Husband Acting Out!!

B., I think everyone reacts to stress in a different way. My husband was really a bear for about 6 months after both my sons were born. He just went into high gear with "we have all these bills, this has to be fixed, where is the money going to come from, etc. I think the idea of having a child really kicked the Hunter Gatherer mode iis nto high gear. I don't really want any more kiddos, but his reaction to bringing home baby really seals it!!

You are talking to him about what is going on and that is good. Maybe you could ask if he feels addtional stress because of the new mouth to feed.

I know this wasn't much help, but you're not alone.

M.

B., if leaving the bedroom door open is the worst scenario that you can come up with, I can think of about a hundred women who would gladly trade husbands with you for a day or two!! There has to be something more substantial than that at the basis of your question. Was this little one planned, or a surprise? Did your husband want more children? Are the two of you still having alone time, a "date night" a couple of times a month? It could be a rather stressful situation, living with your Mother, no matter how well all of you get along. Maybe he is reacting to that, instead of to the new baby. I Would say it is time for the two of you to start thinking of a way to get out on your own ( Unless you are there because you are caring for your Mother...you didn't indicate what precipitated the living arrangement) and find a way to be a real nuclear family together. We have a daughter who recently moved home with us and has just brought our brand new grandson home from the hospital. I know that as much as we all love each other, there will be tension while we are all living together under one roof.

Ruth M. said it ALL!! There are so many possible issues going on right now that it makes it hard for you & your husband to relax & enjoy each other & your blessings. Time to find time for YOU as a couple, you as a FAMILY, & you in your OWN home! ....it's up to you -as a PARTNERSHIP- to determine what can be changed or improved.

As for seeing a counselor, when I read your request, two things really jumped out at me: the living with your mom & the issue over closing the door. If you're targeting such small issues as in who should shut the door, then I'd bet you're pushing him on quite a few issues. Remember that book from a few years ago?? Don't Sweat the Small Stuff???? That's where you are in your life.....you're letting the little, inane issues cloud the big picture.

The big picture would be: right now, your life is not settled & secure. If you & your husband can pull together, then you'll have the world at your feet....whether it's in your own home or your mom's (if medical needs are her issue).....otherwise, it's time to fly the coop!

i agree with everything ruth said, but wanted to show my support as well. YOU are also stressed out and dealing with a lot of pressure right now, getting used to a new baby (i know after 8 months you may feel like you have it all under control but things are still "different" than they were a relatively short time ago). my advice would be try to relax. i understand your mom is in the house, but is it really that big of a deal that he "forgets" to shut the door? when you "remind" him - does he get up and do it? i mean if he's being openly defiant and refuses to shut it, that's one thing. but if you're just getting up and shutting it for him every time he may not even realize it's that big of a deal to you. communication girl! you need to ask HIM if there is some reason he's being this way. you may be stressing out about your bigger family and expecting things to be totally perfect and in place, and you know, with one kid that kinda goes out the window...with a S., a little more so. you can't have everything perfectly in place ALL the time. try to relax and maybe take a breath and just roll with things a bit more. i might be totally off the mark, i'm not there with you. but your first move should be to talk to him seriously. my husband and i have both had moments where we've stopped and said, "you know, it might seem silly but this is driving me nuts..." usually it's no big deal. he might just not realize how crazy it's making you.

Good Morning B., I agree with Ruth, there has to be more to this then the door issue. It could be a tad of jealousy with the new baby. If your oldest is 4 he had some of your time. With a new one you are busy again.

I also agree that it may be time to try finding a place of your own. Our son and family lived with us from right before they got married until our second gr child was born in 2000. Way past time for them to hit the road. That gr son will be 10 in Aug.
It is very hard to be a real family when living with in laws. We had to stay with my mom for 3 days and it was the hardest 3 days, I have ever had. Our son was 6 months at the time. Our septic tank was being replaced in our rental and it was close to gas lines. We didn't have a say what we did with our son those 3 days. UGH!! Plus I had to cook and clean up after everyone. Just like being a kid living at home again.

Your husband may feel he has rights or say so it's not his home. Like Ruth suggested if your not caring for your mom for medical reasons, I think I would sit down and talk to your hubby and see if he is ready to move on to your own place. Doesn't have to be far away, but some place he can work on, hang things on the walls or nail something in the garage. Men need to feel they are important and needed also. Right now I am assuming he doesn't feel as if he is providing for his own family.

God Bless you B., gives you something to think about.
K. Nana of 5

My husband is th same way. He does almost the same things. He leaves his clothes on the floor and doesnt even help with the kids. One thing for sure is they wont admit their problem. Dont go with a specialist thats just going to make it worst unless he agrees. Dnt argue or tell him anything hes probably just stressed. He may have so many things on his mind that he forgets to do things. Just give the guy a break. What i do is i tell my 2year old to ask daddy or to go play with daddy. Things he can get involved with without you having to ask him.

I would just talk to him sincerely and let him know that you need him to help out a little and that it's hard for you to be constantly doing everything around the house including pick up after him. He's probably just feeling a little jealous of the new baby and that is really common. Men go through ups and downs after children come into the picture. You need to think about what you can do also to make him feel special. We as mom's tend to put our children first and husband somewhere past the dishes and laundry. I don't think we mean to, it just happens and we get into a habit. I think if you will talk to him and then also make an effort to spend some personal time with him (and not only talk about the kids) then you'll see a difference. When I treat my husband in a special way he always tends to help me more in other ways, like around the house or with the kids. It's not a requirement, it's just about balance and keeping each other happy. good luck and hope it works out.

Ok, if your this upset about him not shutting the door, that you need to post a question about it, then I think you may be a little uptight and need to loosen up alot! Is this really that big of a deal, or do you just want to have a reason to complain about your husband? I think women like to feel superior to their husbands(for whatever reason), so they need to find some reason to complain about them and they find the tiniest thing to whine about. Relax and enjoy your husband and remember that you have faults too!

Ruth and Sue H. had really great posts. Read and re-read them!! I must agree, it may be time to fly and start a home of your own. If your husband is out supporting all of you, he may be under alot of stress and just plain tired. Closing the door is the last thing on his mind at bedtime!

I think teaming up with your husband to find a home of your own would be a great start to get you both back on the same track.

Good luck and keep us posted!

You got a lot of good advice already. I just wanted to let you know that I also have an 8 month old and 31 year old (child) lol, to take care of. I would advise communication over anything.. he probably doesn't even know that it bothers you, it feels like they're clueless sometimes, but really men just function so much differently than we do. There's a reason we get 10 things done on our to do lists to their 1!! Anyways... definitely talk about it because letting it build up is just going to create some serious resentment. Good luck to you!

If your marriage is effected, then maybe you both could go to couples counseling. It would help uncover what is going on & how you both could be part of the problem AND part of the solution. If he won't go, go by yourself. Tell him (nicely ;-)) that you really want to help your marriage and that is why you are going to counseling.

Regardless of what you do hang in there. Marriage can be HARD at times! BUT the hard work pays off when done. You will have a stronger marriage than before the problems.

Remember, look for solutions, not blame or you will make yourself more & more angry.

Again, hang in there!

J.

i'm having the same problems. my husband has been acting out and he hasn't proven to me that he can even take care of our almost 9 month old daughter. i wish i knew what to tell you.

Sounds like you all have a lot going on there. A new baby takes so much adjustment when you have other kids too, even up to a year is adjustment for some families. Then you have the living arrangement which is not good and should change, the financial issues which put concerns on you both, the 'who does more to help who' going on and it just adds up to a door being closed becoming an issue when that isn't really the main issue. Little things start to add up and soon it has to explode. I hope you can get out of the mother's home and into something of your own even if not what you'd like for now and even just a rental or townhome. Then hope you can work on the finances a little at a time and pay things off and maybe somehow in-between get some time for the two of you to be alone once a month on a 'real' date even if not expensive. Even if going to a mall and walking is all you can afford. You have too much going on to not work very hard on your marriage. Please try to show respect to your husband even if he is acting like a child in your opinion. That really makes men shut you out. Even if you feel that way and are right about it maybe, try to show respect to him and it will work much better than nagging or complaining. I really hope you can work this out so all are happy soon. There are many good books too that you could read together if you can find time for a 'date night' and worth doing if he's willing to read with you and maybe that would work if counseling isn't an option. If he feels nothing is wrong then tell him nicely that there are issues for you and since he loves you both of you need to talk about your feelings and how to work it out.

B.,

New ones in the house definitely put strain on everyone. It could possibly be that he is somewhat depressed. I know my husband and I often get that way. See if you can find some time to spend just with him and maybe bring out how he really feels about your second child coming into your lives. Ask him if he thinks life has changed for the good or bad or if he would like things to change a bit. That you have noticed he hasn't been himself and you are concerned that he isn't happy.

Men need to feel loved and that they are top dog, when a new baby come in, women think of one thing....the kids, usually.

Good luck and have patience.

Melanie J

I must be the luckiest woman in the world-I have none of those problems with my husband. But, I have family and friends who do.

Is it possible that you can discuss with him some of the chores he is willing to do and have those be his responsibility each week? You may have to take the majority of them on your shoulders if you want them done a certain way (for me, for instance, laundry needs to be a certain way, so I just do it myself).

Good luck. I can't imagine how hard it is to feel like you have another, grown child.