Husband Explodes at Kids When Gets Home

Hubby needs some anger management because he is not handling it well on his own.
It's affecting you and the kids - you are all walking on eggshells around him.
It's no way to live.

Sorry to say this, but there is no way I'd let him treat me or our kids that way. Why should you have to "keep" the kids away from their dad? I totally get he works long hours, blah, blah, but that is absolutely no excuse!!!!!!

Sounds like you may need to have a talk with him or think twice about this marriage.

He sounds abusive...... do you really want to have your kids around this?

Sure, he hasn't gotten physical yet... but how much longer will that be? And isn't the yelling and such, just as harmful?

That is nothing the kids should be around.....

The two of you need a counselor, for him to get hold of his anger issues.

I think Jessica Wessica said it best. the kids will distance themselves from both of you, they will know you were too scared to go it alone and let him treat them like pains, I worked most of my children's life, I came home and cooked and cleaned and drove them to activities. Do you really think he has it worse than every single mom who works and then does all the cooking and cleaning and laundry and parenting without any help?? Do you think those single moms treat their kids like blessings from heaven or curses from he##???
This sounds like a Horrible place for your children. Getting them out of the house more isnt the solution, this is their home, it should be their safe place. Your expectations of him are too low. He could be a good father. He needs counseling. He either gets counseling or he loses you and the kids, maybe right now you can't see raising the kids without him, but eventually he'll start calling the kids horrible names, eventually you'll have enough. Dont let your kids get too screwed up while you wait for your breaking point. Insist on counseling and start making plans for your life if he refuses.

So, J.... I read through your post and your SWH and I had a really hard time. I grew up in a house like yours and I wish I hadn't. I wish every day that I hadn't. I can't explain to you the fear and anxiety a child feels having a father like this. It's not just emotional, it's physical. Those feelings follow into teen-hood and adulthood. There's anger over the situation, difficulty coping with why in the world Mom stayed and didn't protect the kids. Why weren't the kids more important than Dad and his oh-so-precious crabby, psychotic, hair-trigger anger and attempting to appease that anger.

Do you know what living in a house like that does to a little girl's self esteem? To her self worth? Do you know how much therapy she requires as an adult? Do you know how much it affects her mental health as an adult? How likely she'll be to have clinical depression, anxiety, eating disorders, and more when she's a teen and young adult let alone as an adult?

Do you know what living in a house like that does to a little girl's ability to choose a good spouse and how against the odds it is for her to choose a good man? Do you know how difficult it is to overcome the brainwashing of that sort of childhood in order to parent properly with love and respect instead of physical and verbal violence?

Get help now. Get help for your husband now. If he's not physically violent yet, he will be. Just wait until your children are old enough to REALLY piss him off when they develop strong character and personalities. I'm telling you from experience that your situation will not get better. No matter how much you clean your house, it won't get better. No matter how you appease your husband, it won't get better. He's broken inside. Don't let him break you and your children too.

It is nice how you are trying to support him, but you are also making excuses. Millions of people work long hours and have hard jobs and commutes. They still do not treat their families like this. One day the kids are not going to want to be part of his life because this is all they will remember. And they will likely resent you for not protecting them better. If he knows he is going to be hungry and cranky, then he should be packing himself snacks to keep in the car on the way home. He should be doing anything possible because he chose to have 3 kids, and they are being treated as an inconvenience. YOU need to do something if he doesn't.

Wow. He sounds depressed, angry, and downright abusive. How long are you planning on putting up on this, and have your children be damaged, as a result?

Have you talked to him about any of this? CAN you talk to him about this? Or do you feel like a prisoner in your own home with a stranger you can't even have a cordial conversation with? I have a feeling he's probably unapproachable at this point.

It sounds like counseling, individual (definitely) for both of you, and couples, if possible, is in order to get to the bottom of things. If he won't admit a problem, well, I think you know that nothing will change. Then you need to decide if you can live like this forever & have yourself and your children abused indefinitely.

If I were you, I would work on becoming self sufficient, because there is no way i would put up with what you're describing. You need a way out, if push comes to shove... which it literally might, because his anger can very easily increase into something physical. I would even consider a separation until he got himself in check. Do you want your kids thinking this is a normal, good, healthy relationship? This type of environment is exactly what damages kids & affects their future relationships.

ETA - Your SWH is still FULL OF EXCUSES for him!!! DH drives to work an hour & sometimes his commute home is over an hour & he still makes dinner, and we work as a team. It doesn't matter that he works & you don't. You are in la la land, so I'm not even sure why you posted this.

Hubby is not a happy man and wants everyone to know it! Sit down with him and ask him what he wants out of life. Presumably you guys discussed having a family at the beginning. Explain that his coming home stressed and angry is not acceptable it is hurtful and scarey for his kids and sets a horrible example. If he accepts that his behaviour needs to change and that his family is important to him then you guys can move forward and work on his frustrations together. If he is just angry at the noise and the mess and whatever you can tell him that he is welcome to find somewhere else to live but that he will still be financially responsible for his family. Then tell him to GET OUT!

Good luck.

One, since I get up with the kiddos (not my husband) *I* say when they go to bed! There is no way in hell he'd put the kids to bed early just because he felt like it. Total bs!

Two, he needs to control his anger or move out. Period.

Today, my husband worked 11 hours. I didn't even start dinner until he got home because the girls were being ruly. He admitted to having a headache. But even then, he helped me make dinner and played with our daughters. He did not yell. He was not mad about the house being messy or dinner not being made yet. And he certainly did not put the kids to bed early. Then again, he knows what my days are like with 2 kids under 2 and college.

Have you approached him about it... and "pleasantly" told him?????
I would.
There is no excuse for that kind of behavior.
And what's worse is, he is giving your children an "example" of how to act, when mad.
He is "teaching" them, NO coping skills whatsoever.
You need to talk to him... in an adult manner... don't "blame" (because no man, like that, will take it kindly), but try to be, diplomatic, but pointed, and say you will not tolerate that.
HE is a Dad.
HE is an occupant of the HOME.
HE is a PART of the family.
And that is what he is, no matter what his work schedule.
Suck it up.

Taking out your anger & stress, on kids, when it has nothing to do with them, is cowardly.
And wrong.

And geez, what if your kids start using the F word, to others too, or at school???
Then what?
Will he be proud of himself???

Your Husband, needs help with stress and anger.
And he obviously cannot do it, by himself.
HE is the adult.
NOT the child.

He does not live alone... he has children and a Wife and a family.
He needs to know, that ALL the time, he is an EXAMPLE for the children.
And if he can't handle that grown-up responsibility... then he should not be around the children, at all.
Just go in a cave and be mad by himself.
Don't take it out on everyone else.
How toxic.

And besides, HE CAN CLEAN UP TOO.
He is not a baby.
And you are not a hotel maid.

Something that can or will happen is: because of your Husband's anger problem and the fact that he takes it out on the children and you... is: your children... MAY get, behavioral problems. Because, young children cannot "defend" themselves nor protect themselves... and they do not know how to handle STRESS from a parent. Thus, they act out.
You NEED to think of that.
Very much.

You know what.... you have your hands full and so much to do. Tell him that and then tell him (no don't ask him) he has to understand that. You were sick. Kids are your life right now and if he can't handle a house that isn't perfect tell him that is tough. But you need to stay healthy. And that is it. I'm sorry but I have worked and I have been a stay at home mom and the difference is the stay at home mom has more work.Really. So if he thinks life is supposed to be perfect remind him of how lonely he would be if he were to be living by himself.
And you stop thinking you should kick yourself about not having cleaned the kitchen today, that is just ridiculous. Life is short and one day when the children grow up you will have a wonderfully lonely quiet empty house and you can clean all the time. Oh goodness...

If my husband did that to me and my son when he got home, and I wasn't feeling well. I'd slap him. Seriously. No man should ever treat his family that way. I don't care how tired he is, and he should never use the "f" word around them.

" If the house is super clean it's less bad with him"..I'm sorry but just that sentence alone shows me that theirs a problem. He needs counseling. So does everyone else. Sure our lives aren't perfect, and neither is our home. However, that is no way to live, and I wouldn't put up with it.

Yikes, honestly? I divorced my ex husband for less behavior than this. There is NO way I would be raising my young children in a household like this and would not spend a minute more with a man who clearly disrespects me and my kids. I would stop making excuses for your husbands poor behavior and sit him down and TELL him this MUST stop. If it doesn't, I would be OUT of there. Life is way to short to be living it unhappy. Just my opinion. Good luck.

Is he always like this or just sometimes? Have you tried talking to him about this? Maybe suggest to him that he do something to relax and get his head together before he walks in the door, like maybe stop by the gym and work out some stress, listen to some good music on the way home, take a walk around the block before he walks in the door. Or ask if there is something (besides having the house spotless, totally UNREALISTIC request of ANYONE who stays home with kids all dad, as someone else said when kids are grown and gone lots of time to clean house, have to enjoy kids while you can! :) ) like have a cold ice tea or something ready, something easy that may just give him a little smile (not by any means so I mean you have to bow down to him, sometimes just the little things can make a big difference) Maybe have the kids wait 5 - 10 minutes before approaching dad so he can unwind. MAIN thing is for you two to have a conversation regarding how things can be different and better for the whole family when dad gets home. and MY GOODNESS if this is something that is NOT all the time and is something that can be FIXED, dont just think about getting out of this marriage. GOOD LORD people sometimes people have bad days and dont always act appropriate that doesnt mean they are some abusive monster that needs to be left, if that was the case there would be NO marriages left all have ups and downs. Good luck to you mama I hope your family can come to some type of resloution!

ETA: maybe he needs meds

first off I would be sure not to have any more children with him, 3 sounds like enough.

Second you need to start brainstorming, what you can do to allow him to find another job with less hours or that he enjoys more. That's the biggest key, It probably doesn't make sense finacially for you to work, but if you need to leave him it might be good to have stuff lined up.

the kids shouldn't have to go to bed but they can be doing something quiet when he gets home, you can help set the tone, by playing a board game with them, or getting out playdough, or a book on cd.

My response is to see if you two can have a time to talk together alone. A date night so to say...but also to discuss how his reactions to the kids and you when he hits the door are really unhealthy for everyone...and it can't possibly make him feel any better to bite all you guys' heads off...make the kids cry and you feel bad.

Find out how you guys can work TOGETHER to help him be in a happier place.

Yes, he may need anger management classes...sounds like it would help...if he were willing.

I know my husband feels better when he gets home to a clean house and dinner ready...however that doesn't happen every night...reality happens, you get sick or one of the kids does, activities run over, traffic is a mess, the chicken doesn't thaw for some reason...etc etc...

Find out if it is his job that is causing him great stress (can he start looking for something new?)...maybe find out if instead of his commute being an added stress if he could find a way to make it a time for him to decompress (my husband used to listen to audio-books, inspirational messages or calming music on his commute...when his job moved closer to home he told me he actually missed his 30 to 45 minutes to decompress/commute everyday). See if he needs a few minutes when he gets home to spend alone and put on his happy face. (Growing up my dad came home changed clothes and watched the news while having one beer...we kids knew it was daddy's calm time after work, we were quiet and left dad alone while he had his 30 minutes to change from office to home mode...THEN he was fun dad, we ate dinner and joked he helped get us all ready for bed, checked homework, etc...it was our family routine growing up).

You need to work together to develop a routine where he can come home and have a good time with you and the kids...if he is open to it. If he doesn't see a problem then that is a whole problem on its own...

First off there is NO excuse for using the F word! Next time he chooses to use that language I would ask him to please leave until he can use big boy words.
That being said my husband can come crabby and snapping at the kids, I found that I can usually head it off if we go play outside or take a walk so he can decompress. I usually have a beer out for him along with a little snack-does wonders! He shouldn't have to come home and immediately start parenting. He, like your husband is also less stressed when the house is clean(I don't know why-they don't have to touch it!). I totally get the being sick and tired issue-I have a 5 week old and have been nothing but sick since he was born. He is probably stressed out and unhappy at work-that spills over into family life. Can you guys schedule a date night(no talking about kids) so you can touch bases with hima nd find out how everything is going? Maybe try to get him out for a boys night. Also you need to gently tell him your concerns regarding the way he is treating you guys-it needs to stop-now! I can understand maybe once a month but he needs to quit-it's not your kids fault.

I am responding without reading the rest of your answers since I am short on time.It sounds to me like your hubby has depression. My hubby and I both have it. In men, depression manifests itself in anger most of the time. Maybe he needs to be on a anti-depressant? Yelling at you and the kids when gets home just because works long hours is NOT an excuse!
Send me a private message if want to if need. to talk more about this.

Good luck