How to Speak to a 9-Year-old About Addiction

Chances are, she knows more than you are giving her credit for. Talk about addiction as a chronic disease. It is something he will battle for the rest of his life. She can hate the disease without hating the man. It is also a good time to discuss the repercussions of addition on a family and why she should avoid drugs (and alcohol).

i'm so glad you want to discuss this with her. kids KNOW, and avoiding discussion creates inappropriate levels of fear and shame and self-blame.
is she asking you questions? if so, answer them honestly and simply.
i'll bet her awesome therapist can give you some tools too.
good luck!
khairete
S.

Ok, here's my take:

Not all crappy parents are addicts.

And not all addicts are crappy parents.

Not sure why you make this about his drug problem. He's a sucky dad, doesn't really matter why.

Either way, it is what it is. It is NOT a reflection on her, nor is it a reflection on YOU.

You should neither stick up for him nor bad mouth him. She has eyes and ears and a heart of her own.

She will be ok. YOU will be ok.

I am not sure why you "do everything you can to foster that relationship". It is not a thing within your control. Sorry.

I have explained things to my own daughter, who was 9 when we split. Look, he loves you as best he can. This is who he is.

Over the years (she's almost 17 now) it actually became something of a standing joke. We all know perfectly well that when Dad says he's gonna pick them up at noon, the chances of that actually happening is about 50/50. They'd rather be home anyway.

Again, this is who he is, I cannot change him to suit their needs.

Keep a sense of humor, and keep her very close to you.

:)

Allow her to react to it in her own way, and then talk about it.

My mom was not an addict but suffered from an unidentified mental illness. The hardest part was I felt that if I were a better child she would love me. Didn't help that her particular malady compelled her to tell me if I were a better child she would love me. :(

I am not sure but I think it would have been helpful when I was a child if I had known something was wrong with her. That she had no control over her thoughts at times, that she really did love me but her illness caused it to get all twisted and ugly.

I don't think that would have undermined my mom, just would have given me a perspective where I could understand it isn't my fault. I think that is the hardest thing for children regardless of what issues their parents put them through, believing it isn't their fault.

I don't think you should be so hesitant to talk about addiction. Schools talk about drugs and how bad drugs are all the time. My 2nd grader has been to anti-drug programs at school.

So, the idea that drugs are bad and addictive is not new to her.

I think that you should address this with her straight-up. Once someone starts using drugs, it is very very hard to stop. Your dad has this problem. He started using them, sometimes he tries to stop, but he hasn't been able to. And when he's using drugs, he doesn't act like himself and he hurts even people that he loves. But, it has nothing to do with you.

And, you may also want to use it in a teachable way. See how your dad acts. You never want to hurt other people the way he sometimes hurts you. So this is why you never ever want to try using drugs.

I know my sister has had a similar conversation with my 10 year old niece about drugs, addiction, and the consequences after there was a news story on TV about someone famous dying of an OD. No one in our family is an addict, but it's still a necessary conversation to have with kids, and they are old enough to understand the basics.

She already knows that Daddy had a drug problem. It is perfectly ok for you to tell her that Daddy still has a drug problem. If he is in treatment, it is fine for you to tell her that he is seeing a doctor to help him stop. If he refuses treatment, it is fine for you to tell her that there are doctors who can help Daddy, but he isn't seeing one, and that sometimes it takes a while before people are ready to get better. Just like sometimes she can be really sick, but resist going to the doctor, even though she knows it will make her feel better.

There are support groups for kids of addicts. Contact your local alanon group they will have the info. Your police dept might be a resource as well.

I think you have to take the "choice" part out of the talk. Kids hear the word "choice" and they think dad chooses to do drugs every day and chooses it over them.

The truth is that once their body is addicted they lose almost all ability to choose.The part of their brain that feels joy, love, happiness, is effected and to feel those things they have to use the drugs or they feel like a drone.

So tell her that once upon a time dad got in with the wrong crowd, he made some bad choices and his body got addicted to drugs. His body screams for the drugs when he tries to stop using them and he fights and fights and fights but he eventually gets so tired of trying to stop then he gives in and uses them again.

He doesn't want to be an addict, he wants to be normal but he just doesn't know how anymore.

Tell her that he does love her and she should have compassion for him but not help him be addicted by ever giving him money or items he can sell. Because he'll likely use money to buy more drugs.

If he is ever able to go he needs to find a facility that is long term so he can live there for an extended time. Then he will learn all new coping skills and gain strength to be able to say no every day. He'll want to use drugs every day for the rest of his life, drugs are like that. Only getting off them and learning new skills will save his life and allow him to grow into a person she can be proud of.

I udnerstand so well. My father was an alocholic who was raretly around - even after he went on the wagon - he became addicted to meetings and sleeping around!

But as a child this is what I would have needed to know - not in any particular order:
- just like having diabetes, cancer or strep throat some people have an ilness that impacts their emotions and mind. There are many types of mental health problems - some are very serious and harmful and others are less harmful. And jsut like when you get a cold - sometimes it's not so bad and other times you're really miserable. That's how mentla health problems can be. So your dad has a mental health issue - we're not sure waht kind, but in order to deal with it he "medicates" himself with drugs.
- You dad loves you very much - his heart breaks when he's off drugs becuase he realizes how much of your amazing life he's missing and how much it hurts you. that's when he's not using drugs.
- the need to take drugs, and make himself feel better, becauses of his mental health sickness is very strong. Some people have a very strong ability to resist taking drugs or drinking alcohol - other people don't. We don't know why. But I know that if he could stop taking drugs and be a good dad to you he would do it. ANd many times he stops taking drugs and he tries. Most of the time he doesn't do it well - but he does try.
- What you need to know most is that your dad loves you.
- I am so sorry for the times that he disappoints you and doesn't come through when he says he's going to. i know your heart hurts when that happens - and I will always have time to hold you in my arms and hug and kiss and love you when you feel sad.

It's tough for kids becuase they think that their fahter's dont love them. Then they think no one else will ever love them if their own dad didn't. They're lies that need to be confronted.

I hope your daughter has a grandfather or uncle who really loves her and spends time with her - kids need a dad- figure too if possible. (Although I do know many lovely people who didn't grow up with a dad.)

argggh... posted a reply last night, forgot to press send. it's gone.

But I found this online today:

BlogHer: My father is an addict by Akathe Wife
http://www.blogher.com/my-story-7

I go to Alanon, but they have Alateen. your daughter is too young in that you have to be 12 to attend, unless you get approval from the group..
however......... they have LOTS of pamplets to read and how to talk to a young person about addiction.. check online and see where there is a meeting and you can get some pamplets for free, they are very helpful..
also, go online to AA website and their bookstore and they have all kinds of books that are helpful too..
12 is a great organization..

good luck

By that age they should have already talked about drugs in school so she will probably understand more than you think. If you feel you need her therapist help to talk to her then use her to help guide you in that area.

Addiction, so many explanations.

I would probably start with...addiction is an illness that some people have and some don't. Much like any other illness (take your pick) that people have no control over. Some illness is cured with medication and in dad's case, medication or drinking make him ill. Some people choose not to take medication, just like some addicts choose to still use and in both cases it makes them a little different. If she is still willing to talk, I would explain that neither makes them a bad person and we don't love them any less. The ideal thing would be for dad to just not use, but that is decision that dad has to make and he will do it when he is ready.

I would stop any time it becomes too much for her.

I just looked and it looks like Al Anon has family groups. Maybe this will help her. In talking to my husband, you have to try several groups until you find the group that works for you. I am not much of a group person, so I can't get much out of that stuff.

Best wishes.

I think it could help if you consult with a professional about this specifically. Do you drink coffee or soda? It might help to compare it to a caffeine addiction.

In basic terms, I think you could tell her that when people use drugs, their bodies become addicted. That means their bodies tell them they have to have it to make it through the day. Without it, their bodies can feel very sick for a few days, so it makes them want to keep taking the drugs to avoid the bad symptoms and feelings of sickness. Even if they know the drugs are not healthy, they cannot stop using them. Then, go on to tell her that drugs make people say or do things that they might not really mean because they change the way your brain thinks and acts. Remind her of how much her father loves her and how he wants to be there for her when he can, but that sometimes the drugs make him do things that he might not know how to control.

Please note, this is not a situation I have been in, but I think this is how I would explain it to my kids if they ever asked.

I second the suggestion of peer support groups. Talk to her counselor-my kids counselors have always had great suggestions for what is/isn't age appropriate(this was a private conversation without the kiddos).
Check for other resources in your area-or ask tge therapist for some. I found this awesome program called celebration camp. It was a three week Saturday camp for three hours. The volunteers were all trained and they talked to the kids about addiction, behavior(bullying), etc. Etc.
Theyve been twice-and the lady that runs it told me many of the kids from the teen group have been attending since they were little (it's 5&up).

Bravo to you for dealing with this and not slipping into denial. Also bravo for supporting her seeing a therapist.

Is the therapist certified in addictions? Makes a big difference. A therapist certified in addictions will provide your daughter with the appropriate education/knowledge she needs about addictions. She can continue to see the first therapist also. The two therapists will work together. She may just meet with the addictions therapist a short while. Or maybe help find a group specifically for this

Try: social workers.org. Click on Resources at the top, then click on Find a Social Worker. It will help you find a licensed therapist certified in addictions.

You can also try books by Claudia Black. She is an adult child of an addict and has written some books for children.

You can also call an Alcoholics Anonymous chapter house in your area. You will most likely talk to a person who is in recovery. This person can help you locate an alateen, or alanon meeting that would be appropriate for your situation.