How to Tell Kids Grandpa Is Dying?

I just told my kids that grandpa is very sick and may not live much longer. There really isn't good a way to sugar coat it. Good luck.

My kids lost their Grandpa when they were 7 & 10 -- he was in his early 70s as well. We were honest with them about everything. They did not visit their Grandpa toward the end because it was not the way we wanted them to remember him by.

I'm so sorry this has happened but I am so glad you went to see him - good for him and for you.

I would talk to the kids together and also separately, given their age differences. I'd start out simply, and answer questions. Be very clear before you start on your religious beliefs (yours, Dad's, Grandma's) and do resist the urge to throw every comforting thing you can at them if you aren't sure that's what everyone believes. So, don't talk about heaven and paradise and "we'll all see each other again" if that's not what you believe or what your MIL believes, you know? And don't say "God decided to take Grandpa" if it's not what you believe - some kids get really freaked out that God will come and take them, or take you. Not everyone believes in a God who does that, so do answer that question in your own mind before you start. It's okay to say you don't know, it's okay to say that people believe different things, and then say, "What do you think?" It's okay to talk less and listen more.

I think it's important that the kids not think that they're going to get cancer or that others in the family will get it and die very quickly - do say that it's such a freak thing and the doctors are surprised at this rapid decline. Pretty much you can say what you said here. Say that it's important that you all went to see him, that it was a great comfort for Grandpa, that they will keep him pain-free, and that you will all stick together as a family.

And I think it's wise to be prepared for the fact that some kids just don't feel a ton of grief, especially ahead of time. So if they don't react or if they say, "Can I go play now?", it doesn't mean they don't love their grandfather. Everyone grieves differently.

If you are all going back for the funeral, do prep them for that (not in the same conversation, unless they ask). If there will be an open casket, it's important to prep them for that. Also let them know what sorts of things people say at funerals, and how they should respond to others.

Sending you strength.

I think a lot of it depends on your beliefs about death and what happens to us after we die. Have they already lost a loved one? Or gone to a funeral? What conversations have you already had?

We are Catholic and have had many conversations about Heaven. My husband lost 2 of his brothers (my poor MIL) before our sons were born, so they have known most of their lives that they have 2 uncles waiting for them in Heaven.

They've both asked us questions about death, and we've always told them that when people we love die it's very sad because we will miss them so much. But we will try to remember that they are ok because they are in Heaven.

I really have no idea what I would say, because I would probably be having a pretty rough time myself. I think I would tell them that Grandpa is having a really hard time and the doctors don't think he will get better. They are doing everything they can, but it looks like Grandpa might not be with us much longer.

I can't even begin to imagine how hard this must be for you. I think you are so on the mark to be honest and keep it simple. You might not have to say much at all. They might have questions and they might not. What's important is that they know they can talk to you and ask you questions.

Sending hugs as you face this really rough time ...

I'm so sorry.

In my experience kids are amazingly resilient and will follow your lead. If you are okay...they will be too.

Since there is no way to sugar coat this, I would just be honest and tell them their grandfather is very sick and may not be here with us much longer. If I were you, I would have two seperate conversations with the kids since there is such a big age difference and your 12 yo will have different questions than the 6 yo.

<<hugs>>

I think honesty is the best policy with this...

I'm sorry for what you're going through.

I'm very sorry for what your family is going through. I don't have any great answers for you, but I think your plan sounds good to keep it simple and answer any questions. Your 12 year old and 6 year old will process this differently due to their ages and maturation. Maybe you can call the school counselor for some steps to take or ways to deal with this. Prayers to you and yours!

Our son was 3 1/2 when his grampa died.
It was a sudden heart attack and no one expected it.
There was no preparation or discussion.
Just a phone call from the state police informing my husband his father had passed away.
My FIL had just got back from a trip to Atlanta and had been in New Zealand the week before that.

Our son was too young to understand.
I don't know if there is any best way to die.
Suddenly quickly or long drawn out wasting disease - it's tough on everybody.
Just say "We've had some bad news. Grampa is sick and we don't know how long he's got to live.".

My kids were 4 and 5 when I had to do the same thing. The conversation wasn't foreign to them because we had a dog that had died the year before. Talking about life and death was not that unusual in our home so the conversation wasn't difficult. I explained that he became sick and sometimes you can get healed and sometimes it's time to go to heaven like Tank (our dog). They were very young though so maybe that made it easier in some ways. I'm sorry for this diagnosis. It is such a difficult transition for everyone. Best of everything to you....

I lost my father to cancer also when my son was 6. I told him Grandpa was very sick and would likely die within the next 6 months (turned out to be 3). I did not use euphemisms like 'won't be with us much longer' because kids don't understand them. He saw his grandfather when he was first diagnosed and then several times in the hospital (we lived a 3 hour flight away and I didn't want to pull him out of school for months) but I did want him to spend time with him. I let him ask whatever questions he had and of course he went to the funeral with us.

Sorry this is happening. It's so horrible. I lost my father to Cancer when I was young. It can happen so quickly at the end - hard to process.

Wonderful your family was together with him when he was still doing o.k.That will be a great comfort to him also.

I think the 12 year old will be able to understand that he will pass soon, and you could just be quite honest with him - that he's not doing well and it won't be long. Then just listen. I'd answer his questions truthfully - but he may not have any. One of my boys at that age would likely have said nothing, just taken a while to absorb. My other boy that age would be full of questions. What I've found (we lost an older relative not that long ago) was if you said little but just gave them the opportunity to come to you - it worked better.

A 6 year old will likely just listen and may or may not get it. When mine were that age they didn't appear to care too much. But I found in the weeks following, they'd ask me about it when they went to bed for example.

I am not sure if I'd even tell the 6 year old that it's about to happen. They understand he's not well right? I'd probably wait and let them know when it happens. That's just me though. I wouldn't want my little ones to keep asking if it had happened yet.

Thoughts are with you

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. We experienced that with my MIL. She was only 62. Sounds like you have a sensitive and meaningful plan. My only suggestion would be to have somewhere physical that you can take them each year, on a special day, after he passes away. We have memorial stones in various places for each deceased grandparent, and go visit on their birthdays. We bring a small balloon, tell happy stories and look at pictures. It gives the kids (10 and 6) a positive memory. We believe in Heaven, so fwiw I think that helps. Sending positive thoughts your way.

We went through this with my mom. She passed in less than four months and was incredibly sick for all of it. From the moment we knew she was sick we told our kids she was sick and might not get better. Then when it was obvious the end was near, we talked honestly and openly that sometimes you get so sick you can't get better and you die. It sounded terribly abrupt but my kids seemed to receive the news with calmness and curiosity. They all wrestled with the idea of the finality of death and not being able to see their grandmother again. My husband and I didn't have long speeches. We kept the message simple and repeated it will some regularity. Then we answered all of the questions which came in over the following weeks as best we could. For the funeral I prepped them for how they might feel and how others might feel and also what to expect (tears, upset adults, etc.). We told them all of these feelings were normal and not to be scared or upset by the adults crying and so on.

We have had pets die and while that certainly helped my kids adjust to their grandmother's death, there were still some fairly unusual questions to come along. The funniest by far was why their grandmother got to go in the cemetery but not our dogs. My middle child in particular had some very specific questions about what happens to his grandmother's body and why she was being cremated and not buried and why she was leaving us when she clearly loved us and so on. At times as a grieving adult his questions could approach the morbid but we tried to answer him honestly and thoughtfully without judgment. We also fielded a large number of questions about whether we (mom and dad) could die and when that would happen and what that would mean to them (kids). We got these pointed questions from all of the kids but in particular the little ones (2 and 4 at the time). You could tell the kids were putting together in their minds the interplay of sickness, death, doctors being unable to fix everything and loss of those particularly close (mom, dad, siblings). Good luck and I am sorry your family is going through this.

I so hate cancer!

Your plan sounds good, but also remember that this your husband's dad. He will need lots of TLC too.

I'm so sorry, what an awful thing for you and your family. My boys lost one Grandpa when they were 2 and 5, of course the 5 year old processed it and the 2 year old really did not. It was really hard for him to understand that dead is gone forever. We're pretty agnostic, so we talked a lot (and continue to talk) about lots of different ideas...heaven, reincarnation, becoming one with the earth, all the possibles for after death. Both of my sons kind of took to the idea of reincarnation and talk about Grandpa being a bear in the woods or a fish in the lake in the mountains that he loved. We were up front with them- Grandpa is very sick and he won't get better. We will miss him and be very sad, or maybe even scared or angry, and that's OK. Losing someone comes with lots of big feelings. We don't know what happens after we die, but we know that we can remember Grandpa and keep him in our minds and hearts forever.

Be honest about what is going on. They can recall seeing grandpa a month ago full of lie and happy with everyone around. I hope you guys took a lot of pictures and videos at the time so you can make up books later.

Speak to your children together and separately about the situation. The older one might ask more in depth questions and be truthful if you know say so if you don't say so. Make it a let us find out together and answer that kind of thing. The little one might not understand for a year or two what happened. Answer his questions when he does ask as well.

Explain what happens at the funeral after you get the word of the passing and not until then. As another stated let them know about how adults respond with tears and emotions. If this is an open casket talk to them about that and how grandpa looks and feels if they touch him they may not want to. A cremation might be a memorial service with photos on the wall. Be honest and be there for the boys and hubby.

Also you need to take care of yourself and your husband as much as possible as this is going to be rough on him no matter what he says. Seek grief counseling groups for all ages if needed. No one has to be a rock at this time when you need someone to lean on.

I keep your family in my thoughts as I don't do candles as they cause fires. Keep the good thoughts in mind for everyone and enjoy these last days as much as possible in happiness. Your FIL is fighting the fight as best he can.

the other S.

PS In future you can plant a flower, a tree, a rose bush in memory of grandpa.

i would just be honest. my mother was. she informed me that Grandma was not doing well and it was looking like she may not be with us much longer. as hard as it was i understood what she meant and even though i was super sad i was not surprised by the news of her passing a short time later.

I am sorry for what you're going through, I went through this last year, with my own father. The doctor told us his cancer had no treatment because of his liver and the fact it had spread so much, so no treatment could be administered. My daughter came to visit my father in the hospital during the biopsy stages and shortly prior to diagnosis. I was lucky that this happened during the summer months when there was no school and I could leave her with family while I kept driving back and forth between work, the hospital, and my own home. I did not want my daughter seeing him when he was losing consciousness and wanted her to remember him as alert and active, so I shielded her from that and the ongoing grief and crying outbursts, by leaving her with family.

The doctor had originally told us he had 6 months to live, but he only lived 3 weeks after that. Mind you, after being discharged, one of those weeks he was at work, working from 9-5 like nothing had ever happened. He even drove himself to work. We still have a picture his secretary took of him during that week. We had no idea he would deteriorate so suddenly and that the 6 month prediction was way too generous. We took him home to my mother's, and that's where he stayed for those 2 weeks until he passed away. That was his wish, he did not want to die among strangers in a hospital.

The first few days he was at mom's, he was healthy enough to still talk to us and that was the last time my daughter saw him. I told her he was sick but did not tell her it was cancer until after he passed away and she asked what he died from. She did not want to come to the funeral, but we do go to the cemetery once a month, where his ashes lie, and she will voluntarily come with me every now and then during those times. I know all kids are different, but my child is very sensitive and on the anxious side already, so the last thing I wanted to do was burden her with the worry that at some point shortly, dad would die and he would not be around for Christmas.

Every child is different, and only you know how much your kids can handle. I would not lie and say everything is dandy, though. I think kids are a lot more perceptive than we think. My daughter said she knew my father was in serious condition when she saw him at home in a hospital bed, with a walker, a wheelchair, and an oxygen tank and mask by the bed. Your kids may also have picked up on that, the crying, and the anxiety of other family members as his condition deteriorates.