How to Tell the Truth

i love that you have always been honest with her thus far. keep that going. you can either tell her the plain truth but with VERY few details, or tell her honestly that it's a painful story and you will share it with her when she's older (then give her an age when you feel is more appropriate.)
i'm so sorry.
khairete
S.

I personally think that the truth is to heavy for a child her age. I wouldn't tell her that you feel she is too young for the details, that's just going to upset her because she won't understand what the big deal is. Since you are very open with her then give her a brief explanation in general terms like mental illness. Sorry, this is horrible.

My gut instinct is not to overload her with details. She is 7...I would talk in general terms...that Grandma and Grandpa were not well ( which is true, whether it were physically or mentally) and they just couldnt live any longer. That it made her Daddy very sad....and you were so glad that very soon she was born to help make his heart smile again!!
I see no need to burden this sweet little girl with the knowledge that her Grandma and Grandpa died in such a horrible and violent way. You have no way of knowing how it would effect her emotionally or how insecure it would make her feel. You can adjust what you tell her as she ages, add a few more details as she is more able to process them.
Think of it in the same way that you would go about explaining any really complicated and difficult subject to a 7 year old. If she wanted to know how a nuclear bomb were made ( a silly example I know!!!)...you would not go into all of the complicated and boring details...you would just skim over it and let it go at the bare minimum.
You also have to think about your younger daughter, and realize that whatever you share with your older daughter, she will probably talk about with her younger sister!
I am so sorry that there is such a sad legacy in your family...

Wow! I'm so sorry first off. Thats a difficult one.... Well I have a 7 year old as well and if I was to put myself in your possition, I would personally opt NOT to tell him the truth. My reason behind NOT telling him would be because their minds are so young still at this age that I think telling a child that young could traumatize him or confuse him to why would someone want to do that to another person and then to themselves.... Maybe as she gets older she'll already know more about life and she will understand it better. I have told my son about heaven and hell, and that just like on Tom and Jerry when a good angel pops up on tom's shoulder to convince him not to make a bad decision to do something he shouldnt there also pops up a bad devil that tries to convince Tom that its ok to do it. We also have to make those types of decisions, and we have to decide who we should listen to. the good angel or the bad devil? Some people choose to listen to the wrong one and end up making bad decisions. With this he knows that everyday in life he has to decide which he wants to listen to.... The bad people or the good... I know its a silly metaphor but if you decided to tell her, its an easy way for her to get it.... Good Luck!

I know you want to protect her but I think the truth is always best. A brief explanation with very limited details. Good luck this is a tough one but I am sure with the relationship you have with your daughter she will be fine.

we had a similar situation in my family... only it was my 18 month 1/2 sister who was killed by her dad, who killed himself. I was about 6ish when it happened, and we always knew the truth about what happened... we were able to handle it... im sure your daughter will too. Its better to tell her the truth now than for her to find out later.

Since she's asking, and since she never knew those people personally, and since it's history and not a current event, I don't think it will hurt her the way it hurt you. Especially since you are so open with her on thought-provoking subjects, I think you could give her the bare-bones truth.

If she wants details, find out what sorts of details she means. Then tell her only as much as you're comfortable with. She probably won't expect or want vivid accounts of the violence, she just may want details like how (gun?) or why (mental illness?) or whether it hurt, or whether this is something that could happen again with other family members. You should be able to offer her simple, straight, and perhaps even reassuring answers to questions like those.

If she wants a blood-and-guts description of what happened, just tell her you're not comfortable discussing it, but maybe someday in the future you will be, so maybe she can ask again in a couple of years.

I'm sorry to hear you have such a difficult history to make peace with.

I heard a great suggestion about when kids ask a question that they are not old enough to hear the answer: show them a very heavy suitcase (that they cannot lift) and ask them to try to lift it. When they say, "I can't, it's too heavy", then you say, "The answer to your question is also too heavy for you right now". I thought this was a great analogy.

Only you know what your daughter can handle.

I think, because she is not emotionally connected to those people, that story will be more fascinating than harmful to her. It might help to explain some things to her about her dad.

If you're really truthful about all those other things, then you can probably be truthful with this one. Maybe you could wait until 8 or 9, if you think she's really too young. Like I said, you know what your daughter can handle.

i think maybe you should tell her. she has to learn that death happens in many different ways and everybody does not die in their sleep or of old age. but tell her not to hate her grandfather for what he did. she make take it better then you think because you have been so open with her about everything else. i applaude you for that. good luck

It is great that you are always honest with your daughter and I am so sorry for this pain your family has experienced!

I agree with the person who talked about telling the TRUTH without all the details! I think you can use phrases like: they died the same day in a violent way, they were murdered (and when she is older explain he murdered himself), they were shot - her in the chest and him in the head (or however it happened). I would say that it was so unexpected that EVERYONE was surprised and shocked and sad - unlike with your parents who were ill and people were able to visit them in the hospital, help during treatments, etc. depending on what you have shared with her about your parents and their illnesses.

I don't think it benefits her at this stage to know that Grandpa killed Grandma because she may start to wonder if their son HER DAD will all of the sudden do that to you.... kids come up with the oddest connections and she could wonder that! You also need to consider what older cousins or other family members may say - my Dad and several other close relatives all died within a few years of each other starting when I was 9 years old and different family members told different stories about the deaths so I was pretty confused and my Mom didn't really talk about it at all. My Dad died of a heart attack at home on Thanksgiving but different family members knew different parts of the story and sometimes their stories contradicted each other and I still don't know the real details of the events of that day!

Good luck.
blessings,
Stacy

While I agree with the concept of being truthful with our children, I think you should ask yourself how it will help her to hear that her grandfather murdered her grandmother and then committed suicide...what possible good would come of that? That is horrible. I imagine that that particular truth is difficult enough for your poor husband to deal with...why subject a 7 year old to that reality? I think that story is better saved until she is an adult. Did she really ask how any of them died? My almost 7 year old has never asked me *how* any of our departed family members died. I would strongly discourage you from telling her at this age.

Of course I don't know your daughter and her maturity level, but I think she will be able to handle the truth, especially since you've been so open about other subjects. Keep in mind that she has never meet them or loved them like you did, and we all handle these things in different ways.

I have the deepest of sympathy and understanding. There is a way to talk about such tragedies to a child. Most children want to hear an explanation told in a convincing sounding way. Saying, that Dad's parents died in a tragic way; that most family members don't talk about it much because it is so sad to know they are gone. That much may get you started.

If you have ever watch the comedian Bill Engvall talk about a discussion with his tween son about sex, which is quite a laugh, you might realize that you can answer your daughter's questions without telling any lies. For instance, suppose you tell her that you do not know all the details. I would bet she be happy with having you share even just that much. Besides, it probably is true that you don't know _all_ the details.

Sort of like KansasMom's suggestions.

Good luck!

I agree with Kansas mom.

First let me say I'm so sorry that your family had to endure such a horrible tragedy.

What works for my son is I give him a few details, and then I tell him that I will explain the rest when he is a little older and can understand better. This usually satisfies him. He's 9 now and this is how I thwarted the too early "where do babies come from" discussion that was fueled by a pregnant neighbor and teacher. All of a sudden he just had to know everything lol.

As she gets older you can give her more details. Unfortunately with smart children (like your daughter and my son) we seem to need to discuss things a lot sooner than others, especially when there is misinformation from peers!

I think at 7 she is still too young. Just let her know they died tragically and when she is older you will let her know more. At 7 there are some things in life that need to be with held. I'm not even sure having a conversation about sex and abortion were completely right, but that's your daughter and you have the right to raise her however you want. I just don't think this is one of those things that should be discussed now.

I'm sorry to hear of your tragic loss and I hope your husband is OK emotionally. I know its been a while, but these things can be hard to digest for a long time to come.

WOW! That is a hard one. Can you say something like Grandpa hurt Grandma and that she is not old enough to know all the details? I personally do not think she is old enough to know the details.

You can also talk with a therapist (it sounds like it might be helpful for you as well) and talk it out in a therapist office when she is older. I would stress that I do not feel that she is old enough to handle the details of this. This is when you need to parent up and tell her as little as possible and let her know that some things need to wait until she is older.

Good Luck!

whatever you say to her, ask her to repeat what she thinks you just
said. That is how she may relay the story to her yournger sister and/or
to her friends. My mother died of suicide and even though we were
told the truth, it was not something that any of us were comfortable
talking about, especially with my father. We did not want him to relive
the sadness. I would not let her think it is an issue that is off limits of
discussing. I wish we would have talked about it more. It would have
been healthier, I think. None of us would have had thoughts that we caused it to happen, for instance. Some people die of health problems, some with mental issues and some at the hand of others. Some people seek help for their problems and some are never resolved. Even though
he was sick and did something really bad, you love him and you forgave
him a long time ago. Not putting words in your mouth, but suggestive.
The legacy of a person is so important. Depending on your priorities,
you may want to be protective of her grandparents' legacies. They should be remembered, too, for their contributions, not just the final act.
We all, as humans, falter; some worse than others. Some of us get a
chance to make a turn-around after a failure.
Maybe before "the subject" comes up again, you may be able to tell
stories about her grandparents, even laugh at some of your memories.
Paint a picture of some happier times before "the biggie". Maybe tell her
that you know they would have loved knowing her and her, them.
Maybe you can include his and her names in your prayers at night.
This is a very tough issue and I wish for you the best outcome.
You know your child best and what she can understand.
You are so smart to get others' perspectives on this delicate matter.

This is such a hard thing to do. I applaud you for always answering your child's questions openly & honestly. It also sounds as if YOU still have not dealt with this 7 years later - what about your husband?

You might just tell her that you are unsure of what to tell her - that sometimes even Mommies & Daddies have problems dealing with death and dying. You could find a good psychologist or counselor for the 3 of you to go to. Be sure to let her know that these grandparents would have loved her very much and that you are sure they are at peace. You might just say that Grandpa became ill and hurt Grandma & himself and then they died. It might lead to a discussion of mental illness but she sounds like a bright child and even mental illness can be talked about with children.

Much luck to you.

Explain to her that sometimes when people are real sad they will hurt themselves and others. This is a sickness and very sad, it hurts daddy to know that this happened with his father and mother. Be sure and remind her that this was a sickness and very sad that this happened. And when this happened it made you and your husband and friends very sad but in a different way and you know that they are not hurting now and are watching her every day as she grows and one of these days when she gets married and has a baby of her own they will also be watching over her. like guardians.

When I was 10 a friend of mine explained that she lived with her aunt instead of her mommy because her other aunt stabbed her mom to death. This very much disturbed me (I was definitely not mature enough to hear that) and she clearly had a hard time with it as well.

I would tell her that they died at the same time in a tragic way and that you feel that it's not yet time to tell her all the details. You will reconsider it in the future.

Be prepared for her to ask how old she will be.

S., mom to 4 girls ages 3-7

At 7, she's too young to hear all the details. Since you have such an open and honest relationship, you could simply say that their deaths were very tragic and difficult to discuss with her *at this time*. If she presses for more information, tell her that you'll tell her when she's older. When she's old enough, both you and your husband will need to sit her down and explain it to her... Reassure her if she's concerned that the violence will continue.

This is a tough one because she is only 7, but you also cannot shield her from the world her entire life as well. Do you watch the news on TV? Does she watch it with you? If so, it might be a little easier to explain. I don't know the background on why your FIL did what he did. But, I would start by explaining that sometimes people aren't well and they get to where they believe certain things and see no way around them. Then explain carefully what happened. Tell her that it doesn't mean that granddad didn't love grandmother or that it would happen to you and your husband or her. Sometimes bad things just happen.

My son turned 8 this past May. I am a big news watcher and never thought anything about watching the news in front of him. That is how I was raised. I always have the news on in the AM while we are getting ready. This past year he started paying attention to the stories and asking questions. At initial instinct was that I should change the channel and not subject him to the "bad stuff". But then I decided, that no it was important for him to know that not everything in the world is hunky-dory. So, when he would ask questions, I would explain. The more I explained, the more he would ask. I think it is a great way to open up dialogue with your child.

This summer a boy in his school was killed while on vacation with his family because he stepped out into the street in front of everyone and got hit by a car. I still make him hold my hand while in parking lots and crossing streets, but recently he had begun to pull away. In an effort to explain what happened to this child because he was hearing about it from other students, and to impress upon him the importance of holding hands, i showed him the picture and obit. I then explained what an obit. was and what had happened to this child, his classmate.

I would not tell her the details yet. My daughter is also 7 and asks lots of questions and always wants to know about everything! In my opinion, there are just some things that are not appropriate for a childs mind. When she asks for details that I don't want to give her yet, I just tell her that it is "not appropriate" and she understands that. I tell her that when she is older, I will explain more to her. My mother committed suicide when I was 12, which was/is the hardest thing I have to endure in my life. My daughter asks how she died and I just tell her that my mom was sick, which she was.. I don't want her to have to worry about me or other family members doing something like that so I just don't think its time for her to know that yet.
I wish you the best!

I have a 6 year old daughter. I would not tell her the truth until she was a mature adult (or mature older teen). Do you really want her imagining that scene for years to come? Kids have vivid imaginations, and they don't really understand death all that well yet because they are concrete thinkers. I would say something close to the truth like "There was a terrible accident and they died". If she wants to know the details, just say that is something you will talk about when she is older. My daughter asks me millions of questions about everything all the time and I always want to tell her the truth, but there are some topics I think need to wait until she is mature enough to process them. Try to deflect by having your husband come up with happy memories of his parents or growing up, she probably just wants to know more about her grandparents. Good luck.

A.,
I see some wonderful answers here. I am inclined in the same direction as KansasMom (wonderful post) which was then agreed with by Donna C.
I too, tell my boys the answers to their questions "like it is." - To a degree.

My boys are 9 and 6, but the 6 year old only knows slightly fewer things than the 9 year old. They view themselves as peers. So, when answering the 9 year old's questions when both are present, I always temper the truth with what the 6 year old can process. Sometimes, I tell the 9 year old extra truths as an aside. My favorite example is the question of what makes womens' "boobs" need to be bigger than mens', which was followed quickly with "well, if a man DOES have big boobs, can he?....." Which led to: "no, he cannot because having the baby removed from mommy is what makes the milk know to arrive...."

I say all this to say - I sort of wing it. I always start out with a basic truth - I would never want to get "called" on something later and have to undo it. But, I start with something general, and feel my way through whatever questions follow.

I think a major thing that may be troubling your daughter is that she has a solid answer as to the cause of death for YOUR parents but the deaths of her father's parents remain a mystery. And we all know what kiddos can do with a mystery.

You could always go down the path, as was suggested, of "Well, Grandpa was very sick already. Grandma got hurt so badly that she couldn't recover from her injuries and then, so too, did he. We can be happy for them that neither had to stay here on earth without the other." (thereby avoiding making a statement about heaven, if the events trouble you in that fashion)

You've got a tough one, and it sent chills down my arms and legs to read, so, I know it's not easy. And I wish you well.

B.

Your first move should be to discuss it with your husband and decide together how much to tell her and who should do it. He may prefer to be the one to tell her since they were his parents. He may find it easier for you to. All you need to say is that grandpa was not thinking right and did a terrible thing. I would tell the truth, just as gentle a form of it as you can. Tell her how sad you and her dad are about it, and that you don't like to talk about it, but that you will answer her questions as best you can. You can give her more details when she's older if she wants them.
I'm so sorry you and your husband had to go through this.
It is much better for her to find out from you than some other source, and to receive the information in as kind a way as possible.

You have had some really good advice already! Child psychologists recommend NOT sharing the details of this ugly world with our children, as they are not small adults and not capable of emotionally processing such controversial subjects that you mention. Having such a trajedy happen to your family dictates that she will be exposed to this aspect of life earlier than recommended, around 10 - 12. She is growing up too wise in the ways of this world. Please shelter her from such grown-up topics until she is emotionally ready to process them. Life isn't all roses and candy, but as parents, but there is no benefit to a child to hear about such topics. Good luck to you and your family.