I will try to make this shorter and clear. My husband who is usually supersmart about money offered to create a job for a friend for one year while she updated her professional license and applied at other places. I tried to stop him and explained we do not want to ruin a friendship and how inappropriate that would be.
He decided, after she suggested it repeatedly to everyone she knew, that she wishes she could work at her friend's nonprofit. He decided to donate her salary to that nonprofit and she supposedly works there 30 hours a week. There is a written contract stating hours, duties, pay, and terms. We put it in writing it is for one year max. If she gets another job, moves, or doesn't work there any longer, the pay stops.
The year is almost up and she is asking for donations from everyone and wants us to extend the job. We are NOT doing this and had to be pretty blunt. In fact, I finally told her I knew I would regret doing something like this and it has changed our friendship.
To be honest, I think the friendship is over and I am actually relieved because I feel we were manipulated and she did not honor the terms of the contract.
Her latest request is to keep paying for the job through the year even if she moves and can't do it because the nonprofit "needs" someone. I told her flat out we are NOT supporting the nonprofit really. We were supporting her. I finally told her I reget doing that because now our relationship is about money. At this point, I think the friendship is over and I am ready to move on. Hubby agrees and said if she asks for money one more time, he will not pay anymore and he is going to tell her. I think we made a verbal promise to the nonprofit and we should pay through the date agreed on as long as she is working there.
Am I overreacting?
and yes, we learned our lesson.
You need to cut the salary immediately. End it. This never should have happened. But she hasn't kept her end of the deal and you are not obligated to pay her any more. Give her 2 weeks and cut her loose.
The money stops at the end of the year. Don't cut her off early, or you'll be the badguys, and don't give her a penny more than you originally promised.
My first thought after reading your entire post is :"This is crazy."
If your friend wants to start a nonprofit, she needs to go about it through the proper channels and with a group of people who are equally invested in it.
"Hey friend-- I think we've been pretty clear about how much we want to invest in what you are doing. We now think that it's better that our friendship turns to other things, because we can all agree-- we are not on the same page as you are in continuing to develop this nonprofit."
Let her actions be your guide going forward.
I guess I don't really see your friend as the one being manipulative here. Your HUSBAND committed to paying your friend's salary for a year, yes? It sounds like he committed to it regardless of circumstances. Paying her salary was for specific reasons... in order to help her out, update credentials, give her time to get her professional life in order.
Isn't that what she's trying to do? Just because you don't like how she's handling things that doesn't mean you get to try to pull the strings behind the scenes. I think it was a pretty crappy thing you did going behind her back and e-mailing the non-profit board to "remind" them that the money train on your end is ending in May. I'm sure they're aware of that and so is your friend. It smacks heavily of you dangling the purse strings in an attempt to try to get your friend to shape up to your standards. You're not even on the board. That means you don't get to try to pull her puppet strings.
When she brings up the new opportunities, all you have to say to her is, "I'm sorry but I don't think we'll be able to contribute financially again. I'm here for all of the moral support you can stand, though!" Lather, rinse, repeat.
Life changes that include her husband? None of your business. She shouldn't have to have "agreed" to that with you. It's her life. She's an adult. You laid out clear terms in the beginning and as long as you laid them out in writing, then you're fine. Refer to the contract. But the way YOU are handling things I don't believe that this friendship is going to last.
You've continually told your friend and the nonprofit that your donation of the amount of her salary will end on a specific date. I would not initiate any further discussion of it or give any further warning of the date approaching. When she or the nonprofit bring it up further, you just need to continue stating that your financial commitment ends on that date. If you want, you can tell them you have financial commitments elsewhere following that date, but you don't owe her that explanation. Truthfully, her job may be needed there even after she leaves, but the nonprofit should have been preparing for that and seeking sponsorship that will help them meet their anticipated staffing need. They still have 4 months to do so. If your friend will not let go of the subject, you do need to tell her that she's aware of the limit of your financial contribution and will not be discussing it further. If she continues, you're going to have to back away from her for awhile.
I wouldn't want to hear about it anymore either, so I believe that you are completely reasonable on that end.
You give people and inch and they try to take a mile! This is an old saying for a reason.
You have made it completely clear that your contributions end in May. Wash your hands of it and be done!
I would no longer consider this person a "friend"....She seems more like a "looser and a moocher". It has been my experience that church members can be just as annoying if not more than others, because they use the Lord as a guilt tool. Very, very wrong.
I would tell her point blank do not ask us for anything and do not have others ask on your behalf!
Maybe I'm not understanding this, but wouldn't your husbands donation go to the non profit that she's working for and his involvement end there?
He shouldn't commit to a dollar more than the years salary he agreed to.
But I don't think he (or you) is the final say after that, right? The non profit distributes the funds.
I suppose once you give anything, people will try to see if they can get more.
I think you explained your position and nothing more needs to be said.
If she contacts you again, wish her all the best for her future with her move and her husbands promotion, then cut the call short with "Oh, look at the time! Got to go! Bye!" and hang up.
Never mix business with pleasure. Learned that a long time ago. I will donate to the humane society and children causes that is it. I don't hire friends or take jobs from friends because expectations are different for everyone.
She is a user and you are enablers. And kind of suckers too-sorry. But suckers with good hearts that's for sure.
So no more with this friend or with this non profit. Put your money where your heart is if you have that much to donate...and then get involved yourselves.
A friendship is give and take. This woman sounds like all she's doing is taking. She's not a friend and it doesn't sound like she's even benefitting this charity. Why would I want to donate to a charity where my money is going to a lazy employee who's only concerned about her own salary and working less than 30 hours a week? If she was good at her job she would have raised enough money to cover her salary and enable the charity to flourish. Sounds like she did neither. Stop the salary at the agreed upon date and let the rest sort itself out. If she's a real friend, she'll thank you for the opportunity. If she doesn't, let her go and be grateful you weeded a user out of your life. Not everyone is this way, so don't let it make you cynical.
Gently remind her that the last date that monies were going into that account is/was.
It sounds like she is a user and didn't do the job she was supposed to do. Reason #257 why not to mix business & pleasure. Lesson learned.
Kay, do exactly what you detail here - "I think I need to tell her that I don't want to hear about it anymore as I am feeling a bit manipulated and it is affecting our friendship." Don't pull punches and don't sugarcoat it. If I were you, I'd put it in writing and copy everyone involved in this. If it damages your friendship, so be it. She has taken advantage of you because she is only working for herself, not for the charity. She isn't even working the hours she agreed to.
I would be really upset if I gave money to a charity and found out the money I gave REALLY only went to pay someone's salary. That's the case here. And she used you as the conduit for people's donations in order to make "easy money".
Stand firm, say what you mean and mean what you say.
Sending your strength~
Dawn
there's more to this story.
if your husband agreed to pay her salary for a year, and has done so, clearly your obligation is fulfilled and no more needs to be done.
it doesn't sound as if that's the case. y'all didn't just donate the salary, then you emailed, snooped, micromanaged, pestered and poked around.
i'll bet she's feeling manipulated too.
i think you're both better off without each other.
khairete
S.
