Long story short 1.5 yrs ago my husbands position was getting relocated 6 hours away from where we lived. Neither one of us wanted that move for many reasons. So he ended applying for a promotion that moved us 3 hours from home. Of course it was hard at first but we have adjusted, and I am happy here, the kids have adjusted and thought he was fine too.
Well now another position is opening that if he gets it we could move back, or stay here. We have talked about the possibility of moving back before and I have said I really don't want to move back. But now that it's a possibility, he's brought it up numerous times. And now he's using the kids as the reason saying that we are robbing them of family and grandparents.......
Honestly, when we lived there we didn't see family much either. Unless it was one of his sisters' kids birthdays, we rarely saw them. They have missed nearly all of my kids birthdays and anything else we invited them too. His parents split up in the last few years, so we had to do separate parties for the kids, meaning grandpa had to come by alone. And we hardly saw them either. And we did make an effort. We would see my side of the family, but again it's not as if we saw everyone all the time and now we don't.
When we do see family now, it's because we make the trip. In over a year the only sibling of the 5 my husband has that visited flew in to see us, the rest have made no effort. My mom and sister have visited 2x. While I do miss our families, I honestly don't feel compelled to move back because of them. I never liked the area we moved from, horrible LONG winters and lack of culture and things to do. I have done more and met more people in the year and half here then triple that back there. There is a LOT of drama with both sides of our families too, that I'd rather stay removed n from. And much of it unnecessary.
I feel like my husband is clinging on to memories of family that just aren't there anymore. Again, I feel like effort on both sides is lacking, and it would be the same if we went back. We have went back up probably 12-14 times since we moved. And even then half of our family couldn't pencil in time to see us.
Is it really "robbing" our kids to not move back to where our families are? My Grandparents lived 5 hours away from me my whole life, but I still got to see them and it was always a trip to look forward too.
Honestly I just have no desire to go back. But it's not all about me. At the same time, I feel like my opinion should matter too. I have always been willing to go where ever he needed for his job and to advance in his career. But this move wouldn't be necessary. And if he applies, he's already been told he's a shoe in, so this is on his mind a lot.
Curious as to others thoughts!
To Boss Fan moving 3 hours did help. We are 3 hrs south, so while there is obviously still winter, there's not 2-3 feet of snow on the ground!! And it takes longer for the snow to start flying.
I think he feels guilty that we moved because of some of the family drama. His parents split for example. His mom and sister are together practically every day, and it's always been that way. Usually things we invited her to do she didn't because of previous commitments w/ them so it's not as if she's alone. And as I mentioned the only time we see the sister is for her kids b-days, and then every holiday as we were expected to spend at least half the day at his mom's
Moving would do nothing to further his career if he takes this position. We can live here, there all the way to Wisconsin.
Thanks for helping me feel like I am not being selfish, I am thinking of all of us. I honestly feel it's mentally healthier for us all to not go back there.
I think you should stay where you're at, and no I don't think you're being selfish.
Kids don't need to be repeatedly uprooted, you like where you're at better, and you're really not that far from family.
is it a lateral move or a promotion? if it's just the same thing, same old place, i'd avoid disrupting the kids again. but if it advances his career it's probably worth it.
doesn't sound as if the family reasons are compelling enough to sway the situation one way or the other. what does it look like if you just consider it on its career merits?
khairete
S.
You and the kids have put down roots where you currently are.
This is now home for you - not where you came from.
Encourage your husband to make community ties locally.
Things/areas/people/family change while you are away.
You really can't go home again - not the one you remember from your youth.
And if family is that much full of drama then moving the kids back would be robbing them of the peace they have now.
Are the schools better where you are now?
That's more important than family you only see every once in awhile.
Is he having a mid-life crisis?
I grew up in a snow belt - wild horses could not drive me to live there again.
It's easy to visit in August and be a little nostalgic but going to the old home in February for a funeral and experiencing white out blizzard conditions with almost zero traction totally got me over it.
I hate the slipping/sliding, the scraping the ice/snow off the car, the shoveling - clearing driveway and sidewalks and don't forget the frozen lump at the end of the driveway after the street plow dumps it there, I hate the way the road salt eats away at the car, etc.
Been there, done that, not doing it again.
I don't think you are being selfish. I think you like your life right now. It sounds like there is more going on here than just family back home.
We are a military family so we move around a lot. I have learned a few things that make a difference when you move and maybe some will help.
1. A year and a half isn't as long as it sounds when you compare it to the amount of time spent in your hometown. Moving that first time is hard and it takes awhile to get settled in but the good news is you only move away from home once and the rest is just relocating. It could have happened faster and easier for you than for him.
2. It helps you feel more rooted in a new place if you have things you are involved in locally. Has he been so busy working that he hasn't made or taken the time to develop a life where you are? Has he made local friends? Has he gotten involved in local activities? For instance, if he likes to golf has he found a favorite course he really likes. Have you found friends as a couple to go do things with or families to hang with for football parties or cookouts? It helps.
3. More important that location, location, location is perspective, perspective, perspective. When we were stationed at Wright-Patterson in Dayton we lived about 3 hours away from my husband's family in West Virginia. Three hours is no great shakes when you are used to living 16 hours away or, like now, across the ocean stationed in another country. We could leave after breakfast and get there before lunch. He could go down on a weekend and just hang with his friends and family if that was what he wanted. Or I could take the kids and visit when he had to deploy or go TDY. It was the perfect setup. We were far enough away that we didn't have to be involved in the family drama unless we chose, but close enough that we could visit whenever we wanted. It might be better for your husband to change his perspective before he changes his location.
You are right. You can't merely think of yourself, but neither can he. Unless not taking the move will have negative consequences for the whole family in terms of finances or the like, I think it's only fair that he give more than a year and try to make a happy life with you there. I think it would be a great idea to get to the real root of the problem and deal with that before you totally upend your lives for the second time in two years.
Hope this helps,
L.
@ Boss Fan - Cleveland is about three hours away from Cincinnati and is on Lake Erie. It is so much colder there in the winter it's stupid. I was amazed at the difference three hours could make.
You're not being selfish but the two of you need to talk. His way, your way, my way isn't going to accomplish anything.
The kids are fine where they're at and they would be fine moving, kids are resilient.
Have a good long talk about why he wants to move, I'm guessing you're a young couple and his desire to be close to family is like you say "clinging on to memories". That's ok to hang on to that stuff but it sometimes isn't a reality. Hope it works out.
I've learned in life that it's not all about the job...unless you don't have one or there isn't opportunity where you are. It's about your family and happiness. If you and your kids are happier, your husband needs to see that. I completely get the family thing too. We lived your EXACT situation. I grew up in Cleveland and moved to Cincy at 15, it's 3 hours but it's not that far. We made the trip sooooo many times. If family isn't willing to make the trip to see you then that's their problem. And while it's not that far, the culture and weather is extremely different. You can only understand if you've lived it LOL!
My instinct is don't go back! I've seen the isolated life (KY) and I've been gone since I married. When we first moved, we wanted to go back. It's a bit fear and a bit nostalgia, mixed with not being grounded in the community.
I had friends that did go away and then back home. She said they didn't see relatives near as often as she thought they would. We both decided, if you don't live next door, as many do back home, it just doesn't matter where you live!
I know what you mean about opportunity and less drama! My kids have done things i never dreamed of doing. They kept very busy in HS and now college. Back home, a lot of mischief and pregnancies because of nothing to do.You kind of get drawn into the drama if you are back there. When you are away, people have to make plans to come see you. That alone, filters out drama.
We live about 12 hours away. When the kids were little, we stayed with the grandparents at least twice a yr. They got to know them well. We were glad to see each other. It made the visiting special. Sometimes they would try to make us feel guilty about not visiting more. Road runs both ways, buddy.
Try inviting people over, playing cards. Find a good church. Volunteer. You need friends and connection to keep him there.
If you are happy there I would not move. We moved back closer to family (we moved from Alaska where I was VERY happy to the southwest and now we are a state away from grandparents) and having family be closer was a big reason we moved. But if I could go back in time I would stay in Alaska. We don't really see family all that much more. I also think you should not move because 3 hours is NOTHING. You are so close!!! We take weekend road trips all the time where we drive 5 or so hours. If I had family that close to me, it would be so darn easy to visit them any time we wanted to! (My mom is a 14 hr drive away - too far!). I have major regrets about our move at times. I think you should stay where you are.
The kids need stability. If you like your new area and the kids are doing well, then I vote for stay!
If it's not going to further his career, if it's not a promotion with more money, I would not accept his reasons for moving. His family was already not seeing you all much. Nothing will change there. However, if he's really jonesin' for family, and they don't want to spend much time together, it's going to hurt him. At least 3 hours away, it's easier to think that it's because of the distance...
Home is where the heart is and where you make it. You have made this your home separate from the parents and all enjoy it for the most part. The kids are happy, you are happy and hubby wants a change to make it to the next level in his career.
You state that the move is not really necessary for the advancement then state put. If he feels he has to go back, let him get a little apartment for a few months to see if it is really worth moving the whole family back. He could become a commuting dad.
I understand moving for career advancement but if you have an unhappy crew at home because of the move it is not worth it.
Moving around military wise is different than moving around civilian wise. Orders are sent down and you have a month to six months to move. Prepacking begins, weird meals are started (eating up food on hand), clothes are sorted and removed/given away, extra things not needed are given away and then you move to the next location state side or overseas.
Do have a nice loving private chat with hubby to find out "why" he wants to move back. It will not be the same as he remembers it. Family will not be the same as they have their own families and routines. If they didn't make an effort to see you three hours away they are not going to make an effort to see you when you move back. They will kind of expect you to do all the visiting and not understand why you won't drive another 1 or 2 hours more to their homes. Stay out of the drama nothing good comes of it.
I live 6 hours away from my grandson and son and DIL. I tried to get hubby to move closer when grandson was little. Grandson wishes all the time that I was nearer to him (16 yoa). Soon he will be out the door and I will not have the precious times I wanted but we make the best when we are together. He knows he is very special to me and why. Climate is another factor in my visits. I always state "weather permitting" meaning if a snowstorm is scheduled for the area, I will not be traveling. I won't even fly due to the weather to their home. I spent four long hard, cold winters in Quebec shoveling or scooping snow and clearing driveways with -32 as an average winter day before wind chill so I know what cold is.
Keep us posted.
the other S.
Look at the next rung up the ladder after this new opportunity, where would it require you to live? As kids get older it's harder to move. If his career path will eventually (couple promotions down the road) require you to move back then go now while they're young. If not, stay put. Not having grandparents near isn't as life altering as he makes it. We see my Mom once a year, my MIL 3-4 times a year, and my FIL every month or so. Kids know they all love them, distance/frequency hasn't affected the relationship. If family isn't making time to see you when you come to town to visit they won't make time to see you when you move back. Proximity doesn't change that, attitude does.
You may be being selfish...but it sounds like you've thought this through a lot. I live 3 hours from my sister and 2 from my mom and somewhere in between for my aunt. I see them probably as much as I do my local in-laws and I acknowledge that sometimes it is easier for me to make a day trip than ask them to come here. I would talk to him more about this and why this is so important. Is he hearing complaints from his family? Does HE miss his family?
You said that you feel like he's clinging to something that no longer exists. While you and the kids were acclimating to the new area...did he? Or did he just go along to get along? Have you and he ever done any sort of chart to compare other things like schools and activities? If he's rolling out the kids as his primary reason, then you need to also bring up things like them doing well in school, having opportunities where you are, having friends, etc. Their well-being is more than where their grandparents live.
I had local grands and far away grands. And then we moved and the opposite was true. Local or far, my mom's side ALWAYS made more effort than my father's side. Sometimes people are "out of sight, out of mind" and while that is sad, if you have to shove yourself in their faces, is it a good relationship? Is part of DH's issue that his parents are not together anymore and it's harder to make time for them individually? Is he mourning, in general, the family unit as he remembers it? Divorce can still affect people when the other relatives are adults. If THAT is the case, it needs to be addressed independent of the move. Moving won't bring his family back together.
I'd also ask him if this is about the workplace at all. Is he happy at this office? If not, is there any option to stay but move to a new office?
I have a friend who is looking to move again. To be honest, we see her as much now as we did when she was in CA, so the move could be very far and we'd not lose touch. We would email and skype and visit on holidays (her family is local to us). So if you'd likely see the grands just as much, why uproot? I think you need to know what's really in DH's head here and yes, you do get a say in where you live. Or you should. Even if you move, it needs to be mutual. You are not a military family by the sound of your post. This is a choice.
ETA: If your DH feels responsible for his parents or their split, then that is something entirely different. His guilt should not drag your family back to an area that is not beneficial to you. You can suggest counseling for him. He an call his comapny's EAP program. Even as adults we are affected by changes in our families. Their marriage was not his to save or end. Being or not being there would not have made a difference. And if he's jealous about his sister, then that's again not something that should affect your move. He cannot force a relationship between himself and his mother that doesn't exist.
I don't ever think you should make big decisions for other people. You have to make them for you, your hubby, and your children. The rest will work out. If they can't make time for you when you lived close by, I certainly don't think you should move back because of them.
I think you and hubby need to talk about why he really wants to move...is it to be back there or is it work related issues.
You said you are 3 hours from home...are the winters really that different? Just asking because I wouldn't think 3 hours would make that much difference regarding LONG winters.
I think that your kids will be happy anywhere you go.
You're not being selfish, he is.
