Husband and I Are on Totally Different Wavelengths About Having More Kids :(

If you're Catholic, you kind of assume you'll have more than two children based off of your shared beliefs, right? That's what I would have thought. I would be heart broken to have stopped with two too. Having kids is hard. It does make the momma more distracted and not as 100% in all areas like you maybe were at one point. But that will pass. The kids grow up.

I would suggest to give it some time. Maybe he needs a little more spacing (not sure how old your kids are). And he might need to feel free from pressure of having to have another one. Can you use condoms with your beliefs instead of relying on NFP? Just to make sure it's reliable until you decide?

My husband and I have had similar issues. Ours is due to a really rare genetic disorder we carry. Our first child was born with it. We have a 1 in 4 chance of another being born with it. Prior to getting married, we talked and he wanted four kids at the most. I wanted six. I figured we'd figure it out. Then when our daughter was born with a genetic disorder, it threw everything off. We considered adopting the rest of our children.

It took us four years to decide to have another one. During those four years, I felt similar to you. I felt jealous when I saw other pregnant moms. It broke my heart. It got really bad near the end (before we chose to have another) and I would sometimes burst out crying at church seeing all the new babies and pregnant moms! I was happy for them, I was just sad for me. It showed me what I wanted so bad but couldn't have.

Anyway, I ended up feeling strongly that we should have another. I told my husband. I asked him to pray about it and let me know what he thinks. I didn't pressure after that except to share how I really felt (and I felt it STRONGLY). It was a scary idea thinking of another baby having the same disease (it's very aggressive, causing bone marrow failure and cancers). He ended up praying and feeling it was the right thing. We had a healthy baby boy.

Same stories with baby #3 and baby #4. Only, it was much faster for my hubby to decide. He'd always say we were done, but I would feel strongly there was another (and I really did feel it! I wasn't making it up). And so we had two more healthy baby girls.

Then with baby #5, that one wasn't planned (wanted, just not planned). I'm 29 weeks prego, so we don't know for sure, but she looks healthy too (and might finally be our bone marrow match for baby #1). What a blessing to have had FOUR more children all healthy! Goes against the odds... God knows what He's doing.

Now I feel done...like I really feel like we've had all the babies God wanted us to have.

I share that with you to let you know I can understand your heartache and to also suggest that you pray about it together and make sure he prays about it too and see if God tells him that you are done. God never seemed to tell my hubby that. My hubby just always wanted to be done for fear of another having the disease (very valid reason! and why I never pressured him). He loves and adores his kids, and he regularly thanks me for having them and making sure they came into our family.

I hope the same can work for you...and that this somehow helped you! Good luck.

You said when you see an expecting mom or little baby you get so sad. Why? You also said you were nursing your son. That means you have a baby, right? I don't understand that. I see you would like to have more children, but why not just enjoy the children you have and not worry about what you don't have.

It was unfair of you to assume you husband had the same desire simply because he enjoys the two children you already have. What else should he do otherwise? Since you're "terrible at NFP" I suspect You will be getting pregnant soon. Just bear in mind that doing something that your spouse is clearly against is setting up your marriage for (avoidable) issues and more arguing as well as resentment. Perhaps you are wanting another child to fulfill some other need. Try finding something that you've always wanted to do (aside from having lots of children) and get that started and see if that takes away the ache for another child.

I am surprised this didn't come up before you were married. Most Catholics I know have to go through premarital sessions before they can get married in the church and these are some of the issues discussed. But what's done is done and you will need to move forward from here in a healthy way.

First of all, stop assuming that his reason for not having more children is because "he thinks you can't handle more" or that you are doing something wrong. It is much more likely that he feels he can't handle more or that it will make it harder for the 2 of you to have quality time together or that it will be an additional financial strain that will end up making him feel like an inadequate provider.

Seek the counsel and advice of your priest so that you can both have a comfortable environment in which to discuss these important issues.

You need to be honestly communicating with each other BIGTIME! This is not YOUR decision it is a joint decision. It takes 2

He may be wavering because he sees the financial responsibility for every day life plus college educations plus retirement for you both.

Whatever you do, don't "accident".... Guys know that happens and it only builds huge resentment. I know.... My mom was a die hard for 2 children... Her trapping my dad with my brother 6 yrs younger was the demise of their marriage.

I've seen the same thing happen with a couple of neighbors in my upscale neighborhood.

Communicate.... Find out why he is negative now without confronting or attacking him. He may have a darn good reason

Hi,

I think the best thing to get through this is to have a heart-to-heart talk with your husband. Find out what his fears are, why he doesn't want more etc. I am sure he is more stressed financially than anything--most men are. Then, you write out why you want to-the pros/cons etc. and tell him how you really, really feel. GL

M

I totally understand your feelings, for I have been in a similar situation. Just a bit of wisdom, DON'T push this issue with your husband right now. My husband were both in our 30's when our daughter was born and had been married almost 4 years. It was a traumatic delivery and 18 months of breastfeeding problems, lots of crying (both baby and I), and never a good night sleep. Although my husband loved our little girl dearly, he wasn't eager to have anymore. So, I got to the 18 month mark and I was feeling like I wanted another baby, and he said, "No, I'm not ready to do this again." So I shut my mouth and prayed and 6 months later after he attended a men's conference at church, he asked me, "When should we start trying for #2." It took 6 months to conceive that little guy, but he's healthy and the apple of his Dad's eye. When our son reached a year, we again discussed more kids and he was again content with 2 and I agreed to wait another 6mos or year before revisiting the subject. 10 days later, despite careful use of contraception every time, we were shocked with a positive pregnancy test. I cried for days because I was so overwhelmed with the thought of kids 20 months apart (I'm still overwhelmed too at times!), and my husband laughed in disbelief and then had insomnia for a week. There was never any blame or anger with me because I had always been trustworthy with contraception-- in short an extreme rule follower. We trust each other. Now our little "surprise" is 18 months, Daddy's shadow (he and my husband bonded much earlier than any of the others did), and our family is beautifully complete with his presence--we hope (smile!).
I believe God wants us to submit to the leadership of our husband, and trust Him to meet our needs. God knows how much you want a baby, but it just might not be best for you and your family. In the months that I waited for both my husband to desire more children and 6 more months to get pregnant, I learned a lot about contentment. Happiness and contentment really is wanting what you ALREADY have. Having another baby wouldn't have made me happy. I had to learn to be happy with God's present blessings (healthy child, loving marriage, home, etc.) before I could truly appreciate the blessing (and huge amount of responsibility and work) of more children.
Honor your husband by being extra careful with NFP or choose another method that's a little more forgiving of error (if God want's to make a surprise, trust me He doesn't need your help). Pray and don't nag him. Respect his decision. Wishing you joy and contentment....Midwife Mom of 3

this is my thought-you have 2 wonderful healthy kids-why add to the added costs of more kids in this troubled world an economy-if you really do want another child-check into adoption-theres alot of kids waiting for a good home.is being catholic an hubby not wanting more kids the deal breaker for your marriage? i was raised catholic-i know what your talking about-but you have to respect hubbys wants also-what happens if he loses his job an you have a bucket load of kids to feed an care for? church gonna pay your way?

He/she that wants fewer children "wins"!! Every child should be a choice between two people. Maybe he needs more time and a larger spacing.

Maybe there is someone you could talk to regarding your anger towards expectant woman. You have two children including a baby...to me with my one daughter that is a big family.

If NFP was as important to you as nursing the baby or going to the bathroom, you would do it every single morning. We are not terrible at something that is very important to us. I can read between the lines that you would not be heart broken with an oops and that's not fair to anyone.

i don't see any valid reason at all for you to have another child. hubby gets veto power. end of story.

Hey I dont always remember that stuff either so you are not alone there. Give it to God, the whole situation, He will take care of it!!

That would honestly be a deal breaker for me. I want at least 3 children... and I spent the first year dating my husband telling him he had that year to decide if he wanted children with me. He went from NO bio children from him, to if it happens it happens. I then accepted his proposal. We spent another 2 years engaged due to other issues between us, which I refused to budge on. We finally got married - all issues mostly resolved and I found out the month after our marriage I was already 3 months pregnant.

He was shocked and didn't talk to me for 2 days. Next thing I knew, all his friends were calling to congratulate me - he had gotten over the shock and was extremely happy. I'm amazed by how happy, proud and excited he is by being a Daddy again (my first is not his bio child, but no one would ever be able to tell).

He knows I want 1-2 more and tho he's bitching about it NOW, when it happens, I know he'll be happy and ok about it. It's just his personality to be negative and cranky/against something new, until it actually happens.

This is tricky. I disagree that "what the man says goes" or that "having a family is strictly a financial decision". Of course you can't do it against his will, but you also shouldn't deny yourself something so important without a fight. But you have to go about it with sugar, not anger. Being scolded and yelled at and shamed (I know you're not doing these things, just saying) will not work.

Give it a year to NOT pressure him about it and to step up to the plate BIG TIME for your family. You say he may think you don't do enough for the kids....this probably isn't true, he's a male, he's only seeing his own wants, not making an educated analysis of the surrounding situation most likely. (Now IF you're way too broke, and totally overextended, and the kids run all over you and you're a bad parent, FINE he wins, but really, if you're a normal household with 2, 3 probably won't break you).

BUT. Don't argue about it. Just be an EVEN MORE amazing and happy mom. Do really nice things for him as well. OFTEN. Do everything under the sun educationally for the kids (I coach my kids through their music lessons and workbooks and do projects with them all the time, my husband is always gone so all discipline and heavy lifting is on me, now at ages 5, 3 and 2 my husband is seeing what amazing kids he has and how great I handle everything (ahem-thanks for letting me brag :) and in the beginning, he didn't want one.

Our first was a surprise after years of thinking we weren't fertile, and then pow pow, the next two were also accidents (lucky for me). Literally for the second 2, he was ALWAYS gone, we almost never had "relations" we avoided ovulation, pulled out (sorry tmi) and I'm not exactly young. We were both shocked. He thought the 3rd especially must belong to the mail man because even looking at the calendar for conception, he literally wasn't home (we had the conception date wrong the whole time).

My husband was much less stressed for number 3, because (it was too late) AND he already saw that even with his being gone all the time, and a very tight budget, I was thriving with the first two, and most of all, I was HAPPY. Also, I always gave him the choice to scram if the kids were "holding him back", and he decided to stay, thus making it easier for him to accept "his choice". And in my opinion, any man who would leave over his own child, is not a man worth keeping.

You've stated your case. After you have given him all kinds of joy and love and praise for a year, negotiate again with some reward for him in the mix. Unless he's a heartless dictator, he'll probably listen. It's not impossible. Now, I'm not AT ALL telling you to pull any ultimatums (wink) but making moves to make yourself more independent and self sufficient WHILE being awesome and loving and happy will send the message that you could hypothetically survive without him and move on if you're "unhappy"...it's always a good idea for a woman to be able to support herself and not live completely for her husband anyway, so this is just good advice regardless of wanting something you're not getting. Just a thought. Occasionally you can toss out "I want a bigger family" or I would love another baby" to friends etc in a positive tone so he hears you, and then go back to your day to day. He may just get generous.

Oh, ALSO, VERY IMPORTANT, become the queen of budgeting. I save so much more money now with three kids than I did with 2, 1 and none! When he sees your expenses decreasing over the next year, it will also open his heart. Don't buy tons of kids stuff and splurgy stuff. Happily cut corners and have visible savings to show for it. All that more reason to show your worth and ability to be "independent" if necessary...

Good luck, it's really painful to want kids and not be able to have them. I have several friends in your shoes, and I felt that way after my first 2. I really lucked out, and I don't take it for granted. And of course, number 3 is a total daddy's girl who my husband couldn't live without now. It's not hopeless, don't give up yet, and don't let your sorrow cause him to pull away mentally. Stay tough and happy.

I bet your hubby wants more of YOU for HIMSELF, and sees how much you are giving to the kids, and doesn't want MORE of you taken away from him by more kids. Best thing to do is to ask him honestly why he feels like no more. Then either problem solve the issue - spending more time alone with him, getting a sitter, training more independance into the kids, etc. or at least agree with him that you both will put the issue on the back burner and re-visit it in a certina length of time , 6 months or a year, when things undoubtedly will have changed!

As for being more consistent on NFP/BBT temping, I found that sitting my thermometer on top of my alarm clock (right on my bedside table) and then setting the alarm for the same time every day worked best. I'd wake and feel the thermometer while hitting snooze, and temp right then....I would sometimes even got back to sleep afterwards, but at least then the temp happened at the same time each day, the therm was right there, and I kept a little notepad and wrote it down w/ the date, so I wouldn't forget to chart it later if I got busy with kids right away.

Good Luck!

Jessie

I think you should work out your feelings first with yourself. You shouldn't get so sad when you see a baby or a expecting mom. I think you may be jumping the gun a little and assuming just a tiny bit more then what is really going on. I suggest talking to your husband and really listening to him and in turn he needs to really really listen to how you feel too. I think this situation can easily be brought to a comprimise with a good calm conversation. Just don't interupt eachother. If you love eachother you will find what path you are suppose to be on. And really try to remember that just because you always wanted something no matter what it is, doesn't mean it's meant to be, and that's ok-it really is.

I can relate. We have two and my husband says we are absolutely done. I just finished nursing a few months ago and it's sad to know that I probably won't be holding a precious little baby to my skin anymore. Id love to have another if hubby was a go, but deep down I know that he is happy with the two we already have and he is really starting to enjoy them more as they get older. I love love the baby stage and I can see that he's loving the older stages so much more.
In the long run I am going to try and be content with two. There are positives to it: we'll be able to afford more activities for them, we are not outnumbered, we can each take one for some one on one time, if we fly somewhere (disneyworld?) it'll be so much easier and less expensive.
I try to remind myself of these often! It is also getting easier to not have to be nursing all the time and not being able to go out for a whole day because of naps and not having to lug the stroller everywhere and soon we will be done with diapers.
As far as nfp, I've learned my body well enough to know my fertile days. Also, hubby is the one who is even more careful than me!

I am in a horrible predicament. My husband didn't want any more either after initially trying for #3 for almost 18 months or more, including fertility treatment. Stopped trying, stopped fertility treatment, and boom, pregnant. Husband is NOT happy and didn't speak to me for several days--it was pure hell, and I am still crying EVERY day over this b/c he really is very unhappy. Find out WHY he doesn't want more. In my case, he already feels like HE doesn't get enough of my attention and we "never" do anything as a couple, and a 3rd child is just going to make it worse. He hasn't left me, but I am so fearful everyday that that is what he's going to do. Find out WHY!!! and discuss from there.

I am terrible at NFP too!! But I never actually did the temp part, so that's probably why ;) But I did do the calendar and the cervical mucus and had a measure of success. But I am pregs with baby three, so I guess I should have gotten a thermometer! :D But really I am very happy to being pregs now so it's all good. The thing is that I think the most powerful thing in a marriage is unity. Since you guys are twirked on this one, I think you need to try really hard to chill your emotions out and find out why he doesn't want more. A man will say "I am just really happy with the two we have" but mean "I don't want to risk more financially and I want to be able to provide college". So I think when you are ready to talk again try and get to the bottom of why he is wanting to hold off and just take that info in and pray about it. That is what I do when we get to the point where we just don't see eye to eye and things end up working out. Wish you the best!

My husband agreed before we got married we wanted and could afford 4. God blessed up with two. We lost three - they are up in Heaven being taken care of by my now deceased MIL.

You need to talk about WHY he doesn't want more - is it money, house size or that two is actually more to handle than he thought?

If you are still nursing - why on earth would you want to get pregnant again right now anyway? That's a hard burden on your body.

Religion can play a factor in this - however, the Church isn't supporting you financially so....ask your husband WHY he doesn't more...instead of accusing him - ASK - why do you not want more kids...I envisioned us with 3 or 4....and while the Catholic church wants you to be fruitful and multiply - the fact remains that maybe your husband thinks NOW is a bad time, that the house isn't big enough for more...that you can't afford more...communication is key....

I would by NO MEANS suggest for you to accidently get pregnant - that would cause a HUGE problem - trust issues, etc....

I'm sorry you are in this position...communication is key...talk WITH him - NOT TO him and find out WHY he feels this way - maybe when he said in the 'near future' - he meant in 1 to 2 years...but really - you need to talk WITH him about this.

What do parents consider when deciding whether or not they should have any more kids? Many factors are considered, some of which are unique to the family involved, but the most common considerations for whether or not to have any more kids are as follows.

* emotions-do the parents miss the sounds, smells, and feel of having a newborn around? Do they feel stressed at the thought of having more kids?

* experience-was their prior experience with pregnancy pleasant or uncomfortable? Have they found raising little ones to be mostly enjoyable or difficult?

* finances-can they afford more kids, childcare, etc.?

* health-are their bodies capable of further pregnancies without complications or risks for themselves and/or their babies?

* logistics-would having more kids mean that their families would no longer be able to fit in their current homes, vehicles, etc.?

* me-time-do they need me-time (time alone or to engage in individual, personal pursuits), and do they choose not to surrender that me-time in favor of having more kids?

* paradigms-were they raised in a large or small family?

* relationships-how will additional kids affect relationships between the existing kids or between parents and the existing kids? (i.e., will adding a third child make the second child deal with “middle child syndrome”?)

* retirement planning-what do they expect their retirement years to look like? When do they expect retirement to begin?

* time and energy consumed by current life-are they fully maxed out in taking care of their existing kids? (Perhaps an existing child is not well and needs a lot of special attention.)

* work-do they currently balance home life and work life . . . and having additional kids would throw that balance out of whack?

The decision to have more kids (or not to have more kids) is a uniquely personal decision. Each family must make that decision based on their own unique situation, after giving thought to the considerations listed above and other considerations that are specific to their situation.

What does NFP stand for?

I thought Catholics gave up on the birth control thing and allow it now. That isn't so?

I had to beg for my last 2 children for a LONG time. I caught my husband in a weak moment with # 3 and then he offered the last one when he knew I was so sick of him I was about to bolt. I waited 10 long years between 3 and 4 and it's been awesome. Then she was 9 before my grandchild came a long.

I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE my daycare babies and I do get excited that I get a new born every year or two. But it's just not the same as when they are our own or our grandchild.

Unless both people are on board with having another child, it's a no go.
Have you guys talked (non confrontation-ally) about why he feels like he feels (and why you feel like you feel)?
Maybe he worries about being able to provide for a larger family, save for college/retirement, etc. It's an important consideration.
He said in the 'near future' - maybe he'd like to space things out a bit.
I'm glad you would not 'accident' - but some women would (and do) and it can be a real strain on the marriage.
(NFP = Natural Family Planning (rhythm method))