Husbands Ex Wife

My father and his second wife's ex husband play golf together, I dont understand it, but it works for them. men work differently then women do, are you in the wrong, not from what I see but I do not have the WHOLE story to judge all I can say is you have to have discussions geared towards the male mind not the females, leave emotions OUT and be practical.
Good Luck to you.

Have you told her any of this? She is an adult and should understand. If she's not a reasonable person, then perhaps your husband should say something to her?

As for her showing up unannounced and uninvited, I would have told her at the door (not even letting her over the threshold) that you and YOUR husband are busy entertaining at the moment and had she called first you could have saved her the trip over. She'll have to wait until you have time to get whatever it is she wanted and you'll contact her when you're available. Smile politely and close the door.

While I do think it was rude that she showed up at your house unannonced and uninvited for a recipe (helloooo-email, phone text anyone? lol) I don't think she's out of your life just yet. You now have common grandchildren/holidays/weddings etc ahead of you.
I'd ignore this incident because it will make you look small (even though I know it's annoying!) to all involved.

How did she hear about the family gathering? Perhaps one of the sons has been inviting her. If so, then it's something you are going to have to talk to them about. Next time she shows up, don't let her in the door. Answer the door, tell her to hold on and wait outside while you grab the recipe (or whatever excuse she'll use next time), shut and lock the door, grab the recipe and then give it to her. Then say, hope it works out for you and shut the door again. You need to still remain cordial, so that future gatherings where you both will be involved with the grandchildren and such will be more comfortable, but you can hold your ground as well. Your husband should probably talk to her about respecting your family's privacy if she doesn't take the hint.

I agree w/ you, to a point. I can see where you would not want her over to your home; however, it is something for the kids or grandkids (even when they are grown) she should still be invited. I don't mean just if they are coming over but if it FOR them.

I would have told her that you had company and would have him call her w/ the recipe soon.

t.

Mom, please ask your husband to man up and ask his ex not to drop in unannounced. She is being rude and intrusive and apparently has not mo ved on like she should. He needs to respect you and understand the fact that it bothers you and do something about it. I imagine he is flattered by it in some odd way knowing that she still wants to be a part of his life. Insist on it.,Hope this helps.

I think that is unacceptable. It's unfortunate your husband does not agree b/c I was going to suggest he should speak to her about this. Even if you didn't have a trust issue with her, she still has no business showing up like that. I would try talking to your husband about this to try to make him understand. He wouldn't want a man showing up at your door looking for you.

Good luck, N.!

I totally agree with you, this is inappropriate behaviour. I take it she has not remarried? Your hubby maybe doesn't want to make an issue of it in-case it causes animosity among your family. 25 years is a long time to put up with this. Do other family members ever mention to you that they also think this is weird? I really don't know what to say about this as if she is quite forward in just turning up she sounds like she would go nuts if you said anything to her about it. I have to say I admire your restraint in staying cool and calm all this time. Good Luck

nope you do not have to include her in your life anymore. The kids are grown , the only interaction they should have should be concerning the kids and with them grown that shouldn't be much if any interaction. Things like grandkids birthdays I can understand but just a family gathering no.

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Unacceptable. Stand your ground. She had no business being there.

I'd feel the same way as you, if I were in that situation. I'd talk to your husband about it again. He probably feels the same way and is unsure how to handle the situation. Maybe you both can come to an agreement on what to do in the future and battle this together. It shouldn't take long for her to get the picture. =) Good luck!!

Well, showing up is just plain rude. The excuse is flimsy at best- did she want to borrow a cup of sugar too?

The reality here is that you have children and grandchildren in common. Those grandchildren are going to have graduations, weddings and other events that will necessitate you being together as a FAMILY. You don't have to invite her for tea on a Saturday afternoon, but if the kids/grandkids live out-of-town and you are having an event, it would be courteous to include her. Despite them being adults, remember that they are STILL in the middle.

Be coureous, but clear. If the family is in town for a weekend, invite her for one specific event. If the kids/grandkids are local then talk with your stepsons about how they feel. How does she find out about these events? Odds are pretty good that one of them fills her in b/c they want to see her too.

I wouldn't say that you are being "nasty", but somewhat "catty". You've been married for 25 years... if your marriage is solid and your husband has given you no reason to question his judgment, then smile... invite her in... and pour yourself a nice glass of wine!

No, I don't think you should have to include her in anything unless the event is centered around one of the kids, or one of the grandkids. Has she not remarried? Is she just bored and lonely? No matter what her problem is, it should not be your problem. She needs to have her own life.

Try to work this out in a respectful and civil way for the good of the WHOLE family.
Try to put your personal feelings aside for the sake of family peace.

When you and your husband got married you knew he came with baggage. His past will always be around, try to work with it and not against it.

Best wishes.

i think you should put your foot on the ground and ask your husband to deal with this. i don't agree she should just show up. the cord has been cut 25 years ago. it's done. she needs to let go.

I feel for you my dear so bare with me.

It is hard to know when tolerent behavior is needed and when it is not. For the Kids and grandkids it is easier when everyone gets along. I hate when I have to do family things and my side and my husbands side HATE each other(I hate his side too) but I always have to separate every event into 3 My ads side my mom's side and then his side. wow BS. If you can swallow the BS and deal with her it wil make life easier for them.

HOWEVER, just showing up to your house uninvited with no warning is RUDE and UNCALLED for. Your hubby needs to realize they you are a family and she is just an additive once and a while, you would like to have some privacy and you need her to repect that. There is not need for her to come to your house with out being invited, and not calling first. This is unexeptable behavior and you need some privacy.

Attacking her will only push feeling to take side, even though you have the right to feel the way you do, you still have to be careful about how you approch him or he will get defensive. Just tell him you enjoy the alone time with your family and would appriciate the repect and a call first with appropriate time and notice before visiting.

Good luck, again I feel for you.

Updated

I feel for you my dear so bare with me.

It is hard to know when tolerent behavior is needed and when it is not. For the Kids and grandkids it is easier when everyone gets along. I hate when I have to do family things and my side and my husbands side HATE each other(I hate his side too) but I always have to separate every event into 3 My ads side my mom's side and then his side. wow BS. If you can swallow the BS and deal with her it wil make life easier for them.

HOWEVER, just showing up to your house uninvited with no warning is RUDE and UNCALLED for. Your hubby needs to realize they you are a family and she is just an additive once and a while, you would like to have some privacy and you need her to repect that. There is not need for her to come to your house with out being invited, and not calling first. This is unexeptable behavior and you need some privacy.

Attacking her will only push feeling to take side, even though you have the right to feel the way you do, you still have to be careful about how you approch him or he will get defensive. Just tell him you enjoy the alone time with your family and would appriciate the repect and a call first with appropriate time and notice before visiting.

Good luck, again I feel for you.

Tolerance breeds contempt. You tolerated her and now you have contempt for her.

You said she wasn't welcomed but your husbands actions towards her presence was welcoming meaning she wasn't turned away at the door by him. This would make me furious with my husband of 25 years.

Are you really mad at her or at him for taking your feelings so lightly? Be true to you, if you don't want her in your life stop playing make believe and tell her that in the nicest way possible or even better have your husband tell her but we just prescibe to the house of keeping your enemies closer.

I would think that after 25 years of marriage there wouldn't be so much emotion coming from you towards his ex-wife. There are many divorces and remarriages in my family and by at least the 10 year mark there is just an acceptance of it being what it is. Now when we have family functions, ex-wives, ex-husbands and all the children come. It's weird but reall cool because we all belong to each other.

As an 'ex-wife' myself I have to say that I agree with you! I have often said if my ex and his spouse moved to another state and just sent the child support checks, it would be fine by me! We are all very polite to each other publicly and have worked together when we needed to regarding my son- but honestly, my husband and I are my son's primary family. His relationship with his dad and stepmom is more like going to visit a favorite aunt and uncle a couple times per month. This is all because of THEIR schedule, not ours, but that seems to be the way they want it!

Anyway, I moved out, got a new job, met a terrific man, got remarried and moved ON. It sounds like your husband's ex can't do that. Honestly, I've only been divorced about 6 years and I cannot ever IMAGINE dropping by my ex's house to ask for a recipe, lol! That just sounds like the lamest excuse ever.

Obviously you will still see her sometimes at family functions for the 3 adult boys and their kids. If she wants to stay friends with other relatives of your husband's, that is their business. But no, you should politely and firmly talk about this with your husband and explain it just the way you did above.

There is no reason for this woman to intrude on your private lives anymore. Sure, 25 years ago you husband had 'baggage' - who doesn't? But that doesn' mean the situation should still be the same now! You are his wife and you deserve more respect from him- and his ex, who sounds like she is just taking advantage. Good Luck!

i'd be right there with you. when you were young and the kids were young it was necessary to have a relationship with her, but those needs are long past.
that being said, i'd be courteous in my excising. if the situation becomes confrontational it will be difficult for the folks you 'share.'
if that sort of situation arises again, i'd simply say 'he's busy at the moment. i'm sure he'll be happy to share the recipe with you tomorrow. why don't you call him then, or better yet shoot him an email?'
and close the door firmly.
khairete
S.

Tell her she is not welcome at your house. If you wanted her there you will invite her, also if she keeps showing up get a restraining order. Tell your husband that this is what you will do if he doesn't stand up to er and tell her to stop. If it bothers you that much then you should do something about it. I agree with you about not having contact with her anymore due to the kids being grown up and having their own lives. If you want there families over that is your business not hers! You do not HAVE to let her come over and you HAVE a right to tell her to get lost!!

I have to "deal" with an ex-wife as well. But I am raising HER 11 year old (since she was 4). So, I am civil just b/c I have to be and for our daughter. I don't think you should have to include her in your life. Especially since her boys are now men. I am on your side and think she needs to back off and leave you and your husband alone unless it has something to do with the kids.

I agree that she overstepped with a weak excuse about a recipe(is your hubby the cook in your family?), but you could diffuse alot of your anger by looking at it from a different perspective. Is she a lonely woman, looking for a connection to a family that she doesn't seem to be included in any longer? You've dealt with her for 25yrs. You have children and grandchildren in common for life. Why can't you just welcome her to all the family gatherings as you would a friend of the family? Yeah, you may not be crazy about her, but every family has a crazy aunt or uncle or cousin that everyone puts up with for the sake of family. I think everyone else would see you as kind and generous for including her. She may even be easier to tolerate if you changed your approach. My hubby and I have 4 exes between us, and we all manage to be civil---it's SO much easier on everyone.