How Would You Handle This? - Reston,VA

I would tell my niece to run as far away from this relationship as possible. If the boy/man truly cares for her, he will make the necessary changes. However, since they are so young....I repeat, I would ADVISE my niece to get as far away as possible, continue with her education, date more then one young man, graduate, get a good job and proceed from there.

This is a good time for your niece to stop being a girl and start being a W....and that's not an insult in any way. It's just one of those times where she's at a crossroads in her young life, she's spent a lot of time with him, and she's in her early twenties and now it's time for her to decide if she wants to invest more in this relationship or see what else is out there.

I had to tell my now husband when I was 20 (we had been together for about 5 years at that point) that I was absolutely unequivocally NOT going to be playing games anymore and he needed to be serious about our relationship or we'd go our separate ways until he was ready to get serious and then he could look me up and see if I was still available. He chose the latter...for about 2 weeks. Then, he showed up at my door with a ring asking if I was still available to spend the rest of my life with him and we were married about 2 years later.

We've now been married for about 7 years and have two children and throughout our marriage and through talking to friends he recalls that as the time that he suddenly took me seriously, that he grew up and realized he couldn't just keep me hanging on until he felt like making a decision about where we were going to go in life. He had never really considered that *I* had other options, because he was fretting so much about his other options...and not just women, but traversing the globe, etc. etc. He never considered himself old enough to settle down, until he realized he wasn't ready to let me go.

Your niece needs to see herself as empowered and the decision maker in this relationship just as much as he is and not just wait and want him to make the right decision because as long as he can have his cake and eat it too, he will. By that, I mean the adoration of best female friend and the comfort and security of long term girlfriend...while still being presented with other potentially attractive relationship options...

She needs to stop being a doormat and take her own power back. Good luck.

Well.. they're 21. If I were her, I'd be like 'okay, fine, I'm not your top priority, BYE!!'... but I also understand that feelings are different for other people.

I still think she needs to come up with some guidelines and priorities. If he isn't willing to compromise, he does NOT deserve her.

When I met my husband, he had a female best friend, whom I loved and immediately became friends with. HOWEVER, it quickly became apparent that while she was in a (sh!tty) relationship with someone else, she was very jealous of my husband being in a happy relationship, and treated him like a 'girlfriend', not a guy friend. Wanted him to go out and play wing man, stuff like that.... which would have required my husband hanging out with a bunch of other single ladies and staying out late.

Lucky for me, my husband knew what his priorities were. He cut her off and out of his life; she just wasn't worth the hassle. If your nieces boyfriend was serious about her, he'd do the same thing.

I think, at 21, you don't know what or who you want, you barely know yourself. Again, if it were me personally, I'd tell him to take a hike and stick it where the sun don't shine!! It kind of sounds like she lacks the confidence to do that. If he doesn't have the balls to stand up for HIMSELF, then he's not man enough for HER.

I hope whatever happens, works out in her favor!! :)

I was exclusively dating my now husband at that age and had been for a few years. I'm trying to envision a situation where he would allow anyone to set him up on a date (or even try to) while he and I were together.
It's the boyfriends responsibility to say to his friend/roommate "What do you mean you're setting me up I am dating so-and-so and have been happy with her for four years!
Something just sounds weird. I would have never stood for my guy to live with a girl who had EVER professed feelings for him. Living together is a very personal 24/7 realtionship even if it's supposed to be as friends. You're right it does sound complicated and honestly it seems your neice's boyfriend likes it that way. Why wouldn't he just find another roommate?

My theory is he has complained to his roommate about the girlfriend and maybe asked for advice in certain situations. She is reacting to the things he has confided in her by setting him up with people that she thinks would be better suited for him. And he isn't throwing up any stop sign, because he is open to the idea. After dating the same chick for 4 years, being a horny young man in college, he may want to take a look around at his options. It doesn't mean he wants to excercise them, but maybe just see what's out there before taking the plunge.

If you've ever been friends with a guy, you know they confide in you about things they would never tell thier gf. She knows things about him that he would'nt want his gf to know. He wants to maintain the peace with gf, and maintain the image she has of him. I used to marvel at my frineds - how does your gf not know you smoke? Can't she smell it on you? How does your gf not know that you spend so much time on my couch? How does she not even know you're favorite band, what do yall even talk about? Guys don't worry about disapointing or hurting the homie/lover/friend so they are much more open with who they really are.

How would I handle it? I'd suggest she tell him the engagement is off as long as he is open to dating other women. WHen he gets serious about being exclusive, we can revisit it.

If they are 21 and have been together for four years it's probably time to break up.
It's really hard, I went through the same thing with my BF of 3 years when I was 21, and I have a 19 year old nephew going through it now (he's been with his GF since he was 16.)
Young love is intense, and often very real. And when one is ready to move on it is very hard. He doesn't want confrontation or hurt feelings because he loves her, I'm sure, but at the same time he's showing the signs he's ready to see other women.
I KNOW how much it hurts, believe me, but try to get your niece to let him go, to focus on herself and her own future for a while. If they are meant to be together they will be, but 21 is SO young, they really need some time apart after four years. It's hard to become a single independent adult when you've pretty much always been one half of a couple.

I am with Jo W. I think the classy, no drama approach would be to just tell him that this behavior of the girl trying to set him up when he is obviously in a steady relationship is hurtful and disrespectful as well as him not manning up to tell her to stop. And leave it at that. If he does go out on one of these dates, then I would kick him to the curb!!

For a more dramatic, concrete approach maybe your niece should set this girl's fiance up with some dates. You know, just to be sure he is truly ready to be married and all. (wink, wink!) :-p
Fight fire with fire and maybe this girl will see how absurd she is being!

HTH,
A.

Has she asked the BF to turn the tables and put himself in her place?

I was immature and full of games at that age and I would have made up a male friend and told my BF that he was trying to set me up with guys in order to get him to really FEEL ME.

Nothing she can really do but make it clear to her BF that this female is HIS friend only! not her friend as well, I would not even want to be her friend after hearing her intentions. Allow him to understand that this girl does not support or respect thier relationship and she never will unless she matures.

She may need to stop going along and make a big fuss so that he can hear her and take a stand.

Let us know what happened because I love young love! LOL...

Added: Tracy K theory makes a lot of sense..

First off, NEVER tell a man at any age what they "need" to do..unless they are your sons.

The advice I would give would be to calmly say "Honey, we've been together a long time and I love the fact that you have been a big part in my life. I notice when your roommate tries to set you up with other people, you do not object. This makes me wonder if you and I have the same goals.Where do you see our relationship in 5 years? (Don't let him get away with answering this question with a question)"

Than let him voice his opinions. If he's the type of person who keeps quiet not wanting to hurt anyone's feelings, he will not answer directly...which will continue in their relationship. This is not a good relationship if he's afraid of being honest. Tell her to watch for his body language and facial expressions (squirming, lack of eye contact, wringing of hands, etc.). They are good indicators for real feelings and emotions not verbally expressed.

Yep, Cheryl, I'd add more. Maybe it's time for your niece to start seeing other guys. She isn't engaged, so she's fair game. I know she loves him, but it doesn't sound like he's totally devoted to her and her only. I'd really hate for her to be so understanding and loyal to a guy who doesn't seem to be reciprocating. Most guys that age are only interested in sex and aren't mature enough to make any type of commitment to one girl. Just tell her to keep that in the back of her mind and don't spend her youth wasted on this relationship. She's young, and there are so many more things she has to look forward to in life, not to mention so many great guys out there who I am sure would love to date her.

It's her relationship. You gave good advice, now it's up to her.

WHY is HE not telling her to stop? The not wanting confrontations excuse is lame. I'd puzzle a bit on that. Maybe he's just not that into her.

It's simple really. All he has to say is "I have a girlfriend and I'm not interested in dating anyone else." Easy peasy.
If he doesn't, she should move on.

How does she KNOW the girl is trying to set him up with dates? Is he telling her this? Also equally lame. And yet, he's "ok" with *that* kind of confrontation and hurt feelings?

And I think she doesn't need to say a word. His actions speak loudly.

Again, and I've even heard YOU say this....she can't control his actions, only her response to them.

She needs to just tell him it is hurting her feelings without a lot of drama. Then let it go for a while. So long as he doesn't actually go out on any of those dates I think that can be taken as implicit disapproval.

Ok, so they've been a couple since they were 17. It's time.
1) the "best friend" still has designs on him, I'm sure. I wouldn't be the least bit surprised if, were your niece to break up with her bf, if the "best friend" wouldn't put off her wedding or get caught "accidentally having too much to drink and sleeping with" her best friend. Oops!
2) They are at a very transitional age in their lives. There is no way they are the same people they were at 17--- at least, good grief lets hope not! Many Many Many long term first love relationships end at this stage. It doesn't mean anything is doing anything wrong or that they don't love each other. But that love can change to a more sibling type love, that is more a love of the comfort of that person in their lives, than the actual PERSON.
3) He may realize some of this, or be wondering about it, but doesn't want to make her cry. He doesn't want the drama of being the bad guy when she hasn't done anything "wrong". How to feel okay about hurting someone deeply, when they "don't deserve" it. ? He probably genuinely cares for her. But he isn't planning on spending the rest of his life with her, most likely. It's a familiar and comfortable relationship that has seen him through leaving high school and graduating college... It's a link that sort of means he hasn't grown up yet---and some people are scared to grow up.

If he is not telling the best friend to stop, then he is not ready to be tied to your niece. And she should probably let him go.
Sorry to say that. But that is life. He isn't a bad guy. He's just not ready for that or he doesn't want that with her.
It's time she puts this away like her old high school yearbook. Fond memories, but it's in the past.
:/

I think you are absolutely right - by not objecting, he is giving his approval. I also think the way you advised her to confront her boyfriend is a good way of doing it.

I think you are also right that this female friend is jealous and is trying to sabotage the relationship between bf and your niece because she was pretty much thwarted by him because of his feelings for your niece.

I would also add that if he still refuses to tell her to stop, your niece should rethink the relationship. If they are going to move forward, she has to be his priority - which I'm sure you already know.

Good job, C. O!

I kept hearing that "He's just not that into you" Author who's name I don't know say, "He's just not that into you" in my head as I read this. I agree that the "friend" is trying to stir up things. If your nieces boyfriend isn't able to stand up to a "friend" and say, I don't want this. Than either he doesn't feel that way or is a wimp. Either way, not someone your neice needs to be with. So I like others think she needs to be a bit firmer and if he doesn't comply end it. He may be young and niave as to what's going on and what he stands to lose but live and learn.

If it were my stepdaughter, I'd tell her she needs to flat-out ask him why he's not telling this friend (who presumably knows about his girlfriend) to knock it off. She needs to know if they're treading water til the inevitable end or if there's something worth saving. If he's not telling her to quit and protecting his relationship with his girlfriend, then there's more afoot than this "best friend". If he's no longer invested in their relationship, then they need to part.

If my male friend had a girlfriend, I would not be trying to hook him up with anybody else. Not until his current relationship was done and over. I think that's disrespectful, no matter what he may have told her about how he feels. A good friend tells you to break up, not tries to enable you as a cheater.

I also agree that you won't always like your partner's friends and if I thought someone was trying to sabotage my relationship, I would NOT be trying to befriend her. Your niece doesn't need this girl's permission.

Invite the two of them over for lunch or dinner or lunch could include dinner. But talk it out with them --Cheryl's role would be mentor maybe referee. It sound like there is a lot more going on that you aren't saying or don't know.
The girl roommate could be threatening to toss him out and maybe he can't find another place or an affordable place. So if he rocks the boat too much he's out on his A$$. All he needs to do is say to any girl rommie trys to fix him up with is 'ahh sorry taken --wanna see a picture of my girlfriend she's really cute'.
Your neice needs to understand that they have been dating for 4 yrs if there is a reason she can't trust him, she needs to speak up. Otherwise she trusts him. They probably have a master plan in place --if not help them get one going. What will they do after she graduates, where will they live, will they live together, if she has an offer in another state will they both go? You know the routine. Do they have a life plan? Do they plan to stay together?
Whatever happens your neice needs to understand that his living arrangement is temporary.

Wow, they are all acting like children.

IF he really wanted this roommate to stop he would say something on his own or make the girl move out or make arrangements to get out himself.. . He really would.

But either because he is too immature, or really does not care as much as he thinks your niece does, he is not doing a thing about it.

Let her know, they NEVER change. He will always treat these situations the same way in the future. If he is not man enough now, he never will be.

She can either be prepared to put up with this and just know this will continue, or she can get out of it now.

This is not unusual to grow out of a relationship during these transitional times.. Luck y for her she did not marry him earlier. Just because they have been together all of this time, does not mean they HAVE to get married.

Hi, Cheryl:

Your neice is trying to control the b/f. All you really need to do is listen to her. Tell her to get involved in her school work. Join in a college club and get involved in her college and wait for him to grow up. His frontal lobe hasn't fully developed yet. It will by the time he is 25 years old.

Tell her to buy the book: The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman.
Good luck.
D.

the other girl is jealous and hoping to sabatoge the relationship. If he isn't doing anything to stop her then he is okay with what she is doing. He should be angry with this girl for doing this and for trying to hurt his girlfriend. Since he isn't, it speaks volumes as to his feelings for your niece. As for your niece towards the other girl, she needs to stop doing things to make her like her. She should contact her and say "I know that you are setting him up with other girls and this is very upsetting because we are a couple. I want you to stop. I have done nothing to you and have tried everything I can to make you like me. What your doing makes you a witch."

yeah i agree she needs to have a sit down with him. and then if he doesnt want to tell this friend to stop then your niece needs to think about leaving him.. poor girl shouldnt have to deal with this.

sounds to me like the boyfriend is "dating" both of these young women, the one publicly, the other, not so publicly. otherwise, why would she be showing such blaring signs of jealousy ?? the other girl is not ever going to like your niece because of her "secret" relationship with this guy. do yourself, and your niece, a favor, tell her, give it six months of no "personal contact" with this guy, it will either make or break his relationship with his "roomie", in the meantime, encourage your niece to date other men, other men who are not in a "quiet"relationship with someone else.
K. h.

What you said is exactly how I would handle it. I'm 23 years old and have been in a commited realtionship for quite a few years as well (and not married). I have been in a similar situation. Really all she can do is tell him exactly what you suggested. If I were her, I would also comfront the friend and tell her that her behavior is not acceptable.
If he doesn't stand up for the relationship, I would honestly leave him. If he isn't willing to fight for, or stick up for the relationship, then he is just waisting her time.
Hope that helps, good luck to your niece.

I feel bad for your dear niece-the boyfriend doesn't appreciate nor deserve her unbridled loyalty, trust and decency. I also feel sorry for the meshugenah fiance of the roommate who is about to marry the girl and make the worst mistake of his life. Were I your niece, I would talk to the roommate and ask her what her motivation is for breaking up her 4 year relationship-once boyfriend is free-the roomie won't want him!! Both are quite young in the grand scheme of things. I wish them luck-hard enough to maintain relationships when someone isn't trying to sabotage them at every turn.