Husband - Wallingford,CT

First of all, he is either blah with no opinion or he is negative. He can't be both. The fact that he is willing to get counseling is good. You say that he won't be fully forthcoming with the therapist. Maybe you can pick up that slack and have a relationship with the therapist regarding him. It could be that he just doesn't see what you see. When my family member was terminally ill, I was a go-to person for the therapist for her individual counseling and for her marriage counseling because of my insight.

Men... have different coping-skills and are often, less communicative, than women... THEN there is the 'stigma' that Men often have... and per depression. Hence they don't talk about it... and even if that means, with the Doctor.
So then, that means, nothing gets done.

I think, he would benefit from a community support group, for depression.
MANY routes of treatment, are beneficial. NOT only medication
So, I would recommend that.
Otherwise, the person who is depressed... feels ISOLATED and more isolated as time goes on.
YES, they 'know' they are affecting others/their family.
But they don't know how.... to get themselves, help. Beyond medication.
It is therefore, a MULTI-pronged, approach to help the overall, person.

The more the Depressed person feels 'judged'... the more they WILL turn, inward and more... distant.
I am SURE, your Husband feels your displeasure.
But what can he do?
Medication is not a miracle life changer.
It also takes, going to a support group and/or Therapy.
AND he has to communicate with his Doctor... or the Doctor will NOT ever know, what your Husband needs.

He is in a very difficult place.
And he needs support.

In college, my classmate (a woman), had Depression. Her Fiance... had a hard time with it. But he went to Therapy WITH her, to learn about Depression. Sure, there were many times they thought, they would not last... but they are now married and are happy. Because, it was a TEAM EFFORT. Not her partner just expecting a "normal" person... but seeing her the way she is. But still loving her. Despite.
And yes, she has medication... and yes, she gets Therapy when she needs to. And yes... she has MUCH support, from her now Husband.
That is what it takes.
Otherwise, the depressed person, just is so very... isolated. And they do know.... it is not easy for others.
They live with a big burden, on their shoulders.
Do not underestimate your Husband's cognizance, of it.
But he DOES need to get help.

I think you guys should try couples counseling. Not going into specific things I see some of the issues with you as well and in how you are seeing things. At least with counseling you can start to understand how your actions are effecting him. He can also better understand how his depression is effecting you.

You are kinda falling into the label trap. He is depressed, his depression is the problem, ya know? If he wasn't depressed everything would be fine. It allows you to dehumanize the situation. You both need to work on this, pills don't fix depression.

L.,
I've been in your shoes, and totally empathize. I know it's very hard. Zoloft helps my husband (though he recently doubled his dosage, at his Dr.'s order).

It really helps me to have a great support system of family and friends. My mom is my best friend, and I have wonderful girlfriends who are there to commiserate when I need them to, or to be excited with me over something. I hope you have a good support system, also. (And if you don't, you just email me when you want to share something!)

Blessings to you, sweetie.

L.:

I'm sorry about this...I truly am!

You need to get your husband into counseling. You need to encourage him to open up to the therapist so that he can get the root of the problem and get the chemical imbalance in his brain fixed...

Right now? You are allowing him to bring the family down...stop being his crutch..I may be sounding insensitive to you and your husband - but you are allowing him to continue his behavior and letting him bring the family down with him...tough times or not - do things without him...if he asks why - tell him the truth - we don't need your negativity right now...he needs to be confronted with his depression instead of tiptoeing around it and everyone coddling him.....

There are tough times for everyone - however, it's how we handle those tough times that either makes us or breaks us...you have children...do not let the children get caught up in his depression - hard, yes. impossible no.

If he refuses support, therapy, etc. go yourself. if you can't afford one - then go to your clergy - most if not many are equipped to handle the family dynamics...I know our Pastor is WONDERFUL!!!!

This is exactly how I'd describe my husband - only difference is he has never been diagnosed as he won't go for help. I'm sorry you're going through this - I've been so frustrated over the years but I finally figured - I can't make him do anything, I can talk til I'm blue in the face but that's all I can do.

Antidepressants can sometimes be a blessing, sometimes a curse. They have different side effects for different people. They work better for some people than for others. My SIL was (is) on an antidepressant but it wasn’t doing enough. She started taking Abilify along with the antidepressant (I’m sure you’ve seen the commercials), and she said it’s made a big difference for her.

You might encourage your husband to try another antidepressant, maybe in conjunction with Abilify or another similar product that his doctor suggests. Maybe you can go with him to the doctor appointment? As support, and also to make sure the depression gets addressed?

And definitely get some kind of counseling. I would suggest he go alone, and the two of you also go together. Even if he refuses to try another drug, DO get counseling. The counseling will be what addresses the underlying issue that led to the depression in the first place.

Hang in there. Things will get better.

DH is totally disabled and wants to work, but can't physically do it or mentally either. He is not the same as he was and I miss him.

What helped when I was depressed was an antidepressant(tried 3) and talk therapy and forcing myself to eat, sleep, move, and do what I needed to do.

Girlfriends!!!

Been there with the depressed husband, done that. Thank god for girlfriends.

My husband got positive and undepressed when he got a new job.

Just going on medication alone won't help if your husband is depressed even if it's clinical depression. BTDT. He also needs talk therapy with a licensed therapist that's frequent.

When you say he said that the medication didn't work and he didn't like how it made him feel, how long did he wait for it to work? It takes several weeks before you can feel the full benefits of even the smallest dosage and then the therapist (psychiatrist) may have to tweak the dosage by increasing it or adding something else or making suggestions in diet or lifestyle changes.

But if he stopped his medication within days or just a couple of weeks then he didn't give it enough time to work. Not nearly enough time. If he's in a cycle of depression, he needs help and he's stuck. He's not trying to hold your family back and he's not doing this on purpose. It's the depression. As hard as this is for you, it's far, far worse for your husband. If his behavior changes abruptly or he begins to talk about self harm, you need to call for emergency care immediately.

Lately my husband has been the same way! He has not been to the doctors for help but I know its depression. I can just tell. We too have been struggling & going through a very tough time & I feel like you do. I soon realized that I can allow him to effect me emotionally like that so I try to be there for him like I would like him to be there for me. Maybe suggest going on walks or at bedtime play some classical music for him to relax a bit. Dont let that hold your family back. And I try not to take things so personal. Be there for him & encourage him to have higher spirits & think positive. It will take time & patience. So hang in there. Hugs to you & wishing you the best.

My girlfriend is for 19 years, same situation...great guy and father..but negative and blah.She is divorcing him right now, but she is having a hard time with it, because he is not a bad guy.They did try counceling,she is 15 years younger and she is just so much more full of energy..is always sad,
I'm sorry..