How to Handle Teenagers and Their Attitudes

J.,

Although my children are not teenagers yet, I worked with teens for ten years before I had my children. This is quite normal. They test the waters where it is safe. My best advice is consistency - Say what you mean and mean what you say. I had to handle disciplinary issues and those that I had to give the harshest consequences to, became my best cheerleaders to other kids. They knew that I cared enough to call them on their behavior and once the incident was done it was done. Their behavior was the issue, never their person. Good luck!

J. M

Hi J. -

Ahh, the joys of teenage girls. Yes, it is pretty typical. I am a school psychologist who for the last 7 years have worked primarily at a junior high school. I really like the way Toni said her mom is handling her younger sister. There are many books you can of course read on the topic that can give you some techniques and strategies to deal with this very trying stage. One I really like is Love and Logic by Jim Faye. The ideas are pretty basic, but I like that it gives you some phrases and some ways to structure your discipline techniques. Of course, I think any book and technique you apply you should adapt to your own parenting strategy if you have some core things that you feel are important. You probably won't find one "experts" style that perfectly matches yours, but it is worth it to poke around and see what is out there and what seems to be a good match for you.

The sooner you adopt a stragety (or come up with your own) and comsistently apply it, the sooner things will change. I like that there are so many resources out there because most of them are really based on information about teenagers and emotionally and cognitively what they are thinking, feeling, and going through. Sometimes as parents we loose the child's perspective and therefore apply some strategies that end up complicating the parenting process or interaction.

So you might want to do another post and ask if there are teenage parenting books that people recommend. I know many people don't find reading those books fun or enjoyable, but many are not as intimidating or overwhelming as you would think. In the end, it will make the next several years until they go to college much more enjoyable for you and your girls!

Teenage girls are hard - good for you for inquiring about some things that other people have tried! A quick recommendation is to really think about natural consequences - that is why I like Toni's post about how her mom simply states the discussion is over and then if it is pushed further there are consequences that come into play that are directly related to the behavior. For example, if they are being disrespectful a natural consequence is not to be grounded from the computer. There is no correlation there. But a consequence may be that they can't go to a friend's house because you can't trust the fact that they will be respectful and behave appropriately around that family if they can't behave that way around yours. A natural consequence of failing a test because they didn't take the time to study because they were on the computer or watching TV would be to take away the computer or TV time. Sometimes you have to stretch the connection a bit to come up with a natural consequence that is meaningful to them, but in the end you can usually come up with one that really does connect in some way.

Best of luck - When I found out I was having a boy the first time, I was a bit thankful that I would not have to go through the teenage girl stage. We will see what I get with number 2!!

Hi J.,
Although I have 2 teenage sons (who come with their own set of bad attitudes and defient issues - I do still at times see a glimmer of the kind & caring boys I know are hidden deep within their raging hormones). I have watched in awe of my friends dealing with daughters, who are moody, spiteful and downright nasty. We all keep it in perspective that this will pass as they age, they'll go off to college (thank goodness), and come back grown-up and being your friend. Be firm - you are still the boss of your house.
I know that I was a horomonal teenager - I now often ask my mom how we survived. But all grown-up now, I wish I knew then what I know now. It will pass, I promise you. It is all part of them learning to become independent adults. From what I understand however, the worst (and best is coming), the summer that they go off to college is the worst - they certainly know everything by then, )after all the government now declares them adults (they're 18).
Teenagers - this is why some animals eat their young - thank goodness we're human!
Good Luck!
C.

Hi Jen,

I don't have any advice as I'm going thru the same thing with my 10 yr. Old. I'm beside myself trying to find ways to communicate with him right now. I too, don't ever remember being so darned rude to my parents - especially not at this age. I'm curious to find out everyone's suggestions.

Good luck!

I remember back when I was a teeneager if I mouthed off to my mom she would back hand me, I think it was just different back then. I watch some of the nrighbors teenagers (beacuse all of mine are too little) but they are very rude and mouthy to there parents not just moms. I always say if I ever did that I would be in huge trouble.

J.,
I also have a daughter who will be 15 on August 9th. She is the same way. You can flat out say to her to stop, that you don't want to hear any more and she keeps going. She has to have the last word. I also don't remember being this mouthy when I was a teenager.

Good Luck and let me know if you find anything that works.

Jen

We did do it also but not like these teenagers now. Yes it's all of them. My niece is 16 and yes if she gets her way she is pretty good, but tell her NO and you think the world was ending.

I totally agree with J.M. (I believe that was her signature). I have a 13 year old daughter who is very strong willed and always has been and I have to keep on my toes CONSTANTLY to be consistent with her. I taught 11 -13 year old children as a teacher previous to this and I also found that they respected me and other teachers far more if we expected & demanded their respect and did not allow them to mouth off or get sassy (you know exactly what I mean) consistently. This sounds easy in theory, but it is not as easy in practice. We all have off days or days when it is just easier to let it go - especially with our children, whom we are around a great deal more than our students. Children WANT us to give them limits, rules, & enforce them - it makes them feel secure, even though they may not appear to feel insecure (they are!). The trick is to be firm and consistent without yelling or losing your temper, and that is NO easy feat!!! Especially when it comes to children who KNOW how to push you buttons (like your own & your students after no later than Christmas time!! ) Take a time out, do whatever you have to, if need be, but stay in control, try not to lose it, be firm, and do not let them get control of you! ( (I am not perfect at this, I fail A LOT, but I know what needs to be done and I work at it CONSTANTLY!!!!) GOOD LUCK! It is frustrating, but it will pay off in the end and you can then sit back and be proud of yourself!!!
:-) That is what I remind myself every day - many, many times !!!!
- B. D.

J.,

I don't have a teenager, BUT my youngest sister (Tori) is 15. Wow, what a fun age for my mom to be dealing with! Seriously, although not acceptable and frustrating, it's normal. My 2nd sister and I are 34 and 32 and cannot believe the things that Tori sill say to my mom! We cringe, thinking for sure that there will be the wrath of Mom coming out. My mom has mellowed out a LOT since we were younger (she's not 53 instead of mid-30's) and allows things that there was NO WAY we could have done. Sometimes, we will turn to her and say, "Tori...who are you talking to? Because there's no way you talk to Mom that way." Tori respects my sister and I enough that if we correct her, it's not like it comes from our mom.

As for how to deal with it, that's hard as it depends on your own parenting style. What my mom has started doing when Tori mouths off is to immediately end the conversation. Usually, Tori gets snippy when she's not getting her way or wants to do something and isn't getting the response she would like. So, my mom just tells her, "That's it, this conversation is over. My answer is 'No' and due to you talking to me like that, I won't discuss this further."

If it's something more like a snotty comment under the breath or back-talk, you could maybe respond with something like, "Well, it's obvious you aren't able to carry on an adult conversation and feel the need to act like a child. One more comment and I will treat you that way and you will lose (insert teenaged privilege here - internet, cell phone, iPod, whatever).

I think that a matter-of-fact tone of voice is a good solution as it doesn't let the teen feel that their back-talk has agitated you.

Just my opinion as I still have about 12 years until we have to deal with this in OUR house.

Good luck.

T.

You need to put a stop to it before it is too late. Yeah you can let some stuff slide, but if you ignore it soon she will be walking all over you. I know this from experience I was an awful teenager, but my mom didn't do much about it either. Also I have 2 teen step children and me and my husband do not tolerate it they will get stuff like sentences, dishes for 2wks, no outside time, no computer, there is plenty you can do and maybe she will respect you a little more.

Plus you don't want her doing that to other people or to the wrong person and get her butt kicked(worse scenario) but good luck and be consistent.

I would suggest putting them in a Martial Arts class. I own a Martial Arts school and I work with a lot of the parents of discipline. It definitely makes a diffence when you have a team to work with. I guarantee if you find the right school and instructor it will make a difference. I have seen it with my own eyes. Good luck!

J.:

My daughter is 13 and I have to scold her all the time because she is a smart alick. She knows everything. I do remember being the same way with my mom so I look at her now and say,"ok this is payback" I do not hit my child like my mom did, she use to whip my butt, but she is afraid of me. The way I look at her and the way I scream she knows I mean business. By no means am I telling you to do the same. I wish I was like other mothers who can just walk away, I can't seem to do that. Especially when her responses are more like "daaa, i know that" it drives me up the walls. What I am doing now is every time she speaks to me like that I remind her, "what have I told you about speaking to me like that" I have said that at least a thousand times until she realizes it, but now I will take away her phone. She cannot live without her phone, next time I'll take away the laptop, I'll take it with me to work, until she gets the point. Good luck.

Trust me, it's normal! Hehe! It is the age of raging hormones and breaking away from the rents (parents). OMG! EWW! Parents are SOOO old! They like just don't UNDERSTAND me! /whine! MMMMOOM sheesh! Yes, I have heard and experienced it all. Trust me, they out grow it.
Be firm with rules, be firm with punishments and don't let her talk to you rudely. Be consistant. This too shall pass!