Husbands Father Not Speaking with Us

So.... my husband's family..... well, let's just say that my husband is an anomaly. He is in the military, so he "went away", got married as an adult and started having children once he was able to take care of them without depending on anyone else. This is not usual behavior in his family. So, neither he nor I call on the "Matriarch" for help, and that seems to be an issue. Not to get into too much detail, but perhaps his parents feel slighted that they are not needed more by you and your husband and thusly feel justified in the unequal distribution of their time and affections. Given the alternative, I would choose to revel in my independance and not play t heir reindeer games. Good luck to you.

You are an adult. Your husband is an adult. There is no reason why you should be participating in these ridiculous junior high mind games. (I'm not talking to you anymore, so there!) I'm so glad your husband spoke up. As long as he did so in a calm, controlled way, you two have done all you can do. I will share a quick story.

My sister is a trained psychologist. Her husband's family had a very messed up dynamic, always pulling each other into manufactured drama that had nothing to do with them. After my sister pointed this out to her husband, he calmly confronted his parents about it and said he wouldn't be participating anymore. His parents blew a gasket and called my sister some pretty unflattering things. Her husband said that he would respect them as adults and they needed to do the same for him. They completely cut off contact with my sis and her husband.

Two years later my sister had a baby. By this time her in-laws had gotten the message that the only contact they'd get would have to be respectful. They decided it was a price they were willing to pay to see their granddaughter. It's been 14 years and although her in-laws still have their issues, they know better than to dump them at my sister's door.

Bottom line, we tell people how to treat us. Your husband has to be the one to deal with his family. You need to stay out of it.

Best of luck to you!!

My take on it is to forget them. Stop trying to include them in your life and force them to be a part of it. When you stop this, you will have the weight of the world off of your shoulders-- Let them be for a bit and see if they come around. It may take some time for the things your hubby said to sink in and resonate with them. Until then, enjoy your life with your kids and don't ask them for anything! Let them come to the realization that they are missing the kids and you and want to be a part of your life-then will come practically begging to you to see what they can do to make it up and join your lives again. I know its rough, but just explain to the kids that they are busy with other things and people right now and when they are ready they will come around again. GL!

M

I think you should go ahead and distance yourselves from them for awhile, it will make your visits more pleasant.
They will learn to appreciate you when they can actually "miss you".
Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
Don't feel guilty, just do it.
It's not good to compare how you are all being treated differently, you shouldnt have to notice these types of things. Sometimes families can be "too" close and it can mess up the dynamics.

You family sounds like the "go to" household for your In-laws. You are the ones that they go to for support and assistance, whereas they are the ones that the sisters go to for support and assistance.

I think every family has a "go to" relative. I was the "go to" for my family and my sister was one that got all support from the ones coming to me. Drove me crazy at the time, but in hindsight, I realize that, to the family, I was the one who had it more together, therefore, the one they could trust more when they needed help. In short, I was dependable. Was this situation inequitable? Yes, it was and often I resented the role thrust upon me by family...but I also realized, even at the time, that someone had to assume the role.

Another thing that struck me in your post - your in-laws are maybe 1st generation in this country??? Please correct me if I am wrong. But could this be a cultural issue wherein the son is expected to take on a more active role in the support of the parents? And by extension, you also? Again, inequitable, frustrating, and unfair - but it may help you to help your hubby if this is the case.

I am sorry I don't have more to offer...

Good Luck and God Bless

Stay out of it..........I have been w/my husband for over 20 years and have always tried to make "nice" but it would always backfire. Whatever the issue is with your husband and his family was there before you came into the picture and honestly as much as we will try to fix it, it will always be there. I understand about the holiday and the children, believe me I do. My oldest daugher had to have emergency surgery 5 yrs ago and that was the last time my father-in-law called. He called while we were in my daughers room at the hospital just after she had surgery. Going on to my husband about something that really didn't matter to us at that time, as our daugher almost died and when my husband told him that he couldn't talk right now that our daughter had just hemmoraged and that they did surgery on her the man never even asked how she was and never even called back - not even to this day.......now I understand why my husband would tell me not to ever expect too much and I guess I shouldn't have. It's their loss and a ashame how people can be, but don't beat yourself up over something you have no control over.

I've been married for 20 years and for the first 16 or so pretty much had the same experience as you. The only difference being that my husband has only one sister (who emigrated to England with her 2 boys) and his parents live in a different city from us. Long story short, I just kept being polite and ensured that they had as much contact with my husband and kids as possible. I don't know what finally made them decide to include me in the family after all these years, but it happened! I don't know how old your children are, but (if they're old enough to ask you why their grandparents don't treat them the same way as their cousins) reassure them that it is not that their fault and tell them that their grandparents do love them, even if it doesn't always show. Lead by example - if they see you being loving towards their grandparents, they are more likely to do it too. Unfortunately there is no "quick fix" to this dilemma and I KNOW how hurtful your in-laws' behaviour is. The only hope I can offer you is that "this too shall pass". No matter how good or bad, they will always be your husband's parents & sisters and the best thing you can do for your family is to ignore bad behaviour and focus on any positive you can get! Whatever you do, don't force your husband to "take sides". If you have brothers or sisters you will know that even if you fought with them, you'd immediately defend them against any "outsider" that might pick on them. As hard as I know it is, you need to be the better person here and try your best to "smooth ruffled feathers"! Be patient and loving. Eventually they'll either change or die! I know that's not something anyone actually wants to think about, but how do you think your husband will feel if they do die suddenly and the last thing they said to each other were words spoken in anger? Urge your husband to make peace with his family. Regarding the holidays, just do what is best for you and your family. If you have a tradition of all getting together for Easter lunch, I think you should go (but have an "exit strategy" - like oh gosh, is that the time already? We have 2 go cos so-&-so is popping round to our place). The "exit strategy" is to be used by either you or your husband in case you start to feel tense or upset. Remember kids are experts at picking up "vibes" and subtle body-language cues! You are not alone in this. God Bless!

I'm glad your husband spoke up to, but if he is feeling sad, he should go to his parents and have a talk.

I know it's difficult at times, but HONOR THY MOTHER AND FATHER, they won't be here forever.

Happy Easter to your family....try to get things resolved.

Blessings......

Stop answering the phone, stop having your husband translate - tell them to let the daughter do it when she picks up the kids, don't invite them to your children's things - especially if they (the kids)(end up being hurt even if they (grandparents) DO go.

They need to learn to respect you as you do them and if they cannot but still continue to use you - then avoid them. Find a Nanny, sitter or daycare for those 2 days you need child care... it'll be easier on you than the guilt trip and stress they heap on you for having your child over with them.