Husbands Finances

Hi, H.:

I can see why you are depressed. It sounds like you are trying to carry all of the expenses.

It sounds like you don't have the tools or skills to take care of yourself emotionally and socially.

I would suggest you go to some support groups to gain some skills in taking care of yourself

Al-Anon Family Groups are for family and friends of Alcoholics. Co-Dependents Anonymous is for people who are co-dependent on others.

Look on the web and go to some meetings in both groups.
CoDA.org

PA Al-Anon Family Groups

Good luck. D.

Holy COW is there SERIOUSLY a law saying spouses MUST PAY 1/2 of bills?!!? OMG!!! I dint' know the law specified the shares any roommates had to pay for rent much less spouses! I'm BLOWN AWAY.

OK, Anyway, here is what I would do, and I'm SO SORRY you are going through this. It sounds like you want to leave but feel you can't because of the lease. So I'm going with the assumption that you are willing to leave him in general since he drinks and treats you terribly and is not being a good provider-these things will not change. Therefore you should leave, and it sounds like you would.

I would not try to negotiate in any way with him on changing anything he does, since that will not happen. You need to let him know you cannot live this way anymore and you want to separate. You know the lease states you must continue to pay half of the lease. (I'm still blown away-are you SURE?-check on this law and hopefully other moms here have input on that law too-I would have a free consultation with a divorce lawyer and ask about this, they may know a way around it). Tell him he needs to find a roommate to move in after a specific date.

Before you do this, take the time you need to decide when you would or could move-I know it's very hard if you're not able to save your money because of this insane law, but think of all your options and work toward this goal. Worst case scenario you'll have to wait out the 7 months, but you can still be planning for your future without him, and get a different roommate when the lease is up.

I know it seems like you'd be no better off financially with a different roommate and the expense of a move-in deposit etc, but you'll be freed from him and able to live life from a whole different angle (and meet someone else) that will lead to a new future, unlike if you continue to stay with him. It may be good to move in with friends or family for a bit if you have that option.

If your relationship was great, and you had agreed to split everything, you would have spent that much money anyway for the next 7 months, so don't think of it as a financial loss that will permanently ruin you if you have to wait it out and pay. Time passes quickly, and it gives you a chance to plan with a roof over your head for a while. Just making the decision to leave will free your mind a bit rather than feeling overwhelmed by the grim future of living with a man like this forever-which makes every little hardship seem debilitating. Keep things separate in your mind and make a plan you are pursuing. This will help with your depression, because you won't be dwelling on the frustration of living with him. People can't always act right away, but you will be able to change this. Be patient with yourself and focus on what you need.

You will come back stronger in the future when this is over and this lesson will help you. As in, never settle for this treatment ever again-you work too hard! It is so common for strong women with self made resources to end up with men who won't support women. Start over! There is a difference between two people pitching in for a greater good and one person hoarding and and treating a spouse like a roommate-which you already know. I really pray for you to get through this to the other side. Best wishes!

ps, I just want to say, that if you are really taking action to leave because of his selfish hoarding, there is a tiny chance he might try to change if he wants to save the marriage-the separation may reveal this later-but do NOT take that upon yourself in the form of trying to make him change with the threat of leaving, or having counselors tell him he really should not act that way. This will only waste more time and divert your focus from what is best for you and the kids. As long as he can act this way and keep his family, he will. You must take action.

The logical thing is to sit down together and devise a budget, giving consideration to the difference in your income.
HOWEVER, since there is a drinking situation going on, I know for a fact that logical solutions will not work. Find an Alanon group in your area and start going to those meetings. Logic and common sense can NEVER be applied to a situation where there is chemical dependency.
If you fell you NEED to leave IMMEDIATELY, then call a women's shelter near you and they can make suggestions/arrangements for you and any children that may be involved.
I wish you all the best.

Money is always a stresser. I would sit down with him and see why he is being so stubborn about it. My husband makes more than me also and his paycheck pays for all the bills and mine is for daycare and groceries and the car payment. He shouldnt be giving money to his sister, he should put it in savings for your family! also, if he has a drinking problem i would try to get him to get help, or cut back. My hubby also drinks, and i dont. He has cut way back and only drinks once a week on out night out. it sounds like hes trying to make you feel trapped.

Sounds like you have a lot on your hands and need to speak to someone. I suggest going to see a psychologist to get you throught the next several months. If you live near abington, pa I suggest Dr. Cory Bank www.abingtonpsychology.com. good luck and my prayers are with you.

H.,

There are a few questions i have and some advice, because I was in a similar situation many years ago.

I would suggest counseling for yourself and your husband. If you have no insurance, check with your pastor or you can find help that charges on a sliding scale. If he refuses, go anyway. This way you can honestly say "I tried" to your kids when the questions start. This will also give you some insight as to what you want and how to go about getting there.

Once you figure out what you want to do, leave or stay you have to formulate a plan.

If you want to leave, then you have the length of the lease to make that happen. Start setting money aside, look for a different or an additional job, look for an apartment that you can afford, etc.

If you choose to stay, hopefully the counseling you get will help you cope in a difficult situation.

H. there are all kinds of things you can do. You are in a very abusive relationship. You need to do something for yourself and your kids. You deserve to be treated better. You can go to victims intervention and they will set you up with an appointment to discuss your options and they will provide you counciling for your situation, and how to deal with it. They can also set you and your kids up with a place to stay if you need to get out in an emergency. He will not be allowed to know where you are at. Don't mention to him that you are going there, or he might get angry and stop you from going. They can also help you and tell you what to do about your contract. I believe that things like that can be broken in situations like this, either way you can't stay and put up with the bad treatment from him. It's not good for you or your kids. You have to be strong and follow through, or he will keep up like this. If you want to work things out with him, Victims Intervention will also help you handle that.
You could also apply for housing assistance. They will find a place for you to go quick if you tell them it's an emergency. You pay what you can afford under this program.
If you need more help just message me. Good luck.

I AM NOT THE BEST TO ADVICE YOU BUT WHAT I CAN SAY IS THAT I'LL PRAY FOR God to advice you accordingly . He is the only one who helped me and I mean He totally helped me you may call me if u like to ###-###-#### thanks

I feel bad for you ...I can't imagine going through this. I would advise you to get legal counseling. There has to be somewhere that women can go for free legal advice. The thing is, and I hate to say this because I don't know you and PLEASE forgive me if I am wrong, is that from what you write it doesn't sound like your marriage is very good and it is probably not going to last. You seem very unhappy and trapped in a situation that is bad for you and obviously for your kids. If you really think that the man that you are married to is trying to "ruin" you then you need to act. I would urge you to become educated on PA State laws. If he is really giving $ to his sister to save then you have to wonder why. A good guess is that he is planning for HIS future which sounds like it may not include you.

I would also seek out some kind of counseling for yourself. Sounds like you could use someone to talk to while you go through all this. A counselor would help you tap into strength that is within you to do what you got to do. Also a counselor could help you to determine if your marriage is salvageable.

Good luck to you.

It shouldn't be 50/50 and not sure how long you've gone like this but yes something is wrong. Cut out things then and sit down with him. He should account for his money to you 100% if it's large amts. I would guess other problems as well? Get a counselor asap.

I couldn't agree with Amy J more!

Call the YWCA of Greater Pittsburgh's Legal Resources for Women: ###-###-####

Also: Alle-Kiski Area HOPE Center, Inc. PO Box 67 Tarentum, PA 15084 Hotline: (888) 299-4673

The HOPE center will help you with your first and last month's rent if you are relocating due to an unsafe or abusive situation.

I have a feeling that you are getting dome bad legal advice (is this coming from HIM?). Let me know if you'd like to speak with a close friend of mine (who is a lawyer) if you aren't helped by the above resources.
((hugs))

I am sorry you are going thought this. First as others have said, get counseling. You can offer for him to go with you but if he doesn't don't make a big deal and go yourself. Find a divorce attorney and get a free consultation even if you aren't commited to leaving just yet or even if you aren't thinking of that at all, just to get some info, and so you know your options for the future in case you ever do decide to leave. You have rights. As for the lease, I don't know for sure, but was under the impression that if you are splitting with intent to divorce then you are no longer liable if not living on the premesis, but it really depends on the wording of the lease, which I would take with you to the divorce attorney. They will be able to tell you exactly what you can or cannot do legally. Also, if you divorce, he will have to pay child support and alimony, and you may have more money in the long run. If you have any doubt he will pay, you can request it be attached to his wages, so he never sees that money, his employer will pay you directly what he owes you each month. If you are planning to move out, you need to plan now as none of that will take immediate effect. As soon as you leave, I believe you can apply for child support from him. But ask if you can stay with family or a frined so you can save money for a few weeks to get your deposit for a new apartment if you don't have many saved now, and start putting money away now for yourself just in case. Open an account in your name only and start adding a few dollars every pay check, even if it is just $5 or $10 a month. Please just take care of yourself and if you do nothing else, get some couseling, it will really help. Good luck!