I realize that she's just trying to be helpful... but she's honestly making me feel worse.
Back in January I found out that I was expecting twins. Unfortunately, I miscarried both of them shortly after finding out. I was devastated, but my husband was very supportive and I HAD to stay on top of things to keep care of our DD. I have worked through most of my grief, but of course I'm nowhere near 'over it' yet. (I doubt I ever will be, but I find it more productive to focus on the beautiful daugher that I have now than on what I lost...)
I have a friend though, who WILL NOT drop it! She is constantly asking me 'how I'm doing' and 'am I holding up ok?' She keeps posting those 'touching' quote/photos on facebook about angel babies, and parents who have lost children with messages like "This is for you, J".
I don't know how to politely ask her to drop it. I almost feel like she is enjoying vicarious grief through my pain... (Like, Oh, my friend had a misscarrage, isn't that so sad?) She just keeps pulling the whole ordeal front and center, when I am trying to get on with my life. I know she isn't meaning to hurt me, but she is. Any ideas on how I can get her to back off without coming across as snatchy?
I'd write her an email something to this effect..
"Dear Jane,
Thank you for being there for me during my difficult time. Bob and I have come a long way and are healing, but we find it is more difficult to heal when we have constant reminders of our loss. We would be very appreciative if you would not make mention of the miscarriages any longer.
Thank you for your love and understanding.
Love,
Betty"
She is not being supportive to you. She is feeding her own addiction to drama.
Maybe you can tell her that you appreciate her kind words, but that for you to be able to move forward, you would like her to just stop talking about it. If she continues to bring it up, feel free to tell her that you are disappointed that she is not being supportive of your wishes and that her "words of encouragement" have now become hurtful.
Sorry for your losses.
Just tell her you appreciate her concern, but that her brining it up and making little posts on fb constantly only makes it harder on you, it makes you think about what you have been through on days that you are actually having a "back to normal" day explain to her if you do feel the need to talk you will be sure to lean on her (just through that in to seem more sincere and not come across snatchy) If she is a true friend she should understand and accept this, Good luck to you!
I am sorry for your loss.
How about a phone call? Let her know that while you've appreciated the support, you're at the point where the most helpful thing she could do is not talk about it anymore.
I would keep it simple. If she tries to say what about this or what about that...I would repeat the same phrase, "Please respect my wishes. Please don't bring it up anymore."
I hope that does the trick.
Good luck!
J.,
I'm so sorry for your loss, my heart goes out to you. I also lost twins, they were stillborn. I did what you are doing and focused on the daughter I had, not the loss I'd experienced, yet the loss remains with me still.
Simply share with your friend what you have said here. Ask her to please stop asking how you are or if you're OK, and to stop the touching angel baby FB posts and mentioning they are for you. (FYI, you can hide her posts without unfriending or blocking her.) Tell her that it is difficult to move forward in your life when she is putting your loss front and center.
And if you come of as "snatchy," so what? ; )
{{HUGS}}
I would do just that, tell her I've been processing my grief and in order to keep doing that, I'm asking everyone to not bring it up. If she presses you, repeat, repeat, repeat. Also, I would distance myself from her some if she doesn't comply. This would give you some breathing room and maybe send her a message.
I'm sorry for your loss. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I have one "friend" who brings up the fact that we did IVF every. single. time. I see her - not that's it's very often. We did that over FIVE years ago. Really, it is her problem and her need to feed on the negative. I don't see her much. I don't need that and neither do you. Take care of you. Hugs.
Husband and I really appreciate all your well wishes, but it's also a painful reminder that we want to get past. Thank you, though, for all the touching sentiments. They helped us get through a tough time.
Just explain to her that although you will never forget the ones you lost, and you really appreciate her support, you feel like it's time to try to put this behind you and move forward and that it's very difficult to do that when she keeps bringing it up like it was yesterday. Tell her you are grateful for her support and her friendship and now the two of you need to move your friendship forward.
geez.
i'd give one nice 'you are so sweet. i'm finding it's better for me to work through my grief privately. thank you for your kind thoughts, but let's let it drop, shall we?'
if she doesn't take the hint (not even a hint, that's very plain) then i'd do one very cool 'i'd appreciate it if you would not bring this up any more' and then cut her off if she persists.
if she really is just being supportive, she'll back off after the first conversation. if she gets snotty or won't quit, you'll know that the issue is her own desire to get attention through her 'concern' and frankly you don't need to be there for HER, do you?
khairete
S.
