How to Handle This? - Redlands,CA

... my kids, we taught them to go by their hunger cues and feelings of fullness. We do not teach them to eat for emotional reasons or boredom. We also do not 'make' them eat. If not hungry.
That is healthy eating. As you mentioned in your post.

Per your MIL... you need to ALSO teach your daughter.... how to say no, how to express her eating needs to your MIL. As a whole, with our kids, we taught them to speak up to our "overbearing" relatives. My Mom also lives with us... she grew up, always feeding people too.... as did her Mom and her Grandma. It is them. So... we TELL her.... not to overfeed and ALSO though, we do not have junk in the house. If our kids are hungry and if they want to eat a snack... its fine. AND at growth-spurts... my kids EAT a ton and very frequently, which we let them. And they grow like weeds and are very Lean/solid/tall kids. The Pediatrician said, if hungry, feed a child... especially when hitting growth-spurts. But to go by their cues for hunger or fullness.... according to their body.

We also let my Mom feed the kids though... she KNOWS by now.... what is fine. AND she eats healthy too. So, its fine. She does not offer them "junk." But, she does not 'nag' them about eating every 5 minutes.

Some people, show their affection, by feeding a child. Constantly. Which as you know, is not.... desired. My Friend's Grandpa, is like that. But he feeds her kids junk.
So for your MIL... maybe teach her to feed only healthy foods. Or make a list... that she can use.

My kids, if they are hungry, I do give them snacks. I do not have a 'schedule' for it. Per say. My kids KNOW their tummy.... and when/if they are truly hungry. They do not eat mindlessly. And they do not spoil their appetite for regular meals.

Remember... a "snack" can be even an apple. Or an orange or banana.
It is ALSO the food "choices" that are about healthy eating. It is NOT necessarily about the eating 'frequency'... that is healthy or not.
In fact... eating by "grazing" is VERY healthy, for kids and adults. This means, eating little portions throughout the day. Even if every 2 hours.

Now, because your daughter is throwing-up... due to OVER-feeding by your MIL... well that is just TOTALLY not good... if your MIL then keeps doing that to her. That is.... really awful.

Teach your daughter... how to speak up. To her. And how to say no.
If your MIL cannot do what is best for your daughter, and she is throwing up... this is real dysfunctional.

OR, GET a letter from your Pediatrician... specifying that your daughter is being harmed, by being overfed. I would, try speak to your Ped, and see what he/she says... for ideas on how to stop this.

all the best,
Susan

Hard problem to resolve, as you are living in her house! :)

My stepdaughter is overfed the same way at her mother's house, and she at 8 years old is obese. It is terrible sad, and it infuriates me, and no one can say it is genetic...it is not. Her mother is thin, and my husband (her father) is overweight, but our OWN two children are not. I do not overfeed.

Stick to your schedule, and share some literature with your mil about childhood obesity. Show her some pictures. Show her how sad it can be!

It doesn't seem like you are having any luck changing your MIL, and if you find a way to change your MIL, there are plenty of people on this website that would love to know how. Is there a way where you can move her snack or dinner to when your MIL gets home, so that when she offers her food, it will actually be time for her to eat?

oh dear.
MIL was probably brought up to think a chubby child is a healthy child.
She probably has some unexamined assumptions
about how much a child should be eating.

You hit the nail on the head
with "it's like she doesn't understand
that she's teaching my daughter . . . . "
That's right.
She doesn't understand.

And I don't know that you can actually MAKE her understand.
So, I think what you may need to . . . .
OOOPS.
I just saw your What Happened.
Oh dear oh dear oh dear.
SHOW HER the responses here.
Good luck.

================================
Is DH on the same page you are regarding DD's nutrition?
Or is he OK with what his mother has been doing?
If he's with you on this, it would be very good
if he would speak to his own mother
about WHY you need her to stop doing this.
If, OTOH, he's kinda cowed/depressed about living there,
perhaps it's best if he stays out of it.

My mil was Italian, and loved to feed the kids, and really anyone who came into her home. I can be the same way, I love to cook for, and feed people! Maybe you need to limit what she is allowed to offer your daughter, but allow her to offer things you approve of. I think some foods should always be available for snacking on, like fruit and veggies, or raisins, apple chips. I didnt limit the amount my kids ever ate, just which things and when. Breakfast foods for breakfast, lunch for lunch, etc. In my opinion, what your daughter is eating is on the lighter side of what I'd be offering, it doesnt sound like enough. I think 3 meals and 3 snacks, and more variety at breakfast (like a cooked egg for protein) But her weight sounds good, so maybe for her its ok. Most kids at this age tend to under-eat, not over-eat, so if she'd like more, or something from Grandma, I wouldnt be upset (unless it was cookies and cakes, or worse, a twinkie!) Little kids dont so much mindlessly eat as nibble throughout the day.

Can you make a food chart/game out of it. Make a chart of her 3 meals and 2 snacks a day. She gets to cross them off as she eats them....when they are crossed off she is out of those items for the day. Hopefully your MIL will follow along.

Grand parents love to feed kids I don't know what it is about them but I have had to put my foot down & literally pry away a candy bar from their hands & throw it in the trash & tell the grand parents they have had enough sweets for the day no more food they are going to get sick.
I prefer to feed them fruit/veggies as a snack option but they also get it with meals especially lunh/ dinner time.Kids will ask for more food when hungry it is good that your following an eating schedule it sets a pace for them to eat on routine & not miss a meal to then over eat later.
So you got your head ripped off who's the mom to this child you are your responsible for her well being take charge of the matter just because you live there doesn't mean that they can under mind you as a mother let your husband know how you feel get him to take a stand to his parents.

Wow that is unbelievablel. Is your M.I.L, mine as well? Mine does that to my nephew and it is so annoying! You need to stand your ground as your daugher's mom and set your M.I.L straight, but of course in a respectful way. Better yet, why don't you ask your husband to talk to his mom maybe he can through to her. Good luck.

Where is your husband in this? It's his mom, so he needs ask her to stop giving the child food. Let HIM deal with his mom.