How to Reward Straight a Kids, W/out Hurting Other Siblings' Egos

If you reward them all for the things that they do, then this is just another thing. For heavens' sake, reward them! You are fair about other things, so why not this? Good job, by the way! :-)

From personal experience, 4.0 is its own reward. Remember the adage: treat all the kids the same way. In other words, reqard them not for their perfect grades but for their perse-verance and personal achievements. All who try should be rewarded even if they get a C. Remember to tell ALL of them how proud you are of their accomplishments.

Well, you definitely want to celebrate their success and you shouldn't mitigate their hard work so the other kids don't feel bad. In the real world, effort and productivity get rewarded. But my biggest advice would be to focus on the efforts of your children and not the results. So if your 2 kids that recieved all As worked harder for those grades, then celebrate that. But if your children who didn't earn all As put forth just as much effort, then reward and recognize that just as much so they don't feel like their best is inadequate. As for the all As kids, really encourage the effort and discipline that went into those grades, so you're encouraging the behavior as opposed to solely recognizing what they achieved. And maybe if some of your kids really didn't put forth as much effort into grades, make a point of recognizing something else they work real hard at, like always be willing to help you out or treating others kindly. You want to focus your praise on character more than something beyond your child's control such as good looks (or intelligence or athleticism). So just make sure the emphasis is on what really matters and what really is within their control--their hard work. You just want to be careful to make sure that they realize that you'll be proud of them if they try their hardest, regardless of what their grades are. This is coming from a person who never earned anything but As my whole life, including in college. My parents never put any pressure on me or rewarded me whatsoever, but were sure to admire and recognize my discipline. And while they also admired my natural smarts, they made sure to place the emphasis on how hard I worked. I loved the sense of accomplishment I felt and I knew that I was earning these grades for me, not for them.

Also, I would make sure to explain how putting forth this type of effort and the maintaining their grades will help them in the real world, because when it comes down to it they are the one who benefit from good grades, so draw that correlation. Doing well in school will effect their future very positively, and that's the true reward.

I would suggest rewarding EACH of your children in a special way. Take the two that got straight A's out for the day and spend quality time with them. Find something to praise the other children for because even though they didn't get straight A's they probably tried really hard this year in school and their efforts should not go unnoticed. I am not saying that you should go spend a $100 each, just let them know you are proud of them. Take them all out for ice cream and while you sit at the table, go around and let each individual child know that you are proud of them and why! Also have each child say something about the others (ie. "You are really good in math, Joanne" or "Even though you didn't get an "A" in Reading this year, I love it when you read to me etc. etc.) and use it as a family bonding time. There is nothing more rewarding than knowing that your family loves you and is proud of you.

This will be a surprise to you, as it is kind of "counter culture". However, I feel prompted to share it. You might want to read "Punished By Rewards: The Trouble with Gold Stars, Incentive Plans, A's, Praise, and Other Bribes" (Paperback)
by Alfie Kohn. It is an eye-opener.

Somewhere we have lost the concept that our "reward" is the sense of accomplishment we feel when we have done our best. This is a great "reward" in itself, but we are losing sight of it. Please, do not only your children but the whole country a favor, read the book.

I only have one child, but I think that a child's number one priority (job) is their schoolwork and that they should be compensated for doing a good job. After all, how would you feel about working hard every day at your job and never getting a paycheck?

We have always paid our daughter fifty cents for every paper/test/quiz on which she got 100%. We have even boosted this to $1 for reading and math, because she tend to try to rush through these subjects and makes careless errors.

Her school has 6 6-week grading periods rather than 4 9-week periods. When report cards come, she is paid $2.00 for every A or O (outstanding--like for penmanship, citizenship, etc) and nothing for any lesser grades. Each C grade will cancel out her wages for one A.

On the second report card, she is paid $3 for every A she has maintained, and $2 for every new A. Through the rest of the year, each maintained A is worth $1 more on the next report card, so that by the 6th report card, an A/O that has been maintained all year is worth $7. I think this helps maintain her momentum and counter-acts the end-of-the-year spring fever.

Perhaps this will help with your kids, because they would all have the same opportunity to be compensated. Some people think this is bribery, but I think kids should be rewarded for a job well done.

Hi A.,

My kids love Chuckie Cheese's and they give free tokens for good grades. Take all of the kids report cards and let them get their free token for their grades, they give up to 15 to each child according to the grades. Also if you go online to their website you can get some great coupons. It is a very reasonable way to reward your kids.

D.

I recommend rewarding them now and coming up with future goals of what each child can work toward such as a goal to get something they want. This way all kids have the opportunity to improve and get rewarded.

My parents gave us $5 for every A and $2 for every B. We didn't get allowance so if we wanted money we had to earn it by doing well in school. After all, school was my "job" so if I worked hard and did well at my job I earned a "bonus" at the end of the semester. I think rewarding them this way shows that hard work pays off. It made me want to put in the extra effort to get help from teachers if I didn't understand something...and I became the valedictorian of my high school...

I think praising them when they do well on stuff is the right way to go, but getting A's deserves a special reward because they worked hard. If you are praising them for all the little things they do, even if they don't get A's, their egos should be fine.

As long as they all passed to the next grade level, I'd reward them all. We go out for ice cream all together to celebrate report cards, rather then grade point average. Now obviously, if one of them is just barely got by and put up a huge fight about it or something, that's one thing. But otherwise they all probably did their best, even if it's not straight A's. Each child is different - one of mine is quite advanced and one of them is very delayed, but we're not going to not-reward our slower little guy for not reaching the top, just as long as he does his personal best.

Okay, I'll be on the other side of the fence from most of you. I usually got straight A's and my parents were very proud of me, but we never got paid for grades. I think studying and achieving in school should be encouraged for how it makes a child feel - proud, accomplished, challenged, confident - and not for a specific monetary reward. My parents grew up in families where money was very, very tight and you don't get paid for doing your best or chores around the house... that is expected of you.

However, I do think straight As are special and should be "clebrated" but not paid for. I'd probably think about taking the family out for meal, movie, day at a water park, etc. to celebrate. Maybe the A students get to pick the outing? Make an effort to tell everyone how proud you are, what a good job everyone did, how trying your best is so important... and because Bob and Kim made all As, they get to pick the dinner, activity, etc. This way, everyone enjoys the celebration, everyone is rewarded, but there is a special reward for straight As.

Also, you could incorporate a policy that every child who gets equal or better on their next report card gets something. Whatever you think is appropriate for that child. A shopping afternoon and pedicure for a teen, a new coveted toy for the little one, DVD/CDs someone's been wanting, etc. Or how about a gift card at a book store (like Barnes & Noble) where they can choose new books, movies or music. You can vary the amount by the age of the child and by grades. And, if you all went to B&N together to spend the cards, you could also have a family lunch at the same time.

I just don't like the idea of cash, as if you're paying them rather than celebrating and rewarding.

I have 4 children ages 14, 13, 7, 4. I homeschool them and will reward them for their accomplishments. Their accomplishments vary because of their age but they all get awards. Reward your other children too for other things they do that sets them apart. Maybe they worked hard in a class or completed a project. Maybe they are helpers in the kitchen or show kindness in a special way. Grades aren't the only thing deserving of rewards...Be creative and have fun with them all. If you want to take them out one at a time, find something special about each one...Good luck and have fun! You are doing a great job!

We reward good grades with Money, and bad grades by them oweing us money. A=$5, B=$2,C=$0,D= -$3, F= -$10. the thought here, is similar to the real world. You work hard you get a bonus, you get nothing extra for doing what is expected of you, and you are on probabtion or loose your job if you don't fail to do your job.

We don't beleive in providing special time for grades because we don't want our kids to feel that grades is the only way to get to spend time with us alone. We try to do this at least 1 time per month per child so that it keeps the line of communication open and so that they each know that they are special to us.

When I was in school, I always excelled over my siblings, of which there are 4! My Parents always rewarded me for my efforts! And in doing so, incorporated everyone into it! Usually we would go out to eat and my Parents would take one of everyone's best grades and give us a little gift! The gift was given for "effort" and not for the grade itself! I was never compared to them, my Parents never said "well your Sister got straight A's" etc. Reward everyone! Just make the reward a little better for the better grades!

I agree with giving money for each A and B that is earned. Then give the two that received straight A's a flat $100 or whatever amount you see fair, and let them choose where they would like to go to spend it. Money is a motivator and even though the other's will receive some cash; they will hopefully see that the bigger reward is worth the extra effort.

what a great analogy to compare kid's schoolwork to your work as a stay at home mom. we do good work because it benefits the family and society and we have pride in a job well done not because we are paid or rewarded. in fact, many studies suggest that rewards can undermine those lessons and will in the end create children who only work when they can reap a reward. i'm currently reading a good book on the topic, 'Punished by Rewards: The Trouble with Gold Stars, Incentive Plans, A's, Praise, and Other Bribes' by Alfie Kohn. well done!

Take each child who got the great report card out on their own for a special treat of their choice. Don't try to hide it from the other kids so that they know if they do the same they will get a similar reward. My parents used to pay me (and my sibs) when we got excellent grades, but it didn't motivate me to keep getting them. My husband and I were too financially strapped all the time to ever reward our excellent students with money so we would praise them for good grades and give them a treat or special allowance to do something like play their video games. But most importantly, my sons were being taught that their grades are what will reward them by getting them scholarship money for college. Both my older sons have attended the U of A on full academic scholarships and I want the same for my current middle schooler so our focus is on the fact that the grades reward the earner on their own - it has been much more motivating than how my parents did it because my kids value their education instead of taking it for granted and know that only they are responsible for their grades.

I myself would take all the kids out to celebrate. Maybe celebrate the straight A's for those two that got them and something else that the others did that was special and deserves a treat for them. Celebrations should be a family event at any rate. That way the others will not feel resentment and they will feel they have also done something that deserves celebration as well and so they won't be hurt by being left out.

A.,

I don't think that rewarding your children for something spectacular (and 4.0 IS awesome)is something that should upset your other kids. Of course, I don't know their personalities, so maybe I don't know what I'm talking about. I have 4 kids myself, and I won't kid you - sometimes they get competitive and wonder why one kid gets special treatment this time and another gets special treatment another time. But communication is key. Explaining to the others that getting straight A's is a big deal will help. Letting them know that when (not if, but when- they need to know you believe in them) they get straight A's they will get a special treat too might help by giving them a goal to work towards.
If you want your kids to understand how important it is to you that they get good grades, this is one way to prove it.

If your other children struggle with their grades (we have one like that), then focus your attention on improvement for that child. Whenever our daughter has pulled her grade up, she has been recognized and rewarded, even if it's just something small like an ice cream or something - just so she knows we noticed and are pleased with her progress. She's definitely smart enough, but spends her class time socializing instead of working. If she ever manages to get more mature with her education, she'll probably be a straight A student. When that happens, you can be sure we will be making a HUGE deal of it!

Although I'm sure the other children have things that they do that are worthy of recognition (and I think you shouldn't overlook those things of course), I do believe that one of the problems we have in society these days is the 'everyone's a winner' attitude. When kids get exactly the same recognition for NOT exactly the same effort or results, it gives them less reason to shoot for being the best they can be. Why put in the effort if they'll be rewarded anyway, right?

My parents rewarded us with money for our grades. I was not one of the kids that got rewarded though, until....One year my parents decided to pay us each 20 for an A, 10 for a B, and 5 for a C...if we got a D we had to pay them $5, and an F was $20. I saw how much my older brother and sister made one time off their card, and that was my motivator to do better! From that time on, I worked as hard as I could to make good grades, because I wanted the money!

I totally am for rewarding, and totally agree with you continuing the praising of the other children, but I know for me it helped me to see what my older siblings were getting for trying so hard in school.

Good luck!

Our culture's obsession with praise for kids has a dark side. I feel intrinsic motivation is so much more important than the praise that comes from anyone else. I'd feel (if I were in your shoes) like asking your straight A kids if they feel proud of their accomplishment (maybe it's not to them...are grades inflated at that school/class/grade level? Some kids are pretty aware of such things) or if they feel uncomfortable if you draw attention to this for any other reason. Sometimes peers look down on things that make kids exceptional...causing kids to hide their differences (even ones we view as positive) The same dynamic is not always true with siblings.
Maybe your kids do not need the good grades to be a big deal. If they are already self-motivating and maturing at a reasonable rate...leave good enough alone. See professional writing about encouraging intrinsic motivation...it goes so much farther than external motivators. (Material or praise/recognition.) There are many times in life, when we should get a reward but no one else will see it at all...we will have to be able to reward ourselves.

I think you are right on. The kids who are doing well deserve to be praised for how well they are doing, as do the others. I have a son with ADD, who is always behind and has trouble in school and a daughter who breezes through school easily. We may spend a little more time with our son, helping with homework and such, but we praise them both for their INDIVIDUAL accomplishments. I do not believe in the socialist views of having everything equal for kids in school. I believe that kids should learn that there are some who excel at certain things and some who don't. It's all about finding what YOU excel at and making the most of it.

J.
www.livetotalwellness.com/janislanz

A. as a parent, teacher, and sister. If you single out the two with A's it can start a resentment from the other siblings. There are many children that do their best and still can't get A's.
My parents always gave my sister presents for her A's, once we hit our teen years she thought it was great to rub it in that she got A's. I occasionally received A's but mostly received B's and not from lack of trying. It made me feel as if I was a disappointment to my parents. So I guess all I am saying is try to take into consideration how your other children will feel, if they are doing their best work.