How to Handle the Bullys

Write out the rules, have people read and sign them and then enforce them.
If anyone doesn't agree to the rules then they are out of the co-op.
If they break the rules then they are out of the co-op.
Whether she gets defensive or not is irrelevant.
She already knows her kids are a problem - she just hasn't found a way to cope with them yet.
Whether she needs to speak with her doctor or take them to family counseling that doesn't mean you have to allow her kids to beat up on others in the co-op.

I've not dealt with homeschooling co-ops, but maybe you need to actually set some rules into the by-laws, especially dealing with physical aggression.

I have no idea how to do this, or how to word it, but hopefully someone can help you.

we've had this come up in co-ops, and there are different ways to handle it. i think the first thing you have to do is to get past your own worry about her defensiveness. she WILL get defensive. of course she will. it's a shame, but it's inevitable, and you can't let it stop you.
i feel for her, and for her kids. they clearly need the community of the co-op. but co-ops are not counseling or crisis centers. the other families and children deserve a safe environment.
i suggest that you decide whether it should come from you alone (if she likes you and will listen to you) or a small committee, no more than 3 (if she'll feel a one-on-one is personal, and will take a 'group decision' better.) then be courteous, but very direct. 'mary jane, you are part of our community and we care about you. we'd like your input into how to handle your boys. they're being too rough, and we cannot have it in this group. we don't want to lose you, but if it continues we're going to have to ask you to leave, for the safety of the other children. do you have any suggestions?'
and let her talk.
don't accept half measures, or evasions. either she agrees to immediately remove her kids and go home CONSISTENTLY until they understand the rules, or they have to go.
i've been in co-ops where unruly families have left in a huff when asked to moderate their kids' behavior. i've been in wide-open groups where everything the kids did was considered okay, which didn't suit me so i left.
no one group or parenting philosophy will be all things to all parents and families. i'm so sorry that this family is struggling, and it may well be that the rest of you brainstorm and try to figure out other ways of being there for them.
but you have to be upfront with the mom.
khairete
S.

Then you need to follow through on your zero tolerance policy. Since you allowed her children to bully in the past and let her wimpiness in disciplining them win out and you let the family stay, you're presented with this as a "problem" now. You should have a form letter of warning. They get one warning... not per child, but per family... after one incident. Just one. If a second incident happens, even if it's the other child, after that warning then they get released from the co-op.

Otherwise you're giving the message to every single other child and family that their children don't matter and bullying is fine. You actually have now allowed the loss of important members in order to keep the bullies IN SPITE OF your claim to have a no-tolerance policy for bullying.

Put your money where your mouth is, because right now you're giving the children and families that abide by the rules (and behave and are good to each other) lip service. Allowing bullying to happen is the same as bullying yourself.

Before the new year starts, write up a contract that states it's a zero tolerance school now. If there is more than 3 instances they will no longer be welcome (I say 3 because kids have off days too and if it's more of a pattern then you know it's just not an off day) clean slate for everyone. And make sure you send it to each family to sign n send back so they know and you know they read it as they signed

You say you're the chairperson -- isn't there some kind of board? A group that runs things? Is there a procedure already in place for removing co-op members whose children cannot follow rules? If not -- there should be. Surely there is a written contract for expected behavior of the children as well as required participation of the adults in the "co-operative" aspect of running it??

If there IS such a document or contract, that is your tool for ejecting this family. If there is not -- there should have been, long ago, and one is needed now. But more immediately: You are losing members due to these kids. I totally applaud you for your compassion toward this family. I would give them ONE last chance. Have the co-op board -- not just you alone! The board or whatever GROUP runs things -- ask to meet with the mom one on one (absolutely no kids there, hers or anyone' else's). Then the group tells her -- preferably with the written rules right there in front of her -- that her children have one last chance, but even one more incident of her child or children touching another kid, and the entire family will be told to leave the co-op.

I think it's great and compassionate that you are concerned about these kids and recognize that they are only acting out because of what does sound like a hell of a home life. But the co-op is an organization, which should have rules, and consequences for breaking the rules; also, the co-op could be liable, couldn't it?, if a child known to beat up on others is allowed to stay and stay? At a minimum, the co-op is losing members due to these kids' behaviors.

Tell her -- again, not you alone, but the board or governing group -- that you understand the challenges she faces, but the co-op has a responsibility to protect ALL children who participate.

Then you must, must, must follow through. Another incident, they are told to leave. Not asked, told. I feel bad for this woman, but your concern for her defensiveness and anger should not trump your concern for both the other kids and the reputation of the co-op. The co-op will be talked about by those who leave it, and they will say that it allows bullies to stay when others leave. You will then find it harder and harder to get new parents involved. Consider the bigger picture. Be compassionate but only to a degree here because there are other kids who are being physically hurt. ONE more chance, very clearly conveyed to the mom. I would bet money that this family unfortunately will end up being ejected because the kids aren't going to change in time to save their membership in the co-op -- but if I had a kid there I would be focused on the bigger picture and on keeping everyone safe.

I'd just suggest being very clear in editing the handbook for the upcoming year to include the proscribed response you suggested: "in situations where hitting/hurting/spitting, our expectation is that the parent will remove the child from homeschool for the day. In the case of repeat incidents, the board and the child's parent will meet to discuss what sort of actions must be taken for the future to ensure the safety of all children. In cases where exclusion is suggested, the board must have at least a 2/3 majority in favor of exclusion." -- or something to that extent. You want to identify both expectations and who will be involved in making the decision for either a behavioral plan or exclusion. Be sure to identify "Actions Which May Warrant Exclusion Include: etc etc etc" so that there's no wiggle-room for misconstruing expectations.

The reason I suggest implementing this administratively is that you need to have a whole lot of transparency in this situation. The way you describe the mother in question, she's not making very good choices and people may have a tendency to feel sorry for her. You don't want to make this about HER, you need to make it about group expectations and SHE can interpret how her kids fall into this category. As homeschooling parents are all investing money and time into materials, lesson preparation, etc. it's better to run it as a more administrative entity with some individual accountability and oversight than to treat is as a social collective. I'm sure some won't agree with me, but when it comes to my son's education, I would much rather have some written policy to guide me than just a bunch of touchy-feely discussions as problems arise. Public and private schools do this; I had my own exclusions policy in place for my preschools, just in case something like this happened, as well as a protocol in place for how the decision to exclude is made, and who makes it. (the board? The Chair and three voting members? you need to consider this as a template for future situations.)

Just as you said before, it was my responsibility to ensure the safety of ALL of my preschoolers, so I wanted everything plain as day, in writing, so I always had something to refer back to, so this was part of the handbook. It should be part of your group's handbook as well. Good luck.

How do you say it to her without getting defensive? You can't. She will. She may have her feelings hurt too. It's not your problem. It's your responsibility to take care of your co-op, OR just dissolve it.

Tell her that books aren't going to solve her problem. She needs help from a professional. Tell her you're sorry that you have to ask her to leave the co-op. Stick to your guns. You're doing her a big favor anyway, because right now, she isn't trying to fix this. At some point, she will.

Don't worry about her getting defensive. That needn't be the issue here , what's most important is to say, there is a no hitting rule and it's been violated several times.
Additionally, what I find disturbing in part is that the mom blames the kid for her losing friends.. It's bothersome because in most cases, kids learning bullying from home. I am willing to bet that the childrens' caregiver or someone close to them is teaching the kids how to be rough.. therefore, the mom may want to consider this... and stop blaming the kids.. children often learn what they live...

You can't control her reaction.... much less anyone else... IF someone was hitting my kid, or threatening, I'd have a word with them and if it happened yet again, out they go.. in fact, we had one such kid at school and he threatened my son (and many other kids) I told the principal and the kid was made to talk to an anger mgt. counselor.. I didn't care in the least if his parents were offended.. that behavior has to be nipped in the bud...

good luck in whatever you decide to do

Just be straight with her and honest and direct, that is the best way. And make sure you follow through if need be.

I wonder if she is open to the idea of attending Al-Anon meetings? You might gently suggest to her that her children's behavior is a direct result of the addiction that is surrounding her family. Some Al-Anon meetings offer free child care.

Her family troubles are having a disturbing impact on your co-op. The safety of everyone's children is paramount. Getting kicked out of your co-op (and I feel this is probably necessary) would be a direct consequence of her unwillingness to seeking help for herself and her children. I hope she can hear your message without getting angry and feeling attacked. Maybe this is the kick in the rear that she needs to make some positive changes in her life. Good luck to you!

I'm not sure what a Co-op is, but if you kick them out, they will get upset, defensive, etc.
But, I would do it. If other members are leaving and complaining, they should be the ones to go.

It sounds like the mother and/or kids needs professional help

IMO, you're being way too nice. Mom is a big G., tell her what's up. If your kid can't behave, they can't attend this school. Just because you homeschool doesn't mean you don't have standards for behavior. Let her know now, before school starts. This gives her a chance to get it together. And if she doesn't, she has had ample warning of what will follow. You have an obligation to provide your children with a safe environment in which to learn.

have every family and child sign a contract about the rules on hitting. make sure it's very clear (no big words) that hitting, disrespect, etc will NOT be tolerated. include 3 lines for the 3 offense max rules so that the same contract is being signed when an offense occurs.

at the start of the coop, go over the the rules at each and every meeting,make this part of your curriculum, as if it was the pledge of allegiance etc.

i would also talk to the mom and tell her you know she is overwhelmed and would like to help in any way if she is open to it. ask her if she would like to sit down and come up with a game plan with you so she has reinforcement.

I would send out a flyer that states the policy on behavior and saying that you are going to enforce a zero tolerance policy for bullying and violent behavior. One time and you're gone.

At a meeting hand out that page and make sure everyone reads it while sitting there. Ask if there are any questions or concerns. Then hopefully there will be some discussion. This mom will have to pay attention and she'll also NOT be singled out.

I do worry about a zero tolerance policy though. Kids get mad and they hit or kick or bite. Pretty soon no one will be in your group.

Love Suz T's thoughtful and WISE advice. Ditto!!!