How to Tell Friend I'm Pregnant

I have had to do the same, with a friend who couldn't conceive. I know how hard it is. I just warned her before I told her. I said solemnly, "I have some news that might be bitter/sweet for you: I am pregnant again." Just be honest. You could say, "I've been dreading having to tell you this, but I am very happy about it and I want to share it with you...."

I've been on your friend's end... my husband and I tried for 4 years before resorting to IVF. I had MANY friends that got pregant for their first and second times before we we got pregnant. There was nothing worse than knowing I was making my friends tiptoe around me and feel like they couldn't share their joy with me. Sure, it made me sad because I couldn't feel that joy myself (and jealous too!), but I was still their friend and as their friend I was happy for them! I almost felt worse when they told me apologetically--I felt like they were pitying me, and I definitely didn't want/need that.

Just tell her like you would tell another one of your friends. Her face may show some mixed reaction, but that's understandable. Let her be happy for you; she'll feel worse if she finds out you didn't want to tell her because of what she's going through!

Good luck!

It sounds like you're already very aware of this, but just be cautious about when and how you tell her. My brother and SIL suffer from fertility issues and were very hurt when an old friend eagerly (and in almost a bragging fashion) told them about her pregnancy on Christmas Day. (I think maybe this "friendship" had other issues.) Would it be possible to wait until after the holidays to tell her? Congratulations on your pregnancy!

Edited to add: Hello again. What I meant to convey earlier, and I don't think I did very well is that grief about fertility struggles can intensify around the holidays. At least it did in my family. You have well-meaning but clueless relatives you may not have seen in a while asking questions and nieces and nephews running around and opening gifts. Many of the various holiday celebrations, whether Christmas, Hanukkah or whatever, focus on children. That's why I recommend waiting until afterwards if possible. When you do tell her just preface it with you know this news will be bittersweet for her, but you treasure her friendshhip and wanted to share it with her. Depending on how often you see or talk to her, she may have already figured it out. She may have noticed physical changes or changes in the way you talk to her or the frequency. Good luck!

Hi L.,

I am so glad to hear that you understand how hard this may be for her. I was in your friend's shoes for over 6 years while everyone around me seemed to have NO issues! I was very upset, jealous, and bitter when it was a woman that would complain about it or in my eyes was a bad parent to begin with.

*Tell her one-on-one so she can digest the information without worrying too much about what other's may see on her face. She will try to hide any pain she does feel, but at least it is with you....and you understand it.
*If you see the look of pain, address it if it feels right by simplying saying "I know you want this too and I feel terrible that it hasn't happened for you." Then drop it if she doesn't say any more.
*NEVER complain about your pregnancy symptoms around her. It can be a slap in the face to someone who wants it so badly.
*Keep her in the loop and be her best friend. I'm assuming she's been around you pregnant 3 other times.

My best friend let me be in the delivery room for her first 2. It allowed me to be a part of something I thought I'd never experience on my own.

Congratulations on your 4th blessing!

I just want to say that Jill F. Is sooo right. I also was unable to conceive for many years. Her advice is right on the mark!!
K. E

L.,

I've been on both sides of this issue! When I was the one with fertility issues, I was always so happy about people being pregnant, but it was always hard to hear about how "easily" they got pregnant and how crappy they feel while pregnant. I would avoid any topics like that. I've read all the other responses and you've gotten some great advice. When I did get pregnant, and had to tell a friend who is having fertility issues I talked to her one-on-one and told her that I know it's going to be difficult to hear but I wanted her to hear directly from me. Best of luck and remember that your friend will be happy for you, she may just have a tough time showing you.

Congrats!!!
A.

Congrats to you on your pregnancy!

I got pregnant not too long after someone close to me lost her infant daughter.

My suggestions for you are:
- You need to tell her, because it will hurt her more if she has to find out from someone else.
- Consider making her a special part of your child's life (such as Godmother).
- Like other people have said, be sensitive to her feelings. Even though she will be happy for you, expect that she will feel some sadness/jealousy regarding her own situation.

As yet another person with fertility issues, I ditto what both Jill F and Kate H had to say.

Hi

i know the feeling all to well. I have a friend thats had abortion she tried for yrs to get pregnant and it just wasn't happening for her. I have three children and Everytime i have gotten Peggy i always
feel guilty. I made her god mother and have always been a cheerleader in her corner. We are now expecting my fourth her first she is due in march. I talk to her about my feelings and she told me not to ever feel guilty for what god has giving us. She said some people get alot of blessings some inform of success, wealth and children either way no ones plan or path is the same.

seeing as how I was the friend with fertility problems I talk from experience. Tell her. If she is a true friend she'll be happy for you even if just to your face at first. She'll do her crying alone or with her husband. There was only 2 times I wasn't happy but those were for a very different reason and actually the only time I cried. Just because I was having problems I didn't want my friends to feel bad. We can always envy someone for what they have and we don't but true friends are happy for our friends.

Good luck and congratulations on your good news.

Start by saying that you want to share some news with her, but are afraid to do so because of her fertility issues. Let the conversation flow from her reponse. Let her discuss the pain of her fertility issues with you, and ask her if there is anything you can do to make it easier. If it is ok with her doctor, she might want to try DHEA 25 mg three times a day. Hanging around a pregnant woman might actually increase her fertility chances also! But if she says it is too upsetting to be around you for a while, respect that too.

Just tell her. She will be hurt that you kept it from her. My sister has fertility issues too and I have 4 children. She was happy for me each time I was pregnant, but was sad because she wanted to be. She would be really hurt if I hadn't told her.

As a person who has struggled with fertility issues (tried for 4yrs, 8 IUI's, 3 IVF's) while all of my friends were getting pregnant, I know exactly how your friend is feeling. Just tell her like you would anyone else. She'll feel sorry for herself anyways so there's no way to get around it. She'll be sad for herself, happy for you of course. Just don't be sad if she's not bubbling with joy like everyone else may be. It's a very hard thing to go through. She won't want to be left out though. Take her out for lunch & tell her you know what a difficult time she's having but still wanted to include her in your wonderful news.

Good luck!

P.

I've been on both sides... My husband and I struggled with infertility for four years and were finally lucky enough to end up with twins. During those four years, I found the way I preferred to be told by a friend that she was pregnant was via email. That way I could react the way I felt (really sad) without having to hide it. I could get over it privately and then talk to her and be excited with her without her having to see my initial reaction. Then, 18 months after my twins were born, I unexpectely got pregnant. My SIL and BIL were struggling with infertility at the time. I actually told them in person but prefaced it with something like, "I have to tell you something but I don't expect you to be happy or excited right away but want you to hear it from me..." I felt I was giving them the opportunity to have a true reaction without feeling it would hurt me if they were sad instead of happy. No matter how you handle it, the fact that you're even thinking about it and asking for suggestions, tells me you're a thoughtful and caring person so I'm sure it will go fine. Good luck and congratulations!! :-)