How to Let Her down Kindly.

Be honest and straight forward and tell her 'this trip is for the cousins to have time together to play and bond. Its important for them to develop that relationship. I was thinking that you could plan on a visit in April or May so that you can have my children's undivided attention.'

well, first off just know that it's going to upset her and there's no way around it, so i appreciate you wanting to be kind about it and you should, but stiffen your resolve because it'll go down hard no matter how you word it.
i absolutely agree that you should take this trip without her. good for you! you've been a trooper to include her in past trips. i assume that you're not ruling out any future trips with her, right? just want to enjoy this one without her grating on you?
if that's the case, then you can use the two-goods-and-a-bad technique. 'mom, grand canyon was a blast (remind her that she's accompanied you on great adventures before) and we were thinking it might be time to start planning a trip to the black hills (dangle a future prospect in front of her.) this one's not an option, though, dorie and i are planning our trip around celebrating our relationship and having our kids strengthen their connection to each other. yeah, i get it that you would like that too, but not this time, mom. let's talk about your upcoming visit and plan some stuff for that.'
don't let her elevate any heat in the conversation. just patiently and kindly and in a low-key manner keep redirecting the conversation back to your visit. don't let her draw you into excuses, because those can always be individually shot down.
you are sweet to continue to include her as often as you do.
khairete
S.

I was watching a Daniel Tiger Neighborhood the other day (my little one had it on). At first I chuckled because Daniel had to learn that it's ok if his friends say "I don't want to play today" or "I'm playing with my brother today - I just want to play with him".

Then I thought - you know what? So many of us have a hard time just saying that. So maybe it's good they are teaching kids this early.

I would just say that you just want to go with your stepsister and family.

There is nothing wrong with that.

Daniel didn't even really say sorry. I know this sounds simplistic, but it's nothing personal against your mom. You don't have to explain. This is a trip you're taking with someone else.

My MIL is very similar so I get it. My MIL has shown up at our family vacations without asking us. Just appeared on our beach. So I get it.

Good luck and let us know how it goes :)

"Mom, we've been invited to spend time with my stetp-sister and her family. We can make a plan for you to come visit us another time." This will be your go-to line. I would not engage in discussions about this because if you do, she'll get the idea that it's still up for debate if she can just persuade you or otherwise wear you down.

At some point, if she persists, you'll have to be prepared to say a very firm, nonnegotiable "NO" and then refuse to engage in any further conversation about it.

It may sound cold to some, but that is how you have to deal with demanding, over-bearing, self-absorbed people who want to control you. You have to have greater resolve and make "NO" your final answer. Then, be done with it. Shed the guilt and realize it is not your place to be your mom's sole source of entertainment and socialization in life.

Even if your mom were the greatest gal on earth (and clearly, she's not), you are under no obligation to bring her with you on every family vacation.

It's not your responsibility, nor is it possible to make other people happy. We are all responsible for our own happiness. It's sad for people like this, who seem to have no insight into why others don't want to be around them, but it's not your responsibility to fix that. Whether she ever chooses to accept this is solely on her.

Good luck, stay strong, and enjoy a peaceful spring break vacation!

I really like what Margie G wrote. Tell her not this time. I actually think you should not try to find a new time as a way to 'make-up' for this as if you are dong something against her and now owe her. Also, try not to say sorry, because you are not doing anything wrong.

I also like Suz t response that explains you want to bond with your step-sis.

Does your mom invite you to do anything or are you always thinking up the plans?

I think you need to tell her NO soon. She may assume she is invited and act shocked that you decided not to take her at the last minute. Use the words like "Please accept my no." if she is pushy and gives guilt trips.

edit: Try not to put this on your step-sis. I have relatives that sound like your mom and they LOVE making the other person (not their child) the bad guy. My cousin-in-law is always the bad guy, because my aunt thinks her son can do no wrong. Not that he is a bad guy, but it is always the daughter-in-laws fault if she is not included and never her son. I hope this makes sense.

Just be honest with her.

"Mom we are spending time with stepsis and her family, we will plan something else with you another time". You could spin it that she would have more time with the grandchildren when there aren't others joining you.

It's OK to be blunt and that doesn't mean you're being rude or nasty.

I think your mom and my mom might just be sisters separated at birth. :-) All this sounds familiar to me. I think Suz T., Margie G,. and Diane D. all have good approaches. (I love the Daniel Tiger reference.)

Keep in mind, though, that she will be disappointed no matter how you frame this, and her disappointment is NOT your responsibility. Be kind, but be firm, and don't feel the need to apologize. She is the one overstepping by trying to invite herself, even if her reasons for doing so are ones you feel sympathy for. You need time to bond with and enjoy the company of other family members without her in the middle. Don't let her pile her own bad feelings on you. Her emotional life is not your job.

Good luck. I know the conversation won't be a comfortable one, but it's a necessary one, and it needs to happen soon (today, if possible). The longer you wait, the more likely it is that she will get it into her head that she is being "uninvited" instead of simply being told that her inviting herself is not okay.

I'd be ready with plans for another trip that she CAN come along on.
So you can say:
"Mom, we're going to do <what ever it is> together this summer. It's going to be great weather, and we'll be able to do a lot. This spring break thing is just a minor mental break from school for the kids and no big deal. You have the summer trip to look forward to. See you then!".
And leave it at that.

Love Julie's answer - It's not my vacation to invite you to. Let's make other plans for us.

Can you set the exact timeframe for her visit now? It's a lot easier to say "No" or even "Not now" if you can follow that with "But I was thinking that April 23-26 would be a great time for you to visit." Be specific, so that she can check her calendar, and then she has something to look forward to.

You are not joined at the hip with your mom. You are two separate individuals with different likes and wants. Stand your ground and let your mom know that this is a trip to bond with your sister and her children over spring break.

Let mom know that this is not a good time for her to join you. You will get together with her at another time in the year. Plan one and then let her know. Right now you need some peace, quiet, and time to decompress from life without mom hanging about. Besides she is not the mother of your half sibling and there may be things you two want to share and say that mom has not business knowing about.

The word NO is a complete sentence. Be matter of fact with your response and then change the subject to plants or birds or something else. I agree with Julie F, Geneva and Diane D that this is not your problem.

Mom needs to be in charge of her happiness and not you. The only social director you are is to your children right now and that will change in the future as well. You are responsible for your own happiness.

Whatever you do, don't drag it out any longer than necessary. Yes, she will be heartbroken but you don't want her around being a nuisance either. Some people don't get the hint and live a lonely life. The "Break it to me Gently," is not the way to go.

Do enjoy your time with your sister. Report back to us on how the beach stay went.

the other S.

PS I had an aunt who sounded much like your mom and no one wanted to be around her for any longer than they had to. It is not your fault. They are a Debbie Downer wherever they go.