How Would You Feel??? - Barrington,IL

Well I can't help you other to say I have a sister that my mother does this for! Drives me and my husband crazy!
She is a total mess because my mom gets her out of trouble all the time and my sister never learns.
My mom will go out of her way to even watch her kids ALL the time, so my sis can go do the single life and yet my mom sees my 2 kids 1-2 times a month. She lives 5 mintues from me!
So Just know you aren't aren't alone. Doesn't help the frustration, but I bet this is pretty common :(

I have a very similar situation in my family.

My mother always caters to my brother who is an ungrateful jerk. She has put herself out of house and home, has called me asking me to help him financially or asking for financial help for herself after she's emptied her pocketbook for him.

If I think about it, it makes me mad. So that's how I'd feel...mad. But then I'd also feel grateful that 1) it's not my problem and I don't HAVE to deal with it 2) that I'm not a jerk/loser and that I don't have as many problems as my brother who has a singular talent for screwing things up.

You sort of said it yourself...she didn't tell you because she knows what you're going to say! It's her decision, not yours.

And I have a brother who lives like he's 16...off mom and dad...they complain all the time and I just say "I don't want to hear it, you created the monster, he's all yours". So I do get it.

One of my "older" friends is going through this right now...she is finding herself in the position where she is once again going to have to bail out her son financially. It is not the first time, she knows she enables him. BUT, there are grandchildren involved AND he is her son! She has 2 other children and at least one of them gets very angry if his brother receives any help. My friend is so torn and stressed out by that alone that she is scared to talk to the angry son about the issue. She LOVES her children, all of them, and she will always be there for them...no matter what! There is no choice for her, her son may goof up but she has to forgive him and help him otherwise she would be miserable. You are angry at your mother because she hasn't told you about the current situation...could it be that she knows how negatively you will react? That you will then lecture her about how she enables her son? That you will put her and your brother down, look down on them and their mistakes? Try to imagine that you may be in the same position someday and that your own children may treat you this way and essentially ask you to choose one over the other...when you will truly love all of them, no matter what. Be happy that your mother loves you and your brother, and be really happy that you aren't the one who constantly has to run to mom for money...that leaves you more time to have a wonderful, uncomplicated relationship with your mom :) Blessings & Peace.

Honestly, as much as I understand why you are upset---its not your place to be involved in your mom's financial business. She doesn't have to tell you. She is a big girl-an adult and can choose who she gives money to and who she doesn't. Its unfortunate that she didn't share that with you, and it sounds like she hurt your feelings. You sound like a wonderful daughter who really cares and so I see both sides of this picture....

Do you think if you confront your mom she will fess up and tell you whats really going on? I would start there and tell her you are concerned about the stress she is taking on and you want to make sure she isn't being taken advantage of.

I guess she just does not want to hear your opinion. If it were me and I knew she knew you don't approve then I would expect her to avoid you.

Let it go, if she wanted to talk to you about it she would, and so would he.

You know and I know that bailing him out is like giving a drunk a drink. She IS enabling him. You say "She knows I think she enables my brother and his bad habits and lack of money management." There's your answer....she doesn't want to hear about it from you (right or wrong). Yes, she is enabling him. Yes, she can change it, but she's not. There's a codependency for some reason...
She's a grown woman. When she gets sick of bailing him out, she'll say no.
Stay out of it.
TRY not to let it affect your relationship with your mom--that would be a shame.

While I understand your frustration, it really isn't any of your business. Your mother is a grown up. I assume she is not stupid. However, she loves her son. It is her money to do with as she pleases. Don't feel confused. It sounds perfectly clear. She wants to help him. With her own money. She knows his history. And nobody asked your opinion. Will she get burned? It depends on how she defines that. In her shoes, you might do the same thing for your child. Your mom sounds like she has a ton of compassion and love. Just love your mom and keep your opinion to yourself unless she asks for it. :)

I would be upset too. The only thing you can do is tell her NOW that in the future, if she allows herself to be bled dry with your brother's expenses, you will not bail her out.

She is absolutely enabling him. He won't grow up and be a man as long as he can run back to mommy. He is using his kids to guilt trip your mom. This is a very bad example for both of them to set for those kids.

Maybe for your mother's birthday or Mother's Day, you can set up an appointment for her to talk to a financial planner to make sure that she is in good enough financial shape to pay for your brother's expenses. Or better yet, put the whole family on the Suze Orman show. She'll be able to sort everyone out ;-)

Both my husband and I were raised by mothers who enable our older sibling to be a complete loser. They actually had the nerve to ask us if they spend all their money, much helping the sibling, will we take care of them.

I flat out told them we have medical issues so they better take care of themselves. My husband has promised to help him M.(though we won't help his sister and she knows it). Plus, his parents have money.

Still, she and now her kids get free cars, free houses, credit cards paid off totally every Christmas, envelopes of cash so they can take a real vacation, free vacations with the parents, and more.

We had to back off and let them live for OUR stress level. Nothing will change them. It is sick.

I would be frustrated too. We went to my parnts house last night to celebrate my brother's 25th birthday. He got out of the Army a little over a year ago, didn't work for months, and now he works at a BBQ place part-time. He is no where near ready to move out on his own. I built the house I live in now and moved in a month after I turned 25, had my degree, was married for 4 years, and a mom to 3 kids. It's insane how different kids can turn out.

I don't tell my parents anything. My older sister lived there from the time she was 26-28, my younger sister lived there with her baby and boyfriend for 3 years, and my other brother was in an out for a while, but he now owns a house as well.

I know my parents will help any of their 5 kids any time they can, but they do need to stop enabling the ones who don't want for themselves.

So while it's frustrating, there is nothing you can do about it, so I'd just let it go.

I believe your feelings are justified. I also believe that you can't help how you feel but you can help how you deal w/ how you feel.

Your mother's and brother's financial situations/decisions are really none of your concern unless whatever they are doing directly affects you (such as you pay their bills or have co-signed for them). You are perfectly within your rights to say "Mom, while I don't personally think you should bail Johnny out again, I realized it is your decision. I do hope you are not putting yourself in a bad position in order to help him". However, since she hasn't told you, it would seem she doesn't want to hear it. Unless she does, I think you should just let it go.

I completely understand where you're coming from. Just remind yourself that it's your brother's hole, and your mother's choice to fill it up. And that means that whatever the consequence is for her choice, that's ALSO her choice. Choose the behavior, choose the consequence. It would have been nice if your mother let your brother learn that lesson, but as his mother she probably feels that it's her job to help him. She doesn't realize that he NEEDS to do this on his own.

As it is, now your mother has chosen HER behavior, and that means she has to deal with the consequence. And it will be up to you to refrain from bailing her out with cash. What you could do in anticipation of that phone call from her or your brother (or both) is to have the phone number of a really good financial adviser and some resources for them to get their finances in order listed plainly in a file for them.

Don't pay any of their bills. Don't lend them money because you'll never see it again. Invite them over occasionally for a meal, but avoid money discussions and refuse to give or lend money PERIOD.

Above all, don't make their money troubles YOUR money troubles. You're anticipating future problems and are upset at the fact that they left you out of this ... drama. Be thankful they left you out of it. If your mom can afford whatever she's given to your brother, God bless her. Hopefully your brother will appreciate it.

Talk to your Mom make sure she is okay. When she asks you tell her your concerned and want her to know the other side of what can happen if she keeps taking care of him. If she has support and someone that will stand with her while she tells him no I won't help you anymore she might stop helping him. Honestly its the older generation that still does this. My Mom was helped by her Mom and now she does it for my brother. Although after talking to me she made a stand and is not going to help to the extreme anymore for my brother. The worst that can happen is that she loses her house and has to move in with you. If that happens you could be in charge of her financial situation. If your brother does own things like a boat tell your mom he should sell them. If she is giving him money then he would have to listen to her stipulations.

The reason she didn't tell you is because she knows you would give her alot of grief about it and critisize her. But let me tell you...it always seems like sons need more help that daughters...and nothing you would say or do will make her change her mind about helping her son! You know..."Mommys boy and Daddys girl".

I think I would put it this way instead of not being mad about mom doing it, or really being worried if mom was having a financial problem, but well, the truth is -it just aint fair. I am in both situations. I am a daughter, always tried to be the good one, not bother anyone and my mother clearly favors a sister who has been nasty from the git go, takes care of the others who won't (not can't) won't work and then I am on the other side of this. I am a mother who has two sons, one who is doing quite well financially, the other who also makes continous bad choices. Well, from the mom point of view, it ain't fair either that he makes bad choices, but every time mom helps (me in this case) there is my wish that he will continue to make some better choices if I help. So...I paid for some college classes, he moved back into the house. The other times my head is up in the air at the anger I feel because it just seems to go on. But your mother, me, we know what we will hear from the other one. But until you have been through it (I didn't check your family status), until we 'walk in another's shoes' we can't see the whys or handle the confusion. I am sure your mother expected you to poohpooh it. I am sure when my son spent ten thousand dollars on a business doomed to fail (and this is the son that makes GOOD choices) that is why he didn't tell me. I am sure your mother has no intention of getting herself in the streets because of this but if she is seriously taking care of three extras then that is what makes her be able to sleep at night. forgive her, talk it over if you must and remember how human she is. As for brother, well, maybe, maybe this will work.