Husband Not a Good Babysitter

My husband isn't a babysitter, he is a FATHER. He had a child to raise him, not "babysit" him. He PARENTS, he doesn't just watch. I think one of the biggest mistakes a woman can make, is treating a father like a babysitter. Perhaps, if he was treated like a father and could help raise his children...he wouldn't act like a bad babysitter.

I get that he is sleep deprived. So are most parents. The thing is, he's not a parent. he is a babysitter, and he is acting like one. If he were expected to father, I wonder if he wouldn't be so short about it.

Seriously, I would not expect Mary Poppins but I would expect the baby to have a clean diaper and to be fed properly when you got home. This shouldn't be that big of a deal at that age. I understand that he is tired, but tired is a way of life for most Mothers. He has to step up...end of story.

How many kids do you have? I'm sorry honey, but my husband is perfectly capable of watching his kids. I had a friend in college who was a new Dad, his Mom used to ask him if he would be babysitting his child (while his new wife worked or went to class) and he would laugh and say "it's not babysitting - it's child rearing!". I have to agree.

My husband was always able to watch the kids, we only breastfed, so that kept me close for the first year and a half, but after that - he can totally handle everything. I try to leave him for a weekend at least once a year so I can get some time with my girl friends and he can have some Dad time with the kids. He works a ton, so I think these weekends are good for everyone.

In my opinion, being tired is not an excuse for not changing a babies diaper. Haven't we ALL changed a babies diaper when we were tired?

I'd start with leaving him lists if he isn't able to do it solo. Mark everything he needs to do (change babies diaper at x:00 or if poopy). Feed baby x amount of whatever baby gets. Etc.

Good luck.

honestly it sounds like the whole dad-working-his-butt-off-so-mom-can-stay-home-with-the-kids is kinda backfiring for dad. how much happier might he be if you both worked regular 9-5's and he could actually see his children without being exhausted and short tempered? i kind of feel for the guy...it doesn't sound like he is very happy, and i wouldn't be either.

the answer is for him to be able to enjoy some time with his kids. all men don't get this feeling naturally. it takes time and unfortunately we moms often have to "dump" the kids with dad until he first, gets used to them, and S., starts to relax and enjoy them. it sounds like your hubby is in a very difficult position. maybe there is a way he could cut back hours or be home more often and that would help. i'm sorry i don't have much better advice, but that's how i am seeing this. maybe i'm missing something.

ETA after reading the other responses - seriously, you women need to back off this guy. give him a chance. he doesn't get much time with his kids and when he does he is sleep deprived, overwhelmed, and stressed out. work WITH him, J.. these women are trying to crucify him. that's great for your ego - are you really willing to hang him out to dry over this? i didn't think so. you do the best you can. to that end, you work WITH him. you don't execute him. he's your husband. if i hear "HE'S NOT A BABYSITTER HE'S A DAD!" one more time i think i'll scream. he has been reduced to babysitter by the situation. so change the situation. HELP HIM. sheesh people!

oh.
my.
gads.
i'm sorry, my dear, but how do you stand to live with this big boob? how can you stand to go on enabling his pathetic behavior?
my husband was my full partner in raising our kids. he didn't babysit them. he didn't do me a favor when he was in charge of watching, changing, feeding and bathing them. he's their FATHER. and that didn't change because he was tired. we were BOTH tired.
i don't know what i'd do about a man like this. i don't even know where to start.
i am so sorry.
khairete
S.

He is not a babysitter. He is a parent. And he seems to need a lot more practice. It sounds like he needs to spend more time, not less time with the kids. I don't see what the point of him having kids is if he doesn't take care of them and spend time with them. Have you discussed this with him?

ETA: Perhaps you and he should discuss you getting a job so he can cut back to more of a 9-5 job. That way he will be able to spend time with the kids and they will actually have a dad. I read your SWH. If you have to schedule the kids to be out of the house if DH is home - is this really the person you want to be married to? Not all kids are lucky enough to have two parents - but the ones whose parents are married to each other certainly should.

I think he needs more on the job training. Men do not babysit their children. They parent them. If he doesn't do those things when you are around, he should start pitching in so that he knows what to do, even when he's tired. Tired? I have a cold and am exhausted, but can I abdicate my maternal duties when DD is awake and home when I am tired? No. So either he shapes up in the fatherhood department or he pays for a real babysitter, IMO. And if he doesn't like being replaced, then he needs to reconsider his behavior.

DH likes to quote Robert Heinlein: "A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying*, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects.”

DH darned well changes a diaper around here. And a hundred other things. He might not do things just the way I do them with DD, but I know that generally speaking I'm leaving her in good hands when I leave her in his care. You need to be as confident with your spouse. They need a father, not a part time babysitter.

I can't figure out whether to be disgusted with him for poor fathering or disgusted with you for insinuating that he's a babysitter. You act like you are THE parent and he is...what? He needs to "watch" the kids? Does he ask you to babysit the kids while HE goes to work?

I have no suggestions for you, otherwise. If he's a lazy idiot that can't change a diaper when he's tired...well...you picked him. I regularly function on just a few hours sleep a night and somehow manage to do a whole lot more than that.

Maybe you ought to let him read your post...it'd really be an eye opener to him. Maybe it's that he's SO detached that you've come to LOOK at him like a babysitter in an emergency...when really, the two of you ought to be working together to raise your collective children.

Ugh. He's not a babysitter! He's a father. It's not sitting, it's parenting. It's not something he gets to postpone until he's well-rested. Please find me one mom on this site (or, for that matter, on this planet) who hasn't been sleep-deprived! We all get up and get the job done. I'm guessing your husband wasn't too tired when there was an opportunity to create these children, so he doesn't get to abdicate his responsibility for parenting them. So what if he "has almost no time for himself"?? You were dealing with children, so he can man up and do the same thing.

You took the other kids so your husband wouldn't be overwhelmed by parenting the same children you manage every day? You worry that he is tired and has no time alone? He works all day - but so do you! It really sounds like you are enabling him to put himself first all the time. A father should be involved in his children's lives, in their school activities, in their social situations. On weekends, he should be eagerly and happily engaged with his kids, not sleeping all day to rest up from his hard work week.

So he either needs to man up, or possibly he needs to see his doctor for a full check up. The doctor needs to know that your husband cannot function for a day unless he has another day to sleep. He could have something going on medically, he could be clinically depressed, he could be lazy, he could be clueless about what it means to be a parent. But you're the only one willing and able to take a step here, so I think you have to start the process of changing this.

I have a friend with 5 kids - their father spent the last 10 years lying around, taking a lot of medications, and even putting himself in the hospital through his decisions and his self-neglect. She handled the kids, every family obligation (including HIS family), and all the activities and social activities. He even burdens the older kids with his woes. They've grown up without a father. Your kids are going to do the same thing. My friend finally divorced her husband so that her kids could have a life. They need therapy but she's getting it for them and helping them to heal. She tried to get him to therapy as well but he refused and chose to wallow in his misery and self-pity.

Don't choose her life, please!

When daddy takes care of his child or children he is not babysitting he is spending quality time with them.

Your husband is acting like a spoiled child. He needs to take a parenting class and possibly go to counseling. I don't care if he is tired, stressed, overworked or whatever other excuse he comes up with. He was interested to be there for the conception of his children, then he needs to be interested in taking care of them until they are grown, educated, and able to support themselves.

I also believe he may be going through depression. He is reasonably young and even though he works hard he should have the energy to care for his children. If he doesn't something is wrong. Or he is simply a neglectful, abusive parent.

Father's are not babysitters. I treated my hubby as such with our first. With my second, I left him with a week old baby while ran errands. I decided it was time for daddy to truly be daddy.

My hubby works long hours too. He suprised me by really stepping up to bat. It's time for your hubby to learn how to take care of his own children.

Uh.....no.
My husband starts work many days at 4:00 am.
My son I'd older now, but he would have Bever NOT changed poopy (or peed) diaper if I wasn't home.
What does he want? A house to himself that someone else cleans for him and leaves cooked meals on the stove?
He has KIDS. Exhaustion is part if the drill.
Sad, really, that you have to take everyone capable of following you with you when you go somewhere.
Solution? Alternate sleep-in weekend days?

This is unacceptable behavior from a parent. Seriously, it's his son too. he is not the babysitter, he is the father. I don't care how tired he is, he needs to step up and act like a parent. If he's too tired to properly take care of the baby, then he needs to take the older ones out to the events himself. It's not fair or right to expect you to do everything, nor is he even giving you any consideration whatsoever.

I don't doubt that he's tired after working such long hours and coming home so late. But that doesn't give him the right to neglect the baby's needs when he is the sole caretaker and just doesn't want to deal with it.

Honestly, it sounds like this is a recurring problem and it's not going to get better on its own. You need to go to counseling, even if it's just for a little while, so he can be told by an external, uninvolved party how much this is damaging your relationship and his relationship with his children.

I'd be screaming at my husband if he treated our kids like this. It's annoying that he plops them in front of the TV if he's too tired to play with them, but they are always properly fed, bathed, and the baby has a clean diaper if I'm not here.

Okay, my first thought was this - your husband is not babysitting. Babysitting is what you do for someone else's kid. This is his child! You take care of your own children even when you're tired and have had a rough day, right? Then so can he. He helped make 'em - he needs to man up and help care for them. Even a tired man can manage to feed a baby properly and change a diaper. It's called being a dad.

So, my question to you is this - is the problem that he doesn't know how to take care of a baby, or that he doesn't wish to? If he doesn't know how, then teach him the basic skills he needs to handle a baby for a few hours. If he doesn't wish to, you have a different problem. He has a shared responsibility that he is refusing to acknowledge. Yelling at little kids just because you're tired is not okay - it is abusive. Not changing a baby's diaper just because you do not want to is neglectful. If this is the reality of the situation, there is a conversation that the two of you need to have, and it won't be an easy one. It might even be best if you have the conversation with the help of a counselor.

Being too tired to play or interact is one thing, leaving a kid in a dirty diaper is just disgusting, and probably borderline neglect.
I'm glad you get 9-10 hours a sleep a night. I'm not sure how that works (?) as I still barely get 7-8 with teenagers in the house. Besides, how does a 1.5 year old go that long without at least one diaper change?

J., I think you are enabling your husbands bad interactions with the children. You should try to do more for him so he can better interact with his children. You boast about getting 9-10 hours of sleep at night. He, probably resents you if he's barely getting 5-6. I know I sure would.

Uh, he's NOT a babysitter, he's their dad. This post just makes me SO incredibly sad for your kids. Please don't have any more children with this person who doesn't really seem to want to be a dad.

First and foremost, I can't get past your subject line.

Fathers are not "babysitters." They are fathers and therefore caregivers. Get your husband to a parenting class if he needs help learning how to parent and do basic childcare. You need to be able to trust him, and part of that is giving him more opportunities to spend time with his own children and expecting more out of him.

Your husband is not a babysitter to his own children, ever. If something were to happen to you, he will be their only parent.

I do not care how tired anyone is, the child in their care comes first.
No excuses, unless he had no arms and no legs.

You need to start leaving your children with their father. He needs the honor of caring for them more often, so that he will get used to the care of them.. Take a trip, go away for a few days every 3 months..

You will parent your way and he will learn to parent his way. No excuses from him.. And No guilt from you for doing what should just be the norm in your lives.

I only know one family that the dad cannot be left alone with his children..He does not believe that is a mans job. But his wife took care of that by divorcing their father. He now only sees them once a week. And she almost has to force the kids to go with him.

When was the last time you were too tired to care for your kids? The answer is probably never because as a Mom, you just do what's needed. There has to be a balance. Yes, he needs some sleep but you should be able to leave the house and tend to your other child's needs without having to return home to a dirty diaper, etc.

We babysit my 8 month old granddaughter. I was admitted to the hospital and DIL and son could not get off on such short notice. Said to my husband "you can do it." I mean this baby adores him and she is the best little one ever. Eats, plays, naps, plays, eats,Plays, naps, then home. She laughs and babbles all day. It was only for one day since it was the weekend. They did just fine together. It has been 30 years since he did this. Was very proud of him. Even managed to get the older kids on the bus and then head back to our house. The more you leave baby, the better he will get at it.

Tell your Husband, that whenever you need to leave the kids home (for whatever reason and no matter if it is just 1 kid or all of them)... that HE WILL NEED TO.... hire a proper Babysitter.
Yes, even if he is also home.
Because, he is not responsible enough, nor safe enough (since his exhaustion is always present), and therefore, he has proven that he is not fit, to babysit.... alone.

Not even changing a baby's diaper... is SO lazy. Selfish. At the least, the baby could have gotten a bad diaper rash.
And he overfed the baby... because he is too lazy and selfish to... properly feed the baby.
All not okay.

So now... HE CAN AND SHOULD, hire a proper babysitter... even if he is home, since he obviously cannot, and will not, watch nor care for his kids, properly.

Tired or not, they are his kids too....I'm sure you get a little tired yourself. Your man needs more practice. I'd say before you leave, let him know what the baby can have or NOT have. He should also be able to change a diaper or two. Ask how he would LIKE to lay in his own STUFF!

I do respect hard working parents, but that is NO excuse to neglect a child who can not help themselves.

First, he is their father and NOT a babysitter. Second, he's not a bad babysitter, he's a neglectful father. If he's not good with kids, he shouldn't have them. Since that ship has sailed, you both need to get out of the mindset that "Dad is babysitting" and get into your heads that "Dad needs to step up...yes, even when tired".

I am sure there are times when you are too tired but are handling them all. Surely he can handle one for a short period of time. The kids still need to be taken care of and it is his job just as much as it is yours. Having that mindset may go a long way so have a talk with him ASAP.

I go to my daughter's PTF meeting once a month. I am away from home for about 1.5 hours tops. This month, she had most of her homework done before I left and was eating her dinner. Hubby texted me complaining the last time because he and daughter were butting heads (she's 6). When I got home I was told that he "didn't like it when I leave in the evenings" because they always have some issue. When she was two and I left to go Christmas shopping (specifically for my daughter so she couldn't go with me...and I am not a shopper so I wasn't going to be too long), I had been gone from home less than 20 minutes, had just walked through the door at the first store and got a call saying "when are you coming home". The rest of the story is kind of funny (what daughter did was anyway) but I was very frustrating that I got that call because he couldn't handle a half an hour alone (at least 35 minutes would be a round trip not including shopping). Men just need to "man up" and be a father.

**I understand that he's tired but you are enabling him...not just allowing his bad parenting but encouraging it by using "drop in care" when he's home so he doesnt' have to deal with the kids and excusing his poor behavior. I guess you have two options...demand that he step up (help show him what to do, get him counseling if necessary) or accept it and allow him to be an absentee dad (sounds like you have already decided on that course).

First, he is NOT a babysitter, he is DAD.
Second, if I was not able to leave my children in his father's capable hands he would not be a father.
Third, stop making excuses for this man and tell him he needs to get off his a$$ and figure it out.
This is unacceptable and you deserve a better co parent and your kids deserve a better father. I do not know many people who love the toddler phase, but guess what it's over before you know it.

I would seriously get both of you into parenting classes and family couciling asap you obviously need help.

I'd have told him off in a big way for leaving the baby in poop for that amount of time. I'd have let it go that he had too much milk to drink. When I'm tired I might do that too just to appease them so I could have some quieter time. I do think he will do better with more experience.

You are not perfect and the baby lived through it. SO I'd let him have a lot more opportunity's to watch his own children. It's part his job too.

Babysitter? No. FATHER.

You need to go out more often then so he has to watch them and interact. Seriously, he is a dad and is just as responsible for their well being as you are. There is NO good reason he can't do that.

It seems like you guys need an outside source to get you on the same page.

Good luclk.

Dad isn't a babysitter, he's DAD. He needs to be a parent. Stop thinking of him as a sitter. If you want a sitter, you'll have to get one. Otherwise, DAD is going to have to step up a bit and find something to do with the baby even if he's tired. They can snuggle and watch cartoons. You can teach him the diapering, how much milk, etc. If he hasn't been taught, he could just be clueless.

Oh my goodness. I know that you've gotten a lot of answers. Though I haven't read them all, I'm pretty sure that people were pretty bunt about the subject line alone.

I understand that your husband works a lot. I'm also assuming that your either work or are a stay at home mom, which is also a full-time job by the way... Do you get the rest you need? Do you get to sleep in? I'm betting no. But no matter how you feel, are your children cared for, fed, clean, talked to, hugged? I'm betting yes.

Your husband is a FATHER. I don't care how tired he is. When you are a parent you do whatever you have to to take care of your kids. Leaving a baby in a dirty diaper and feeding him until he is sick because you don't want to deal with whatever their real need is is not acceptable. Additionally, I would not tolerate him yelling at my kids and sending them to their room because he doesn't have the patience for little kids. He needs to step up and either get a different job or figure out how to have some amount of energy for his family.

Time for some counseling.

Well ok so how about getting a sitter? Hubby can go to sleep while the sitter watches the kids.

I will admit right off the bat that I didnt read any responses or even your whole post but felt the need to comment on your post just over the title alone.

He is NOT a babysitter - He is a parent. If this was someone other than a parent I could see how you could make excuses but for you to be saying that this is because he is tired and has no time to himself, come on. You have kids and you give up many yrs of 'you time' for them.

this is life and any GOOD parent knows that while kids cause stress in ppl sometimes nothing could ever outweigh the benefits and unconditional love that comes with being a parent

Take it easy on your man, in a calm setting talk about your expectations as parents. Sometimes men can be loners, and maybe consider every once in a while hiring babysitter, on days your hubby might have worked long hours. Make sure to always talk about events prior too, so you both know what to expect, and perhaps he's clueless and could benefit by some parenting classes, they have all sorts of videos and books for dad's. Heck we all get grumpy without any sleep, and if he's tired he might be making mistakes. On the same token if he is lazy he could be using "tired" as an excuse. Don't forget that one of the main keys to a successful marriage is Trust, if you cant trust your husband with the kids, then you might as well be a single mom. But more then likely its communication that you need to express to him by telling him what you want, and I don't mean bashing him either. Instead of "Your to lazy to even hold your son when he's crying" Try instead "Sometimes it worry's me when our son is crying, because I feel that he is alone, and I would feel so much better if maybe you can show him a little bit more comfort. Also we can not make personal suggestions for your marriage as we only know one side to your story which is yours, and plus we can only walk in our own shoes, so I feel that no one has a right to tell you what to do; however if you are posting your concern here then there obviously a communication issue between your husband and yourself. Work on it little by little because you never want to hold resentments.

Wow, he sounds pretty resentful right now. I think some counseling is in order. If you two don't work it out now it will only get worse.

Not a good babysitter you say, I say he's a horrible dad. You are totally justified in feeling that you do not want to leave the children with him. You will have to hire a babysitter for the kid's protection.

My husband always looked he was about to tear out his own hair when he had to stay home alone with our first baby. We are on number 2 now, so he does better now. He still lets them watch too much tv and eat too much junk food and chocolate milk. He has his own way with the kids, and we dont always agree about everything.

Some things are not a big deal and have to be let go, like the chocolate milk thing. Not changing the babys diaper is a different story, imo, that borders on neglect. In the future I would take your toddler with you. Push him in a stroller with some snacks or carry him in a carrier, mine is over a year and still fits well in an Ergo. I wouldnt leave him with someone that would let him sit around in a nasty diaper and I would make sure to say that to husband as well. Im sure you get tired too, but you still manage to find the energy to do everything the kids need.

Mine at least changes the diaper he's not great at it but he's not home enough to really know there needs and wants. Tired is not a factor everyone's tired he should not have the attitude of yelling all the time at them that's just not right to the kids. They need dad he needs to change. There's people he can talk with to get him not only into a loving dad but also be less tired and more of a husband. Everyone's tired I am sure you are too so that's not an excuse I know dr who work 12-20 hr shifts and still make time for there kids!

If the question is about how to manage/balance the kids, I would have a babysitter. The school events aren't very long...at most an hour. A high school student should be able to manage and shouldn't get too expensive.

If the question is about tired husband...don't think there is one answer. Everyone experiences some version of a similar story at some point.