Husband Troubles - Bronx,NY

I think it’s important to prioritize things in your list. It seems that first priority is for your husband to succeed in his business because if he can’t provide good income to his family, everybody will suffer, including your beloved son. You may not be able to continue with your school and may need to go back to 50h/week job, if his business doesn’t go well. Then next is to take good care of your son. First three years in children's life is very crucial and you do not want to mess with it. I don’t think your school can be first priority before your husband’s business or your son. Because it’s long term. It’s nice idea but if you really push it forward, things will be very tough. I think it’s reasonable for your husband to help you so you can study though.

What is it that your husband can’t help when he has time? Have you ever discussed the issue with him? But do you know what? Guys are pretty simple. They can be pretty helpful if you’re helpful to them first. It sounds like you’re stressed because obviously your focus is study. But if you want to get his help, you need to fulfill his need first. Being married over 20 years, I realized that man’s sexual need is as important as woman’s need for chatting. Nothing wrong about it, men are made as they are, same as how women are made as they are. So…I don’t think you should ignore that issue no matter what the situation is.

I think you should sit down with your husband and discuss how you can help each other without blaming, without getting upset. Communication is the key for good relationship. Make sure you listen to him until he finishes his sentence and use I-message. (You start your sentence with “I” instead of “You” so you’re not getting into blaming mode. Conversation goes like this. I feel frustrated when I can’t get help from you to watch our boy and can’t study because I can’t study when he’s around. )

Last thing to tell you as my best advice. Have sense of humor. See your situation as if you’re watching funny TV show. Don’t be a drama queen. If you see yourself and your situation more objectively, you can find something to laugh.

Dear Friend,

I too am 28, and have aspirations and opportunities for a successful and fulfilling future. I have two small little boys. The thing is, I can always do the career thing- but my little boys will only be little once. We try to have it all, but when we are so busy pushing to have it all, can we really enjoy it all? My best advice is to support your husband, enjoy your little boy, and be patient with your dreams- I bet you can advocate more for civil rights and ideals for a better world to your children & community by demonstrating patience, unconditional love, sacrifice, and putting others first. How can you teach your child that there is a season and time for everything, and to live a life of balance and harmony if you are stretched so thin that you become bitter towards the one you love most?

Today, I could have done a business deal that would have brought in thousands of dollars... I could have started righting that book I know will change the world, or took that online class I've been dying to take... but, I had the best time ever taking a leisurely walk through the country with my two little boys and teaching them about the caterpillars and butterflies, and sooner than I think, I'll have lots more time on my hands to pursue other areas of personal expression and growth. We can't all have our turn at the same time- sometimes we need to share. This is the grown up version of what we teach our 2 year olds who are fighting over a toy.

While my husband was in West Palm Beach at a business meeting, my little boys and I rode on the lawn tractor and mowed our lawn, cooked and cleaned, and played... it's really not such a bad way to spend waiting for "my turn". And I hope when it is my turn, my husband will be just as supportive of me as I have been of him.

Sometimes the written word has more power than the spoken word. In this case I would venture to give it a try. May I suggest you write down your schedule for him *in advance*. Tell him on this day / time / duration you need him to be there to watch his child / cook dinner and that you will be going to the library to finish some research (you must leave the house for this to be a success). Don't explain anything further (this is the hardest but most important part). Get confirmation that he received your note, negotiate the time and adjust, as needed, for conflicts. Then no matter what, on that date / time don't give in.

Be firm if he tries to back out. Use his first name and say, HUBBY - We've discussed this. I have a very important reseach paper that I must complete. I'm going to the library now to get this done. (Stay silent at this point) Pack up your books and head out the door.

Stick to you time limit (initially suggest 2 - 2.5 hours). I have a feeling you'll be amazed at how well it will all go.

Good luck!

D.

Your education is incredibly important - you never know when you will be the sole breadwinner for your child.

It sounds to me like he's more like a teenager than a husband. Get to counseling - this is not sustainable.

You deserve a life too.

HEY! I totally understand the stress of wearing ALL hats ;-p I will tell you the one thing that has given me peace and has truly changed my husband is the book, Power of a Praying Wife. Even if you aren't into that sort of thing, still read it! SO GOOD! Not that you need one more thing on your plate, but you can read a chapter in 5 minutes and that's all you need per day. Is a chapter a day. Hopefully this will help...

Hey Sweetheart,
I can somewhat sympothize. First you need to realize that you are doing the right thing by supporting your husband while he trys to make a go of his business because it hopefully will benefit your family as a whole. So keep your head up there. The other thing you should realize is that being there for your child is the greatest thing to him/her. Leaving your job and taking a cut in pay to better the future of your family is a FAMILY EFFORT. Your husband seems to want to go about his life and not be bothered with compromise and he needs to see that you going back to school is harder than just showing up for work everyday. My opinion is he should have taken the baby to the barbeque so you could study. Babies get irritable. It's natural and there would have been people around to help entertain him/her. He's being a little one sided. Here's what I would do. Concetrate on you, your child and your studies. In a nice, calm way say," Honey, I will be studying on these nights at this time, so be home to take care of the baby, please. And if I get done with it early enough, I can meet you in the bedroom at 10 for some QT." You need set times for everything! Your time, His time, and your family time. You both need social lives, no doubt, but he has got to be fair about it. The fact is that there is a child and the solo-bachelor life is GONE. If talking to him doesn't help, then stop talking and just start doing. Sometimes it's the only way to get through to some men. He will get it and you don't even have to argue or complain. They block that out anyway. Well whatever you do make sure you so it smiling. It makes people wonder and keep your head up. It will all work out.

After our son was born last June, my husband would nag and nag also, about me not having the energy for "us" time. I was so tired after being up with the baby all night, trying to keep the house clean for visitors, and making sure he had dinner on the table when coming home from work. I finally learned to do the "us" thing when I felt most energetic, which was usually first thing in the morning or during one of the baby's naps on the weekends. (doesn't have to be strictly at night time!) So I know how you feel, on top of being a Mom, you have to find time to please him too! I would suggest telling your husband that if he wants to have some quality time at night, that he should probably forfeit the drinking after work and come home before you're too tired to be bothered. And in the meantime, if you find a spare 30 minutes on the weekends, even in broad daylight, get under the covers and have some fun! Sometimes spur-of-the-moment times are the best ones!
That's my advice! Hope that helps.
Lynsey

I honestly feel he's being beyond selfish!! His patter of being away with out you so much is NOT good for a healthy relationship!! Its being set up for failure!! I dont know how to put a end to it, but I would have to draw some lines.... IM sorry your going through that with someone thats suppose to love and support your feelings and dreams... It seems and I seen this before, that if you dont put a end to his going out all the time with out you or at least draw the line to how often he goes out that your releationship will not be a happy one...
I wish you the best of luck ;-) xoxox

Sounds like basic disrespect to you and your needs as a mother and goals as a human being to improve yourself. Lots of people try to start new businesses and many fail. At least you are trying to get a degree that would further your families income.

You need to tell your husband that his ignoring your needs is basic disrespect of you as a human being and if he doesnt take that seriously then I would go to marriage counseling.

If that doesnt work, then it sounds like you are living as a single mother, so why dont you just be one? Plenty of men in this world that are helpful and respectful to their wives and the mother of their children. You need to stand up for yourself.

I also agree getting a babysitter for your own sanity will really help. Even part-time. Try nannies4hire.com

I read a great book that sounds like it's for you: "Mothers on the Fast Track." I found this advice helpful and the interviews contained in it inspiring.

As for your balancing schoolwork and raising your child, I came to a decision that if I were to successfuly finish my degree, then I was going to need a babysitter so I got one. Many other books also adviced that very strongly even if that meant taking out an extra loan. This is with an extremely cooperative husband who takes care of our baby (7months) as soon as he gets back (usually around 6pm), cooks, and doesn't expect me to do any other housework.

As for how you can change your husband.... I don't know... My mother always says to me don't expect to be able to change someone. I think you need to decide whether your dream of becoming an attorney is more important to you (in which case it sounds like you are going to have to hire domestic help or a babysitter) or his new business and his networking is more important to you. If you make up your mind and pursue that, I think it would make you happier.

It sounds like your husband is only thinking of himself, and he has no respect for you and your feelings. Its his child too and he needs to spend time with him and not his friends.Kids grow up so fast and he is going to regret that he wasn't around so much. Try talking to him about what needs to be done because going out for drinks and leaving you to tend to domestic duties alone is not a 50-50 marriage. In my opinion that is a deal breaker. After all he was in on the child making process too so he should sholder some of the responsibility as well. Men are so self centered it makes me sick sometimes. Well good luck.

Hi QA,
I hate to ask, but does your hubby have a drinking problem, too? He sounds a bit irresponsible and childish, and not stepping up to the plate. I suspect you have had quite a bit of argueing about this, so I think you need a change of tack. You might want a few sessions with a therapist about how to address him about his behavior as well as your preventative measures. Do you go to AA meetings? It would seem you need to set up a schedule wherein you establish very clear expectations of his babysitting one or 2 evenings/ week. Obviously you both have needs and deserve to have time to take care of them. Making up a schedule may piss him off if he's really narcissistic, but I think you have to try it. Sounds like you have to put in some together time, too.
Good luck! And KUDOS for going back to school--very brave and very wise!
A.

My husband was like that too. It also didn't help that he would complain to his parents who would tell him that "Since she gets to stay home with the baby it is her job to do everything and everything should be done by the time you get home from work." The trick that worked for me was I had something I had to do and couldn't take my son. I was going to be gone the whole day. My husband took the day off from work to stay with him as we had no day care options. I also left him a list of everything that I was expected to do during the day so that he could do it all. When I got home the apartment was trashed, dishes up to the ceiling, every toy out, and my husband had not had a shower yet. I asked him why nothing got done ( that was his line when he got home from work) and he said that he was taking care of the baby all day and didn't have time for anything else. He was also so tired he went to bed at 9pm. Ever since then he has NEVER complained about "us" time not happening, dishes not being done, and the house not being clean. (We now have 4 children). He also gives me every other Friday as a night out for myself and has all the kids in bathed and in bed before I get home. He knows if he helps me out there will be energy left over for "us" time. I am not sure this will work for you as it doesn't seem like your husband is around much to spend a whole day with your child. Maybe if you suggest if he helped you out a little you would have the energy for some time for him. Maybe that would work. Good luck.

What kind of hours do you expect to work once you achieve your "dream" of becoming a civil rights attorney?

It sounds to me like you are going in circles. You quit a 50 hour work week to study for a new, possibly even more time-consuming career?

Hubby needs to "man up" about his committments to family.

There are times when many women have no energy for their husbands, but he needs to know that you are there for him. The more "love" you show him in that department, the more he will want to enjoy family time, without you demanding him to do so.

You may need to reconsider your career plans. This crazy schedule will create more problems than it's worth. Your son needs you and so does your husband. But hubby needs to cut out the extra-curricular stuff, too.

Its always hard with a newborn. I found my husband wasnt so much not interested in helping, but more insecure about his ability to handle the situation. As the children got older, his participation was more involved.

That being said, sitting your husband down and having a serious talk about the concerns you have is the key. Do it when you're not tired or upset so that you can both talk w/o making blame or getting into an argument.

Let him know your trying to be supportive of his new venture, but you need him to have some extra time for the family as you also are trying for a new goal. See if you can work a schedule were 2 nights a week he is home by 7pm to give you a break and time to study.

Dont worry about a messy house, right now there are more important things happening. Make sure your getting enough rest and the proper nutritian so that you keep your health up.

Congratulation and best of luck!

S. M.
www.EmpoweringWomenForSuccess.com

I can hear the frustration. I know you will get lots of responses saying your husband should grow up but I think half the problem is the new business and he is worrying about it. You quit work for a good reason but this increased the financial burden on him. Going out with other businessmen is part of the job since he has to develop a bond with local business owners. I bet he is really stressed, too. Could you get a mother's helper to occupy the child while you study? That would relieve some tensions all around. Even your child feels it and acts out. How about going to bed when the baby does and then studying in the wee hours of the morning. If you have a church affiliation you could get help from older women in the congregation. Even finding another mom to have a babysitting coop would give you some free hours. Your husband may be holding back feelings. He must have some fear of business failure...only natural. Maybe that's why he wanted to escape and have a little fun. Tough going for all of you but you'll reap the rewards for all your hard work.

one solution is to LEAVE the house and plan to do school work/studying at the local library, starbucks, etc..

That "forces" your husband to take on responsibility (and, if he wants to go to bar-b-que, he'll take youngster along too!.

Sounds like you have communication issues. He's not listening or you are not getting your message across with enough strength. You have to let him know you mean business about needing YOUR time ...whether that be to study or spend time with your own friends. If this leads to an argument....so what. Start planning your day the day before and let him know the hours you need and tell him to step up to the plate. As you said he is a parent too. My mom always said not to lose yourself in the process of being a mother. If we don't give back to ourselves ...who will?!

Congratulations on your decision to improve yourself and your family. There is no reason to feel guilty for this.

It sounds like your trying to solve several issues.

First - Time Management. You inicated that you were working 50+ hours, now your going to school part time (9 hours) and studying (10-15 hours). It appears that you have an additional 25 hours. When you were working, where was your son? Is it possible for your son to continue his "day care" part time? It sounds like you could use some help... a babysitter, a housekeeper, or my recommendation a mother's helper. I suggest making a list of everything you do and approximately how long it takes you. Seeing it in black and white will really help you to make decisions. It's also something you can discuss with hubby.

You mentioned a siblings alcoholism. Is this taking up a lot of your time? Is it causing stress in your marraige? Remember, YOUR child and husband need to come first.

Some good advise I received was sleep when the baby sleeps and define your definition of "clean". Which is more important, spending an hour at the park with your son or an hour organizing the closet.

Second - Hubby's time away from home. It sounds like his new business requires him to do lots of socializing and making contacts. Is this the case? If yes, than you need to continue to support his efforts. If you think he may be using the business as an excuse to hang out with his buddies, than you need to have a serious discussion. Either way, maybe you can ask him to committ to being home at least one night a week.

Third - Hubby's not helping out at home. It's time to have a heart to heart with him. When you both have some down time, you need to calmly discuss your concerns. This is where that list will come in handy. You mentioned you've been together 8 years.

An observation... How long have you been married? His behavior sounds like someone who is not ready to fully commit to a marraige and a child. If this is the case then you may want to look into some counceling.

I've read several articles in various magazines that say "each person should have one night/afternoon (2-5 hours me time) in which they can go out with friends, see a movie, take a class, etc., while the other person handles the kids and household chores. You should also have date nights.

Good luck to you.

Congrats on going back to school, while taking care of so many responsiblities. Write your husband a love letter and pour your heart out. Tell him exactly how you are feeling (in a loving way) and tell him that you need him. I think telling our husbands that we "need" them empowers them to be better. When I am stressed from graduate school, ministry, work, and our two-year-old-- I make a heart shaped card and place it in front of hubby's computer and tell him that I thank him for being a good father and husband -- and then I say let's make a date for "afternoon delight" -- then after that, I say I really need you to come home a little early this week and help with the baby... pleeeeease. Then I pray, and it really works. Just try not to be fussy and naggy.
Hope this is helpful.

Quit. Ever see that movie "Mommy on Strike"? I quit today because I have to schedule when I can take a shower and for how long without messing up everyone elses needs. I got tired of not being able to get my nails done for the first time in four years cause everyone else needed things. I've had it.

Put your foot down. None of this sugar coating nonsense trying to be nice. That's Crap. When he gets home from work be ready to walk out the door. He does what he does because YOU allow it.

I've been there. I am a single mom now, going to school online, selling Avon for some extra cash for ME, and trying not to totally flip out. It's hard raising children alone especially when the father is there full time.

Get your kahuna's back and make a stand. He won't like it but stick to it. If you cave in, nothing's going to get better.

Hi.

Okay, so some of the advice I read so far was good and some sounded a little too dramatic. There is nothing abnormal about your conflict with your husband- of course he is indeed being selfish and inconsiderate but he is doing 'him' which is by nature what men tend to do (and check out how much more career success they have too! But, I'm not saying that to say we should imitate it, there are indeed other successes and women also by nature tend towards understanding that). Anyway, first, breathe. Be calm and remember that this is a normal conflict, he is being very male and that none of that means you have to let it go on because afterall, there is a point in men & women hooking up even though they are from different planets.

2ndly, it is important to support his needs as a man because in the end it will lead to better health in the marriage. His sexual needs, business needs and relationship needs.

3rd, it is extremely important that your needs are met. You have a need and drive to suceed in your education and career goals- shame on any woman that wrote anything to you to make you feel guilty about that. You do not want to end up with resentments because you had to give this piece up about your self when you had the drive and opportunity to do it. Pursuing this will propel you to match your inner and outer selves, thus making you a more whole person and a much better mother than feeling that life ripped you off somehow b/c you instead had to tend after child/husband exclusively. It's not about the career as far as money and that kind of success goes- although we'll keep that a bit of a secret from the opposite sex for they too tend to look at the concrete and tangible results.

Okay, so how to do it all? ... here goes. It is SO important to all of this that you started this change with his full support and a clear coversation about supporting each other's dreams. Start this next conversation by gently reminding him of that and how much you appreciated & still appreciate his support, etc (communication tip- Positive Reinforcement!). Then how much you appreciate that he is working so hard at his new business, how much he cares about making it great for you guys as a family, how hard that must be for him and that you acknowledge the sacrifices he's making for that, etc. etc. (communication tip- stroking the ego). Then move into how you wish there were a "magic" solution that could simply resolve his yours and your son's competing needs, but that us grown ups living in the real world realize that there isn't one. And that you trust that if he had really realized how much this current situation is compromising your dream, he would've handled things differently just like there is no ill intent on your part to compromise his dream. (Communication tip: Benefit of the doubt/trust). But that given the current amoung of emotional and mental stress you've both been experiencing, that it seems to you that the two of you need to re-think things and figure out as a team what you can be doing differently.

You are going to have to pray/meditate, etc for patience, love, trust, etc. before during and after this conversation. But you CAN do it and you really need to. His reponse might be "I don't know..." (and it almost should be, versus a schlew of self-defense) and you can say you don't know either and need his guidance and thoughts to try and figure it out (this puts it back on him). See what he comes up with, if anything. Whatever it is, make sure it's a real suggestion (not just, okay, I'll try harder) and again, not by attacking but by asking questions to draw him out more. Fully support whatever idea he suggests and try to make it work, if it doesn't, you'll both realize it and go back to the drawing board. And in the meanwhile, have a pocket full of suggestions possible. Even if he's not likely to jump on it (such as, well, maybe if we had a nanny that would help, would you like me to look into that?). He'll at least take more seriously that you are serious about finding a real solution to the obstacles in the way of your career goal.

And remember, this is NOT about casting your son 2nd to your career. Or your husband either. It's about looking in the long run to be the kind of wife and mother they really need, which is one that is happy and fulfilled. No other exterior "solutions" is going to really solve that- it is your task as an individual. Also, important side note- be sure to "contract" that time of conversation before you have it. Ask him can he make time for the two of you to take a walk/drive, etc and talk for 10 minutes. (or whatever is a realistic and manageable time frame). This way he is somewhat mentally prepared for conversation and not running out of it by "I gotta get to work/sleep/etc."

Sorry I sound so much like a therapist, can't help myself I guess since I am one. But certainly a wife and mother as well and I can definitely relate to your position! Uggh, I won't even begin to tell you my battle stories of trying to get through my Masters Degree. I know I've already gone on and on, but in case I don't talk to you again I want you to remember for the sake of your own sanity and spirit that even if you execute all of the above perfectly, you will still have to deal with this again and again throughout your education career. It is part of the cost you personally have to count. But be patient and be consistent with him, unless your husband is beating or otherwise seriously abusing you he is most likely a good guy that just has flaws. He will grow and come around if you handle it with wisdom and consistency. And it is a good & Important skill for you anyway b/c guess who's coming up next on that list?? your precious baby boy.

Good luck, N.

First of all, let me tell you that you are a dynamic woman to do all that you are doing. Try writing down your daily schedule, including everything. Show it to your husband. Maybe seeing it in writing will make him realize how tough it is for you. Talk it over with him and see if you can get a babysitter or mother's helper to come and watch the baby while you study. Good luck with all your future endeavors!

You have a lot of irons in the fire - you can only handle so much. The best advice I have it to check out flylady - she'll at least teach you the secrets to feeling like you have some control at home and with your son. Good luck! Visit www.flylady.net!

QA,
from what you are saying it sounds like your husbands does not want to take on the responsibilities of parenting. i went through this with my husband last summer and basically told him that if he does not want to a parent and share the responsibilities of parenting he could pack his bags and i would be fine w/o him. this was a wake up call for him and he turned his attitude around both towards me and our 5 children. he now helps most of the time when he is home and though i still do almost everything as far as home and kids he will steps in and take a day off when i tell him i need him home and his help. maybe this is what you need to do.

I found out the hard way that when life turns difficult some men can't cope and prefer to stay away from home rather than chip in (in difficult "life" times people's true color shows through). The only advice I can give you is talk to your husband calmly, and maybe seek some professional advice regarding how to approach him in talking regarding your feelings and needs in a way in which won't make him feel like he's under attack. If that doesn't work, than it's up to you to decide if you're prepared to spend your life with a person who clearly runs away from familial responsibility. If was great when it was just the two of you, but can he handle family life, and the main question is "can you handle him if he can't help you?".

Good Luck to you
Katie