parts....

She is a paying customer. She has a right to voice her opinion about what her daughter will be wearing. You don't say what she is upset about - you just say she's upset.

Would I tell a paying customer that I can pull her daughter from the dance? No. I would ask her for input on what she thinks is wrong with the outfit FIRST then if there is no compromise made - I would say - okay - it appears you are the only one with an issue, I will pull your daughter from the recital.

So without more information - yeah - I think you might have been a little short in cutting her daughter out ...however, I think there's more to the story so it's really hard to make a 'judgment call' based on the information received.

Hip hop has a lot of suggestive dancing - it's not classical and elegant like ballet or dynamic like tap. That type of super short skirt with boy shorts doing gyrations, holding legs up and open, etc... yes would piss me off too, if my child were in that dance class. I've left dancing studios in the past due to their showy and slutty costumes for children.

Comparing hip hop to figure skating and gymnastics is like comparing apples to oranges.

Yes, let the girl wear a longer skirt. Let the mom hem some matching ribbon or something on it. It's a shame girls have to wear 5 inch skirts to perform, especially at that age. Dance is about personal expression, is it not? Then why pull a girl from the team because she/mom feels uncomfortable with the costume. You are willing to punish a girl who is paying for dance services just so all the outfits can be matchy matchy? Bad business practice.

I've seen 6 year olds dressed as prostitutes in dance to "diamonds is a girl's best friend". It's insane that girls have to be pranced around like this. Dressing immodestly, especially with the trashy moves dance now does with little girls and teens is so sad. Which is interesting since you just recently asked a question about teens wanting to dress immodestly and being 'shocked' at how they dress. Well, because of people like you who push it to be 'cute' and 'sexy, but in an innocent way' in situations like this, then punish people who stand up for morals. I have seen wonderful modest costumes that still allow the dancers to perform just as well. Bravo to this mom for speaking up. I'm sure several other moms would like to as well..

You know what REALLY gets my goat, the parents who let their children play football in those slutty little tights. What are they thinking? You can see the entire shape of their buttocks, their genital area (enhanced by some sort of CUP!!!), and have their shoulders built up. Are those boys on drugs? It sure looks like it with huge shoulders and neck. And they slap each other's bums and bang into each other. Mmm hmmm. We all know what THAT means. They look like a hussied up Greek sex statue. EEK!

Same with swimmers. Geeze. All those young people showing their BARE legs and their BARE shoulders, HOW SKIMPY!!! I don't let my kids on the swim team because they aren't allowed anymore cover. Their coach says they have to wear a one piece suit, color coordinated for team unity. I am so mad.

Do NOT even get me started on cheerleader's outfits. Are they wearing a sandwich baggy? And when they jump and jiggle around, especially when they FLIP around you can SEE their UNDER PANTS!!!

Tee hee hee. I'm kidding of course. Part of being a part of a sport / team is agreeing to wear the appropriate outfit / sports wear. Perhaps she'd feel more comfortable enrolling her daughter in a dance that is associated with a longer hem line? Bummer for the kiddo though.

My niece took hip hop and I never saw any photos of her in short shorts or short skirts with shorts underneath. She took dance all the way through HS. Five inches is very short. I don't think I'd be comfortable with that outfit on my young teenager, either. Five inches from my hip I'm going to guestimate is the length of my hand and that would *barely* cover my butt. Why are they so short? And you didn't say booty shorts, but how long are these "shorts" that are supposed to make it alright. What about the rest of it? Does it have sleeves? Is it low cut? There are a lot of variables.

Are the costumes bought already or are you telling them what to order? Can you find something less revealing?

While I 'get' that things like wrestling singlets and football pants and cheerleader gear is also tight/short, it's not entirely apples and apples. I've seen ballet skirts longer than what you're describing. And for the record, I don't think suggestive cheer dances are appropriate for girls, either. Especially 12-14 yr olds.

Frankly, if all you are going to offer to her is this outfit or no dance, then you should expect her to withdraw her child and graciously accept that withdraw if she does.

When I was 12, my mom pulled me from a chorus after she didn't like the lyrics from the summer show. I got study hall instead. I got over it and as an adult I can see her POV better. Not everything is appropriate for kids or for your kid and sometimes you have to make the call for your family that isn't "popular".

(To another responder, if my daughter got into dance and the instructor hid the outfit til the week before the show and then might take issue with me having issue with an inappropriate outfit, we would not be back. That's just rude to the parents and students, IMO.)

And yet you wonder why your 11 year old wants to dress skanky.

My dance costumes were always tasteful the only thing I can picture are the outfits they wore in mean girls. I'm sure there other more appropriate things to wear.

Edited: I think you all are missing the type of dance it's not ballet or tap we are talking about where short skirts, tutus are acceptable to show off leg movements we are talking about hip hop (which in my opinion is not dance) whe I find lots of the moves inappropriate paired with slutty outfits.

Good thing you don't teach iceskating!!! THOSE skirts are only 3 inches long, and have a bikini brief/leotard as the bottom portion.

AND REALLY GOOD THING you don't teach gymnastics. Done in leotards, with no skirt whatsoever. Ditto Ballet... where there's either NO skirt, or it stands out from the body showing the leotard underneath.

Dance shows legs. For a reason. People got ticked about 150 years ago when Anna Pavlova cut her skirts. Mom's a LITTLE behind the bell curve. And no... you're not wrong. If mom doesn't want her daughter wearing the costume, daughter doesn't have to preform.

Hip hop cracks me up. People get SO up in arms about costumes that cover, on average 50% or MORE than every other dance genre out there. UM... SHORTS ARE UNDER-FREAKIN-NEATH!!! AND there's even a skirt portion (that, or it's a *really* long shirt). Please. Anyone complaining about shorts needs to go look at what a leotard covers.

I am guessing the other mothers arent happy about it, they just arent brave enough to say it to your face.
Just because this mother had the guts to tell you she didnt like the dress, doesnt mean you have to tell her to basically get over it or leave. That is very poor customer service. Is there any way you can work with her. Is there anyway to have the company add a couple of inches on her dress or ask her if she can have a seamstress fix it (under her cost) She may look a little different than the other girls, but if she is happy that is all that matters. Have you ever heard the saying --"when somebody has a good experience they tell 1 other person, when they have a bad experience they tell 100" ?

If I had a daughter, she would not be dancing for this very reason.

That's a shame. It's a legit art that's being trashed up (ostensibly under the goal of being "glamorous") and contributing to pressure on girls to sexualize themselves. Most of the costumes are ridiculous and inappropriate. When these girls come to me in MS and HS, they are the ones who often have no problem with acting in an overtly sexual manner and wearing provocative clothes. Why wouldn't they? - it's all been so normalized from such a young age.

I think your call was unprofessional and insensitive. If you really cared about this girl dancing for the love of dance and development of her talent, you would have offered to accommodate the mother by either changing the outfit or allowing her to add material to it. Instead, to spite her mother (did she hurt your pride by challenging you?) you are only giving the option of non-participation for a child who is currently working hard.

I also assume her parents are paying for lessons by the semester or year? From a business standpoint, they are not getting what they paid for from you and could be subject to a refund, although it would certainly be better practice if you would make this slight accommodation for them. In exchange, you have grateful parents / clients who will tell the neighborhood about how much they appreciated your flexibility and understanding, which results in more potential business for you. Having a "customer is always right" policy can literally pay off. Conversely, bad news travels fast and you could lose not only their business, but other potential clients, when they relay this exchange to other parents.

As a professional who is working with CHILDREN, you need to understand and respect that families have differing values and you are not going to change them, nor should you be influencing kids to buck their parents over these issues. You must err on the side of keeping your music choices, costumes, and practices above reproach. When a parent comes to you with a concern, your response should be to ask how you can work together to resolve the issue, not to kick out a child who is working hard and may have no say in what his / her parents are deciding. If you want your kids to love dance and work hard, you don't squelch that by insisting on "my way or the highway" over such a trivial issue.

Please reconsider your decision.

I am shocked at some of the responses, I guess a lot of people have never been to a dance recital!
There is no way every parent will be pleased with every costume, music choice, choreography, etc. I would think as an experienced dance instructor you would be used to this by now.
My daughter's dance school has very strict rules about all kinds of things and I can tell you the parents have absolutely no say in costume choice, it is not a democracy (this is clearly stated in the contracts we sign.) Of course a parent can always pull a child out if they don't like this policy but it is an excellent and exclusive school, so the *smart* parents know how to step back and let the instructors do their job, part of which includes choosing what they consider to be appropriate costumes.

I don't have a daughter, but if this had been me, I would have pulled her out of your studio. 5 inches?! I think it's absolutely apalling that girls are sexualized so early. What's wrong with letting her wear a longer skirt, or longer shorts underneath? Who cares if you think none of the other mothers had an issue with it, or what other studios do? Since you're so concerned about your daughter dressing immodestly, why don't you become a leader and start offering more modest dance costumes (and hopefully dance moves too!)?

Reminds me of an episode of Dance Moms

yes you are wrong here. She of course doesn't want you to pull her kid who has worked hard, by saying that you could, makes you sound like you don't care about the kid at all!! Maybe the mom could of discussed it nicer or try some other tactic, but really it sounds like you are suppose to be the professional in this situation.
Just because no other parents complain to you, doesn't mean they don't have a problem with it. Some are less confrontational, some don't want to be the only one or to speak up. If it is the length of skirt, please just let her get a santa skirt that she thinks is appropriate or long shorts that go to much closer to her knee. Really you might find it appropriate for this age, but as a business you really need to consider, others who have more conservative values or religious values that are different.

Why not let her put leggings or something under it?

Could she find shorts that are longer (like bike shorts) in the same exact color as the other girls shorts?

I think that from what you have described the costumes are inappropriate for the age. I wouldn't want my daughter wearing that.

I think you probably could've found a better way to handle it with the mother. Personally my response to you would've been that I don't carewhat the other mother's are doing with their kids. Same thing I tell my kids. It doesn't matter what the other kids are doing you need to do what you know to be right.

Just my opinion. I hope you can get things worked out with them.

You weren't wrong but you could have been more diplomatic. Also, you really should have considered it to be too short for these young girls. Shorts help but how long are they?

It might have been your approach, it was kind of harsh with no wiggle room for the concerned mom. Rather than just telling her you'd pull her daughter from the dance you should have tried to talk her into liking the outfit and let her be the one that finally said "Well, I don't like it so I'm going to pull her from the performance".

yep I too thought of the Dance moms show.......it's way to short for my liking. My SIL pulled our niece out from dance because she had a problem with costumes being inappropriate. She is 6 though. I wonder how this mom made it till her daughter is almost a teen and never had a problem with costumes. It's your studio, you are the boss.

What was the mothers reasons on why she was upset with the costume? Modesty, money, colors, etc...?

Just curious...when I read hip hop I think old school - whatever happened to the baggier jeans & tighter shirts? When did hip hop turn into provocative dress? Just my little rabbit trail :-)
Could have been more diplomatic IMO. I'm not fond of skimpy dress on young girls or provocative dance moves either. To me, that's the big difference between ballet, tap, gymnastics, singles figure skating & hip hop - sex isn't a given in the others...it kinda is in this style of dance.
Just my thoughts...hope it works out well for all involved.

She probably should have known the costumes would be immodest and inappropriate for her daughter. But, she didn't. I think you should give her an option of lengthening her daughter's outfit. Most people have no issue with immodesty in their daughters "costumes": cheerleading, dance, etc. I, personally, would. This is part of the reason we don't participate. I know better.

Our dance studio has all parents sign forms at the beginning of the year including an acknowledgement of what the child will need to wear at the end of the year recital. When my daughter did competitive cheer, they did the same thing, stating clearly what the required uniform was for events as well as practices. I would suggest that if you don't already do that, that you start doing that so there will be no surprises. That being said, I'm guessing that the people who think the costume is "too short" don't have daughters in dance. Short costumes are the nature of the beast in dance and cheer. You can't really do this stuff in knee-length dresses.

For parents who absolutely don't want their daughters in short dance or cheer skirts (or tennis, presumably), there are liturgical dance classes where the girls wear skirts to angle length. Even back at the dawn of time when I was a cheerleader, the rule on skirt length was 2 finger-widths below your butt (so about 1" below the butt). Pretty short! And that was 20 years ago! (And I turned out fine ;)

Might she have been able to add a little more material to HER daughter's shorts in the same color so they would be just a wee bit longer (not bermudas or capris?). Still shorts but not short shorts.

You know, kind of a compromise so this poor little gal could still perform.

That way it keeps good will spread throughout the dancing community
which translates more business for you. Kid of a "keep 'em coming back mentality".

As Riley pointed out, my daughter wore a heck of a lot less in competitive figure skating at 8 years old. Sometimes we have to deal with difficult clients and handle them differently.

Maybe she is just one of those people that likes to complain. I have seen dance costumes with no skirt at all, doesn't that show more?

My daughter is in competitive dance and they do a winter show, not recital, but a show. The girls all wear red, sparkly leotards, and short sparkley red skirts. It's part of dance. It's not in bad taste, but not totally appropriate if not for dance.

I don't think you're wrong, but I would take her concern into consideration. My daughter is only 4, so I can't say for sure how I'd feel about the costume on my child. They don't seem that bad. In high school, my dance team wore full body spandex and trust me, you could see it all. My dad, a minister, probably didn't love the idea, but never showed concern. Sometimes, that's the type of outfit that fits a dance routine. They're not wearing it out on the street, just during a 3 minute dance. Still, it's her preference for her daughter. I agree with another responder that giving the mother the option to lengthen the skirt would be a nice compromise. Her daughter would be devistated to be pulled from the dance just beacuse of a dispute over the length of a skirt. Is the mom overracting? Maybe a little, but again, it's her daughter, her preference. As for you, I'd suggest the lengthing option, try to keep the conversation civil and see if you can't figure something out so all parties are satisfied. It is about the kids, after all.

It wouldn't bug me, but best to err on the side of caution. Maybe if you put opaque leggings on underneath? Like others said, it's probably best to cater to her if you want her money.

You are running a buisness. Be professional about it and give an option for a longer short if the parent/child is uncomfortable.Isn't it more important to have a happy customer? Vs. Being right? Make a happy medium and you will have clients for life.

M

You did nothing wrong....I don't the skimpy outfits either...but given the shows with little girls being dressed up like women and in some cases women of the night....that mom should have asked the questions before she inrolled her child in dance classes. Unfortunately, it will be the child who will suffer the most if she is pulled, but ultimately it is up to her parents to make that call. You still should be paid fo ALL services rendered.

Blessings...

Your outfit sounds adorable. I work in the clothing store inside a dance studio and gymnastics business. We sell all kinds of clothes and supplies. I enjoy looking through the catalogs and helping pick some of the costumes, or at least giving my opinion.

I don't think this sounds inappropriate, too bad you can't post a link to the catalog picture so we can see what it looks like on the model.

My 7 yr. old is performing this coming weekend in the Soffe football capris rolled up then pushed up a bit, a soffe hoodie that has the muff like pocket on the front, and they are wearing a black tank under, showing in the V of the neckline. They have the basic white hip hop shoe and no show socks. I think they will look super sharp. There is one little girl who will not be performing this coming weekend nor at the Christmas program due to religious beliefs. It is the mother's choice to allow or not, if this mom has an issue with the costume she has the right to say no and expect her child to still participate in the class but not perform. She will still be gaining the skills and learning so she can eventually perform when allowed.

If they were doing a winter show then I think your outfit sounds like something our studio owner would select, even for the younger class that my girl is in.

Let her be mad. It's your dance and costumes. At least she saw it ahead of time. My dancers get to see their costumes the week before the show if not at dress rehearsal. Plus, it doesn't sound inappropriate to me and I'm super picky when it comes to modesty. =) I don't like dealing with high maintenance parents. Good luck to you!! BTW~ I read some of the other responses and with shorts, does it matter how short the skirt is? I was a cheerleader and we only had bloomers under our skirts and for ballet, our skirts were sheer and you could see the leotards through it. If it's a cute outfit, I wouldn't worry but if it's "sleezy" maybe you could reconsider. But it sounds fine from what you described.

Not at all, no one is forcing her to keep her child in dance, and with the shorts under it the costumes sound just fine to me.

This woman is your customer. She has paid you good money for dance lessons and you spoke rudely to her. You don't think that was wrong? Aren't you the same mom who couldn't believe that people let their 11 year olds go to school dances, but you are fine with dressing up other people's middle schoolers in slutty outfits so they can perform for their parents and grandparents? I don't think peek a boo skirts that suggest you're seeing their underwear (even though you're not) are necessary. I think you should offer two lengths of skirt and let each parent choose for her/his child. I don't mean the skirts need to be below the knees but offer something that's not a crotch duster.