How Would You Have Responded?

In a way, she's just acknowledging that you look ready to blow--LOL.
Let it go. Give her the benefit of the doubt.

Good luck!
Speedy delivery!

I hated being pregnant, so I tend to look at pregnant girls and think "I am so sorry!" Maybe pregnancy wasn't easy for her and when she looks at you it just brings back those memories. Just a thought, but she might honestly have been trying to be sympathetic!

I think it's both hormonal and her just being a mother-in-law (and her thinking she is bonding with you when she said those things).

Neither are right, neither are wrong. But how you reacted was perfect. (I would not have reacted that way, I wish I could say I would but I would have made a scene)...So good job mama!

i think you are just being hormonal. nothing she said is really a cut to you. i wouldn't be too offended by what she said...let it go and think about what will happen in 5 weeks!!!

For whatever reason, people seem to think that they can completely throw all manners and common courtesy out the window when someone is pregnant. No one would ever make so many rude comments to a woman who was not pregnant. It's just ridiculous.

In any case, you can't lash out at your MIL, no matter how rude she is being (and yes, to say THAT many things IS rude). You can say something though, in the hopes of shutting her up if this happens again. Three options, depending on your mood:
1. Actually, I feel great today!
2. Wow, I can't believe you just said that! That makes me feel terrible! (say it in a hurt/sad voice, not an aggressive one)
3. I feel fine. Let's not talk about my body anymore, please.
Regardless of which option you choose, change the subject after you make your comment.

It honestly sounds like she truly was making observations and sympathizing with the discomforts that you are sure to have late in any pregnancies. Sounds like she is not very aware of how it sounds. Add to that, you are probably more hormonal than normal AND you are more sensitive to HER. It's ok to vent but then let it go. The next time she says something, say "I know you are trying to be nice but what you say doesn't always sound nice and it bothers me. Right now, being so far along in my pregnancy also makes me more sensitive to what sounds like digs".

I get where you are coming from, but is it possible in her own weird warped way she was actually trying to sympathetic to some degree? I always hated it when I was pregnant and people kept telling me, "Wow, you look so tired!" Yeah, well, no kidding! I AM tired! To me, it is like telling someone, "Wow, you look like sh*t!" But maybe she was just trying to show some sympathy and it came across wrong and you are being a little sensitive about it.

Some people just don't know how they come across to others and just don't have any filter. You are not ever going to be able to change her and I would not continue to hold onto your anger. If she had said some of those things to me, I would have probably just corrected her and said, "No, actually I feel just fine, okay? No worries!"

I think you did the right thing twice :) First by ignoring her...and second by excusing yourself and leaving the situation. I'd much rather be putting your little one to bed and no one should think twice about you wanting to get your rest being that you are just weeks from your due date.

The comment that would bother me the most would be the bit about "you just look terrible, I feel so sorry just looking at you." I think I would have said something like, "don't feel bad for me, because honestly I feel pretty good right now!"...and I'd have said it loud enough that everyone would hopefully be giving her a look like why the heck did you say that!

Don't let her bother you. Yes she was rude. And don't worry about your posting...that's what we're here for, right, to support one another..

I feel sorry for you just reading this post, K.. You harbor so much anger at this woman. I had people talk like this to me when I was puffy, poking out so far that I couldn't have seen my feet if they were a size 40 instead of size 7 1/2, at 6 months along looking like I'd give birth in a moment's notice. No one meant to be rude. They were just telling me what they thought and how they felt. They were also identifying with me if they had had babies themselves. Even people who I knew weren't really friendly would say stuff like that, actually incredulous when they saw me. Was it rude? It's according to their intentions. If they had meant to be mean, then they would have been jerks.

Because I didn't feel that they meant to be mean, I just took it in stride. "Are you sure you aren't having twins?" - wow, I got that all the time. It was the way I showed in both my pregnancies, especially my second. As much as I heard it, I accepted that it was an inevitable conversation that I'd have with everyone, it seemed. I certainly didn't seethe about it.

If your husband is a good man, if she didn't beat him as a child, if she didn't leave him as a teen and walk out on him, if she didn't tell him what a screw-up he was all his life, if she didn't drink herself under the table and take drugs and make him forage for food, then I don't know what she could have done that would make you consider her mistakes unforgiveable in your eyes. If you want to be forgiven yourself for mistakes or perceived mistakes by others, you need to be willing to forgive other people. I hope you can learn at some point to do this with her.

You did ask for our thoughts. These are mine. Perhaps it would help if you went to a counselor and talked this out. You don't help your relationship with your husband by hating your MIL. And you aren't helping yourself. If you could try to get past this, you might be happier.

You never know what kind of MIL your children's spouses will think you are - try to look at it from both sides.

Dawn

Many hugs to you. But... yeah, you're being hormonal. Who cares what your MIL says really? I mean... most of those comments are things people say to pregnant women and we just ignore them. Think about it this way. If your best friend said any of the things you listed above, would you be as mad as you are right now? If the answer is no, then it's hormones. Hang in there!

I'm sorry you had to endure that, gosh it sounds like she has no filter whatsoever! You are not being hormonal, I think I would've burst into tears if someone talked to me like that, especially if I felt great about myself when I left the house. But if she said it a couple times, I wouldn't have been able to contain myself, I probably would've told her off right at dinner.

I know you will get a dozen responses saying to let it go, but just like I told someone else in another post, sometimes it feels better to get things off your chest than just letting it burn.

I personally would probably call my husband into the room and let him know how I'm feeling and if I wasn't up to confronting her (which most likely I wouldn't especially in front of other people) I'd have my husband let her know I didn't appreciate her nasty comments one bit.
It doesn't sound innocent, but by the way you describe her I bet she'll come off as it was. Don't keep putting up with her rudeness or she'll just keep thinking she can get away with it. Hope you feel better!

EDIT: I read some of your other answers and it's just baffling me how some of them are saying she must have meant well or she wasn't trying to be rude and part of it is you being hormonal!
Umm maybe if you got along great I might say that, but that's the thing, you said you don't, and if you did she probably would never say anything like that!
I'm sorry but no one ever spoke to me like that when I was pregnant nor would I ever think they were just trying to be sympathetic or nice if they did.
No one in their right mind would ever say 'you look terrible I feel so sorry just looking at you' and mean well!! It was rude plain and simple and to say otherwise is a lie to your face.

If anything the opposite is true: People should watch their mouths around pregnant women because it is a hormonal time and weight gain can be a sensitive issue and it's easy for a pregnant woman to get upset about these things. It should not be the other way around that you should just take it all in stride and just accept that it comes with the territory.

What if we see a mom in public with a toddler having a tantrum? Yes we can sympathize but we certainly don't go up to her and say 'OMG I know how embarrassing that must be! Don't you just feel like running to the car?' Someone might say 'oh It's nap time huh?' but that's as far as it would go.
No one would ever tell a very obese person those things so why is it ok to say it to a pregant woman?
It's called a filter, and unfortunately some people don't have one.

Especially coming from a woman who's been pregnant herself before, there is no way in hell she could've actually thought her comments were going to provide any kind of 'sympathy'. Give me a break people!

I really think that there is a combination of things going on here. The comments made tonight felt worse to you because of the unresolved anger from the past. I don't think she was trying to be a b*tch when she said it. From what you have said, it seems as if she just doesn't realize how her actions affect others (common with people who are self-centered).

I would pick a time when it can be just the two of you and invite her to a nice lunch. Be kind, but honest about your feelings. The intent is not to make a scene, rather to have a polite conversation about some of the issues that you have. Sometimes just getting things out and off your chest is the biggest help. You are both adults who love all the same people. There should be some common ground that you two can build a healthy relationship on, even if there are things that you will never see eye to eye about.

I TOTALLY understand. I'm pretty sure we share MIL's. I know it sucks, but you'll probably have to move yet another comment of hers into the "foot in mouth" category. I don't think she's purposely trying to hurt you, she's just an idiot that says things poorly.

Take the first comment: "Are you as uncomfortable as you look?" The average woman would instead say something like "Oh hon, do you feel uncomfortable and ready to have this baby?" That's honestly probably what she meant to say but again, she put her foot in her mouth.

Moving 4 hours away from my MIL has helped. I still think fondly of the times I was able to get in a zinger at her, to make up for all those "foot in mouth" comments. I'll never forget the moment she was badgering us, insisting her grandbaby call her "Nana." I finally quipped that "Maybe if you'd ask NICELY." And she did!

What kind of a person would ever say "You look terrible" to a pregnant person??? Really not nice. When I was pregnant I was a water balloon - literally. I put on maybe 80 lbs on my already large (read, overweight) body. After I delivered, my body released all that water and within 2 weeks, I had lost all but 15 lbs of the pregnancy weight. So I was PUFFY! Even if someone thought I was puffy, they never told me to my face.

Seriously, I just saw my 92 year old uncle in a nursing home today. He weighs maybe 75 lbs and looks like death. My sister and I smiled big and told him he looked wonderful. Anyway, I digress. I don't know that this woman is trying to be mean on purpose, but your husband might have said something to her or perhaps might defend you privately. Geesh!

My grandmother is a very proper woman, but she asked me with pregnancy #3, "HOw much weight have you gained?" I answered, 7 pounds. I knew by answering that it allowed her to think it was ok, so I was prepared next time.

"How much weight have you gained?"
"How much weight have YOU gained? How do you like that question? Was that a nice thing to ask someone?"

She never asked it again.

You can turn it around on her, "Really, I feel pretty good. I was worried about you. You don't look well. Have you been to the doctor lately?"

I hate that society thinks they can say ANYTHING to a pregnant woman, and if we snap, they blame it on the hormones. We are not their property!

Good luck....come up with a doozy to get her to shut it.

Why don't you try to tell her it's a not a good time to talk about this with you in front of others and tell her how you feel about it in a nice way. Maybe she'll understand and not do it in the future. I would think she is just thinking of how she'd feel, etc. but it is a bit rude and of course it would hurt your feelings at this point. Talk to her about it.

I could have handled the first comment, the others were just her trying to push the envelope.

Sometimes it's hard to know how to respond to someone who is thinly disguising back handed comments with concern. I think I might of ended the conversation with.

Thanks for your concern, I'm fine, really. How is everyone's meal? That way she knows the conversation in closed. If she had continued, I would have said, "Really, I thought we had already finished this conversation."

good for you for behaving graciously and venting here.
not only is she obnoxious and ungracious, but she has terrible timing. i wish your husband would have said to her with a surprised tone 'i have no idea what you mean. i was just thinking as we were getting ready for our date tonight that K. looks unusually beautiful tonight. need your glasses checked out, ma?'
but then, that's the sort of thing i always think of too late.
you DID 'let her get away with it' but that's a good thing. while she has not an iota of social skills, it may actually be that she thought she reaching out to you, or expressing sympathy, however clumsily. you have the rest of your life to develop good boundaries with her if you feel you need them, but you can do that calmly and courteously, and not from a place of near-delivery hormones and hurt. you'll do it much more clearly and usefully when you're feeling rebalanced.
khairete
S.

Ugh, I think we have the same damn MIL!! :) Honestly, I don't have a great relationship with my MIL either, although it's almost always me getting hurt/offended, and just like you, I'm always polite about it and tend to retreat to myself to deal with my feelings instead of blowing up at her. Honestly, I think her comments were rude (as are many people's comments during pregnancy), but in her case, may have an intended harmful edge to them. Add to that your hormonal state and poor relationship with her, and of course you're going to get offended! I, too, question my reaction to my own MIL, because I can no longer tell if she's genuinely being offensive, or if I'm just offended by everything that comes out of her mouth these days. :)

I think you should maybe prepare some polite retorts for the next time you get together, as you should expect her ridiculous comments. If you have time to think them through beforehand, then you won't have to come up with something on the spot, when you're upset. Pregnancy was miserable for me, and I got some horrible comments because I got so big. I do see other pregnant women & sympathize, but I would NEVER say those things to anyone. I feel sorry for her if she thinks it's OK to talk like that. Good for you for not engaging with her. Just take care of yourself and surround yourself with people who make you feel beautiful and loved. Pregnancy and motherhood is hard enough without people like her in your life! Good luck. :)

OK, background from where I am coming from: I adopted and have never given birth, I also work for a testing laboratory and only call on OB/GYNs now and see/speak with A LOT of women ready to give birth.

With the exception of the "you look terrible" the rest seems totally reasonable about a woman that is going to birth a small human in a month!!

I'm sorry your MIL upset you tonight, maybe it *is* just interacting with her. Best of luck on your new little one coming soon!

You're not being hormonal. She's being a passive-aggressive cow, thinly disguising ugly comments as "concern".
HOWEVER: don't be angry with yourself. I think you did the right thing to just remove yourself from the situation and allow some time to regroup. I used to have a TERRIBLE temper. I mean terrible. But once I was pregnant with my first, I just kept thinking "bad feelings are not good for the baby. anger is not good for the baby. high blood pressure from getting freaked out is not good for the baby". I "armed" myself with beautiful things: I changed my music from Rage Against the Machine to worship music, or Andrae Bocelli or Sarah Brightman. When I'd get aggravated, I'd sit down in the glider we got for the baby, put my feet up, listen to some calming music, and rub my thumb over the super soft baby blanket, think good thoughts. SO for that reason, if you're upset, it is best to remove yourself and just calm down again. In the likely event that it happens again, I'd say something to the effect of, "I'm sure that you think you're showing concern, but all these comments on how bad I look are seriously just rude and aren't helping. Let's talk about something else, please." Before she has a chance to protest, change the subject. You could even be kind and ask her opinion on something baby-related or whatever.
But no, you don't need to give her a piece of your mind or get into a big thing right now. I would be aggravated with this even if I wasn't pregnant so I don't think it's hormonal, but you have to remember that your hormones are constantly "brewing" and if you start, it could get real hormonal (and not healthy) very easily. You did fine leaving the room. Hope you slept well.

Would you have felt so hurt if anyone else had said those things?

Well, it's hard to say without knowing the whole picture of how your MIL really is, but I would say she was just trying to sympathize/make you feel better.

Honestly, my husband said the same things to me when I was pregnant, and he meant no ill will at all. He just felt like he was commiserating. Of course, he said those things while I was complaining about feeling/looking fat and miserable. :)

The comment that stands out to me is when she said you looked terrible...her choice of words could have been different IMO. Sometimes you can nip foolish comments that rub you the wrong way in the bud by repeating what the person said. When my husband said to me, "I think you should get looked at to make sure you're in your right mind" I repeated what he said in the form of a question and it made him feel stupid for even saying it. Sometimes people don't think before they speak when their talking to a pregnant woman. What you're feeling could be a combination of hormones and unresolved anger towards her. Be aware of filtered and unfiltered feelings when dealing with your MIL. This might be something to google if you're unsure of what they are. It may help to understand your feelings and cope better with you're MIL. If you want a book to read with a funny title it is called "How to Deal with People You Can't Stand." This book is geared towards the work place but I bought it so I could deal with my dad. He's a piece of work as well and always will be :) Good luck and I'm sure you look just fine! HTH!

K.,

She is rude and she knows it. I am so sorry! I am 2 weeks away from my dd and I can understand how emotional/hormonal we are at this time. She shouldn't have said those awful things but it sounds like her intention was to try and make you feel better--which backfired because of course your not going to feel better with comments such as this! I would try and ignore any other comments and tell her if she has something nice to say to you, you would love to hear it but otherwise--zip it! Hang in there- and remember, your husband loves you, you are pretty and nothing she or anyone else can say anything to change that!

Rude comments - her issue.

Seething b/c someone you don't respect gave an opinion you disagree with - your issue.

No free rent in your head. Who cares if she says you have cankles, look 55 years old, have vericose veins or have boogers hanging out of your nose? My dad suggested my then fiance leave me, go on our honeymoon alone and meet a nice beach bum. So?

What she says is out of your control - you are only in charge of your response - if any.

I don't know what I would have done, but I can empathize with you. My MIL is the queen of back-handed complements that are really insults. She is patronizing, lacks compassion, completely judgemental and just overall mean spirited. I rarely say anything b/c she is also confrontational, which I am not. Luckily, they live on the other side of the country so I take solace in that.

i couldve handled the first couple comments but the last on wouldve pushed it over the edge i wouldve been like excuse me? do u have any idea how rude n mean u sound..wow it probably wouldve started an argument but i wouldt have been able to hold it in.. good for u that u did

Get ready for more after you have the baby. My sister really gave it to me after I had my baby and had not lost the weight...

My MIL found out I was pregnant and within 2 weeks was offering me a nice sum of money to leave and never speak to her son again. In hind site I shoulda took it and RAN FORREST RAN. But I digress....

Her words are nothing. But I do have to ask where your husband was. Did he hear the comments? Did he back you up in any way? I'd be more offended if my hunny didn't come to my rescue than I would if some curmudgeon called me names.

Sending good thoughts your way.

ps: YOU LOOK MAHVELOUS!! And don't let someone tell you any different! ;)

Ah, aren't all MIL's great? Some people have great relationships - mine is more like yours. We don't see eye to eye, but we both do our best to be respectful.

Anywho, I think she was way rude with her comments and you have every right to be mad...pregnant or not!

Sounds like she has a severe lack of social grace. I don't think her intent was to make you feel bad. I wouldn't take it personally.

Anyone that needs to comment that much about a VERY pregnant woman is either very stupid or very crass - I'm going for a combo of both.

Ignore her and move on - yes - she was rude and I would have been livid too. I'm really small (barely 5 foot 2) and get really big when I'm pregnant. Since we live across country people at home only saw me towards the end of both of my pregnancies (home in Dec, due in Feb time frame) and they always had stupid ridiculous unkind comments about how huge I was.

I would have said something like "Yes - I'm big now - but don't worry - once I have this baby I'll look great again - are you planning on birthing your baby soon? Oh - you aren't pregnant - so you have no excuse for your "insert insult" (big butt, big gut, ugly face, etc) but I"m mean and can only tolerate so much. :-)

Good luck

Write these with the quotes and post them on facebook (you can start by saying a few things I have heard this week instead of saying my MIL said these to me). Ask your friends what they think. I am assuming she is also your fb friend. Sometimes people forget the words that come out of their mouths.

You might be the better person by posting here instead of facebook.

Those are horrible, heartless things to say-to anyone!
I'm sorry. Sorry you had to deal w/ that.
Try not to dwell on it as it will only do you more harm than good.
Maybe next time try to have something ready to say. I know I struggle w/ saying the right thing at the right time. Always come up w/ something great like 3 days too late. Lol.

Interesting enough, I thought about asking a question (here) regarding hard feelings towards the way our spouses/SO's were raised. DH was telling DD some childhood stories the other night and I was just livid-so much neglect!

Enjoy the last bit of your pregnancy. And hope you have several more days of feeling great!

No, it's rude. Funny thing is... people don't think it's rude, some people think they are just paying you a compliment and letting you know they understand or that they feel for you. So, since I don't personally know your dynamic, I don't know if it is intentional. A lot of women say similar things, without meaning to be rude at all. I recently read, that once a woman becomes pregnant, she becomes "public territory".. and it's so true, even complete strangers feel the urge to touch, talk, share, ask...

I would grin and bear it until I couldn't take it anymore and then respond with something along the lines of, "You are looking a little puffy yourself, maybe a nice glass of ice water would help."

Even still, when I had mil issues, the best advice I received was to "start where you are and go forward." Once I released those hard feelings and anger from the past, it made it much easier!

I am 6 weeks from delivering... and people are saying things like, "Wow, I can't believe how great you look!" Which basically means, I look better than I did a month ago when I was green in the face and swollen like a watermelon.

She sounds obnoxious. It wasn't just one comment that upset you...it was a series. Seems like she had diarrhea of the mouth!!! Every pregnancy and person is different. Just ignore her (easier said than done I know!) and focus on your daughter and new arrival. Your health is what is important...don't let her have an effect on you!!!