How Would You Handle This? - Hackettstown,NJ

If my husband had said this in front of his mother, she would have slapped him.

I'm not going to lie, your husband's position confuses me. My husband prides himself on having a good enough job that I can CHOOSE to stay at home with our children and they can have their parent with them most of the time. Now that my daughter is a little older, she goes to Grandma's for half the day every other week, but otherwise it's all mommy all the time and we like it that way.

Anyway, it sounds to me that he's lost sight of the fact that marriage is a partnership and you need to stand by one another. Disagreements need to happen in private. And though you are eager to be with your baby now, I would imagine (having not read your previous posts) that losing a job was still pretty rough for you. That was insensitive on his part.

I'm with you, if he's not sure about having your daughter home all the time, one or two days a week is plenty. And just because money isn't an "issue" doesn't mean it wouldn't be a good thing if you guys could have some extra funds kicking around. If nothing else, you could use that money to get memberships to the zoo or museums you can then visit whenever you like with your baby.

Good luck. I hope you guys work it out smoothly. If you get that extra time with your little one, I hope you have a blast!

could you find a closer program that is half day as opposed to all day twice a week. it doesn't make sense to blow gas money and wear and tear on a car when your not working.

I"m not sure why you'd drive that far for a pre school if you are not working near there any more. She's a preschooler - she will love any preschool. Find one that is closer.

Then, talk to your husband and let him know that what he said hurt your feelings. That he could have gotten his point across in a much nicer way.

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When I went freelance, I took my child out of daycare. She was about 18 mo. and while she enjoyed the center, there was nothing like mom time. I make it a point to socialize her locally with our Meet Up group and take her to the library, etc.

If you are planning to return to work, I'd talk to the center about it and see what it would take to hold the slot. You may be able to compromise where you pay full weeks but you have your DD home several days a week. If money is not an issue, this might be a good way to keep her there some of the time, have a place to take her when you interview or have an appointment, and still get more mom time. However, she could also thrive in a center that is closer to your home where you can both share the driving. Further, if you don't get a new job in that area, the local daycare would negate having to shuffle her later.

I would say, "DH, I realize you are just trying to be practical but it hurt my feelings when you said that. It felt like you were saying that I was not good for my child or incapable of enhancing her life by spending more time with her." See how that goes.

Also, I used to travel 25 miles one way to work, and my DD's daycare was in that area. Without the work commute, I am reluctant to put her in their preschool because that's a huge chunk of the day if you have nothing else going on in that area.

I think you need to sit down with him and see if the job loss is affecting him in ways you did not expect. What are the new expectations? It sounds like you and he are on different pages. Is he jealous of your possible time with your child?

I re-read your posts. Are you keeping your daughter the three days she went to her grandparents? It seemed that was a fight with your husband as well. He seems very controlling in trying to limit your time with your daughter. I don't think I would have asked permission, I would have just stated that I was cutting back her stay at daycare. Also, what happens if you find another job in a different direction? Are you going to continue to drive there and turn around and drive the other way to work? Seems this might be the time to bond with your DD and find a new daycare closer to home. Personally, I think you have bigger issues than this. Your husband is trying to control everything. That would be a bigger issue for me.

If it were us, we'd pull our kid out of daycare. No sense spending gas and wear/tear on your car for 1-2 days a week. Sure she may love it, but trust me (from personal experience), she will love being at home more. And who knows with the future - you may find a job that has a daycare close to it so you don't have to drive 25 mins each way. If I were in your situation, my hubby would probably expect me to take/pick her up, too, only because I'm not working. Good luck in whatever you decide!

I think you're just going to have to talk to him about this.
You are thinking it will be saving money not to take her to daycare because you're not working as of recently and he might be thinking it WON'T be saving money in the long run when you could be using those two days to find another job and have that income coming back in.

Maybe compromise and continue to take her to that daycare while you look for another one closer.
But, I think it boils down to you both having THE talk....
Is it your intention not to go back to work at all?
You need to be on the same page about that.
Like I said, he may be thinking that affording 2 days at daycare is doable until you find another job, with him assuming that's what you intend to try to do.
Lots of families can have a temporary buffer until a second income is replaced.
If you don't want to go back to work, that needs to be dealt with in budget negotiations.
Seriously.

Best wishes.

I could be way off but I get the feeling your husband feels money is fine now but won't be if you don't find another job. You on the other hand seem to be plowing full speed ahead wanting to be a stay at home mom. The reason I get is you don't want to try to find a new job because the last one was a horror story. You seem to be using every excuse under the sun as to why you can't work and then you are dismantling your child care.

I guess I get the feeling that if you are not actively looking for a job and instead playing with your daughter it would go a long way to explaining his behavior and words.

If this is the case I get it, after all your daughter cannot fire you and won't make you feel bad for at least another ten years. It is safe. The problem is your daughter cannot bring in money to put a roof over your head and lord that scares the heck out of guys.

I think you guys need to sit down and discuss what feelings are driving both of your actions and work through it. That way you are both on the same page. :)

This is a tough one. I can understand your wanting to spend more time with her. However, you do need to consider the fact that she LOVES her daycare.

I know that feeling of wanting to spend more time with your child. In fact, my son who is 9 went to Summer School for 6 weeks and while I am down for his learning, I really did think at one point how I would like to have him home so that we can spend more of the Summer together. BUT instead, for his own good, I sent him to school..

Additionally, I don't often drive which meant for one week of his Summer classes, when he only attended from 1pm - 4pm.. and I was without a car, I had to busy myself nearby his school. Going home was not an option as I would literally have to get back on the bus and get him. Therefore, I had to busy myself for three hours near his school. That week, I walked 30 miles.. did a lot of sightseeing and oh did my feet hurt :) Therefore, in a way, I don't think driving for about 20 min to 1/2 is so bad.. and true, if you aren't working, why not? that isn't a judgement but rather to say I do feel that when I am not working it is my job to take my son wherever he needs to go and no way is it a burden. In fact, I feel blessed that as my son's parent, I am able to tend to my son way more than I used to when working 60 hours a week..Try and view taking your daughter to daycare as something special for her... and IF down the road, you truly feel like one day a week is what you want, then speak to your husband again ..